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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Sending one child to state if they didn't get into private

73 replies

TownCrier · 28/03/2023 13:22

Inspired by the AIBU thread about sibling resentment and unfairness.

DD is in Y6 at state primary, and didn't get into any of the independent schools she applied to. We are in London where all indies are selective and need you to take an exam. They were all "backup" type schools, and she's reasonably able, so we expected her to get offers.

So, it turns out she gets anxious during exams and has difficulty concentrating. Feedback is that her maths is letting her down. (She isn't bad at maths, but she is prone to rushing and carelessness.)

She has a place at a local state (girls) school. The school is OK. She'd be fine with extra tutoring and may even do very well.

But. We do NOT want younger DS (Y3) to go to the catchment boys state comp. He is clever and weedy, and the school is rough and a bit stabby. He should have no problem with 11+ exams, but we are spooked, and now want to get him into a prep or a through-train independent, just in case.

We've exhausted independent school options for DD. She doesn't want to board, and we can't leave London. We can afford the fees. WWYD?

OP posts:

thesunday · 28/03/2023 21:04

You cannot, at age 11, expect a child to decide between lots and lots of money and a private school place.

totally agree @Dodgeitornot we recently (jokingly!) asked our DD if she wants to take up her place at the private school she got a place at or have the 150K in her bank. Guess what she chose?! Then our other daughter (currently halfway through private education) piped up how is that fair?!! I also want the money!

Hairyfairy01 · 28/03/2023 21:38

Hanford looks amazing! I wouldn't worry about sending one kid to state and one to private too much. I was state educated, siblings private, has never really been an issue.

Dodgeitornot · 28/03/2023 22:00

thesunday · 28/03/2023 21:04

You cannot, at age 11, expect a child to decide between lots and lots of money and a private school place.

Exactly! It's a stupid idea.

skilikeagirl · 28/03/2023 22:51

Try the state school. If it doesn't work out move her at Y9. Perhaps the weekly boarding will appeal by then.

kangarew · 29/03/2023 07:09

@TownCrier I think you're worrying unecessarily about the possibility of sibling resentment. The important thing is that both get a say in where they go. If your daughter wants to go to the girls's state school and your son wants to go to a private school, then let them - both will be happy. If your daughter changes her mind later, and you can afford to switch, then fine, but let it be her decision.

I chose a girls' state school for myself when I was 11, and although I rolled my eyes a bit at my brother's choice of a private school, I never resented the money or expected financial compensation. Siblings make make different life choices and follow different paths that need your help in different ways.

I now earn twice as much as my brother because he chose a low paid vocational profession. He also chose to have a lot more children than me, so over the years he got more financial help from my mum. I only know that because my mum would occasionally gift me a lump sum to "even things up". I never probed the detail or resented him though.

Ricco12 · 29/03/2023 07:38

My sister went to private school, I didn't

It's no issue. Why would it be..? I don't understand.

sheeeeeeshh · 29/03/2023 08:13

mmalinky · 28/03/2023 17:16

and a bit stabby.

what does that mean?!

Jesus. No wonder private school educated people think they're so much better than the majority of the population. Disgusting, ignorant attitude.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 29/03/2023 14:03

I went to a selective state school and my sister didn’t get in so went to a less competitive private school. It’s never occurred to me to think about how much it cost or what I ‘missed out’ on. We did have a different approach to money in our teenage years, and with hindsight the school she went to would have been a much better fit for me than the one I went to, but I would never have resented her for it and we are extremely close now.

Taptap2 · 29/03/2023 15:36

My brother resented me going to private school the whole of his life. It ruined our relationship, he had a huge chip on his shoulder and brought it up nearly every time I saw him. It’s not a choice I made but fry punished by it. Any success I had was always due to me going to private school.

WhiteFire · 29/03/2023 20:39

Ricco12 · 29/03/2023 07:38

My sister went to private school, I didn't

It's no issue. Why would it be..? I don't understand.

Yeas this. Fair enough my sister went under the then government assisted place scheme, so there was no fees, but there has never been any long term resentment. My other sister and I went to the local comp.

Comp: Nurse and health professional. Private: secondary school teacher. She has more (and better) qualifications under her belt but we all ended up in similar level professions.

My sister and I both took the entrance exam for the private school, we just didn't get in.

Do what is the right thing for each child.

Testina · 29/03/2023 21:01

“Weekly boarding would be the making of her, but she is dead against the idea.”

Seriously? 🙄

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 29/03/2023 21:34

A lot of people are saying on this thread it's fine because the daughter is going to the school which best suits her- but that's not really the case. She's going to the only school available, and if she'd had the chance to go to Prep, she might have got in.

So by sending her brother to Prep, he may get opportunities that she didn't.

Also, as you've realised, there's still a risk of getting no private secondary at all.

So perhaps the answer is to move within London?

FacebookFun · 29/03/2023 22:04

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster

TownCrier · 29/03/2023 22:12

@FacebookFun - Very sensible and more or less what I've been thinking.

@Postapocalypticcowgirl - Yes, this is a worry. A couple of her classmates were moved to preps during lockdown, and I'm regretting not doing this, but the pandemic was so chaotic for us and we didn't really have a gameplan.

OP posts:

SamPoodle123 · 29/03/2023 22:28

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 29/03/2023 21:34

So by sending her brother to Prep, he may get opportunities that she didn't.

Also, as you've realised, there's still a risk of getting no private secondary at all.

So perhaps the answer is to move within London?

Yea, but the poster cannot dwell on what did not happen. And if her dd went to prep, that does not guarantee she would have gotten in. But at least the prep could have given some guidance. It is possible to do well in the 11+ coming from state school, but you need to do your research to help prep, figure out what schools to target for her ability and the dc needs to be motivated.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 29/03/2023 22:31

TownCrier · 29/03/2023 22:12

@FacebookFun - Very sensible and more or less what I've been thinking.

To be clear, I'm not blaming you. But I do think you could be setting up a really negative dynamic. Particularly if you also enforce extra tutoring outside of school for your daughter, but not your son.

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 22:33

A friend of mine's younger brother was sent private. We're all in our 40s now. Issues still arise over the relative investment in him over her.

No advice, just sharing for context

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 22:34

"Weekly boarding would be the making of her, but she is dead against the idea."

This makes me feel sad. Why wouldn't your parenting be the making of her?

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 22:37

Another point on day places through - cost of living will mean more spots come up in years 8 and 9 for this cohort

Testina · 30/03/2023 04:02

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2023 22:34

"Weekly boarding would be the making of her, but she is dead against the idea."

This makes me feel sad. Why wouldn't your parenting be the making of her?

Exactly my thoughts.

@TownCrier maybe start a separate thread for advice on how you can improve the situation?

coloursquare · 31/03/2023 12:59

I'd send them both state and spend lots of time with them helping with homework and doing interesting things. Parental engagement biggest contributor to academic success.

Marchsnowstorms · 01/04/2023 17:12

If you have the money why didn't you move house or to do now??

Marchsnowstorms · 01/04/2023 17:29

There are tons of very good mixed state options in london. Move & put her on wait lists. Then just send both to state if you worried about boys school. But really state schools are not that bad. Kids find kids like them.
At my kids city state high, there is kudos about being in set1

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