Private school if state is not right socially?

[hangryorhungry]

If your child was doing well academically but just 'getting through each day' socially, would you consider moving schools? Y8. Been like this since started in y7 d huge state comprehensive. Not majorly depressed/ crying/ refusal to go.. just generally resigned about the whole experience & counting down the days/ weeks & terms. Spends most break times alone. Finds other kids either 'weird' (uber focused on sexually/ gender-based labelling of themselves) or obsessed with girls and porn!!?! Is this just a phase all boys go through at this age? He's young in year group & not yet hit puberty. The others aren't unkind to him - rather he doesn't feel comfortable around them. I think he's also now got himself reputation and being a loner. There are a couple of boys he likes but due to size and logistics of school (v short breaks, no clubs), often he can't find them at break times. School doing all it can to help but nothing is changing.
Our only other option in the area would be to go private. This would mean me going back to full time work and big change in our day to day lives as well as no holidays etc etc..
what would you do? My concern is we make all the sacrifices to send him private and nothing changes for him... I get it's not a golden ticket to happiness- but if nothing changes at current school I can see his confidence ebbing away and worry it will lead to bigger issues.

I'm a teacher who had a Y8 tutor group (state) last year, and the things some of the boys had seen online (without seeking them out, necessarily) were quite disturbing. They are invited to group chats with older students (usually male) who they know from being on the bus, or from clubs etc outside of school, and then some of these students share photos and gifs from porn, presumably without thinking 12yos in the group will see. It's really worrying (to me at least) and a real problem, I think.

I'm not sure if this would be any better at a private school, it would probably depend on the school. At my previous school we did have a few students move to us when private didn't work out for whatever reason, and in some ways they seemed more mature than their peers in both good and bad ways, it was quite a small private school where they often socialised with older boys.

I'm not saying this is a problem with all boys of this age, but I do think it's increasingly common with large whatsapp group chats etc, unfortunately. And it's very easy to find these images etc on common social media sites like twitter and tumblr. And of course you get influencers like Andrew Tate promoting a really awful attitude towards women.

I think if it were me, I'd visit the private school (if it's a realistic option, include fee increases to cover increased bills etc) and ask if I could meet/chat to students- you may be able to get a sense at to whether your DS would like them.

I know a year is a long time to be lonely for, but if your current school does options in Y9, that can be a time when students find a new group of friends, so it may not be like this for ever.

What other state options? You implied none?
Even a taxi to and from a state school would be considerably cheaper than paying for private maybe?

Wouldn't it be better to have him move form groups so that he can make friends with like minded people?

13 is a decent age to move.

Firstly I would work out the costs - can you really do it? Secondly I would look to see if the options are better - plenty of porn in private schools, but it does sound like a smaller environment does sound like it might be better. Co-Ed is will be best.

Then take him to see them and see what he thinks.

I agree these are formative years and you don’t really want him to be just getting by socially

if private just isn’t possible, then is are there any other states reachable by taxi, or could you encourage clubs as another way to build friendships

Awful dilemma. It must be hard to have children of that age at school right now.

Does the private school have a ‘known’ name? You could start a thread to ask about its culture and general ethos. As a start.

Has your son said what he’d like to find in a school - and do you have any idea whether the private school would suit him?

Year 9 is a good time to move, particularly if it’s a traditional independent senior school. If it’s highly sought after you may already be too late to apply, though covid has created some unusual turbulence, I gather. How soon could you visit the school?

I imagine if moving were an option you’d have considered it?

I’m really confused why you think he’s going to find his tribe at private school?

Why do you think boys at private school will be any different?

I know.. I don't. But I do think long lunch breaks with a variety of clubs will provide structured social interactions to help - even if he doesn't find his tribe, he'll be using the time productively..??

Other states nearby would be the same I think - same size & academically they are inferior. The catchment we're in is great- lots of wealthy families who value education and could opt to go private send their kids to this state school were at.. it is a really good school. My DD is thriving there. I'm just not convinced it's for DS.

I would make the sacrifice personally and would consider moving him a year down if summer baby and late developer as the confidence will help.

I remember a couple of terms when I was at school and the boys were like this, then they seemed to grow out of it and most became actually very nice.
I feel for you OP, you have a difficult decision to make. I’ve know a lot of DC who haven’t found their group until university or when they’ve joined a club.

He's resistant to this for some reason. I think the feeling is the 'groups' have been formed 'they're all the same' & he's not got confidence in the current setting to push himself. Which is why I wonder if a fresh start is needed. We haven't even broached this with him. It's just a consideration at the moment. I guess it feels like an indulgence to pay through the nose & massively shift our family dynamics in order to get him some friends?!! I am torn between thinking it's character building & he should crack on and it's soul destroying and he deserves better.

