DS not wanting to move from private school to state 6th form

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My son has had a very rocky road, academically, at his selective private school. I've been really unhappy with the school who've not stretched him/set high academic standards for him at all with the result that he has completely stagnated or gone downhill. Other boys who aren't ultra passionate self-starters have done the same. I didn't realise how bad things were until he was in his GCSE years and I was determined that he wouldn't stay on there - I just felt it was a colossal waste of money (and I'm not loaded by any stretch of the imagination). The major plus is that he's is very popular in school - loads of friends and they are absolutely lovely. That really is the only positive - he's not interested in clubs/sport at the school etc. Over the past few months, we've visited some good state schools and he has offers from a few for 6th form. He's gone along with this but today, he's made it clear that he 100% does not want to leave his friends. He has a hobby outside of school that takes up quite a lot of time and he says that with that, he would barely see his school friends unless he's actually at school with them. He has just about scraped a place at the private school 6th form (literally did one month of revision to cover all subjects) and I've told him that he has to massively step up at the school if he stays there which he's promised to do; I also intend to speak to the school. It still seems like a huge waste of money to me though. Would you insist your DS leave (given the years of poor performance from him and the school's indifference to this - although they do get good results for try-hards) or do you think friendships are so precious he should stay where he is.

I think the social aspect of school is really important so I can see his point. Also it would be hard for anyone to move at that stage of their school career. I think it depends on your finances to an extent.

Totally depends on finances.

But I rather think the time to have had this chat with him was a year ago - ‘pull your finger out or you will be moved’.

No I wouldn't move him against his will. Confidence, self esteem, friendships are all so important at that age.

It's a 6th form that takes in from several schools the social side won't be an issue.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be spending that sort of money when he hasn't worked and the school hasn't bothered.

Sounds like his hobby is his focus?

This. Once he stays, what's his motivation? Cancel his outside hobby if he doesn't work?

I've told him that he has to massively step up at the school if he stays there which he's promised to do

I don't think it's fair to force him to leave after telling him this. Friendships are important, and if he's against a move then it's unlikely to improve his grades / attitude to learning as he's already starting off with a negative frame of mind. As long as he keeps to his promise I would let him stay where he is.

I had that conversation - again and again. By that point, he was so far behind he'd lost a lot of confidence in every being able to catch up. Left everything to the last minute in his mocks but scraped through and did the same in his GCSEs. Hs done better than we thought he would though. The finances are a total pain rather than unbearable and he has said he'll get a job so that he doesn't come to me for pocket money. I'm thinking of paying for one more year but that's it - he either steps up or he's out.

Actually, we are about to do the opposite for our DS.
he'll be leaving an academy and heading to a private school for A levels.
A level unit is too big for our DS. They offer no sport he likes, friendships have been sporadic, and while school has been massively supportive, he needs small classes, not large to get him going.. I'm not sure he'll even pass A levels, I have asked him about just heading into the workforce, but he's no idea what to do.
private school has lots of sport, loser to home and hopefully better friendship.
I am inwardly angry about his grades. DS, on the other hand, has been gaming on his phone all day.

private A levels is most like a total waste of money, but I don't know where else to turn. He's so different to Dh and myself.

So you warned him the outcome, he didn't actually work as hard as he should have but you aren't going to follow through with the consequences of his actions?

Teacher here, it is never a good idea to move at the end of y12, sometimes impossible as each school teaches content in different orders/chooses different topics etc, so he might not be able to continue y13 elsewhere. Also, staff won't know him as well as they should to support with ucas etc if he plans to go to uni.
If you have had these conversations endlessly and nothing has changed, it's unrealistic to think he will change now.
Is there a different/more vocational option, possibly related to his hobby that he could pursue either an apprenticeship or at a local college?
A levels (I'm assuming as private school) requite at least as much time spent on self study as in class and it sounds like this won't happen. If he stays at that school, accept you are spending 1000s to enable him to have a nice time with his mates (important at that age) rather than on an education.

I'm thinking of paying for one more year but that's it - he either steps up or he's out.

You can't move him halfway through.

sounds like he was never on board with this and that he is actually quite happy where he is?

You either follow through now (and alienate him as you move him away rom all his friends) or he stays there.

You cannot move him in a year's time, that will completely mess up his A levels as the college won't be following the same curriculum.

