DS not wanting to move from private school to state 6th form

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My son has had a very rocky road, academically, at his selective private school. I've been really unhappy with the school who've not stretched him/set high academic standards for him at all with the result that he has completely stagnated or gone downhill. Other boys who aren't ultra passionate self-starters have done the same. I didn't realise how bad things were until he was in his GCSE years and I was determined that he wouldn't stay on there - I just felt it was a colossal waste of money (and I'm not loaded by any stretch of the imagination). The major plus is that he's is very popular in school - loads of friends and they are absolutely lovely. That really is the only positive - he's not interested in clubs/sport at the school etc. Over the past few months, we've visited some good state schools and he has offers from a few for 6th form. He's gone along with this but today, he's made it clear that he 100% does not want to leave his friends. He has a hobby outside of school that takes up quite a lot of time and he says that with that, he would barely see his school friends unless he's actually at school with them. He has just about scraped a place at the private school 6th form (literally did one month of revision to cover all subjects) and I've told him that he has to massively step up at the school if he stays there which he's promised to do; I also intend to speak to the school. It still seems like a huge waste of money to me though. Would you insist your DS leave (given the years of poor performance from him and the school's indifference to this - although they do get good results for try-hards) or do you think friendships are so precious he should stay where he is.

I agree with all this and think you are wise to move him. The Private school are gearing u to ask him to leave after his next exams because they don’t want poor results on their books.

I was forced to move schools for 6th form and it was the kick up the arse I needed to grow up and focus on what I wanted away from the comfort of friends.

I don't see the benefit of him staying. If the move is a total flop he can always try and repeat the year back at private school again with his friends in upper 6th and him in lower 6th if they'll take him back. In 2 years time if he goes to uni he'll be in a new place with new friends anyway, moving now is good practice.

That would be madness to move a child half way through his A levels. Other state schools might not offer the same combination of subjects or be different exam boards so following a different specification. You have to move him now or let him complete the 2 years.

Your arguments sound fair but I think it's quite a big mental shift and emotional wrench for a young person to walk away from everything they know to a new school or college, when their friends are all staying. I know I wasn't at all ready for it at 16. My daughter is really up for it, but she's known for years that her school stops at 16. I'm not saying don't move him, just don't underestimate how hard it might feel for him. Especially, perhaps, as he is so well settled socially where he is.

Presumably you'll have considered Uniformed Services or similar as an option to keep him engaged in his studies, if that would be relevant to his career aspirations.

OP I moved from private to state for A levels. Quite abruptly as well. I was told it was because of money, so I didn't have much of a say! But in my new state school I met some of my most dearest friends who I'm still close with today. For one of them I'm maid of honour at her wedding in November. I don't even speak to my private school friends now, and frankly I don't care. Once everyone goes uni friendships are bound to change anyway.

Don't worry about moving your DS. If he's got a good personality he'll easily make new friends. And lots of new people will be starting at the sixth form too so will be eager to make friends.

The state school you mention sounds good, and you can use some of the money you currently spend on fees for a tutor to provide structured time when he has to get on with it.

This late though, are you not liable for next term’s fees anyway?

If he's not hitting the grades you can at least leave him with the connections and stability. I'd let him stay if you can afford it. I'd worry the move would leave you with bigger issues than under performance.

I switched from one state school after GCSEs to another one nearby for Sixth Form as I wanted to study an A Level that was on offer at the school I moved to. It was a small city so I was able to socialise plenty with my old friends, who are still my good friends today. I also made a bunch of new friends. In a way it was good preparation for going to university and I wanted to be in a slightly less restrictive environment as the school for my GCSEs was quite strict. A fresh start was good for me, and may be for your son too.

I’d be livid with the school. ‘Try-hards’ will do well at any decent state school - surely what you’ve been paying £15k a year for is smaller classes, more attention, better tracking of progress, tutoring where it’s needed? If they are going to get rid of him for poor performance part way through 6th form you’d be a lot better off moving him and spending a portion of the £30k on tutoring. State 6th form likely to be a more similar environment anyway by virtue of the kids that stay on having chosen to do so, usually had an academic hurdle to get into their chosen subjects (my son’s school 6 or above at GCSE to take an Alevel plus pass English and maths) and classes will be smaller. Does he actively want to do Alevels or would a BTEC or Tlevel be a better fit?

