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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Sending one child to state if they didn't get into private

73 replies

TownCrier · 28/03/2023 13:22

Inspired by the AIBU thread about sibling resentment and unfairness.

DD is in Y6 at state primary, and didn't get into any of the independent schools she applied to. We are in London where all indies are selective and need you to take an exam. They were all "backup" type schools, and she's reasonably able, so we expected her to get offers.

So, it turns out she gets anxious during exams and has difficulty concentrating. Feedback is that her maths is letting her down. (She isn't bad at maths, but she is prone to rushing and carelessness.)

She has a place at a local state (girls) school. The school is OK. She'd be fine with extra tutoring and may even do very well.

But. We do NOT want younger DS (Y3) to go to the catchment boys state comp. He is clever and weedy, and the school is rough and a bit stabby. He should have no problem with 11+ exams, but we are spooked, and now want to get him into a prep or a through-train independent, just in case.

We've exhausted independent school options for DD. She doesn't want to board, and we can't leave London. We can afford the fees. WWYD?

OP posts:
QuiteAJourney · 28/03/2023 13:27

Whereabouts in London are you? In SW, I would consider whether schools like The Hall have spaces. There may be similar options elsewhere in London.
Also, have you considered the preps that go to 13 and then attempting the 13+?
Another options is to consider not necessarily boarding but Flexi-boarding.

Original poster
TownCrier · 28/03/2023 13:31

Closer to SE than SW, and not in reasonable travelling distance to any independent schools that would suit her and are have places at this stage that haven't already said no.

Weekly boarding would be the making of her, but she is dead against the idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
TownCrier · 28/03/2023 13:38

She might want to board from Y8 or Y9, though. We're open to anything!

OP posts:
Dodgeitornot · 28/03/2023 14:14

Why don't you apply for Y9 entry at weekly boarding? You need to do that around now anyway, some places will be full. I really don't think it's the same situation as the other poster, she doesn't have the money for both. It's very different when your child couldn't get a place Vs not giving them that option at all.
I would advise you to look into y9 boarding and she will be old enough to make that decision then. However, you've openly given her lots of options and unlike the other poster, private was an option for her, not just her younger brother.

Comefromaway · 28/03/2023 14:18

Selective schools are not suitable for all children. Send your dd where she will thrive best and your ds where he will thrive best (subject to finances).

Dd went to a private school on a dance bursary. Ds went to a selective school and it was a disaster so we moved him to state. Both got the best we could give them at the time.

PuttingDownRoots · 28/03/2023 14:25

Don't push boarding if she isn't keen... quick way to make her miserable! (We were considering boarding and our DD was very honest with us... but tbh we had realised already it wasn't right for her)

Can you move more locally for a better state school back up for DS? Or into Grammar catchment. Then use the saved money for extra curricular for both children

Bobsbees · 28/03/2023 14:50

If the state school is right for her and the private is right for your DS I wouldn't worry. My brother went to an independent school and my sister and I both went to the local state and it has never bothered me - it was what was right for us at the time.

puffyisgood · 28/03/2023 14:51

I think you need to make it fair one way or another. e.g. giving her the same amount of money that would have gone on school fees as a deposit on a first home?

Dodgeitornot · 28/03/2023 16:39

puffyisgood · 28/03/2023 14:51

I think you need to make it fair one way or another. e.g. giving her the same amount of money that would have gone on school fees as a deposit on a first home?

How on earth is that fair. The other child didn't choose to be sent to a private school. You do what is best for your child at the time. OP is worried about fairness which is great, but her kids are being given equal opportunities. The older one got the opportunity to go, but didn't get in. They will no doubt be supported through their education in other ways.
Why should the younger one miss out on a payment just because his sister didn't get into a private school. That's horrible.

MerryMarigold · 28/03/2023 16:49

I'm a bit surprised that at 3 you've decided your DS will bullied at the state school! My DS was weedy at 3, is weedy at 14 (a bit self conscious about it but he's 14) and goes to a very rough school. However, he's also physically strong and super confident, had a huge circle of friends (some if whom are a bit dodge but they are his friends). My DD goes to the same school as him. Neither of them have had any bullying. Older brother went to much nicer school (still state but full of ex private/ pushy parents etc) and was bullied. You just don't know. Personally I would focus on your DD. I think other school is actually best for the average kids as they will end up with much better grades than a clever kid. If you're naturally academically talented you can do well anywhere. State schools these days are lacking quality - because of the lack of decent teachers who want to go into the profession or stay in the profession. It's very depressing. So I would try and get them both into private somehow.

MerryMarigold · 28/03/2023 16:51

Private school not 'other school'

MerryMarigold · 28/03/2023 16:53

Sorry to spam, I meant to say average kids will have a much bigger grade difference in private vs. state. Academically gifted kids should do pretty well anywhere.

