To change daughters school in year 9?

[Handoverthechocollate]

DD just started year 9 and attends a girls grammar school and is doing very well academically. She has a nice group of friends and has only had one big friendship falling out in year 8 where she then had to make a new set of friends (which she did with ease). Her brother has ASD and I strongly suspect that she is neurodiverse, but she masks well and probably will not meet the criteria for a diagnosis. She does have some anxiety, finds it hard to make eye contact, is shy etc.
From the time she went to the GS she realised her mistake and has hated it. She tried extra curricular sport and music and loves her friends, but hates the atmosphere, the ethos of the school and the pressure from her anxious friends and teachers. She is so unhappy that I sometimes hear her crying in her room before a new school term. Daily she says she hates it so much before and after a school day.
In May - when she was in year 8 - I put her name down for a school a bit further away which is a church school and has great pastoral care, a better ethnic/cultural mix (my daughter is black/white mixed race and hardly any of the current school cohort are the same). A space has come up and they have offered it to her to move at half term. Logistically the school is further away from home, but closer to her brother´s school, so the school run would still work.
We visited their Open Evening last night and she liked it, but she is in more turmoil as to what to do (she finds it hard to make decisions!)
I don´t want to force her to change, in case it goes wrong and she blames me!
Any wise words from anyone who has done this move? My concern is that she will not like ANY school because of hidden neurodiversity.....WWYD?

I forgot to add
YABU - leave her where she is and find coping strategies
YANBU - move her to the comp

Ask if she can go for a day or two to try it. Explain she and you are keen for her to move, it wouldn't be good for you or the school if she moves and hates it so. I know people who have moved and done the same, it has always been the best decision in the end.

Thanks. We did ask if she can do a trial day @Bbqchicken but they said they can´t do that unfortunately. My gut says its right to move, but we´re both understandably nervous!

It's hard (understatement) but you are the grown up and you need to be the one to take this decision and to be prepared to be "blamed".

To me it's a no- brainer- she's deeply unhappy, move her. If it turns out she's not "school shaped" then you'll need to think again but that will have tried alternative to the gs she hates so much. Or - if you know deep down this is never going to work - then maybe it's time to seriously look at other options.

It's normal to be nervous, if she is deeply unhappy at the current school it doesnt seem like you have a lot to loose anyway. I'd go for it if you are both happy to do it, she will likely be quite popular as she will be the new kid in the class. There's bound to be a friendship group with simular interests she can slot into as well

Move her. She is crying everyday and that hasn't changed in over a year. It won't suddenly get better with coping strategies

Get her diagnosed so she can understand her behaviour and why she reacts differently to other people.

Move her so she can at least have a chance to be happy. Talk to the SENCO at the new school about your concerns.

Masked "girl autism" isn't diet coke autism. Just because you don't see the meltdowns doesn't mean it's not internally damaging to the psyche.

I am going through the same dilemma, but my DD has a recent ASD diagnosis. The SENCOs at her school have said she will find any school anxiety inducing, and I know they are right, but she wants to try a different school. It is so hard to know whether it will be better or worse. And as she is in Yr 9, it feels like our last chance to make a decision. I didn’t know some schools offered a trial though. I will definitely explore that.

Thank you so much for replying @Meatshake. I will look into diagnosis, although I will have to get it done privately ££ and waiting lists are long. My feeling is that any school will induce anxiety, as you say. But if we don´t change we will never know if a change of culture would have helped.

@Mummadeze Which type of school is your DD at, and which type of school do you have in mind? Is your DD unhappy in her school too?

My DD is at a big mixed comp which is outstanding but she finds the classes too rowdy and disruptive and the teachers shout a lot. We don’t have many alternative options but am considering an all girls school instead in the hope it might be a bit calmer. She also has one friend at the other school, but no friends in her current school. Main problem with the new one is it is much farther away.

Move her, if it is a mistake then she could move back.

The pressure will ramp up over the next two years so if she is struggling it won't get easier.

She is very unhappy, yes :(

I do tell myself this, @sashh but I know for a fact her grammar school place will be snapped up faster that I could say Jack Robinson! But she could move back for 6th form.....

@Mummadeze yes that is a big dilemma. My DD is sort of missing the boys (coed primary school) to add a bit of light relief to what she sees as the perfectionist girls. The teachers are like lecturers and not particularly nurturing, which I think she needs. The comp we are looking at does seem to have a calm atmosphere - maybe the church ethos - even though they have boys haha!

Time to get my big girl pants on and make a decision in the next week or so.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you and her.

Speak to the gramme school and explain, and ask if they will hold her place for a couple of weeks. One of mine was at a grammar school and moved in year 8 and the grammar offered (without me asking) to hold her place for a month. I was so impressed. She didn't go back though, like your DD it was too competitive.

I would move her. This isn’t just a phase, she sounds really unhappy.

Perfectionist girls aren't likely to improve as they head closer to GCSE years (I have a DD15 at a mixed selective). Years 7 and 8 must have been tough with so little face to face contact especially for some children without the broad friendship groups. Year 9 is always a "step up"/"sort yourself out" year but there ought to be somebody to help with pastoral issues. Do you have a parent/tutor evening soon?

I would sit down with DD and analyse what is good/bad about the current school and talk through what would be different at the new school. It ought to help you come up with a decision and a plan.

If it were my child I would move her in a heartbeat. No child should be in tears every day.

What a difficult decision!!

My DD sounds exactly like your DD and she would absolutely hate a grammar school and I would never make her go, knowing that she’d struggle with the pressure.

Other schools have their own issues of course and you need to weigh up the pros and cons.
And I would try and research this school as much as possible - especially behaviour and bullying.

It sounds like she’s absolutely miserable at this school and the only reason she’s not sure what to do is because she’s worried about the change (like we all would be).

I don’t think the new school could make her feel much worse than how she’s feeling now so I would encourage her to go for it.

My DD is also mixed race at almost all white school.
If I could move her to a more cultural school I would in a heartbeat.

Thanks @Mummadeze I wish you the same. Do let me know how you get on. Have you found a school you like the look of?

I hadn´t thought of that @MysteriousMonkey I don't see why the GS cant hold the place for a few weeks at least. Thanks so much!

Good ideas, @Madcats there have been family issues at home and what with the pandemic it has been a difficult problem to unpick, which is why I have left it so late to do anything about it. It is getting clearer that the school is a problem in itself. Some kids try to spare their parents the worry, which is what she has been doing, and its not good for her.

Actually @Noteverybodylives your comments are really helpful about culture/ethnicity to add to the mix. Its not something that is easy to understand, and frankly it shouldn´t matter. My parents moved my secondary school when I was in year 10 because of a house move - and being around people that looked like me changed my outlook on life for the better.

Move her.
My own mother was the same.
(Even back then.)
In 1950 my mum went to high / grammar school - hated it.
She had some time off with a serious operation. Because of that she got behind with her school work and had to drop back to the then local secondary modern.
She loved it.
When it came to me I was talked out of going (maybe a mistake in my case as we are very different)

I agree with this. It's not fair to leave all the decision making on her shoulders. Also speak to the grammar school and see if there's an option for her to return if things don't work out. My parents let me choose school at a similar age and it's so much pressure.

I would gently encourage the new school with hopefully the reassurance that she can return to old school after this academic year if it's not working out.

Is she at Woodford county but you've been offered Davenant? If so, Davenant is not that great at Special Needs. It's also fairly high pressure. If it's not that school then fine! Just fit your profile! Feel free to pm me if it is. I have a friend with children at both schools.