Refused non selective private school place…. Child devastated and have run out of options… just want to vent

[Endofroadwhatnext]

DS aged 12 has been struggling hugely in his (rated outstanding) Secondary. The first two weeks of yr 7 were ok but since then he’s been increasingly unhappy. Its now entered the realms of depression I think. Multiple reasons, its a huge school (1600 pupils) noisy and chaotic. Friendships gave been hard to navigate although teachers say he does have friends. He has neurodiversity traits and is waiting for an assessment for ASD/ ADHD but theres a two year minimum waiting list.
We decided to look around at private non selective options. Nearest school- full with waiting list. Next nearest full and also have entrance exams. Next nearest (20 miles) reputation of excellent pastoral care, excellent SEN and friends kids excelled there. Had interview and they liaised with our DC existing school then offered two trial days. All going well or so it seemed! DC loved the school and put his best foot forward.
We then get an email saying, basically DC was not going to be offered a place as he was ‘too confident and outgoing’ ( he us not but will try to behave in the way he thinks is expected in this instance keen and wanting to learn. They also referenced not being a good fit with the other children in the class (class of only nine!!).
We were totally open and honest about DC challenges on approaching the school and they had reports, spoke with current pastoral lead etc.
DC is devastated, feels an utter reject/ failure.
I am at a total loss as to where to go/ what to do next.

I got independent EP and SaLT reports and my son was turned down by all 3 local “nurturing”
private schools. I couldn’t get over the refusal letter saying they didn’t think he could cope with the noisy and busy environment of their school - oh, but a school with twice the number in a class and 3 times the number of pupils across the school will be quieter and calmer?!!!!
Fine, reject my son if you must, but don’t come up with some stupid reasons 😡
I feel your sadness @Endofroadwhatnext as have been through somewhat similar.
In terms of private assessments, our ASD assessment was funded by the NHS but they outsourced it to a private firm. The report has been accepted by both NHS and Local Authority as it meets NICE guidelines (it had to as they were assessing on behalf of the NHS!). We then chose to have his ADHD assessment done by the same firm but privately as we couldn’t wait the 2 years we would have needed to on the NHS - this report is also to NICE guidelines and has been accepted by CAMHS and he is now under them for medication. Good luck with it all.

That’s what trial days are for. They don’t want pupils they think will be disruptive or ‘hard work.’ Probably best he didn’t get in. He’s unlikely to have been happy there.

Hello OP I have been there and know how it feels when your child is rejected. I am not sure if you are anywhere near Bruern Abbey in Oxfordshire- but if you are go and see John Floyd the head

Thanks @PerfectPenny its horrible isnt it. I got rejected for a job I really wanted a few weeks ago Yes I was disappointed for a bit but absolutely nothing compared with how I feel about DS being rejected like this. Its massively tarnished how I feel about private education in general tbh. We sre not a million miles away from Oxfordshire so I’ll certainly take a look st Bruern Abbey xx

This is what makes me so mad with the UK education system - children that have executive function deficits are labelled as 'naughty' and made to feel bad about not being able to do certain things...which is effectively traits of their disability. To get a diagnosis of ADHD he needs a track record of being late...but he's then getting dentition for it? I would be screaming the corridors down if my child with executive function problems was being given dentition for showing the signs of his disability. Our education system is failing neurodiverse children.
Myself and my children have inattentive ADHD (please google) and their schools know not to give them detention.
In fact in the next few years when I have more time I am going to launch a campaign for schools to better recognise and understand executive function issues and how they can help these kids rather than label them as naughty and effect their confidence. In feel schools are being openly disablist punishing these kids for showing traits of their disability.
I know its frustrating but from what I have read in your OP I am not sure your son does sound suitable for this school. He might find his current school too big and noisy...but you are also alluding to his biggest problem being social issues.
If I was you I would find him a good play therapist or someone else who can help him develop his social skills. He needs to develop these in getting hm prepared for being an adult. You need to use this opportunity to work out what skills he has missing and how to get them.
In terms of the school being big and noisy - he won't be the only child with sensory overload - the school sen office should be able to help with this but unfort schools can not be forthcoming without a diagnosis.
Can I just add - my children go to different schools and both schools have accepted private diagnosis and private ed phsy reports and given them the necessary support.
Also, - please google infant reflexes not going dormant and see if that applies to him because there are things that can be done to help reduce his sensory overload.