Private school if state is not right socially?

[hangryorhungry]

If your child was doing well academically but just 'getting through each day' socially, would you consider moving schools? Y8. Been like this since started in y7 d huge state comprehensive. Not majorly depressed/ crying/ refusal to go.. just generally resigned about the whole experience & counting down the days/ weeks & terms. Spends most break times alone. Finds other kids either 'weird' (uber focused on sexually/ gender-based labelling of themselves) or obsessed with girls and porn!!?! Is this just a phase all boys go through at this age? He's young in year group & not yet hit puberty. The others aren't unkind to him - rather he doesn't feel comfortable around them. I think he's also now got himself reputation and being a loner. There are a couple of boys he likes but due to size and logistics of school (v short breaks, no clubs), often he can't find them at break times. School doing all it can to help but nothing is changing.
Our only other option in the area would be to go private. This would mean me going back to full time work and big change in our day to day lives as well as no holidays etc etc..
what would you do? My concern is we make all the sacrifices to send him private and nothing changes for him... I get it's not a golden ticket to happiness- but if nothing changes at current school I can see his confidence ebbing away and worry it will lead to bigger issues.

The relatively tiny amount of indie schools dominate all the top professions , they have a huge part in social mobility! True a lot of that comes from family connections etc , but a 100% scholarship at Westminster, opens door for any boy wherever he comes from.

It’s also nonsense to talk about bursaries allow poorer families to attend private schools. On another thread there’s a middle class poster complaining how they’d have to sell assets to send their DS to public school despite being offered a 50% bursary. These aren’t poor families by any metric!

Agree they shouldn’t be banned , owning any luxury item shouldn’t be banned , but I wouldn’t argue they are somehow fair or justified . That’s just nonsense .

This is off piste for the OP, so I’ll end here.

I'm the OP & am completely confused with where this thread has gone! Anyway, update.. we moved him to a small independent. I work FT to fund it. He's loving it so far - says the boys there all appreciate learning & are respectful of each other & the teachers. Maybe he had an odd year group/ class in the state school but can't help but feel sad he's had to move to private to get the experience he needs from school. It was never our intention and always been so pro state education. Very very thankful we are in a situation to make the alternative an option for him & quite aware many/most aren't.

I didn’t say they were ‘fair’ @ilikehoney - I merely indicated that equal unfairness exists throughout society, and most of the other ways don’t have routes in for the not rich.

You said It’s also nonsense to talk about bursaries allow poorer families to attend private schools. Well, no - it certainly hasn’t been ‘nonsense’ for my family. I hope I’m allowed to offer personal experience without being told it didn’t happen?

Yep. We had a child at a rough local school where he didn’t fit in with the rough locals and became sad and lonely.

Moved him to a private school and it turns out that is where all the polite, musical, well behaved boys were hiding. Am gutted to have to spend the ££££££ when he’s entitled to a free education, but he is so happy to fit in and have ‘found his people’.

Look carefully at the schools local to you and ask around until you find out where your type of people are, then try some taster days.

(And by the way there is far more ethnic and socio-economic diversity at our independent school than there was at the our state primary, where everyone was from the exact same background and had the exact same interests and if you didn’t match them exactly you were ‘weird’.)

@hangryorhungry
You will always find people who think private school gives huge advantages that they don’t like. It’s inevitable. Do what you think is best for Dc and with your money. Be pleased you have a choice.

@TizerorFizz you seem to forget there are many many DC who can achieve highly without the leg-up of private education. My DC all went to state schools and are now in 'elite' professions. We could easily have paid for private education for all of them if we had considered it beneficial but it wouldn't have given them any advantage. They have proved themselves that they didn't need it. There is a real blindspot on Mumsnet in that it is automatically assumed that people don't like the idea of private education because they are envious and it is not a financial option for them. Politics of envy is the current trope. People can hold beliefs that are detached from their own circumstances you know.

We could easily have paid for private education for all of them if we had considered it beneficial but it wouldn't have given them any advantage.

But your children were already advantaged, as the sentence above shows. Can you really not see that?

Yes, hugely privileged in many ways. I am simply saying some do not believe in private education when it has absolutely nothing to do with envy. I was only referring to our own circumstances to illustrate that. If I had a DC who struggled academically or socially then I would have parked my principles and paid for education if that had been the answer. We all do what we can and have to do for our DC. I would never judge anyone for doing that. But please don't say everyone who doesn't believe in private education at an ideological level is just jealous. It is childish and disingenuous.

Absurd. Education like this is designed to keep money with money. A top education, that is only accessible with money, is obviously so much more beneficial than a holiday.

But if you’re being genuinely serious and can’t see the problem that brings to society and the destruction of equal opportunities I’m not sure anyone can help you.

top schools = top universities = the old boys club. And the very small social circle that run this country and top businesses.

exceptionally intelligent children are not offered these opportunities and are stuck in under funded schools. Equal opportunities would mean it’s more likely everyone had a fair chance to flourish not just rich, leas intelligent kids who got lucky what they born into.

Might help if you actually read and understood my posts! (Although, in truth, on an anonymous forum these discussions are largely pointless as none of us know the identity of our interlocutors. If you did know me you wouldn’t be trying to school me on how education works in British society.)

