Refused non selective private school place…. Child devastated and have run out of options… just want to vent

[Endofroadwhatnext]

DS aged 12 has been struggling hugely in his (rated outstanding) Secondary. The first two weeks of yr 7 were ok but since then he’s been increasingly unhappy. Its now entered the realms of depression I think. Multiple reasons, its a huge school (1600 pupils) noisy and chaotic. Friendships gave been hard to navigate although teachers say he does have friends. He has neurodiversity traits and is waiting for an assessment for ASD/ ADHD but theres a two year minimum waiting list.
We decided to look around at private non selective options. Nearest school- full with waiting list. Next nearest full and also have entrance exams. Next nearest (20 miles) reputation of excellent pastoral care, excellent SEN and friends kids excelled there. Had interview and they liaised with our DC existing school then offered two trial days. All going well or so it seemed! DC loved the school and put his best foot forward.
We then get an email saying, basically DC was not going to be offered a place as he was ‘too confident and outgoing’ ( he us not but will try to behave in the way he thinks is expected in this instance keen and wanting to learn. They also referenced not being a good fit with the other children in the class (class of only nine!!).
We were totally open and honest about DC challenges on approaching the school and they had reports, spoke with current pastoral lead etc.
DC is devastated, feels an utter reject/ failure.
I am at a total loss as to where to go/ what to do next.

Can you maybe meet with them and discus the issues? Seems an odd reason to refuse a place. A class needs a mix of kids.

@polkadotdalmation thanks for replying. My Husband is going to request a meeting with the head to try to understand. She whisked DC off on his second morning and according to DC said he had to be ‘amazing’ as they were already having problems with a group of boys in the year and it was creating a lot of work’. I appreciate this has DC interpretation but dud strike me as an odd conversation to have with a 12yo

How awful. So the school is selective after all? You need to re-frame it to your son so he doesn't feel rejected for doing the best he could. Not sure how, but I do feel for him.

my friend was similarly let down at a Private school, interview, trial day and interview with parents went well. Their boy was so excited told all his school friends he was leaving and then the school rejected him.

They pushed back and it was the report from his current school they believe (I say they believe as the private school said we don’t have to tell you) about his academics but it’s a non selective school known for its pastoral care.

To me I would read "too confident and outgoing" as disruptive.

I do think it's incredibly cruel to be "non selective" on academics but then extremely selective on personality. Poor DS having the chance to trial the school to then be told they don't want him!

Is there any chance he came across as slightly dominant or overbearing.

Just making a guess at what they meant, I'd imagine in such a small class one highly confident child could have detrimental affect on the experience of 8/9 quieter students.

Maybe try and take the best from it, as starting the school and having issues with class dynamics may have knocked him further, best to avoid.

It is too late for this time but I wouldn't have told him he was rejected, I'd have said you heard from someone it wasn't that great and you'd changed your mind!

I think you are lucky to have avoided this school, although it hurts now. Sorry you are going through this.

Can you expedite the assessments using your own finances?

Is it a SN focused school or at least, a school that attracts families with children with SN? I am guessing so based on the small class sizes and good SEN provision.

I wonder if they have quite a few pupils in his prospective class who have relatively severe SN / are not socially outgoing and they are saying your DS is less severe / is socially outgoing and so wouldn’t fit in and be happy there?

Thanks all for your kind responses.
I broke the news to him as positively as I could and emphasised that it was about the needs of the existing children and how they weren’t a good fit for him, but I had to be truthful that they had said no as he was so so keen and wouldn’t have accepted that we had changed our minds.
@papayabread yes that is my interpretation. Inside DC does mot feel confident or ‘on top of things’ and he can get very intensely into things that interest him (one of his traits). This does vome over as quite full on, but he doesn’t get angry/ fight/ run around etc and to be honest I would expect a school selling itself on excellent SEN and pastoral care to be a bit more willing to work with these issues. Oh well

@wildfirewonder we would gladly use our financial resources for this but were explicitly advised against it by the very experienced Neurodiversity lead at his current school.

