Refused non selective private school place…. Child devastated and have run out of options… just want to vent

[Endofroadwhatnext]

DS aged 12 has been struggling hugely in his (rated outstanding) Secondary. The first two weeks of yr 7 were ok but since then he’s been increasingly unhappy. Its now entered the realms of depression I think. Multiple reasons, its a huge school (1600 pupils) noisy and chaotic. Friendships gave been hard to navigate although teachers say he does have friends. He has neurodiversity traits and is waiting for an assessment for ASD/ ADHD but theres a two year minimum waiting list.
We decided to look around at private non selective options. Nearest school- full with waiting list. Next nearest full and also have entrance exams. Next nearest (20 miles) reputation of excellent pastoral care, excellent SEN and friends kids excelled there. Had interview and they liaised with our DC existing school then offered two trial days. All going well or so it seemed! DC loved the school and put his best foot forward.
We then get an email saying, basically DC was not going to be offered a place as he was ‘too confident and outgoing’ ( he us not but will try to behave in the way he thinks is expected in this instance keen and wanting to learn. They also referenced not being a good fit with the other children in the class (class of only nine!!).
We were totally open and honest about DC challenges on approaching the school and they had reports, spoke with current pastoral lead etc.
DC is devastated, feels an utter reject/ failure.
I am at a total loss as to where to go/ what to do next.

Don’t understand why a child who is referred for assessment is getting detentions/behaviour notes - not surprised he’s down. They do sound rubbish. I’d be tempted to check the private school for ND kids accepts a private diagnosis and plough ahead with that too.

both of my dc struggled with focus,
attention, giving up and shutting down due to sensory and social overload and poor pastoral care.

noise wore them out and it wasn’t until we moved them to a quieter school where adults bonded with them positively that we realised the impact on their academic achievement.

a lot of observable ‘autistic’ behaviours are stress behaviours.

I was in the EXACT swme
place as you

my child really struggled with school refusal. We went to a private school. The bursar said about leaving our old school. He gave us tips on how to do it. We had two big interviews and an exam. I did say if it was an exam for their intelligence then we wouldn’t go ahead. Because the entire thing was she wasn’t learning at the state school because of how anxious she was. We were fully transparent.

we got told they wouldn’t get a place because ‘they’re not confident nor intelligent to get a place at our school’

sade to say I had an absolute meltdown and like you we were out of options. I had nowhere else to turn

so for their own mental health I took them out of school completely and decided to home ed.

I’ve never told them why. We would have paid for my other one to go there but they would take them on. But not the one who needed more support

i couldn’t/wouldn’t ever trust a school again. Private or state. Not after what we went through.

I very much agree. I have autistic children as well. LAs tell people this because it suits them. Independent reports are usually more thorough, especially if you get someone recommended to you who is a specialist in ND conditions.

If the LA decides to ignore such a report, a tribunal would expect them to explain why.

His current school should be supporting his needs regardless of whether he has a formal diagnosis or not. If he struggles with organisation he should be given extra consideration for this. I teach secondary and we get regular emails about this kind of the thing. I also spoke to our Senco recently about going private for a ND assessment for my own son, and she said that schools now have to accept private diagnoses as equal to NHS ones. Just another way in which the Tories are eroding the NHS if you ask me, but good to know if you are in a position to fund the private route.

@Retire50 its not an option sadly as my DH runs a business here and we have an older DC who will be starting A levels in Sept.

The psychiatrist who diagnosed my child with ASD and ADHD spends half her time doing private diagnosis and half doing CAMHS diagnosis. The irony!

I absolutely hate the drive to dissuade parents from private assessment. It reduces the burden on the NHS, children get their needs met quicker. What is not to like about this arrangement?!

I say this in the kindest way....SENCos are extremely put upon in schools. Some REALLY know their stuff. Others know very, very little and may not have even taken their SENCo training yet (they don't have to take it in order to secure the role, just agree to starting the training in the first two years of their position). In a lot of cases they are fire fighting and drowing in SEN admin for childrens assessments and EHCPs. They are not always beacons of SEN knowledge. Instead, go and speak to someone at IPSEA. They will shine a light on the way forward for you. Good luck xx

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/Pages/Category/service-overview

Have you tried a different state school? Outstanding secondaries can be fairly brutal and not keen on supporting SEN, as they are generally all about the results. If you went after an Outstanding school, your son may be a square peg in a round hole.

That’s what we did

i said we decided it wasn’t good enough for you.

It also turned out my one had ADHD. Hence the troubles in school. They were dragged in though and I couldn’t do it every single fay

however home ed has changed them. You wouldn’t know how strong. Kind loving they are now! Life has changed and I’ll never get them back in school. They want to be medical though and has trouble focusing. But will do ok.