Are A Levels really the right option for a student who scraped through their GCSEs? He will likely struggle with the leap in difficulty and independent study wherever he is. I'd be looking at his options and thinking about where he's likely to be most productive/get the most out of in the next 2 years.
There's no point in starting A Levels to fail/get kicked out part way through, especially if they're not the most efficient route to the job he's aiming for.

Patchworksack I am not sure you can blame the school for a kid who just hasn't worked. People pay for private for all kinds of reasons such as to have a particular peer group, nicer facilities and the feeling that your child has an advantage. If your child is not smart or does not work hard then they will not succeed in exams. Teachers can only do so much. Kids that are spoiled and have everything handd to them might not be inclined to work. Their parents tend to believe that the results are down to the school to get and don't always insist that their child works.

Just about scraped a place may be five 7s and four 6s, depending on the school criteria

It might be an idea to try some work apprentice type thing for a year at least related to his hobby . 1 He might realise how tough the world of work is .
2 If it links to his hobby he may take off
3 He can always do A levels after that.

He sounds rather lazy and entitled. I don’t think money should be wasted on schools if the child isn’t motivated. I went to private school and it was always made clear, that if I didn’t do the work, I wouldn’t be staying. I was also very aware of the huge sacrifices being made for me to be there.

If he’s not going to work then you either pay for his friends or you move him. How will it affect his mental health?if he’d be grumpy but ok then I’d move him. If it would really affect him, then I’d let him stay.

I am no fan of private schools, however I think friendships are precious, so for that reason, I say let him stay. And both you and he need to keep on top of his work so that he gets the grades he needs for wherever he wants to go after that.

I think teens are ok can be okay with moving schools if they can go and visit the place they might attend.

They have to see it in the flesh to make it feel real for them.

Otherwise staying with what you know seems safer (obviously).

I am livid with the school (and it costs a lot more than £15K a year). The didn't say they had a very relaxed approach to homework (i.e. nothing happens if they don't do it) and (unbeknownst to me) m DS just opted to not do it as a) he's not that motivated academically and b) thought it was optional - which I suppose it was. There was evidence over the years that he wasn't doing homework in some subjects but when I addressed it with the school I got nowhere as it's just not their ethos to get involved; it all has to come from the child. When it came to revising for GCSE there was absolutely nothing there - no notes, barely any essays - it was like he had been allowed to totally check out. I bought all the revision guides and we started from scratch. The conversations about leaving the school have been going on for months, hence us doing 6th form visits - and us agreeing on which ones were good ones and which ones weren't. It's just now when it's crunch time he's backing away from moving. I think he is academically able but has been at the wrong school - he needs somewhere with a strong structure and firm expectations whereas at his current school they are left to their own devices - and if that carries on in 6th form (which it will), he's bound to drift again at some point and will then be asked to leave. Despite doing one month of revision to cover all subjects - which meant in some subjects revising the entire syllabus in 1-2 days, he got 5 A's, 2 B's, a C and a fail. The focus of his school was the fail - they have no idea that he achieved the grades he did on such little revision. I think he could be amazing academically in a different school, one in which he feels the teachers actually care about him and what he can achieve. I don't want him to not do A levels as I want to keep all options open - at the moment he feels that he's thick whereas it just that he was allowed to fall behind - I can imagine his confidence massively increasing if he applies himself at a different school (as they won't allow him to drift). At that point, his whole outlook on future careers etc might change.

Having just read your update, you would be completely insane to keep him there! I would also be refusing to pay the autumn term. You really do need to be the parent here and he needs a fresh start. His feeling that he is 'thick' is only going to get worse where he is.

I agree with @Grimbelina .