Non-academically selective schools often have to be more selective on behaviours as they get a huge range of children applying.

I think very few children can fit into a class of 9, particularly when there is already behavioural problems evident. I know it's always hard to deal with rejection but I think you've dodged a bullet here.

My DS went to a very small village school and practically every year children left due to friendship issues/not feeling they fitted in. Class sizes that small aren't a magic bullet.

An you move areas? I was always open to moving to a different part of the country if it was the right thing for our kids. Your child is not happy and sounds like he knows his own mind.

Rarely is there a TA in a private school so the teacher has to be able to manage the sen within class with not too much extra stress - I would look at the things that they have said and say look at the report from school, how many detentions, attendance, punctuality etc all that can be taken into account - he’s sounds as if he came across as loud and overbearing and perhaps wasn’t sensitive to others - which isn’t what an existing class might want or need

ask for a meeting

but be prepared not to push back it’s not a good fit

Why were you advised against getting a private assessment? Every professional we have spoken to about our DC who is on a 4 year waiting list for an NHS assessment advised that it would be positive to go privately if we can.

Thanks everyone. Its just destroying me that we are basically powerless to help him as things stand. I’ve suggested deregistering him and enrolling him with an online school (he hates that idea) or trying to switch to a smaller secondary which he’s also saying he doesn’t want to do.
Ive even considered a private school for neurodiverse children but he doesn’t as yet have a diagnois so that’s impossible too 🙁

@Toffeebythesea we were told that the private assessments are not as robust and not always accepted so might create additional problems. We are probably at that point where we will have to persue it though. (Thats yet another problem as the two closest providers have closed their waiting lists!!)

Sympathies - it does sound as though it was a bad for though, especially with the school showing no insight and calling him outgoing and confident. Have you thought about flexi schooling - reduce his days in his current school and top up with tutors? Ideally you’d want to take him out of the thing that cause him stress and use that time for tutoring.

what does his current school think would help?

2 dc with ASD here - it’s a never ending merry go round.

This school sounds really weird. If they only have 9 in the class (and it's single form entry), I'd be wondering about the school's financial position.

9 isn't nearly enough to make friends in any situation.

I think you've dodged a bullet!

@Endofroadwhatnext

Don't listen to your SENCo. Get private assessments that are carried out within the NICE guidelines. You should have him assessed by September this way.

Until then, request a meeting with his SENCo to get an IEP/review his IEP and make sure school are meeting his needs as much as they possibly can. He needs more support in the school he is currently in. Be the squeaky wheel....unfortunately this is the only way to get things done when you have a child with SEN.

I've been where you are, my child rejected by two private schools who like to masquerade under a "caring, non-selective, Christian ethos"....turns out they were a lot more selective than they let on. Despicable and destructive to the child as well.

You can PM me if you like x

The private assessments will be accepted so long as they follow the NICE guidelines, which anywhere competent will do anyway. Absolutely get a private diagnosis if you can.

@Wintry57 Current school seem to know the difficulties but are struggling to do anything much day to day. He has an ‘exit’ card but just goes and sits in a room with staff doing their own work. He did have three or four sessions with an ‘ELSA’ support worker which he did find helpful but it probably just wasn’t enough to make longer term changes. His main issues are social (gets things wrong which gets him noticed by older kids not in a good way) lack of focus / attention and frustration when he cannot get something straight away ( shuts down/ gives up). He cannot organise himself so is consistently 2 mins late which then results in cycles of detentions/ behaviour notes which demoralise and demotivate him further.

He wouldn’t be happy in the class of 9 anyway. My daughter moved to a private primary with only 3 girls in the class. It was not good for her socially.
Are you in the position to home educate/use tutors? It might be a way forward either in the short or long term.

@DyslexiaMum1 thank you this message means a lot.

That’s bollocks about not getting a private assessment. If you get one that cuts corners, yes it may not be any good, but take him to a good child Psychiatrist specialist long in ND disorders and they will do the whole thing with the proper report and it will be accepted. Gosh these people make me mad! X