Exactly what I was going to say. Outstanding doesn't always mean outstanding for all. Are there smaller state schools locally?

By all means leave him on the NHS wait list but I would still be seeking a private assessment in the meantime. If you have the financial means it seems utterly bonkers to not do that and leave him floundering. Knowledge is power and surely having a better understanding of his issues can only help him?

The school my DC is at is just our local one- it just happens to be rated as outstanding . Its been a great school for my older DC both socially and academically so I never sawxall this coming!!

I’m sorry OP. I’ve worked at a school that sounds similar to this. I would guess that in that small class of 9 boys there is already one if not two with significant needs that are taking up a lot of teacher time and other parents are starting to get antsy. I would guess they have made a crude calculation (being a business) that taking one extra child with a more needy profile could risk losing multiple children from the class. You don’t know what’s going on in the background regarding parent complaints etc.

Yes....can seonc/third the outstanding comments. My experience is that IN GENERAL these schools are outstanding for the average and above kids who are relatively malleable and compliant.

My own children were at one. We moved them to an RI school and the care and creativity in their methods of inclusion has blown me away and had me in tears post drop off on some days. They have been amazing.

I make these comments as a SEN parent and a teacher, so I have seen both sides xxx

I absolutely hate the drive to dissuade parents from private assessment. It reduces the burden on the NHS, children get their needs met quicker. What is not to like about this arrangement?!

The LA don't like it because suddenly, evidence exists that they need to provide funding for a child's unmet needs. They prefer the woolly, unspecific reports created by their own cardboard Ed Psychs.

Any school who rejects a child on such spurious grounds (or worse, puts forward a spurious excuse to spare your feelings) can GTF quite frankly. I can imagine your poor boy was trying so hard to impress.

I can also imagine that a neurodivergent kid is going to stand out like a sore thumb in a class of only nine.

Ugh, how depressing. My autistic boy is only in year 2 but I already know that he’s local to a massive comp over my dead body. Your thread is making me realise how few options are out there OP.

Should have said “going to the local comp over my dead body”

I don’t know why there aren’t more supported home learning and part time school options especially post pandemic - many schools and classes are too big and too busy. We have the technology…

Have you started the process to get an EHCP at your current school?
You don’t need a diagnosis for that and school should be able to get assessments done.
I would be pushing back against detentions for being late. Get the Senco on your side and have a meeting with her and the Head of Year if necessary.

It’s not the size or comprehensive nature - a 240 pupil per year comp near us has brilliant specialist autism provision. Half of that is because the school is big enough to support it.

You can’t generalise.

Agreed @manontroppo . My boys go to a secondary with 330 per year but have been fantastically supported although very different profiles.

I’ve read on here by a couple of posters with children with SEN themselves that their kids got on better in schools with lower ofsted ratings. I’m not saying that’s always the case. My dd didn’t get on with a large Ofsted outstanding school and changed to private provision. It has a lot of issues and is a bit renowned for that despite the rating. Several children dropped out or went over to the private sector between years 7 and 10 - dd is now Yr 10. Smaller state schools are also better, especially if in a small / market town or village.

If you do have the meeting with the head, perhaps you can persuade them to reconsider if you talk about the cockiness being a mask and that will go once your ds feels more confident… presuming this is the case. Perhaps you could ask for assistance from his former primary?

As for the importance of a child fitting into a school, I do understand why it seems so grossly unfair. However, now that I’ve learned a little more about private education, I do now appreciate the importance. I know of a very small private school, which does take anyone and there are a lot of issues as some of the children there are very traumatised and some have behavioural issues along with others, who attend the school simply because their parents want them to attend independent provision. So a real mixed bag of children attending. There have been a number of issues arising and and it seems as though the school is not able to adequately safeguard and support the traumatised children.

I'd have thought if anything, this thread might have shown you that a "massive local comp" might actually have better, and kinder, provision than many a tiny private school. It will certainly have more ND children which means less feeling like the odd one out.

Schools and LAs cannot have a blanket policy of refusing to accept independent assessments purely because they are independent. The validity of any assessment and potential diagnosis is less likely to be questioned if the assessment follows the NICE guidelines &/or the HCP also undertakes NHS work.

However, support in schools is based on needs, not diagnosis. If DS needs more support have you considered requesting an EHCNA?

If you have the resources for private school fees, get an independent ASD/ADHD assessment and a private Ed Psych report. Use those to get either the correct support in the current school (possibly including an EHCP) and/or to open doors to more appropriate settings.

Find an ASD clinic led by someone who either still also does, or did very recently, NHS work. They can't reject it from a Dr who also works for them the rest of the week.

Waiting 2 years isn't going to help any of you.