Playing "private school" sports: Should I take this up with school or am I being precious?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

DD has just recently started YR 7 in a private girls' school having come from a local state primary.

The school has a feeder prep and roughly one third of the senior school girls come from the prep. Around half of the intake have come from the state system and the school makes a very big deal about being inclusive towards those who haven't been in the prep system and preventing cliques and "prep vs state" behaviour particularly in the early years. In particular they actively encourage those girls who didn't do sports of the sort you associate with private schools, such as hockey and lacrosse at primary, to take them up in YR 7 and there are "catch up" classes etc.

My DD has just started doing hockey, having done a couple of taster classes at her primary and enjoyed it. She likes it but obviously is not at the level of those children who were doing it at prep.

She came home yesterday upset because two girls who had come from the prep were picking on her and saying non prep girls are rubbish at sports and should be in the "remedial" class. From what I could gather it stopped short of bullying and the girls later apologised to her but it left a bad taste in DD's mouth. I was seething and my inclination was to contact the school and tell them, not the girls names but tell them it was an issue despite their best efforts. My DD has asked me not to because she thinks it will have negative ramifications for her.

If it were a major league public school I'd be inclined to chalk it up to just one of those learning moments but the school goes out of its way to stamp down on that kind of thing and I'm damned if I'm having my DD put off something she wants to do by some snobby girls. Should I flag this to the PE staff or head of year or should I just let it go?

That's a difficult one. I'd be tempted to flag it to the head of PE but make it v clear that you don't want your DD identified so that its just as an FYI only thing. I think its useful to flag it is so important to keep girls in sport, and this is exactly the sort of thing that could put some girls off.

Tell the school. They need to note it. If it keeps happening it will be bullying. The staff will be horrified at this snobbery from the pupils.

Please tell the school.

To add if they are reliant on income from primary educated state school children they will act on this

Thanks all. I have to say my strong instinct was to say something but DD is adamant that she doesn't want to be seen as a a "snitch". I won't disclose the girls' identities and make it seem like a systemic thing as opposed to a few individuals.

I would say nothing for now, they realised that they had overstepped the mark and apologised, if it happens again then I would have no hesitation in speaking to the school on a FYI basis.

The fact that these girls were grown up enough to apologised, you should leave it for now. Obviously if it continues, it's bullying and yes you will be right to intervene. But your daughter is right, if mummy goes complaining to the school after one incident that the kids sorted themselves, she will be the one to suffer.
Why not encourage your daughter to get these more experienced girls to give her tips on how to be a better player? That way she will forge friendships and learn new skills.

If you tell the school but not specifics, the school may have a bit of an all rounder chat with everyone about patience and kindness etc. I think the school should know the procedures they’re following are still leading to these types of comments. Then if it happens again it will be on record.

Definitely raise it, but make it clear that it's more "for information" rather than expecting any particular action to be taken. As a teacher, I always want the fullest picture possible of a year group, and inevitably staff don't hear everything that goes on.

By the by- I'm jealous that you've found a school that offers both hockey and lacrosse!

The girls apologised. Your DD handled it well on her own. Leave it for now. Don’t undermine your DD.

If your daughter has asked you not to tell the school, then I wouldn’t. She will stop telling you about things if you complain to the school each time. Obviously, there may be occasions when you really have to tell the school about something, but this is definitely not one of them. She has told you because she wants sympathy, not because she wants you to solve it.

Definitely raise it with the school. IMO private schools deal with this better than state. They really don’t like bullying behaviour. I’m sure you won’t be the only parent to raise it.

saying non prep girls are rubbish at sports and should be in the "remedial" class. From what I could gather it stopped short of bullying This is clearly bullying, why are you saying it 'stopped short'?

Private schools are well known for status/money-based bullying, some parents can be snobs and it it rubs off on their kids.

If I were you I would move to a decent state school, but the other course is to explain to the school that this type of bullying is likely to damage their business as it will restrict the number of people who feel welcome in the school.

I'd say the opposite, but they are all different. Trouble is private schools don't like to offend any parents, you don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Welcome to high school!
My son has gone from state to primary, and honestly there have been no problems with integration with the prep school kids. There is the issue that the prep kids get in the teams and stuff, but we have kept with his outside clubs which has given him a different set of friends to school.

At high school you have 2 options. Either speak to school OR realise it's time for you to support your child in dealing with theses bullies. Of course it shouldn't be happening, but I'm coming to realise that the next biggest purpose of secondary school is your child has to face the reality that there are these kinds of people in life wherever you go and you need to manage and deal with the situation. ie you really love hockey, and those people shouldn't be stopping you enjoy it. So encourage her to speak to the pastoral teacher - my son is learning that if he sends an email with me copied in, things get dealt with. Or confronting them and rolling his sleeves up and getting a bit nasty ' here we go again Jake, you've picked me to practice being a dick on today, let me know when you want to move on '

Support your daughter to deal with the situation, or manage it and you will set her up for life.

