Year 10 - 2023/2024 Support Thread

[QueenMabby]

Hi all

A new thread for those needing support (or just wanting to chat or rant!) with teens heading into their GCSE years.

@icanbewhatiwant - that sounds tough. Might it be possible that he is very bright but has a processing issue? My ds can be similar. School just seems to take more out of him than it does for others. Achieves well at school but it wipes him out. He just doesn't have bandwidth to process conversation or anything detailed AND do school etc as well. I find that he improves as the holidays go on and know now to give him a full week of just nothing at the end of the school year so he can decompress.

I hope you enjoy York.

@QueenMabby ds3 I have always found ds3 difficult to understand. One of my friends is a TA and helps with autistic dc's. at a mainstream school. A lot of the stuff I tell her ds3 has done/said she tells me are typical of those who are autistic. But he's always been Mr perfect at school. I've tried to get help from school before, but I am sure they just think it's me with the problem. Parenting with him has certainly been challenging over the years.

That does sound hard@icanbewhatiwant and nothing to suggest from my end either.
Does he seem happy enough in himself even though he has his head down etc?

We got DS’s report and the results of all his exams ,6-8 on all bar PE which he got a 3.
He didn’t even think it was that hard either,his marks have always been poor to be honest and I just have to hope he scrapes a 4 next year. I tried to persuade him to do geography instead but he was adamant-just goes to show that Mums always know best!

@icanbewhatiwant oh my goodness your DS sounds exactly like my DD1 - she’s now 21 but flipping heck it was such hard work from yr9-yr13. She’s neuro diverse (now diagnosed but had no clue ant the time) and after masking all day at school had nothing else to give. It’s exhausting for her. I was terrible as I’m a chatty neuro typical extrovert so couldn’t understand the withdrawal at all and did all the wrong things by trying to get her to chat etc etc.

@icanbewhatiwant oops that posted before I’d finished. DD1 struggled massively with MH issues too. I couldn’t do right for doing wrong; I was definitely ‘too much’ and we had to get her help. Some ppl who are ND also have RSD making them very sensitive to any criticism so even if I didn’t think I was being critical (just making suggestions), it was hurtful. I’ve learnt a LOT. It was a lot of walking on eggshells for a while and really quite tricky. I’m hoping you’re not going through this as it’s blinking hard!!

Sorry to hear that @icanbewhatiwant. Ds just so miserable he ruins it for all of you is just so hard.

@NotDonna all sounds very similar to Ds. He's super sensitive to criticism. I am currently painting ds2's bedroom as he's in Australia for a year, ds3 is going to move into it. Ds3 came home from school and asked to have a go at doing some rolling, so he was busy rolling, I think I said whatever you do, don't get any on your school uniform, I was painting a bit round the window, chatting to Ds. When I turned round he'd gone. I finished up. Went downstairs, asked Ds where he vanished to, apparently I told him off, so he left. We often have situations where he says I've told him off, when I don't think I've said anything.

Ds was saying at the dinner table this evening that he's done badly in his mocks. He did brilliantly.

Yes...walking on eggshells is something I am always saying we do.

My DS is on the waiting list for ADHD assessment and DD is waiting for an autism assessment. It's exhausting sometimes coping with them at home, with very different symptoms. DS is very sociable, an all rounder, popular at school with his friends, but not so highly thought of with teachers as he is impulsive, does silly things (latest was last week when the science teacher gave him a detention for taking an egg off the teachers bench in a practical lesson and hurling it into a bush outside!). His impulsive behaviour is a real issue. His report is mixed, 8s for the ones he likes, maths and geography etc and 6/7 for the sciences which is least liked. Others are somewhere in between. The sciences have been graded as working below his target. He's been given a target of 8! His CAT results were predicting 8+ for the sciences and 7+ for the others. He's a bit despondent about it as most others in his class have been given targets of 7 and easier to hit that target.
He's doing work experience this week as an architectural assistant. He seems to be enjoying it and actually learning something. He's been given a project as part of a renovation project and he even attended a client meeting and site visit. He's been cycling around the city centre on his own, half an hour across the city each way, even to the site visit and found his way home so he's been pretty independent. He's pretty good at that kind of stuff, but can't organise himself at home most of the time!

After some time off this summer, towards the end August, DS hopefully will be doing some science work to catch up. Plus getting his solo and duet performance ready for September to be recorded so that's out of the way. Plus during the summer getting his PE videos for cycling and cricket sorted. It feels like it's going to be a busy summer!
Hope everyone has a good summer!

