Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Social Isolation

58 replies

Anjay1 · 29/10/2023 13:52

My daughter has been friends with 3 other children before they started year 7 in September.

When It was my daughters birthday in August, I invited all three children to Ninja Warriors and the parents to join them for dinner at TGI'S, which I paid for.

One of the kids parents put on the WhatsApp group that the kids are invited to her child birthday on the 25th October.
Two weeks before, she then put on the WhatsApp group that her daughter has decided to go ice skating with her cousins instead.
I sent the mum a private message saying that I have presents that are quite big and heavy for my daughter to carry and therefore
could we sort something out nearer the time to get the presents from me. Everything was all good.
On Monday just gone, I travelled 40 minutes to give the mum the presents. Two days later, I messaged the kum to wish her daughter a happy birthday and she responded and said thank you for the presents.
The day after, the 26th October, one of the girls put on her WhatsApp status of the 3 girls (including the birthday girl) a video of them celebrating the girls birthday. My daughter saw it on the girls status and was really annoyed and sad. I told her not to worry and things happen. 20 minutes later, the video was removed.
Yesterday the mum, who's child's birthday it was, blocked me on WhatsApp and Facebook with nothing mentioned.

Do you think I am right in being annoyed by the whole thing?
I even spent approximately £70 and this is what she does.
I've just checked my daughters phone and her daughter hasn't blocked mine which I sm relieved about but I really don't get it?!

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 30/10/2023 08:55

With hindsight, once it was clear your daughter wasn’t doing anything with her friend for her birthday you shouldn’t have bothered with a present. Maybe something small that DD could give at school but that’s it.

£70 is a lot of money for a present, and ironically, you’ve caused a bigger problem for the Mum because they were disinviting your DD by stealth! That’s why she’s blocked you.

At least you know the situation now.

Yodeleyyyyheeeeee · 30/10/2023 08:55

Just an admin person? Do not belittle a job title.

Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 09:00

Presents were already bought, some were personalised so couldn't return.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 09:01

This is my my job title. I do admin.

OP posts:
JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything · 30/10/2023 09:04

Awful behaviour. Absolutely shocking. Her mother is immature and unbelievably selfish.

And you are definitely too generous.

I personally would spread the story wide. But this is me.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/10/2023 09:04

£70 is a huge amount to spend on a dc's friend's gift.

Friendships do shift and change a lot around about this age. Dd found this the most unsettling time. I'd encourage your dd to make new friends and take a step back from these ones.

The other mother doesn't sound very nice or emotionally intelligent. There was no reason for her to lie about her DD's bday plans. Setting a terrible example. She would have been much better to be honest with you. But that's a reflection on her, not you!

JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything · 30/10/2023 09:08

slopsan · 30/10/2023 08:49

Stop spending money on children who don't want to be friends with your child!

She can't buy friends

Well, it didn't read to me as a gate crashing. The invitation was openly published as we can read.
Nothing excuses the mother of the birthday girl. She could refuse a present or return it saying that the situation was such etc. But blocking? Absolutely disgusting

Hermittrismegistus · 30/10/2023 09:18

Presents were already bought, some were personalised so couldn't return

Personalised present for a child you don't really know?

I'd find this very overly familiar and would distance myself and my child from you.

idontknowhowigotoverit · 30/10/2023 09:25

All of it is too much. Paying for the parents to come to dinner too is over the top, probably uncomfortable for people who don't know you,

If your child isn't going to a party you don't need to drive 40 minutes to deliver expensive presents, that wouldn't happen in primary school let alone secondary.

I know it's hard adjusting to them being at secondary school especially when they are summer born (as both mine are).

But you need to accept that things have changed. They don't 'play together' at break that's not what happens in secondary school.

Please step back and let your DD get on with it.

BretonBlue · 30/10/2023 09:29

The other mother has behaved very badly but I fear that you have come on way too strong, OP. Very expensive gifts are embarrassing for the recipient and expensive, personalised items were inappropriate for a child she has barely known for two months.

I know that it is hard but you have to step back and let your DD find her own way. You can’t buy friends for her.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/10/2023 09:32

You sound very invested here OP. £70 is an awful lot to spend on a present for your child's friend, especially someone she hasn't known long. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but the mum may have found such expensive and personalised gifts a bit creepy. Just because you're investing so much in this it doesn't guarantee returns.

You need to step back from your child's friendship beyond giving good advice on how to behave and when to accept it's not working and move on.

Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 09:36

I'm indian, and this our culture. If we invite children with the mums, we pay for it etc. She knows this too

OP posts:
Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 09:41

I feel like there was no need to block me etc

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 30/10/2023 09:44

Given that you've not known them long are you sure that they share exactly the same culture as you, could they be of the same background but more Westernised?

As a Westerner this behaviour would feel very alarming.

HAF1119 · 30/10/2023 09:48

I'd assume for whatever reason the mum/child didn't want you there. People can feel awkward and then act in a rude way. It was pretty rude to invite, pretend it wasn't happening, then block you - but you can only control you.

