To change daughters school in year 9?

[Handoverthechocollate]

DD just started year 9 and attends a girls grammar school and is doing very well academically. She has a nice group of friends and has only had one big friendship falling out in year 8 where she then had to make a new set of friends (which she did with ease). Her brother has ASD and I strongly suspect that she is neurodiverse, but she masks well and probably will not meet the criteria for a diagnosis. She does have some anxiety, finds it hard to make eye contact, is shy etc.
From the time she went to the GS she realised her mistake and has hated it. She tried extra curricular sport and music and loves her friends, but hates the atmosphere, the ethos of the school and the pressure from her anxious friends and teachers. She is so unhappy that I sometimes hear her crying in her room before a new school term. Daily she says she hates it so much before and after a school day.
In May - when she was in year 8 - I put her name down for a school a bit further away which is a church school and has great pastoral care, a better ethnic/cultural mix (my daughter is black/white mixed race and hardly any of the current school cohort are the same). A space has come up and they have offered it to her to move at half term. Logistically the school is further away from home, but closer to her brother´s school, so the school run would still work.
We visited their Open Evening last night and she liked it, but she is in more turmoil as to what to do (she finds it hard to make decisions!)
I don´t want to force her to change, in case it goes wrong and she blames me!
Any wise words from anyone who has done this move? My concern is that she will not like ANY school because of hidden neurodiversity.....WWYD?

I don't think schools can leave a space open. They need to get funding from being 'full' so they'll lose one child's funding if she goes elsewhere and they don't fill the space.

Another poster has posted about a school holding a place, so not sure this speculation is very helpful!

Quick update to say we made the leap!

DD started new school after half term. True, the school was v disorganised (e.g. she turned up for the 1st day and no one expected her, showed her around nor gave her a timetable so she was lost for 3 days). However, the students were friendly, she is coming out of school with a smile on her face and she is so much less tired when she comes home. She can actually talk to us and dance around the kitchen like she used to. She also told me she wished I had moved her at the end of year 7 to this school! (that wasn´t an option at the time) So we are pleased after only 2 weeks. All the admin has been sorted out now.

Plus, I put her on the waiting list for an ASD assessment (July 2023 😩) and spoke to the SENCo about my ND concerns. Straight away her teachers have been informed, she was given a buddy and put on a school plan. Happy days so far....

Oh that is lovely news.

I always worry when I hear about kids being tutored extensively. In some schools that can be quite a lot of the class.

It's horrid to feel behind and equally hard to have stressed out peers around you (even if you aren't stressed yourself).

Thanks, @Madcats. You´re right about the stressed friends. Its unfair to be telling the pupils in year 9 to start working hard, when these girls are already busting a gut as perfectionists. So many of them carried on with tutoring all through years 7 and 8 - ridiculous! Hopefully DD will continue to be happy and thrive in the mixed environment. She has got a sleepover next weekend with her old friends to catch up on all the gossip 😁

This!

I know several (neurotypical) people who hated grammar school, it doesn’t suit all children. And being mixed race in a achool where that’s rare isn’t comfortable either. Just move her! If if doesn’t work out, you can think again.

The problem is that she may still find it difficult to cope with any school.
So she may move to the new school and still have issues.
Not sure if the grammar school would be willing to hold her place.

Just read the update op
Great news

Forget about holding places, for the record, another girl was in her GS place within 5 days!! 😂

The reduction in fatigue tells me this is going to turn out to be the right move - she's clearly having to work a lot less hard just to cope. Getting support the moment you mention to the school that you suspect ASD and are looking for a diagnosis says a lot about the school and all of it good. Well done, OP.

It was not an easy decision, but what you say @pointythings makes me feel great about it. Thanks so much for the support on here.

Oh that sounds fantastic, good luck to your DD.

@Handoverthechocollate I wanted to say I think you have done the right thing.
My daughter was a scholar at a well known boarding school in Yr 9. It don't suit her. She is mixed heritage too.
The pressure was too much and she left with SEMH. We let her chose her next school. It was rated 'needs improvement'. It saved her. They got her (intelligent but geeky and non conformist) . No one batted an eyelid. Sadly it only went to 16 so we had to move her again to a sixth form in large town. It had 42 nationalities. She is in contact with many friends reading challenging degrees at university. I wish I had sent my dd to her first choice, she was offered and I turned it down. I thought she would be bored. This school saved her and I will always be grateful. Schools are more than then their ofstead rating. SEN provision often costs a school its top rating but my experience working with a schools charity has shown me that often 'outstanding' schools actively discourage SEN students. Go with kindness. Good luck to your daughter. Mine is off to university (science/ medical) after Christmas.

I’d move her in a heartbeat. She’s known from day 1 and it’s been over 2 years now and she feels no different.

I’d also tell her that I was making the decision for her. Too much for her to have on her little shoulders. I don’t want this to sound harsh but it’s your job as her parent to make the tough decisions for her without fear of being blamed in the future.

Thank you so much! this is so encouraging. Best wishes to you as well.😘

@Handoverthechocollate you are welcome. It was interesting to see that my daughter wouldn't consider a university with few BAME students. She has chosen a small uni with 30%+ ethnic mix.
London would have worked for the above but too big to meet her needs. Conversely her older brother doesn't see things the same. Her works in a white dominated profession. Stronger character and very self assured.

I know you've done it now.

And I'm glad.

I have an autistic ds. Whenever decisions like this come to the point of being made - not just thought processes - I always remind myself how we came to the thought process in the first place. Iyswim?

Always reminds me that I wouldn't have been considering a change if anything was great and even if the change doesn't turn out for the best it's unlikely you are making things worse.

Oh, so many similarities here!

I moved my DD in Year 8 for different reasons (bullying) but to a school that also had a much better ethos - good pastoral care, strong academically but not as pushy as her previous school.

My DD is bright, her older brother has ASC and I suspect DD has ADHD, but she masks and is very bright and compliant at school, so I doubt she’d get a diagnosis without a fight I don’t currently have in me.

She is also mixed race (black Caribbean/white Irish) and her new school is also more ethnically diverse, or to be specific, there are many more black and mixed race children (old school was diverse, but not many black/mixed kids). I cannot tell you what it has done for her sense of identity and belonging. She has a group of mainly black and mixed girlfriends now, and it is a beautiful thing to see ger embracing herself so much more. I always recognised it was important, but never knew how crucial it actually was to a sensitive teenage girl.

I was also very nervous about the move, and I don’t think you can go into a school move thinking it will solve every issue and your DD will love everything all the time, but if the school is overall a better fit for her, it can only be a generally positive move. Move quickly, though, before GCSEs start!

Just seen you did it! So pleased for your DD 🥰

@FrontDoor the belonging for my daughter was an offer to do her hair. I am white, my husband black Caribbean heritage. Our parents are long gone. I can't do her hair! A group of 4 black sixth formers said hello when she went on a looksee. They are all at different universities now but meet in the holidays. We live in a white market town and she has hated it. It matters to her and she has been happy in these new groups.

GS are frequently hopeless with ASD diagnoses, particularly in girls. We made the move in Y10 and it was too late. Far too much psychological damage had been done. Please move her and get an EHCP sorted out before they develop a phobia about school and can't go at all. I'll probably get accused of being a snowflake parent but seriously, if you're already looking, you know your answer. My biggest regret is sending mine to GS and then not doing something about it in Y8.

@pollymere , if you read the whole thread the OP did move her in oct 1/2 term.

I’m glad the move went well. Your daughter will do better in a school she likes and if she has friends there. Being a cat in a school full of dogs is tough.

Move her. Decent comps are awesome

Oops. Didn't realise You did it. Brilliant