@CornishStoneware
I do not really think you understood what I meant. You don’t think private schools confer an advantage and you don’t particularly like them. It all worked out well for you. It does for many and I’m perfectly well aware state Dc can achieve highly. Why would your Dc not do well when you could have spent £60,000 a year educating all three? They clearly have an enormous leg up anyway!

However you maybe haven’t seen what a top school offers? It’s not just education or even a job. It’s more than that. If it wasn’t, why would anyone pay? The reason some do is to stay with what they know. They have convictions too. They do what everyone they know does. Exactly the same as why state parents stay in their tribe.

However you maybe haven’t seen what a top school offers? It’s not just education or even a job. It’s more than that. If it wasn’t, why would anyone pay? The reason some do is to stay with what they know. They have convictions too. They do what everyone they know does. Exactly the same as why state parents stay in their tribe.

@TizerorFizz you couldn't be further off the mark. I went to a top boarding school, as has everyone else in my family for generations. DH also went to a very famous boarding school. The private (or rather public) school system is neither a mystery nor a novelty to either of us and it really was not an attractive prospect for our own DC. The truth is that we know many very damaged people who are products of it. Some of them have managed to be be highly successful in their public lives but struggled terribly privately. We would never have wanted to take that risk with our own DC.

We didn't care what everyone we know did. We thought for ourselves and chose what we considered best for our own DC. It is not our mentality to consider ourselves part of any 'tribe', particularly not with something so individual as a school choice. In my experience the only people who have considered choice of schools to be so loaded have been those who saw choosing particular schools as a means of elevating their own social status. I have no time for this and firmly believe that choice of schools should be purely in the interests of the DC.

You hold your views because of some family members. Many don’t have these experiences snd are happy. As I said, you don’t like these schools. Plenty do. Your family has coloured your opinion. Obviously others without the family history do use the schools and have done for generations too. They feel it’s worth it and continue the family tradition. New families join them. It’s choice. You made yours and others make theirs.

Modern boarding is light years away from that experienced generations ago. At least you had enough money to live where there was a great state school. Many don’t. I’ve also no doubt you have family connections and if you are well off, (you are) your Dc will always be ok. State education will not make much difference. They are already from a privileged background snd well connected in that your family used public schools (not many of us use that term now). They already have privilege and you didn’t need to pay for it. Well done you. Clearly your privileged education has paid dividends if you have the money to pay for 3 DC having private education!

Roughly which area of the country are you? I think maybe a private school with an emphasis on wellbeing might help but they are few and far between so it depends where you are.

@TizerorFizz I never said that family members had anything to do with our education choice. The negative experience was all our own. I also said that I respected other people's choices so not sure why I got a spiel on that. I also have four children so your bizarre financial calculations are wrong on both counts of the unit cost of boarding school fees as well as your multiplier! I'll save you the bother of making any adjustments though as you do know that not everyone has to earn the money for their school fees don't you? Many families have funds for that.

Yes. Of course the truly rich do. You are indeed one. DDs boarded so I do know the price of a pint of milk. So let’s start at 4 x £40,000 pa at senior school. For 7 or 5 years. Or public school as you prefer. You are now indicating that you are mega rich with a trust fund but took up places at a great state school that others might have coveted. I wonder if your Dc even need careers? Look at all the fees you have saved. Well done you.

Really glad it all worked for you OP (ignoring other debate going on on here irrespectively)

FWIW I was miserable at my (terrible) state primary and my parents moved me to private and I have thrived ever since - though my own dc are nearly grown up now. For some kids a small private school just is a better option than a large state school for all sorts of reasons. Of course the opposite could be true too, you knew your ds and did what was right for him.

@TizerorFizz so you now have no platitude left other than asserting that we should have sent our DC miles away to boarding school simply because someone may have been coveting their state school places. In your last post you were banging on about education being all about individual choice but now you are implying that it is morally wrong for us to take up a state school place because we can afford not to. So what, people have freedom of choice only when it suits you?

You also imply that if someone doesn't need to work to earn money, they don't have the right to pursue a rewarding career. Really? You have no idea how altruistic our DC's or indeed our careers are. Do you really think careers are purely about money?

I've clearly touched some nerve. Sounds like the 'politics of envy' could well be running the other way in this case 😉 - Apologies for the diversion folks, I'm done

@CornishStoneware
Nothing like a sermon from the rich doing their bit for society by taking a job to help
out and feeling smug about being so wonderful. You don’t get irony do you? I’m finished too. I do agree with choice but then saying you are super wealthy and Dc get jobs to help out the less fortunate is “Lady Bountiful” stuff from a bygone era! How wonderfully kind of you all!

@TizerorFizz you have twisted every single point I have made to try to fit your own narrow-minded prejudices. Your responses kicked off with condescension (speculating jealousy as can't afford fees, oh can afford fees but doesn't know any better than being part of a state school tribe) and shifted up a gear to vitriolic when it became clear that neither were true (insults around not having to earn money for hypothetical school fees, my DC not having a right to a career and other complete nonsense like Lady Bountiful etc.)
How truly spiteful and nasty your posts are. You have no idea what my DC's choices of career are and never will but you could not be further from the truth... once again. I really do hope your DC learned some humanity and good manners at that boarding school.

You two.. honestly stop the bickering on my thread!!! 🙄

I agree. I’m stopping.

OP I am so happy that your son is now happy. That's what it's all about.