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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Going from independent prep to state secondary

67 replies

kak808 · 06/03/2023 22:16

My DD is in Y4, so I’m a bit early to be thinking about this, but secondary school is fast approaching. We’re currently paying for prep but I don’t see us being able to afford this at the secondary level unless our financial situation improves considerably.

My DD has a lot of social anxiety and really struggles making friends. She is not someone who can cope with bullying and is SEN. I just worry about sending her to a comprehensive after her sheltered prep experience (very small school) and if she’ll deal with the change ok. I just envision her being referred to as “posh tw*t” every day a la Will from Inbetweeners 😭

Also, if we were to make the move to state and then it just really didn’t work out well would we basically lose the opportunity to get into an independent secondary or would her 11+ schools (assuming we still had her do them) kind of carry over if we were looking to make a change?

Unfortunately we’re unlikely to get into the one state comp (all-girls) that looks pretty good to me and I don’t hear great things about our closer (co-ed) schools.

Anyone been through similar and have advice?

OP posts:
secondspring · 06/03/2023 22:23

No experience because we stayed in the private system but had the same concerns as our local school is huge and ds did not want to go there. Our prep school went up until year 8 and our local state is also 13. Could you do the final year in the state before joining the secondary so friendships could be formed before moving up.

thesunday · 06/03/2023 22:25

Bullying isn't exclusive to state schools, you know. It can be just as rife at any school. You get mean kids everywhere no?

Also, if we were to make the move to state and then it just really didn’t work out well would we basically lose the opportunity to get into an independent secondary or would her 11+ schools (assuming we still had her do them) kind of carry over if we were looking to make a change?

Do you mean: will private secondary schools hold an 11+ place for you? Not in London, but you may be able to get an occasional place somewhere if it doesn't work out.

We've moved a child from prep school to an outstanding non leafy inner city comp and it has been absolutely fine.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 06/03/2023 22:28

You say you haven't heard great things about the state school options. There is a lot of prejudice about. I wouldn't go on what other people say. Look at the schools, go to open days, form your own views.

Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 22:30

thesunday · 06/03/2023 22:25

Bullying isn't exclusive to state schools, you know. It can be just as rife at any school. You get mean kids everywhere no?

Also, if we were to make the move to state and then it just really didn’t work out well would we basically lose the opportunity to get into an independent secondary or would her 11+ schools (assuming we still had her do them) kind of carry over if we were looking to make a change?

Do you mean: will private secondary schools hold an 11+ place for you? Not in London, but you may be able to get an occasional place somewhere if it doesn't work out.

We've moved a child from prep school to an outstanding non leafy inner city comp and it has been absolutely fine.

Oh yes, I know bullying can happen anywhere! The independent secondaries I have thought about though seem to be very tough on bullying from what I’ve heard from parents and have fewer children and more staff. So I’d think they’d be able to deal with things more easily than a large comprehensive, but obviously who knows.

I meant would it be possible to get an occasional place if they had 11+ results on record? I guess I’m not really sure how that works normally.

OP posts:
Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 23:18

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 06/03/2023 22:28

You say you haven't heard great things about the state school options. There is a lot of prejudice about. I wouldn't go on what other people say. Look at the schools, go to open days, form your own views.

Unfortunately I don’t know anyone with kids at the local schools. I just hear about fights, knives, etc. but I think they’re technically rated ok. And also, things will change in the next two years of course!

OP posts:
snowtrees · 06/03/2023 23:18

Don't tar all state schools as being too big / disruptive. Many are far from this. Ours is big but the way it's organised is such that DC don't feel it is. Rare that there are issues. Plenty of prep kids go to state highs

Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 23:20

secondspring · 06/03/2023 22:23

No experience because we stayed in the private system but had the same concerns as our local school is huge and ds did not want to go there. Our prep school went up until year 8 and our local state is also 13. Could you do the final year in the state before joining the secondary so friendships could be formed before moving up.

I don’t think I’d want to move DD before the end of prep — there’s no guarantee she’d be with the same kids from primary to secondary and we’d lose the benefit of the 11+ prep from the school if we decided to stick with that.

OP posts:
PotKettel · 06/03/2023 23:27

Why don’t you work on building your dd’s social skills and resilience? You’ve got two and a half years to get her ready so that the “posh tw*t” comments don’t phase her, so she knows how to foster good quality friendships.