Dd back from music tour. She had the most fantastic time. They were playing concerts in small towns so it was a real event where the mayors came out and made speeches and dd said you could tell people had dressed up to come to the concerts. She was really touched by it all. Shattered now though!

Diagnosis was helpful in some respects but bc she’s so raw to what she believes is criticism, being told there’s something ‘wrong’ or you’re ‘different’ can be tricky too. There seems to be a lot around perfectionism and external validation. She has to do well in exams, works her backside off, is disappointed if gets less than brilliant. She’s now doing professional exams and recently got 90% and first thing she wonders is how she lost 10% 🙄 This isn’t just exams but also very analytical of her personality, being good enough, pretty enough etc. She’s obsessed by social justice and fairness too. Gets upset easily & seems to carry the weight if the world on her shoulders. It must be hard being her. Whereas DD3 (yr10/11) has fully embraced her ADHD, tells most ppl, explains her meds to friends and her difficulties etc. She’s very easily overwhelmed but a little less raw but still takes suggestions as criticisms. So although both ND they are VERY different. DD2 is NT and finds walking on eggshells with them quite problematic. It’s not easy for anyone tbh.

@DataColour that does sound exhausting - but a good report. Also sounds like everyone got very high predictions - I am assuming that's a selective school?

You're worrying me on the music performance now. DD2's report just said 'she should start thinking about her music performance ensemble and solo". She has no idea.

They don't cover these in lessons at all, so I'm hoping her music dept takes ownership of that. Generally the advice is not to do anything too hard so hopefully she can just record one of her easier sonata movements, but I think the ensemble work she does is too difficult - and may not be polished enough to get her the best marks.

DD2 is enjoying being home. She has been meeting up with friends from her old school, which has been fab. I've missed her fun group of local teens though I now never know how many I've got round for dinner. Most of DD2's local friends are neurodiverse in one way or another - all seem to be well-supported now which is great after a rocky few years.

She's now rehearsing for a wind band tour to austria. Even she is a bit horrified that today and tomorrow are 10-4pm rehearsals, and she's far more used to it than the rest of the band, so I'm wondering how today will go! So glad the tour went well for yours @QueenMabby - they're so lucky to be able to do this!

@minisnowballs glad your DD is enjoying being at home and catching up with her friends. Hope the wind band tour goes/went well?

Yes, DS's school targets and his peers are on the high side, it's a selective school.

As for the music, the teacher just wants the students to have at least the solo done by Nov (starting to record in Sept, I think they get 3 goes), as that's when the mock exams are so they can give a grade prediction for the sixth form applications. I'm not sure when the actual deadlines are for the gcse submissions. As DS is of grade 7 standard, and capable of getting his duet done quickly, the teacher has encouraged him to get it out of the way by completing it along with the solo piece. Then he can focus on other things. That's the plan anyway....

Hope everyone's DCs are having a good break. DS has done a lot of cycling, running and cricket, playing lots of video games and watching endless tiktok videos on this phone. Because of his suspected ADHD, he needs lots of exercise otherwise his behaviour is challenging, so that's keeping us busy too!

All good here. Dd had an epic time on music tour and has more orchestra stuff over the next few weeks. Just under a fortnight until we get her gcse result but we have to get through her big brother's a-level results next week first!

All good here too and also waiting for the GCSE RS result this month for DS.
We are back from our hols but a lot of his pals are away this week so he is a bit bored,he is even coming to the cinema with me tonight so he must be desperate!
Got a few bits of uniform to buy & footy boots etc but that can wait till the end of the hols-nothing super urgent-going to see if his blazer looks ok for one last year-fingers crossed.
Hope everyone’s almost Y11’s are having a good summer!

All good here thanks. DD's wind band tour was a massive success - she got a one evening turnaround (to open her birthday presents) and we're now away as a family. Not a lot of work going on though she did get her grandma - who was a maths teacher - to go through her maths paper, and it emerges the problems were simply that she'd been taught the stuff in a different order at her old school. So easily fixed.

She's got another orchestra thing when she gets back but fortunately non-residential.

Good luck to all with GCSE results this year!