Dodgeitornot · 28/03/2023 16:59

@MerryMarigold Her son is in Y3, not aged 3.
Why should he not get a chance to go to a school that would suit him? His sister got that choice and opportunity, and although didn't get in, has what is probably a school that suits her.

TFP · 28/03/2023 17:05

Dodgeitornot · 28/03/2023 16:39

How on earth is that fair. The other child didn't choose to be sent to a private school. You do what is best for your child at the time. OP is worried about fairness which is great, but her kids are being given equal opportunities. The older one got the opportunity to go, but didn't get in. They will no doubt be supported through their education in other ways.
Why should the younger one miss out on a payment just because his sister didn't get into a private school. That's horrible.

Show quote history

I'm not sure I really agree with that. I'd be more inclined to accept that argument if we were talking about a state grammar where one child had passed the 11+ and the other not. I think if you're committing to spending circa £140k [roughly seven years times £20k p.a.] on child A and zero on child B then it's perfectly normal for child B to ask questions about that.

Dodgeitornot · 28/03/2023 17:09

@TFP Of course they can ask questions! They had the opportunity and didn't get in, what more do you want? I have no doubt OP has called many schools trying to get her in somewhere and will support her wherever she goes. It sounds like she has been offered boarding schools too which are horrifically expensive.
How about the younger brother. Don't you think he will be resentful that he's been sent to what sounds like a horrible boys school, just because his sister didn't get into a private school? All the while she gets to attend, what sounds like, a much nicer girls school.
You cannot, at age 11, expect a child to decide between lots and lots of money and a private school place. In OPs situation it doesn't sound like the money is the issue, but the fit of the school, which should always be the overriding factor anyway. People are obsessed with fairness. This is nothing like the previous poster who wasn't even planning on letting their older child try for private school.

mmalinky · 28/03/2023 17:16

and a bit stabby.

what does that mean?!

TFP · 28/03/2023 17:23

Dodgeitornot · 28/03/2023 17:09

@TFP Of course they can ask questions! They had the opportunity and didn't get in, what more do you want? I have no doubt OP has called many schools trying to get her in somewhere and will support her wherever she goes. It sounds like she has been offered boarding schools too which are horrifically expensive.
How about the younger brother. Don't you think he will be resentful that he's been sent to what sounds like a horrible boys school, just because his sister didn't get into a private school? All the while she gets to attend, what sounds like, a much nicer girls school.
You cannot, at age 11, expect a child to decide between lots and lots of money and a private school place. In OPs situation it doesn't sound like the money is the issue, but the fit of the school, which should always be the overriding factor anyway. People are obsessed with fairness. This is nothing like the previous poster who wasn't even planning on letting their older child try for private school.

Let's agree to disagree.

Staffielove23 · 28/03/2023 17:35

Confused as to how you know your son won’t be fine at the state school but will be at private. Majority of people go state and are fine. The geeky kids hang out with each other, etc. it’s the same everywhere.

KnittingNeedles · 28/03/2023 17:39

mmalinky · 28/03/2023 17:16

and a bit stabby.

what does that mean?!

Obviously, it means that there are violence/knife issues among the pupils.

StaringAtTheWater · 28/03/2023 17:40

It's not unfair for your DD to go to state school and your DS to go private for secondary, if he gets in and she didn't. If they had the same opportunity to get a place there.

What could be unfair, and your DD may question it later, is if you move your DS into a private primary (which if I understand the OP correctly, is what you are considering?) You don't know if your daughter would have got into the independent secondary, if she'd had the benefit of independent school for some of her primary years. For that reason I'd keep your DS at the state primary, encourage him as much as you can to apply himself, and hope for the best! Moving him to a private primary would be unfair to your DD.

BelindaBears · 28/03/2023 17:42

If your son is academically bright enough to get into the private school but your daughter isn’t then frankly it sounds like she is the one who would benefit more from the private school than him.

mmalinky · 28/03/2023 17:44

@KnittingNeedles I'm in South London. I don't know any schools where knife issues amongst pupils is common?

mmalinky · 28/03/2023 17:44

as in kids routinely stabbing each other in school

CurlewKate · 28/03/2023 17:46

What sort of results does the boy's school get? What does "a bit stabby" mean?

Original poster
TownCrier · 28/03/2023 17:47

MerryMarigold · 28/03/2023 16:53

Sorry to spam, I meant to say average kids will have a much bigger grade difference in private vs. state. Academically gifted kids should do pretty well anywhere.

Yes, and I do worry that DD will undershoot her potential at state. She has a tendency to coast.

We are now wishing we'd sent her to independent from reception... although we couldn't afford it in those days!

OP posts: