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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Disagreement With DH On Schools To Apply For: School Commuting Distance

72 replies

roses2 · 20/07/2023 12:15

DS is Year 5 and will be applying to secondary shortly.

DH wants to send DS to private. That's fine. I think the state options near us are ok but that's his choice.

But the commute to these schools is ~1 hour. Typically. 2-3 tubes or 1 tube + bus.

DS will be navigating the journey by himself. I think this is too far and also complex as it involves a tube change. He will come home knackered each day. But it is falling on deaf ears. DH is adamant he needs to apply to these schools. His two nieces have a 1 hour commute. The parents are looking at moving so clearly the commute is an issue which DH isn't receptive to hearing yet.

What do you do when you disagree with your DH about schools? Do these schools take commute into consideration in their offers? I know St Pauls Girls specifies 50 minutes on their website but none of the boys schools mention this.

OP posts:

entitledparents · 20/07/2023 12:20

I wouldn't as too long but plenty do it. Poor kids

Cassetta · 20/07/2023 12:26

I think it depends how much better the school is than the alternative. If the state schools are mediocre and the private school is amazing then that commute might be worth it. I don't think 1 hour in inherently too long but I wouldn't want my kid doing it unless there was a good reason. I would also be more likely to accept that kind of commute if it was due to faffy public transport rather than because it's a really long way (because if the drive is shorter it makes it easier to pick up after clubs if necessary and likely closer to friends).

Cassetta · 20/07/2023 12:29

As far as disagreeing with your DH goes, it will help if you can look around and talk to parents at all schools. Compare results bearing in mind the difference in intake. Consider facilities. Are there issues with behaviour/knives/drugs? But fundamentally you have to agree on what is most important (e.g. sporting facilities, academic results, child happiness etc).

fedupallthisrubbish · 20/07/2023 12:32

You can apply state if you fancy.

Let's your husband apply - see where the child gets a place / if your child likes the school and take it from there. Plus the cost factor too. Make a decision when you have all the answers.

Up to 1 hr travel for private secondary quite normal round here if your wanting private. Or is there a bus service from the schools - they travel miles

titchy · 20/07/2023 12:32

Remember he'll be a year and a half older when he navigates the journey. I know it seems a lot now, but honestly after a couple of weeks in year 7 he'll be tackling it confidently - plenty of state school kids in London have a similar journey.

An hour is probably ok too tbh - they do get used to it.

You and your dh do need to be on the same page 100% though given the financial commitment.

Hersetta427 · 20/07/2023 12:34

you need to apply for state schools anyway as a back up - he may not pass the entrance tests to get into the private school so good to have other options.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 20/07/2023 12:36

Are your nieces school journeys similar, in terms of London / tube etc?

If so, can you get his brother/sister to talk to him about it and why they're moving?

What does DS think about the commute and the private vs state schools?

SquirmOfEels · 20/07/2023 12:39

Do any of the candidate private schools have a coach service?

This adds to your bill, but it gives a reliable means of transport that your DS can use until you and he are OK with him going alone

Tube and bus are both very ordinary ways of secondary age pupils getting round London, and having a change is perfectly normal too. It might seen daunting when your DS is just at the end of year 5, but a couple of weeks in to year 7 and it'll be like he's been doing it forever.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 20/07/2023 12:45

Or is there a bus service from the schools - they travel miles

Tube is likely to be much quicker than bus.

I think it's not so much the journey to school that's likely to be an issue, but friendships. If DC lives an hour from school in one direction, and his friends are an hour away in the opposite direction, how easily will they be able to meet up at weekends/in holidays?

NotEvenSlightlyReasonable · 20/07/2023 12:47

Will your DS be doing lots of extra curricular? We looked at a school around 1hr commute away and loved it, but eventually sent her to the one 3 minutes walk away. A big factor was how much stuff she does outside school. Now end of yr8, she's doing more than ever outside school and that's only possible because of the short commute.

Original poster

roses2 · 20/07/2023 12:50

Will your DS be doing lots of extra curricular?

I have no idea! Where do most kids do extra curricular? As part of the school or external? I don't think he will do too much external other than Scouts once per week. I want sport and music to be part of the school life.

OP posts:

Peony654 · 20/07/2023 12:52

Surely it’s up to DS to decide? Much better he’s happy

LIZS · 20/07/2023 12:54

Apply to a more local private school as well.

PreplexJ · 20/07/2023 12:57

"Do these schools take commute into consideration in their offers? I know St Pauls Girls specifies 50 minutes on their website but none of the boys schools mention this."

I think most of the independent school don't take commute into consideration. Even for St Paul’s Girls, some girls commute longer than 50 mins to the school. Its own school coach will take over an hour for the bus journey. Some girls got offer this year took over an hour if commute via public transport in the morning (by car in a non peak hour maybe 50 mins but don't think the school take it that seriously.)

I do think commute time is important, it is a 7 years commitment don't underestimate the time and effort wasted.

