Disagreement With DH On Schools To Apply For: School Commuting Distance

[roses2]

DS is Year 5 and will be applying to secondary shortly.

DH wants to send DS to private. That's fine. I think the state options near us are ok but that's his choice.

But the commute to these schools is ~1 hour. Typically. 2-3 tubes or 1 tube + bus.

DS will be navigating the journey by himself. I think this is too far and also complex as it involves a tube change. He will come home knackered each day. But it is falling on deaf ears. DH is adamant he needs to apply to these schools. His two nieces have a 1 hour commute. The parents are looking at moving so clearly the commute is an issue which DH isn't receptive to hearing yet.

What do you do when you disagree with your DH about schools? Do these schools take commute into consideration in their offers? I know St Pauls Girls specifies 50 minutes on their website but none of the boys schools mention this.

We are in N London too, in our state school who took 11+ private in 2022/2023, a few boys get interview at Habs boys, UCS, City and Highgate and Westminster (and in the end get offer or waiting list). From these boys only 1-2 get into QE boys offers.

One hour door to door, is pretty normal. Not one hour plus travel to and from the school.

Do other children from your area go to these schools?

Sounds like your school group did a bit better @PreplexJ . To be fair, our former primary was both small and frankly a bit rubbish at teaching maths, despite its Ofsted outstanding status (which is why we moved DS at 10+). But the children who didn’t get interviews were genuinely bright, sporty, good kids who’d typically been tutored since the start of Y5. It was a big baby-bulge year, but the forthcoming Y6 cohort isn’t all the different demographically.

Why don't you want to use the school coach services? Most DC will be taking the coach if they aren't driven to school. It's fun to hang out with your friends on the journey and relax after school. Much better than a hour standing on the tube in tropical temperatures 😂

They are all very selective schools though. Maybe not the best fit for a "not top set" DC. Sometimes it's better for DC to be the best in a less selective school rather than the bottom of the class in a very academic school. Have you considered using a school advisory service to suggest schools that are a good match? Or asked your DS's tutor?

Maybe you should get a tutor everyone does (I didn't realise that) you sometimes have over 1000 people trying for 100 spots.

If he is is good at sport (county level)/ plays several instruments to a high level / famous dad / mum your odds of getting in the school is higher. Girls have an easier ride - boys it's hard.

I think you could be surprised at the competition and the huge numbers. Plus the huge waitlists.

You need a back up school whether that's state / low level private that's "easier" to get in to....

Maybe you will drop lucky - I hope so!

"I think you could be surprised at the competition and the huge numbers. Plus the huge waitlists."

I'm not sure about this at all, the pool of student applying for these North London catchment private schools are finite, every kid we know applied for at least 5-6+ schools and they have to only pick one in the end. It is true that some schools are more popular than others but it is not as competitive as North London grammar in general.

I agree with the school's on your list - I would also discount the ones with long or complex journeys. No more than 2 changes is best.

For us we've set a max 45 min journey door to door. It means discounting some of the good West London schools but tbh, if DD is able to get into those then she should be able to get into, say, City, which is closer to us. Similar to your situation OP - City and UCS are excellent and a nicer journey so a better option overall, even if DC gets a St Paul's offer.

I think most preps would recommend at least one school that's a banker - I know you're not keen on NBH but that sort of level. Even if you decide not to accept it and would prefer state, it's psychologically better to have a backup than a full set of rejections. Plus you may be able to switch later on.

I would definitely recommend a tutor especially if coming from a state primary - one with a lot of experience in 11+ for the indies, who will give you a realistic opinion on which schools to aim for.

Yes, other students do an hour's journey and they manage but I think for us as a family we're just a bit averse to commutes - we moved house to be a 5 min walk to the DC's prep and DH can walk to work in 20 min. Everyone is so much happier. The fact that other people have long commutes to work or school wouldn't make us feel any better about having to do it.

DD started year 7 last year with one hour commute each way (2 tubes, or a tube and bus) to her new school.

We had similar concerns as you and some decent local options, but at the time we really liked her school and underestimated impact of total two hours commute each day in London.

We still like the school, and quite happy with it, but I now feel that the marginal benefit of attending a specific school doesn’t compensate for the negatives of long commute, as long as there are some good local options.

this is subjective of course. DW thinks otherwise and DD sways between ambivalence to negative (towards the end of the week!)