We are back from our holiday in York. A bit of a disaster. We actually came home early. I was ill all week. I'm never ill so that was typical. Sore throat, cough, temperature etc. DS hated being on holiday, all he wanted to do was stay in his room, we wouldn't let him, he would refuse to speak to us a lot of the time or ask if he could just sit in the car when we arrived at destinations. We wanted to do the open top bus ride, but he said it would make him sick, he's never been sick on a bus/coach. We suggested a boat trip, nope, that would make him sick, a steam train ride. Nope. He said he'd stay in the car if we did any of them. It was boiling hot, so that was a no no. He did enjoy the York dungeon on our first day. But that was about it. So we packed up early on the Thursday morn. and left. We should have left Fri midday. Every year we say we won't take him on holiday again, every year we go again. Last year we took his mate, Ds refused to speak to him after day 1 (I may have said that on another post) So not sure what will happen next time. I don't want to not go away, but I can't leave ds home. If dh and I go out in the evening, which isn't that often, Ds will text me on our journey to where we are going to ask when we will be home. Then half hour later I'll get "how much longer" he says the dog doesn't like being left at home. Hmmm 🤔

Anyway, he's happy now. Home and in his bedroom, where he's stayed all week. He doesn't have plans to meet friends, but I have heard him chatting on FaceTime while gaming. So at least he's had contact.

I suggested a day out in London this summer, he's only been into London once before I thought he'd like the museums. He said no. I've asked if there's anywhere he wants to go. No. Is it just my Ds who is like this? It's hard work. Only 4 more weeks to go 😣

@icanbewhatiwant I'm so sorry - that sounds horridly stressful. I hope you're recovered now. We're on holiday at the moment (with three teen girls) and it's not always easy to get them to do anything - though it sounds like you've had a particularly rubbish time.

On the plus side it it not much longer before you can leave them - I do leave my older one (and our foster daughter) for a maximum of two nights now together, and they are 17.

DD2 will get her first night alone this summer as we are volunteering at a festival and she can't come til later as she's playing in an orchestra. Fingers crossed she'll be ok - she used to hate being left on her own.

@icanbewhatiwant sorry to hear that. No advice I'm afraid. Sounds painful. I have different but similar pain.

@icanbewhatiwant - that sounds really hard. I hope things have got better. It's
a tough age. Dd veers wildly from wanting to be treated like a 5 year old to wanting to be treated like a 25 year old so I never know what I'm going to get!

She gets her gcse result on Thursday so fingers crossed for that!

Hope everyone's having a good summer.

@icanbewhatiwant ugh what a rubbish break for you - being ill is hideous and trying to chivvy along a DS who doesn’t want to join in is exhausting. Hoping you’re able to enjoy some garden sunshine or days trips without him. It’s very tough! I’m pleased he’s having FT contact whilst gaming - so some social stuff.

DD has no problem catching up with friends etc; the chivvying I’m doing is getting her to even open the first page of ‘Of Mice and Men’. She says she’ll read it on the plane but it’s only a 2hr flight. I know it’s a very skinny book but she’s not that fast a reader! It’s quite ironic that her ‘best laid plans…’ will undoubtedly ‘go aft astray!’ 🙄

Ds had mostly been in his bedroom. He doesn't want to go anywhere with me.

He had his mates round for the day Thursday. They played dungeons and dragons all day. At least it doesn't involve screens. He is meeting up with a lad in the village one day this week. So at least that's 2 social days.

@NotDonna - dd took Of Mice and Men with her on music tour and re-read it then and did the same with Macbeth on our holiday.

She's not seen any of her friendship group over the holidays but has had a few days of orchestra so has at least socialised a bit there.

@icanbewhatiwant it’s hard to watch isn’t it? Not my yr10/11 but I think I mentioned before an older DD struggled. I had to back right off which I found ridiculously difficult as I wanted to make it all better. - or at least what I considered better. Constantly walking on eggshells and totally crushing them. Always in the wrong but I think she felt the same too. Any suggestion was a criticism. Thankfully 3-4 years later it’s entirely different. I feel for you as it’s flipping horrid!
It isn’t a re-read @QueenMabby they were given it for summer homework to read and then go through again in class. She’s not opened it once. I’ll be blown away if it emerges on the flight but we’ll see!

ican, whilst it's hurtful to you, at least he's social - in person twice which is massive, plus all the screen friendships. This is so good.

@QueenMabby dd2 is supposed to be reading great expectations. She’s gone nowhere near it. I do not have even small expectations that she will.

She also has a date tonight (am I ready for this?) with a boy she knows from an orchestra- he is taking her to the proms! This appears to be the date of choice amongst her friendship group now… they aren’t even standing tickets!