I've been really unhappy with the school who've not stretched him/set high academic standards for him at all with the result that he has completely stagnated or gone downhill. Other boys who aren't ultra passionate self-starters have done the same.

the years of poor performance from him and the school's indifference to this - although they do get good results for try-hards

Do you mean that kids at this school only get good results if they do extra work over and above what schools sets?

Or do kids do well if they do the set work to a good standard - but your DS hasn’t been doing that?

The former is the school’s fault, the latter really isn’t.

I don’t think moving would help him at this point.

Does he have any idea of what he wants to do post A Levels? And has he picked A Levels he’s actually interested in?

I.e is he going to knuckle down now that he’s focusing on subjects he likes and it’s even more critical to enable him progress to his next step (university/apprenticeship/whatever)

If so I would be more on the side of letting him stay, but agreeing (today/tomorrow!) the clear set of standards he needs to meet and what will go if he doesn’t (I.e. hobby).

Do you trust the school to get him the results he needs if he puts the effort in? It sounds like you’ve lost faith in them. I’m

it’s tricky as at A Level they are typically expected to be more self driven to study, and the danger is pulling him out of his comfort zone might mean he just gives up.

But I really empathise with the frustration with the school and the investment you’ve made, and if in your heart you know he won’t turn it around for Sixth Form I would make him move.

let him stay if you can afford it. My school sounded exactly the same and I am so glad I stayed.

My threat to move him at the end of Year 12 is more a reflection of how much I can't take any more of it all - the school taking huge fees for very little, and my DS not doing much either - with me like an idiot in the middle. If there is more of the same I really think I'll be past caring. I think I'd rather take him out, pay for tutors and he can sit for the exams independently.

The school have actually just stepped up (a few years too late) and told him that if doesn't do well in his next set of exams (autumn), he'll be asked to leave. That's harsh but it might just be what he needs to step up and reach his full potential at last - he used to work well with teachers he was a little bit scared of but respected, and who expected a lot from him. The issue with the school is it very lax about marking work - you could get away with not going it at all which is the direction my son took. He sort of took their lead i.e. if they don't think it's important neither do I. By the time I realised, he was very far behind.

It'll be so much harder to move him after a year, though. He can't switch to another school to start Y13- even if he can slot into the same subjects etc, different exam boards make a huge difference for most A-levels, and so he'll have to restart in Y12, which I imagine he'll be resistant to, and state schools don't have to allow this and may not for an external student who is struggling.

Socially, if it's a sixth form with lots of external joiners, he will make new friends- lots of people will be in the same boat.

If you allow him to stay, I think you have to commit for two more years, unfortunately. If you can't commit to that financially, then he has to move. It will be tough, but he'll cope.

Are they suggesting he could be asked to leave e.g. October time? That will likely be too late to transfer to another sixth form, and leaves the risk of him ending up without a school place for the whole of next year.

I think, honestly, it might be better to suck it up and move him now, rather than dealing with him being asked to leave mid year.

Even if he doesn't want to, it might be the best decision for him?

“If you allow him to stay, I think you have to commit for two more years, unfortunately. If you can't commit to that financially, then he has to move. It will be tough, but he'll cope.”

Agree

At Dds state sixth form we got a set of boys from the nearest boys private school. The ones that joined Dds subject were not very academically minded and they were told to leave rather than bring down the private sixth form results. They stuck together, were leery and childish with the girls and did not get good grades as they weren’t as independent in their learning - which A Level required them to be.

I think it could have been different if they didn’t go round in a pack, had been from a mixed sex private school, and it wasn’t start-stop schooling from the pandemic. There were a few brand-aware boys and girls that were impressed by their cars etc but they never fitted in completely.

Yes he does have a career in mind for which he need very little qualifications and that it she focus of his hobby (think military cadets but not that). He decided on that when he was about 12-13. More recently he sometimes says he wants to go to uni hence the A levels. I want him to keep all options open at this point. Overall, I think he'd love to do something vocational and am quite happy for him to do that after A'levels, if he wants to, or an apprenticeship. The career he's interested in don't tend to take people until they're in their twenties.

he has to massively step up at the school if he stays there which he's promised to do

Thing is that A levels are a massive step up from GCSEs and he will have to put the work in at a state school. I suspect there may be more support for him at a state school, he will be monitored and pushed and could still be asked to leave if he does no work.
At the private school as long as you are paying fees they may be happy to just let him turn up

What was his reaction to the school’s ultimatum?

Completely unfazed. He seemed quite pleased I felt as if, at last, he was being given a firm boundary which meant that not working was no longer an option.