I'd just carry on as normal in life as though it never happened. If your daughter wants to invite this child next birthday, go ahead still - I don't think invites have to be reciprocal and it could be the parent has the issue not the child, and just go with the standard line to your daughter that not everyone gets invited to everything, don't worry too much on it.

It's not worth too much thought or upset, your daughter may have a totally different group of friends in no time, or they may remain close - you don't really need to be close to the parents.

It could also be that the mum didn't know how to deal with parents being invited to older childrens birthdays as the standard is normally just the children at this age, and didn't want to have to invite you to the birthday to have your daughter there. There could be a range of reasons, but she's made it clear she doesn't want to discuss/resolve anything so you can only try to encourage whatever makes your daughter happy and forget the woman who's obviously wanting to not speak to you!

Additionally, a small generic gift in future probably more suitable

CityCommuter · 30/10/2023 10:00

@Anjay1 It's not nice when someone snubs you. I think this other Mum took advantage of you tbh as she made sure not to block you before accepting your generous birthday gifts. She knew you'd buy an expensive gift based on your own DD's party as you paid for the parents to eat at TGI's too! Not many people would do that...

Moving forward, just put this experience down to a tough life lesson. You'll learn from this that some people (even adults) are just mean spirited and based on a thread yesterday were most likely the mean clicky ones when they were at school themselves. I think the way she so obviously lied was downright appalling.

Be careful not to criticise her to the other Mums or perhaps the others are cautious of her already? Also, keep an eye on your DD to make sure she's not gradually being excluded as we all know some mean Mum's can influence their DD's a lot even at this age...

JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything · 30/10/2023 10:04

WhatNoRaisins · 30/10/2023 09:44

Given that you've not known them long are you sure that they share exactly the same culture as you, could they be of the same background but more Westernised?

As a Westerner this behaviour would feel very alarming.

I am definitely from the West and an alarming behaviour would be if somebody blocks me after receiving a gift. Or invites and changes their mind.
£70 doesn't sound alarming because for somebody it is a lot and for somebody is what she spends on earbuds per month.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/10/2023 10:07

I'd find a near stranger driving 40 minutes to give me a personalised gift that £70 very alarming. I'm not saying the OP has done anything wrong if it's normal for her culture but it could be seen differently.

Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 10:07

You dont just invite the small group of friends to univite them to then do it on the sly and then block me.
The child apparently didn't have any friends in primary school abd the other 6 kids that were in her primary school all go to the same secondary school and they have said that the child is cocky, thinks too much about herself etc. My daughter just ignores it but it makes me wonder with this happening

OP posts:
Newtonianmechanics · 30/10/2023 10:23

Friendships change all of the time these days. Even y11 to college.

While it is nice to invite parents to TGIs I would unless you really hit it off. ( I did with one mum) keep parents out if it and let them sort their own friendships. ( not if bullying etc obviously)

£70 is a lot. She was rude to block you and immature. Maybe she thought you were over invested.

Original poster
Anjay1 · 01/11/2023 16:28

I understand but blocking me with no word etc , I thought was rude tbh.
She was happy for me to pay for her food at TGI's etc back in August.
A oart of ne thinks sge planned to do it after her daughters birthday ..either this or thought that me or my daughter wouldn't find out about the party..

OP posts:
JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything · 01/11/2023 16:51

I don't understand the concept of "blocking a person because you over invested". It is not like you left the price tag on the gift. She doesn't know how much you spent and she can only speculate.

I heard that in some cultures people give generous birthday gifts but I must admit I have never heard about a culture where the norm is to ghost or even block somebody when you give them a birthday gift in such circumstances. Certainly in British culture people know how to express gratitute and apologising for unfortunate situation with the party doesn't evoke uncivilised reactions as that mum exhibited. yuck

TulipOH · 01/11/2023 18:26

Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 08:44

Yes, this makes sense.

My daughter wants to give a small gift to her friends for Christmas.
I really don't know what to do because I don't want to single this child out like her mother did to mine but the way she has been, what dies she expect
It's 3 for 2 in boots and only comes up to £22 for all three gifts...

But at their age I don't think it's the mother singling your DD out.

At their age surely it's the birthday child who chooses who they invite? I really don't think mums have much say at this age.

TulipOH · 01/11/2023 18:30

Honestly op id guess that you've made them uncomfortable in some way, perhaps with the expensive gifts, perhaps for being so over involved.

If they're 12 I think it's pretty unusual for mums to be this involved in their friendships.

Don't the girls just talk amongst themselves re what they're doing, parties etc?

JustWingItLifeEyelinerEverything · 02/11/2023 08:08

TulipOH · 01/11/2023 18:26

But at their age I don't think it's the mother singling your DD out.

At their age surely it's the birthday child who chooses who they invite? I really don't think mums have much say at this age.

Show quote history

At their age the girls earn their own money and go shopping? I feel like I am from a different planet.

I cannot possibly understand why people in want to blame victims and justify absolutely inappropriate behaviour of that mum. Are you also blocking generous people insteadnof saying Thank You?