Find out some facts about knife crime at your local co-eds, could be an exaggeration.

Being too sheltered is as unhelpful to a child’s future prospects as being poorly educated, if you ask me.

Martial arts might be a good place to start, find a class in an area that isn’t too naice and get her out there making friends.

Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 23:29

snowtrees · 06/03/2023 23:18

Don't tar all state schools as being too big / disruptive. Many are far from this. Ours is big but the way it's organised is such that DC don't feel it is. Rare that there are issues. Plenty of prep kids go to state highs

No I’m not. And I’m a state school girl myself through and through! I don’t really fit in with the Indy parents 😀

I’ll definitely check out the local schools closer to the time!

OP posts:
NotABeliever · 06/03/2023 23:32

In your situation I would save every penny and send her private at secondary even if it means a bit sacrifice.

NotABeliever · 06/03/2023 23:32

big not bit

Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 23:33

PotKettel · 06/03/2023 23:27

Why don’t you work on building your dd’s social skills and resilience? You’ve got two and a half years to get her ready so that the “posh tw*t” comments don’t phase her, so she knows how to foster good quality friendships.

Find out some facts about knife crime at your local co-eds, could be an exaggeration.

Being too sheltered is as unhelpful to a child’s future prospects as being poorly educated, if you ask me.

Martial arts might be a good place to start, find a class in an area that isn’t too naice and get her out there making friends.

I’m trying! She’s in therapy, so hopefully that will help with some aspects. She has anxiety, depression, and ADHD, so it’s more complicated than me just telling her to toughen up.

I think it’s terrible to produce sheltered children, but at the same time I’m finding myself thinking that my DD may require a bit of sheltering for the coming few years to make sure she comes out of the teen years ok. I really worry about her mental well-being.

That doesn’t mean no way for state school, I just need to think very thoroughly about our options.

OP posts:
saffy9876 · 06/03/2023 23:34

Is a scholarship or a bursary a possibility?

Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 23:39

saffy9876 · 06/03/2023 23:34

Is a scholarship or a bursary a possibility?

Possibly? I think we’d try for one, but as I understand they aren’t guaranteed to continue so I wouldn’t want to completely depend on that.

Our financial situation changed drastically between last year and this year so we have a bit of a bursary at the moment from our current school, but I think that’s not likely to continue.

My husband makes good money (though I can’t work at the moment), so I feel bad asking for a bursary, but having two DCs in independent schools, plus not being on the housing ladder (and thus paying ridiculously high rent!) makes things pretty tight.

OP posts:
padsi1975 · 06/03/2023 23:43

Don't 93% of UK kids go to state secondaries? Reading on here, you'd think the state schools are the wild west. It doesn't make any sense. Unless you accept that 93% of the country get educated in dreadful establishments. Are you sure that the state schools are bad? Or are they just state schools, totally fine but not fee paying. That is an entirely different thing.

MrsMikeHeck · 06/03/2023 23:44

Both my dc went from independent at primary to state secondary. DH and I are both teachers, and have both worked in private and state - him secondary and me primary.

As an adult looking in from the outside, state secondaries seem terrifying but honestly there are so many awesome things about them.

State SEN provision is miles ahead of private and the pastoral support my dd (also big social anxiety) has received has been consistently excellent.

I think state schools are able to be more reflective. They expect bullying to happen and so will have policies in place and then act on those policies. My experience of the private sector is that they are so terrified of anything bad being attributed to the school that they are inclined to minimise and ignore, or defer to the loudest shouting parent.

I would suggest going to look at as many secondaries as you can. Do the open evenings next September, but then also visit during the school day if they have tours. You’ll soon get a feel for what you like. Good luck!

RelentlessForwardProgress · 06/03/2023 23:49

I also have a yr 4 at indep and am weighing up options for secondary.

My DC sound quite similar, ADHD, socially inept, very immature etc. Is also currently at a small, very supportive school with small classes and lots of time for one on one. I also worry what entry into a state secondary would look like.

I am also starting to think about what to do but the way forward isn't clear to me at all at the moment.

Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 23:50

padsi1975 · 06/03/2023 23:43

Don't 93% of UK kids go to state secondaries? Reading on here, you'd think the state schools are the wild west. It doesn't make any sense. Unless you accept that 93% of the country get educated in dreadful establishments. Are you sure that the state schools are bad? Or are they just state schools, totally fine but not fee paying. That is an entirely different thing.