In my experience private school kids are no more accepting than those at state schools. In fact I know a lot more kids bullied out of private schools than state. And a ‘huge’ school is actually an advantage as there is a bigger pool of kids to find his tribe.

My DS took a couple of years to get going socially in secondary but now at 14 he’s made good friends and is enjoying it. Same with my niece who was small and immature. First couple of years she was a bit of a loner but now she’s really happy.

Not all private schools are the same. The one my Year 8 daughter is at right now is very friendly and nurturing with lots of clubs and very friendly kids. Her previous private school also had nice kids, but the school was very different in ethos and a lot less friendly.

I think this just sounds normal for their age. If he is doing ok academically and not being bullied, I do wonder if there is a lesson to be learned in resilience and school somewhat being a means to an end... focus on extra curriculars where he can find his tribe? It will get better when they all mature a bit.

Agree with this to a degree: And a ‘huge’ school is actually an advantage as there is a bigger pool of kids to find his tribe.
@Remake can I ask how specifically your DS changed the situation and made friends?
I fear my DS is stuck in a low confidence rut. Plus the school day timetable just doesn't seem to have the space/time to cultivate friendships..

I think that a child in your son's situation who is young for his year can find the age difference can become more apparent as they get older. Could he repeat this school year even if he had to change schools?
Could he change to another form in his current school?
You can be lucky or unlucky with the group he is currently with. He has just been unlucky that he has not found people more like him.
I think moving him to a new form should be something that you should consider because he will meet new people.
Some schools have better breaks and extra circular activities at lunch time or after school than others. What are the other schools like in your area? Is their a good school say a few miles away that he could get to by bus or if you drove him?

One of my friends had a bullying issue with her child in their primary school. She was not keen on the local secondary school due to a number of reasons. She did not want her child moving to secondary with the bullies. She applied and got her child into a good school a few miles away. Both her and her husband takes turns driving to and from the school.
Her child is far happier, has made friend's and has begun to get involved more with school activities.

I know you mentioned sending your son private but you have to go back to work full time due to the costs. Could you get your son involved in something outside school is football ect where he meet lads around his age to make friends with?
I have a look the other schools in your area or even a few miles away and see what they are like. See if the fee paying schools offer any financial help to parents as also.
Once you find this out you can make a decision on what to do next. I think that moving your son into a different from in his school could be a good idea.

Look at any other options, regardless of who funds them.

My ds found the whole teen porn, obsession with girls and aggression unbearable. He withdrew completely and spent his days avoiding the other boys, who he said were horrible. Having overheard a few of them, I could see his point.

Organise taster days at any other schools that are within reach. Then ask your ds which he likes best.

Mine now goes to a small independent, not fashionable but academically strong, with more pastoral supervision and much less tolerance of sexism,. Plus they aren't allowed phones on school grounds, so no porn. DS is much happier.

Potentially being the ‘poor kid’ is not going to help socially at a private school if you can’t keep up with financial expectations about kit/clothes/trips/holidays etc. Depends on the school though.

Would something like Scouts help?

He wouldn't be the poor kid!! We could manage the financials if I went back to work rather than faff around all day & we stopped swanning off on ridiculously extravagant holidays 🤣

Glad my DS isn't the only one & that yours is happier now

Hi OP, we opted to go private. One of our DSs struggles socially, which all of the private schools he's been at have supported with. You could go on a tour of the school, chat to the leadership team to find out what they could do to support your DS, then if you're happy with what you've heard, your DS could do a taster day. None of this costs anything and that way your DS could experience it for himself, let you know if he likes it and then go from there.

Someone I knows DS went to a private school on a scholarship, it was very sports orientated which a lot of private school are, he never made any friends. I think a school can make a difference but being private wont especially make the difference.

My friend works for an educational charity that does residential trips. She said 25 years ago you may have got one transgender kid a year now about 30% of children declare something. I don’t think changing schools will escape this. My DS hung out with the other sporty kids at school and was in the cricket and cross country running teams and also represented the school in triple jump and was also in chess club. What does your DS actually like?

My DS didn't really find his feet socially until Year 9, when they split into different groups for GCSE options and he met some more people.
He sounds like your DS tbh - he wasn't really unhappy at school, there were some people he hung about with (mainly just to have someone to hang about with rather than being active friends) just wasn't really happy either. his school also has short breaks.
I personally wouldn't move schools if it's only for the social aspect - as no guarantees it would fix the problem. Are there no after school clubs he could join, just to give him a slightly different focus? Is he brave enough to suggest meeting up after school with a couple of the people he quite likes? (Class chat?)

I don’t think private school would necessarily be any different. I would instead focus my energies on helping him to find an extra-curricular activity or hobby outside of school where he can find like-minded people and get the social contact he isn’t getting at school. What does he like? What is he good at? If it then turns out that community all happen to go to the private then sure, consider moving him, but I think you need to help him build up his confidence first.