Going from independent prep to state secondary

[kak808]

My DD is in Y4, so I’m a bit early to be thinking about this, but secondary school is fast approaching. We’re currently paying for prep but I don’t see us being able to afford this at the secondary level unless our financial situation improves considerably.

My DD has a lot of social anxiety and really struggles making friends. She is not someone who can cope with bullying and is SEN. I just worry about sending her to a comprehensive after her sheltered prep experience (very small school) and if she’ll deal with the change ok. I just envision her being referred to as “posh tw*t” every day a la Will from Inbetweeners 😭

Also, if we were to make the move to state and then it just really didn’t work out well would we basically lose the opportunity to get into an independent secondary or would her 11+ schools (assuming we still had her do them) kind of carry over if we were looking to make a change?

Unfortunately we’re unlikely to get into the one state comp (all-girls) that looks pretty good to me and I don’t hear great things about our closer (co-ed) schools.

Anyone been through similar and have advice?

@nearlylovemyusername

my first hand experience with private is that yes, they are super tough on bullying and actions taken literally the very same moment they learn about it.

The very same way in state schools. Children get suspension for bullying. Furthermore, the state schools far more easily exclude perpetual bullies whereas you will not hear that from private schools because parents of the bullies are also paying clients. Private is a businesses and what they do is just waffle how they immediately react. A private school have far more to loose if the situation will become subject to the parental discussions. Marketing matters at private and teaching parents few mantras such us: zero bullying policy etc. And parents play that game having zero insight in exclusion data.

We must be living on different planets. Read some threads about bullying in state schools on MN and how easy (not) it is to exclude from state school.

Possibly different planet. 😃Here on my planet there are zero bullying tolerance policy in state schools and in private marketing rules ( said a markeeter sitg 30 yrs of experience)-" no, no... we have hardly any instances of bullying. And things are dealt quickly and effectively" 👈😹

God our experience is directly opposite. Bullying unchecked in private, esp if at the hands of a child who's parents have £££. State has much less flexibility and have to apply their policies strictly. Obviously doesn't happen everywhere but it is quite surprising you think private has less bullying.

I’m the OP and since this thread is about 1.5 years old, I thought I’d update for anyone interested. We ended up pulling DD out of prep at the end of Y4, as it was just no longer financially feasible to keep her in. She was in state school for all of Y5 and has just started Y6.

There have generally been some issues with bullying at the new school, but they’ve been dealt with rather swiftly, with the two most serious offenders (violent) being permanently excluded.

DD now has a much broader range of friends. Our old school was middle class and up, whereas this one is largely low income, with the remainder middle class, as well as a handful of high flyers. She has many more friends at her new school, which I think is just mainly down to luck with the crowd.

I am very glad we moved her when we did, as I suspect waiting until secondary would have been more of a shock, but I’m sure it still would’ve worked out ok in the end.

@kak808 so glad to hear things are working out for you - and now we know the VAT on school fees is happening it must be a relief for you k owing it won’t impact.
I commented on your 1.5yr old post about my son who is AuDHD and had been turned down by the small, nurturing private schools we had approached in hope of smaller class sizes for him for secondary. He is now starting year 8 in a large mainstream state secondary having successfully navigated year 7. We lucked out in the end - the school we wanted him to go to (our closest and the ‘brother’ school to the one his sisters do to) is very oversubscribed so we ended up in our 4th preference with no one from his 3-form primary. But they are a fantastic school who have kids from less well-off families and some with lots of needs, so they are really geared up for supporting their students.
My son is allowed to flexischool so he spends one day a week at home doing extra curricular activities and his Head of Year has spent a good chunk of her working day juggling his year 8 timetable about so that he can do it again this year. The teachers are so supportive and kind and my son is excelling in maths and science whilst holding his own in the other subjects. They allow him to miss a few subjects that he struggles with and won’t be taking for GCSE (art, DT, food tech, RS) allowing him to do more coding out of school.

The experience with my son has shown me just how great our state schools are (some of them anyway!). My daughters go to a great school too but it is one of those oversubscribed schools that lots of parents want their girls to go to so I had sort of taken it for granted that it would be good.

I hope you have a similarly positive experience at secondary OP.

Thanks for the update and I’m glad your dd is doing well.

My children all went to state grammar school - one of the reasons we live where we live. Better teaching and exam results by far than the local private schools and plenty of posh kids with ski places in Switzerland etc. Equally kids in a far less comfy position. I sometimes regret my children not having that private school "swish" then I remember how fabulous my four are anyway.

Yes, bullying exists everywhere, but there's bullying and there's BULLYING...like the stupid kid trying to break my leg at an inner city comp years ago. Private and Grammar will, rightly or wrongly, insulate (to some extent) kids.

Best option (imo) would be save every penny you can to stay in the private sector. State's fine if your the average child, but anyone who's an outlier can become a target.

I actually think state is best if you're an outlier for SEN reasons. The level of support kids with EHCP level SEN get in a good state is unmatched by any mainstream or special private school I've seen. There are some good private special schools but those are few and far between as most of them are now owned by investment firms who have banked on the EHCP funding system and don't give the kids anywhere near the level of support they'd get in a state mainstream or special school.

I think private is ideal for kids with mild SEN, those who travel a lot, those who are very very wealthy and would be picked on for that in a state. Obviously so much depends on your local state school offer and there's many crap ones, there's also many crap private ones where very smart kids will get bullied for trying too hard etc.
But if I had a very clever child and a good local school I wouldn't be wasting my money on private unless it was a drop in the ocean.

@pocketpairs I think anecdotal examples of bullying can't really be applies to all comps. The % of grammar schools and private schools is so small compared to % of overall comps so obv comps will have a larger range of experiences. That's just statistics.

Sadly this type of bullying exists everywhere and it's usually due to some sort of social care issues at the perpetrators home. Naturally there will be more of those at comps so yes you're right in that grammars and private will have less of that to an extent, but the wealthy are very good at neglect.
You don't hear stories of bullying like this from private schools as it's death with very very differently. In my experience when bullying of this severity happens, state schools deal with it much better. Again, anecdotal but still, I would never ever pay for private thinking it'll save my kid from this type of bullying as unfortunately that's just not the case. Thankfully bullying of that severity is rare.

I have a daughter who was not anxious at 7/8 but developed anxiety in high school and later diagnosed with ADHD. Sheltering makes sense to me! A slow introduction to the real world.
We moved our daughter from a well sought after free grammar school to a private school in yr8 as she needed the smaller class sizes. And yes bullying does happen in private schools too - I think all girls schools are the worst so I would avoid one of those for a kids with ADHD as they tend to miss social ques.

Since you have a bit of time, you are better off asking mumsnetters for recommendations for schools near you - or not too far from you where you can move into catchment in time. My son (also with ADHD) goes to a lovely nurturing well sought after free grammar school. I think if my daughter had of gone to this school she would not have needed to move schools for her mental health - unfortunately she chose a large all girls grammar.

I don't think many private schools are that selective these days so I wouldn't worry about getting back in if you took her out.

In fairness bullying is rife in private schools too.

Yeah, this reflects my dc's experience of state school too. No bullying, kind teachers and good levels of attainment sum up their time at school.

I'm sure some dc of mnetters are lumbered with shitty schools but I'd be amazed if any are in a catchment area with neighbours who have enough disposable income to send their kids private.

Might be worth reading all the OPs posts before offering advice. They have moved to state primary and the child is doing very well.