@DobbyTheHouseElk based on what evidence 😂. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

Welcome to the air of superiority that privately educated kids have 🤷‍♀️. It’s ingrained I’m afraid and it won’t be the last time it happens. My DC play a very “public school” sport and come across this when they play a public school team. They have learnt to ignore it - especially when they beat them 😄.

If you raise it, please don't overlook mentioning that the girls taunting your daughter later apologised. That is also a reflection of them.

My DC play hockey at state school in Yorkshire, so did I 35 years ago in London. I didn't realise it wasn't a standard state school sport.

We would really want to know if this were happening in our school and would keep it anonymous if you requested. Never heard of this happening in y7- even those coming from prep haven't all had the same experiences or indeed aptitude- so sorry this has been said to your DD

Maybe teach her how to stand up for herself. If she can, she could try saying very calmly, 'That's not true. You're better - for now - because you've had more practise. We'll soon catch up.'

If she wants to be bitchy she could try, 'But they didn't teach you manners or kindness at your prep school?'

And instead of feeling these comments are a reflection on her, teach her they are a reflection on the other girl. Tell her whenever someone speaks to her like this, to make a mental note: unopleasant person. I won;t bother making an effort to be their friend.

Some people will stay snobbish or be bullies all their lives. Some are sjust ignorant or insecure. She'll find out which. But she needs to learn she is judging them for their behaviour as well as them judging her for her background. It works both ways. The power is also hers. With half the school from state, she is bound to find good friends who aren't snobs.

I’d flag it without mentioning names, as this is the first incident.

I like @declutteringmymind addition re. their DS sending the email and parent is cc’d. Obviously not a option for your DD right now.

You’ll need to support your DD of course, but you also need to show them how they can deal with people like this themselves.

It’s also good to establish a flow of communication with Secondary School Teachers if you can, as there are not the same opportunities to have a chat like there is at Primary level.

I rang my DD’s new State Academy School to query part of the PE uniform. I hadn’t bought it yet, as I wasn’t sure if DD would need it. DD was worried she’d get detention if she did not have the item by the following week. The Head of PE rang me back. All was explained and we also discussed the Athletics Club that DD attends outside of school. Head of PE asked me to send them the club details so the school could promote the club to other students. I ordered the item which was meant to be delivered in good time. Delivery was delayed so I emailed the Head of PE to keep them informed. They said not to worry about detention; a lot of students are also still waiting for their orders to arrive. A couple of weeks ago, DD was chosen to represent the school in a Borough Cross Country Run. Last week, Head of PE suggested that DD attend another after school sports club on alternate weeks, as it clashes with another sports club that DD already attends. DD really enjoyed the new club.

I'd leave it for now. If it comes up again, you can speak to school but at that age, kids speak a lot of rubbish.

It goes the other way too. My son is decent at sport and some of the kids at his prep school constantly put him down, said he didn't deserve to make the county and regional teams, others were better than him etc. They were particularly unpleasant on the group WhatsApp chat when he was given a sports scholarship for the school most of them were going to.

After three years or so of it, I went in to the prep school as I was annoyed that his room mates had been tipping everything out of his suitcase and various other things on a school ski trip so he was trying to stay out of the room for as long as possible. The response from school was that they were jealous (as if that made it acceptable) and it made no difference.

My advice would be to tell your daughter to either make a joke of it so they don't have the satisfaction of getting a rise out of her or ignore it. It's hard as a parent but secondary school is a different kettle of fish and the kids have to learn to get on with it. She'll find her group of friends I'm sure and won't be so bothered by stupid comments.

I work in a similar sounding school and we would DEFINITELY want to know this. We can’t deal with stuff we don’t know about with.

My DC play hockey at state school in Yorkshire, so did I 35 years ago in London. I didn't realise it wasn't a standard state school sport

I think it is in secondary school but I don’t think many state primaries play hockey whereas a number of the prep schools do.

They must have realised that they crossed the line if they apologised.

I would respect your DD's wishes and not do anything for now on the basis that she is more likely to come and confide in you if it happens again or if anything more serious happens. But I'd definitely be keeping a close eye and going to speak to the school if there were any more incidents or if this seemed like a pattern of behaviour.

I’m quite surprised tbh. My dc have been in private since reception and quite honestly have no concept of state and private! Even my y6! She wouldn’t have a clue which schools were private and which weren’t. She only realised this year that I paid for her school! When new girls join I occasionally ask her “oh where did so and so come from?” And her stock response is “I dunno.
Shes got such a nice pencil case/lip balm/hair bobble”
So Im quite surprised that a bunch of 11 year olds know and care who has been to a non fee paying school previously. It’s quite sad really.