Playing "private school" sports: Should I take this up with school or am I being precious?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

DD has just recently started YR 7 in a private girls' school having come from a local state primary.

The school has a feeder prep and roughly one third of the senior school girls come from the prep. Around half of the intake have come from the state system and the school makes a very big deal about being inclusive towards those who haven't been in the prep system and preventing cliques and "prep vs state" behaviour particularly in the early years. In particular they actively encourage those girls who didn't do sports of the sort you associate with private schools, such as hockey and lacrosse at primary, to take them up in YR 7 and there are "catch up" classes etc.

My DD has just started doing hockey, having done a couple of taster classes at her primary and enjoyed it. She likes it but obviously is not at the level of those children who were doing it at prep.

She came home yesterday upset because two girls who had come from the prep were picking on her and saying non prep girls are rubbish at sports and should be in the "remedial" class. From what I could gather it stopped short of bullying and the girls later apologised to her but it left a bad taste in DD's mouth. I was seething and my inclination was to contact the school and tell them, not the girls names but tell them it was an issue despite their best efforts. My DD has asked me not to because she thinks it will have negative ramifications for her.

If it were a major league public school I'd be inclined to chalk it up to just one of those learning moments but the school goes out of its way to stamp down on that kind of thing and I'm damned if I'm having my DD put off something she wants to do by some snobby girls. Should I flag this to the PE staff or head of year or should I just let it go?

Is that fair?

You don't know that it's a systemic thing. You need to say that you realise it might just be individuals who misspoke (likely as they spontaneously apologised) but would they please be alert to ensure it's not a systemic issue.

Most preps don't do lacrosse, and not all do hockey, so if this is about the experience gap for sports, then it doesn't map exactly to previous school.

Would you have the same reaction if it had been two netballers who played in a club talking about those with only school experience?

You could also use this as a bonding moment which will become few and far between now she's at High School, get yourself to Sports Direct or Decathlon and pick up a couple of cheap hockey sticks and balls and get to the local park. DD can teach you - which will build her confidence, and she'll get to practise which will improve her skills

If your daughter asked you not to say anything I wouldn't. It may break her trust and mean that she won't tell you if it continues.

I’d see if this is an isolated incident or not.

I doubt any preps do lacrosse. On the hockey side at that age many of them will have been doing hockey in clubs outside school for years, more than actually playing that much at prep school. They’re also packed with state school kids who are making the move to private, or indeed aren’t going private at all.

I think it is in secondary school but I don’t think many state primaries play hockey whereas a number of the prep schools do.

One of the national papers did an investigation of the equality in GB level sport. Surprisingly, hockey was above rugby for the proportion of privately educated GB players.

It's moved on from my day when you played on grass and simply converted the pitches from football and rugby to hockey for a term. Installing an astro pitch is expensive, needs space plus paying for the ongoing costs such as the watering system for water based pitches. I guess that makes it difficult for some state schools.

And even if you have an astro, that can only be used for one team or year group at a time. We have two astro pitches at school but could do with a third.

That said, my kids are in hockey performance schemes and there's a good proportion of players from state schools, often who've played a lot of club hockey. Hockey is growing in popularity for both boys and girls so there's usually plenty of local hockey clubs who are keen to have new players and run a performance and development team to cater for different standards.

My experience. I’ve used both state and private.

DD is adamant that she doesn't want to be seen as a a "snitch".

DD has the correct approach.

The school's policies appear to have done the job required of them. DD is not being continually bullied.

Don't make her life worse by flagging this up.

Oh god, I remember this 20 years ago. DD went to indie girls from state primary. One of only a handful who hadn't played traditional sports. Her primary did 'games' instead no competitiveness encouraged
Some girls tried 'teasing' but she soon found her feet. At the autumn parents evening I had a conversation praising the staff saying I was sure that such excellent staff would soon have her up to speed 😉 . They did, she got in the team. Maybe ask in conversation how many represent the school from school coaching alone.

Good point.

State schools are well known for bullying kids for being too wealthy or clever, some parents are scum and it rubs off on their kids.

Not true or fair is it?

They sound like a right pair of little b***s. Or they are just parroting what they hear at home. I would tell her to get so good at sport that she wipes the floor with them!

This

🤣 She’ll be bullied much worse at State school. We just moved to private cos DD was bullied at State school for working hard and having aspirations and good manners etc. We can all only rely on our own experience, but mine had been that bullying is a much bigger problem in the State sector.

I've had to deal with a few very similar situations. I emailed the teachers saying that I did not want my child to know I was in contact, and that I was not naming names. Emphasised that i had no expectations for how they dealt with it, just wanted to let them know. In each case it was received very well, my child was oblivious, and the teachers said that really did want to know about this sort of thing.

It would be good to mention it but I don't think I'd trust a PE teacher to deal with such feedback appropriately. We have experience of state and independent and PE teachers are a law unto themselves wherever.

I'd bite your tongue op and sign your dd up at a hockey club to get her up to scratch. I played lacrosse. DD didn't at either of her independent schools. Lacrosse was brilliant. It should be played more.

I'd leave it. They apologised and your daughter has explained clearly she doesn't want you to get involved.

It's very common at a similar school near me.

If DD really, really doesn't want you to talk to someone about this, then hold off.

Having said that, I would ask very gently about the circumstances in which the apology was tendered. I'd be a little suspicious that DD was trying to downplay the incident by mentioning an apology.

Thank her for talking to you about what happened, and hopefully she'll trust you with confidences in the future. You can encourage her to meet snide comments with humour and indifference.

Kids can be ‘problem, posh or not.

I'd add this isn't necessarily about snobbishness. These are still children and to them, they may have simply been making what to them was an obviously true observation (unkind and non-inclusive as it was) without any snobbishness implied.

I really don't think most kids that age would think about schooling background in money terms.

It would be good to mention it but I don't think I'd trust a PE teacher to deal with such feedback appropriately. We have experience of state and independent and PE teachers are a law unto themselves wherever.

I agree @RosesAndHellebores -I'd email the form tutor, who is responsible for overall care, not the PE teachers.

Where do children even hear the word 'remedial' used? My children don't even know that word, it has such horrible connotations.

Some girls in all schools at all times will be nasty to others who aren't very good at a particular sport - this happens in all kinds of schools. At least these girls apologised. Vast numbers of children including plenty of mine 100% privately educated children, can be hopeless at all sports by the way even if in the private school from age 4. Not every child is sporty or any good at sport and my children just tend to own their deficiencies and make a joke of it.

I would listen to your dd and not say anything. The most important thing in this situation is that your daughter confided in you and told you how she was feeling. If you break that trust she just won't tell you next time.

Life is full of challenges like this. Inequity etc. It's not fair but it is life. The kids recognised they were in the wrong, which is something. The school knows it's a problem for then which is why they highlight it .

Your daughter still feels bad about it - that's okay, she should. Give her the time and space to work out that she still wants to keep at hockey despite the haters. Trust her that she won't give up so easily if it's something she really likes.

I know the girls apologised, but to me this does sound like bullying. Although hopefully a lone incident. I would raise it with the school so they are aware, but not in a a way your daughter will be p

Might your daughter like to attend a Saturday out of school hockey group if she is really keen?