I think my problem is the bubble of only knowing parents in London whose children are in independent schools. Maybe I just need to make some new friends!

As I previously stated, I went to a large, rough state school and honestly had the time of my life. My DD just seems so…fragile? I’m just not sure it’s the right choice for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 23:51

MrsMikeHeck · 06/03/2023 23:44

Both my dc went from independent at primary to state secondary. DH and I are both teachers, and have both worked in private and state - him secondary and me primary.

As an adult looking in from the outside, state secondaries seem terrifying but honestly there are so many awesome things about them.

State SEN provision is miles ahead of private and the pastoral support my dd (also big social anxiety) has received has been consistently excellent.

I think state schools are able to be more reflective. They expect bullying to happen and so will have policies in place and then act on those policies. My experience of the private sector is that they are so terrified of anything bad being attributed to the school that they are inclined to minimise and ignore, or defer to the loudest shouting parent.

I would suggest going to look at as many secondaries as you can. Do the open evenings next September, but then also visit during the school day if they have tours. You’ll soon get a feel for what you like. Good luck!

I do agree I’m sure there are plenty of benefits to state schools! I always assumed that’s where my children would end up but we ended up waylaid into the private school system somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
kak808 · 06/03/2023 23:52

RelentlessForwardProgress · 06/03/2023 23:49

I also have a yr 4 at indep and am weighing up options for secondary.

My DC sound quite similar, ADHD, socially inept, very immature etc. Is also currently at a small, very supportive school with small classes and lots of time for one on one. I also worry what entry into a state secondary would look like.

I am also starting to think about what to do but the way forward isn't clear to me at all at the moment.

It’s tough! Luckily we still have some time and I hear our DCs will change a lot between now and then 😀 Hopefully the answers will become clear.

OP posts:
RosieRiveting · 06/03/2023 23:55

State schools are just as likely to have lots of well spoken middle class kids in, it's not going to just be your daughter and then everyone else is from a council estate.

They also can be very good with SEN, that's something to check out in advance. State schools have to deal with it way more often than private. The ones I viewed had nurture groups, a pastoral team ready to look after students, and an interest in getting the best from all kids.

Go look at some schools when they start having open days again in September and ask questions. They might surprise you.

user1477391263 · 07/03/2023 00:03

OP, it sounds like you are in a bit of a private schools bubble. Can you join some local groups and get talking to people? You will get information and (probably) reassurance about the local state schools that way.

Not spending money on school fees will free up some money to get your daughter into some interests outside school - a club or hobby that interests here and where she will meet some similar girls - as opposed to the private school experience where extra curriculars are more likely to be on site and involving the same set of school peers.

Given the VAT threat and inflation, she won't be the only child there who went to a private school and has now had to change to state.

Ilovechoc12 · 07/03/2023 04:54

How much sen does she have? Has she an EHCP? If she needs one you could fight to get the independent the named school.

If she doesn't need a EHCP and your struggling for cash I'd pull her from the private school next term - these 11 plus places go 50:50 state vs independent so it sometimes seems to be easier to get a "state" school independent place at 11 plus compared to the highly over tutored independent place ..... then she might have some friends to go into secondary if the independent sector isn't financially viable. Plus you would have £20k or more in your bank. Plus you could get in a tutor if you needed it for the 11 plus

Jackofallsorts · 07/03/2023 05:07

Your child is in Year4 so she is 7/8?

She's a very young child yet has been classed as SEN. She's in therapy. Has been labelled with anxiety and ADHD. You're talking about "sheltering" her.

Your paying what I assume is a considerable amount for her to attend a private prep school. It seems to be a financial struggle.You have considerable anxiety over her secondary education which is at least 2 years away.

There seems to be a lot more going on here than just usual state vs public school decisions.

Decisions23 · 07/03/2023 07:10

@kak808 definitely go to
open days at both Indy and state and also take your child. I took my daughter to look round two state schools because I wanted her to see all options. They were both large and co-Ed, she is desperate for single sex and didn’t like either at all even though I thought they would give her a wider social pool to find her tribe so to speak.

I was so impressed with both the schools and the open day subject taster rooms, friendly staff, but I could tell our daughter felt uncomfortable with the relative chaos, size, noise, raucous boys. Nothing inspired her, even when she saw a couple of children from her current school attending the open day too.

We’ve opted for a mid-size Indy single sex.