You’ve got an insurmountable clash here really to me - a school whose ethos doesn’t deliver on what DS needs to excel in his studies (structure, accountability), but also a DS who has a clear career goal which doesn’t require him to necessarily apply himself in A levels (I.e. he’s not got the pressure to knuckle down to get into high ranking unis as some of his peers may be aiming for).

It doesn’t sound like that conflict is going to be overcome in the next term, year, two years etc. Even if DS starts to see value in applying himself for a levels, with the purpose of keeping his options open uni/career wise, he’s not going to do that in the current school environment.

Can you take him out for a coffee or walk - change of scenery can help, treating him in a more adult way etc. - and really talk through why you think he should move (money being bottom of the list for this purpose!), the opportunities he would have elsewhere etc. Empathise with his concerns on friends but balance that with the adult perspective that strong friendships will persist, but also friendships do change between 16-18, and then 18 onwards. And that by moving he may well meet other friends who are on a more similar path to him and have a lot in common with, (not heading off to Oxbridge or the Ivy League).

But also perhaps asking him to map out what he thinks/wants the next 5 years to look like - you said most people done enter his chosen career until their 20s, so what would he like to be doing between now and then, what’s important to him etc. How would moving help him with that, what would happen if he stayed and there’s no school support as soon as he says he’s not going to uni

Is his Dad involved? If so, would he help present a united front? Or any other trusted adult who would back you up so it’s not ‘just’ Mum he’s hearing?

You’re doing a great job to support him through this - 16 year olds do struggle to see the bigger picture, change is scary, friends are the most important thing in their life etc… but this is also an important life stage and could really set him up on a great path to his chosen career, without feeling unconfident, thick and unsupported because of school.

Look if he’s set on public sector ( I’m assuming police from what you’ve said) I would come at this from a few angles. I’d also be prepared that you are going to lose this battle.

I agree with you - he could do really well academically somewhere else. Whether he will apply himself because he doesn’t feel he needs to is another matter. And this is your battle.

he needs it drummed into him that the police is 2 + yrs of grunt work ( police relative described it as such) fighting in the streets and godawful shifts before he gets anywhere. I agree with you he needs to keep his options open but that’s your bigger battle.
Can you get him to aim for doing a degree First ( not the vocational one) and then onto fast track if he still wants that?

id also suggest that if the current school are just not bothered then it’s the wrong environment because they won’t turn his head for you.I would also point out that if this is the job he wants then he will be better going to state school to have experience of mixing with a wider range of people. If I’ve guessed the planned career wrong then completely ignore me. I’ve spent the last 5 yrs dissuading ds from signing up to the army /navy so feel your pain.

Our daughter was in independent from Nursery through to GCSE year. Moving to state 6th form college was (IMO) the making of her.

Thanks for such a detailed and considered response - I really appreciate it. Great advice about going for a walk or something similar and about money not being the issue. I feel heartbroken for him re: his friends and I really need to show him empathy on that front, but the more I think about it, it's just feels too risky to stay at his school. Being asked to leave in a couple of months would be the worst possible outcome as he would then have absolutely nothing. No dad so just me and he hates me talking about him to other people so I will handle this on my own. All will be decided in the next two days ...

Thanks for your thoughtful message. Not the police! - but you're on the right track. Although he needs barely any qualifications to do his preferred job, I think he will knuckle down at the new school because a) they won't have a bad view of him already and he won't want to lose their positive view of him, b) he does step up when firm expectations are set - that was completely lacking in his current school. He actually perked up when he was given the threat of being asked to leave in the autumn. It was as if he'd been waiting for a boundary/standard to be set all along and here it was at last. He has mentioned intermittently doing a degree before going into his preferred profession and I'd like that (if he develops a proper work ethic when it comes to his studies) just to keep his options open - I want him to do A levels at least for the same reason. You're right when you guessed that his preferred job is in the public sector - and that means an income with very little variability. He might do that for a couple of years and then realise that he wants to earn him more money. I don't want him to close any doors at this stage.

I think you are over estimating the pressure that a new school will put in him.

At the end of the day it has to come from him. At 16 my ds wasn’t engaged and it’s taken maturity to give him the work ethic. You can lead the horse to water and all that…