Original poster

roses2 · 20/07/2023 13:02

Surely it’s up to DS to decide? Much better he’s happy

He wants to go to one of the local states where his friends are going. This is not a good school with gang fights and knife crime. I don't think my 10 year old is capable of making the right choice for his future.

Apply to a more local private school as well.

We don't have any local private that are worth considering in my view. The local state schools get comparable results. I'd rather gift him the money saved for a house deposit once he starts work. At least DH and I are aligned there. DH agrees only certain private schools are worth paying for.

OP posts:

PreplexJ · 20/07/2023 13:08

DH agrees only certain private schools are worth paying for.

What is the qualifying criteria here?

pikantna · 20/07/2023 13:11

A long commute is not a great idea. The extra travelling time and tiredness aside, the lack of friends nearby can be very isolating.

You are clear you don't want your DS to go to the school he wants to go to. Have you asked him where he would like to go if that choice is off the table?

SquirmOfEels · 20/07/2023 13:12

roses2 · 20/07/2023 12:50

Will your DS be doing lots of extra curricular?

At school if school has a good range of offerings. Otherwise it's sports grounds and leisure centres for sports, community centres for scouts etc etc

Whether these are convenient depends on what he will want to do, and where his mates do it.

cocksstrideintheevening · 20/07/2023 13:14

My journey was over an hour to school, train and then bus. It was fun, loads of us did it. It wasn't isolating, tended to make friends with local girls / on the same route as well as other friends in classes.

Original poster

roses2 · 20/07/2023 13:21

Thanks all, this thread has been super helpful. So it sounds as though a 1 hour commute is do-able if:

the school will provide an experience over and above a closer school
offers enough time for extra curricular activities on site (as off site is likely off the table due to tiredness)
the commute is not too complex. eg 1 tube change is ok. 2 tube changes or wait for a bus which is unpredictable less so

You've given me the re-assurance to take 1 school off the list (3 tubes + no on site sports) and keep another on (1 change & on site sports).

OP posts:

Namechangeforanamechange · 20/07/2023 13:23

The commute will be fine. I did it, my DC did it, pretty much everyone at my/their schools had a similar length commute. I don't ever remember feeling tired and I did school and out of school extra curricular activities every day for 5 years, often until 9pm, as did my DC. There were several swimmers in my class who were training at 5am. Others at junior music college who practised for hours daily. I had a pretty hectic social life at weekends too.

I boarded in the sixth form and I don't think it was any less tiring.

Picaninny · 20/07/2023 13:28

That's par for the course here - DCs are 3 miles from their outer London borough school and due to relying on TFL bus (and being able to get onto it) it frequently takes them an hour and they have to leave that long in the morning. Youngest DC at another state and many of his friends travel from other ends of borough/neighbouring one as they offer aptitude places (not academic) and travel longer than an hour. And we border on grammars and kids can spend at least 1.5 hours on travel for them.

I would not think so much of changes but more as how easy are plans b/c if one of the lines goes down and they have to change their journey. Being wholly reliant on one is harder than a longer journey with more choices/ability to walk if needed

AsterixAndPersimmon · 20/07/2023 13:28

My dcs have been both in state school and private.
State school was deemed outstanding/good by Ofsted. Certainly one if the best in the area.
Neither of my dcs were happy there - fir different reasons too. Dc1 couldn’t wait to get out and would have been delighted with a 1 hour commute to be able to get away.

What I’m saying here is that you can’t base your decision on just the communities distance or using the money for a house deposit instead (something we did consider too - which one will make the biggest difference to dc quality if life in the long run).
And saying the state school nearby has a good Ofsted report.

The most important is what will be the best environment fir your dc. For them to thrive and be happy. But also somewhere that will nurture the right attitude (so yes not the one with gangs etc… but it’s not just that).
You need to get an idea on whether the place will ‘fit’ with your dc.

Id go and visit the schools. If the private school offers the opportunity to spend a day there, use it. Talk to parents whose dcs attend the schools if you can.
And remember that you can ALWAYS change your mind.

Namechangeforanamechange · 20/07/2023 13:30

As cocksstrideintheevening says, the commute with friends was fun. It's not isolating (in London, at least) because everyone is in the same boat and it's easy to meet up using public transport. I imagine it could be isolating if your friends were in different towns and you had to rely on mum's taxi to see them because buses are few and far between.

Foxesandsquirrels · 20/07/2023 13:35

Have you looked around the private school? You need to at least pretend you have given it a good think. It's not a great look if you're just flat out saying no on distance. He's much more likely to agree with you if you work with him for a while, look at the schools, calculate costs. He may not even get in!
My DD will have that commute from Sept, 1hr and a tube change plus walk on both ends. She's done it lots of times for trial days and I'm not saying it's ideal, but that's the school that can meet her needs right now. They finish and start before the peak rush hour so it's not too bad. Lots of kids have that commute to grammars in London.

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