Our main negatives of the long commute in the past one year are -

Initial few months are really hard and tiring. Extra travel time each way, cuts into homework (plenty by year 7) and sleep time. DD got really tired by mid week in the initial few months and still complains a bit now and then, comparing her travel time with her friends.

Tube strikes, frequent train disruptions etc make everything harder. DD missed two days in school last year due to train strikes, and more days when she was late.

after school clubs or morning clubs are very hard to fit in, at least in year 7. So DD is in the school we all wanted but doesn’t get the full school experience.

Social life is harder. She can’t meet up with her school friends in the summer hols or weekends as easily as her other friends. Birthday parties are harder - sometime we still need to take her to various venues while most others just turn up by themself.

Attending school events is harder for us as parents or picking up DD at the end of an event. We like to volunteer in school events and regularly did so in primary but it’s not as easy now.

I feel over time the experience has improved, and last term was much better than first term. DD has developed commuting muscle. So maybe in another year things will become normal. But my thoughts are that unless local options are bad, why add the extra hassle of a long and sometime unpredictable commute? Year 7 alone is hard enough!

i think we need to know your local school choice. You say you wouldn’t feel
happy with Northbridge House? I have friends who are very happy there. Quite a few actually. It gives children a chance to shine without a lot of pressure and gives the parents a lot more control (or felling of it) than they would get in the local state. Don’t discount it.

Take St Paul's off your list - way too long a journey (same as Latymer if you mean LU) and if he's not top set he probably won't get in anyway. I'd say City Boys was doable commute-wise ditto UCS

We are temporarily doing a 45 min commute and it's hell. The DC are beside themselves each day by the time they get home (one in year 7, one in grade 2). No way would I choose this as a perm option.

When we move back our commute will go back to 10 mins and I honestly can't wait.

We're in Aus and got another 8 weeks of term 3 😔

Given in state primary and there is an uncertainty on the relative ability level, I would rather suggest try to apply as many schools you like first. Don't write off some options too early due to distance. Your DC must prep for the exams for quite some time, having additional test and assessment the gain outright the marginal addition efforts. You can know the school more during the process, and you always have the option to move later on.

It is when you have some offers, the decision should take school fit and distance into account. Don't fall in sunk cost fallency trap and pick the school with most difficulty chance of entrance or most "prestigious" one in some other peoples mind.

@PreplexJ the OP doesn’t have a huge amount of time, as her son is at the end of Y5.

My suggestion would be to have an assessment, soon, from a tutor experienced in 11+ entry to London independent boys’ schools and see what their advice is.

Hinted by other post from OP, the DC already prepare for the exams for some time. While it will be useful to get some advise from some tutor I think there is little harm to apply for those indies which only start the process from November.

Have you visited any of the schools OP?

Academic results are one part of a school - if it’s not a good fit for your child they will likely do as well or possibly better in a less academic school that fits their personality better.

The schools you have listed are all very academic - you need some bankers too.

And I wouldn’t discount school coaches - at least they don’t go on strike!

Think OP mentioned only certain private school is worth paying for. I assume that means highly academic selection. So banker is probably not in consideration.

He wants to go to one of the local states where his friends are going. This is not a good school with gang fights and knife crime. I don't think my 10 year old is capable of making the right choice for his future
Well, yes, that's a no brainier. I'm not in favour of choices of schools being put in the hands of 10 year olds, personally.
I certainly didn't do it.

And based on his current class sets they are likely to be a big stretch

DD commuted 45 mins (walk, train, walk) as she wanted to attend the grammar rather than the decent state school 20 mins walk away. Worked for her, meant she could do afterschool activities, there was bus if train strikes and also drivable if necessary. She had friends who travelled for up to 1.5 hours and they weren’t able to do afterschool activities.

DH and I disagreed about choice of school for DS so we resolved it by letting DS decide. DH and DS now agree they were wrong (though DH won’t admit I was right, ie now thinks alternative would have been better). However I do still think DS needs to have a say, eg choice between 2/3 decent schools rather than imposing your choice.

I would do private all the way. They quickly grow up in year 7. You'll be amazed.

Would a move be possible for you once you know where he has a place?

The comment I wouldn't let a 10 year old male a decision has really resonated with me. If you have a choice then you decide.