Private school if state is not right socially?

[hangryorhungry]

If your child was doing well academically but just 'getting through each day' socially, would you consider moving schools? Y8. Been like this since started in y7 d huge state comprehensive. Not majorly depressed/ crying/ refusal to go.. just generally resigned about the whole experience & counting down the days/ weeks & terms. Spends most break times alone. Finds other kids either 'weird' (uber focused on sexually/ gender-based labelling of themselves) or obsessed with girls and porn!!?! Is this just a phase all boys go through at this age? He's young in year group & not yet hit puberty. The others aren't unkind to him - rather he doesn't feel comfortable around them. I think he's also now got himself reputation and being a loner. There are a couple of boys he likes but due to size and logistics of school (v short breaks, no clubs), often he can't find them at break times. School doing all it can to help but nothing is changing.
Our only other option in the area would be to go private. This would mean me going back to full time work and big change in our day to day lives as well as no holidays etc etc..
what would you do? My concern is we make all the sacrifices to send him private and nothing changes for him... I get it's not a golden ticket to happiness- but if nothing changes at current school I can see his confidence ebbing away and worry it will lead to bigger issues.

Finds other kids either 'weird' (uber focused on sexually/ gender-based labelling of themselves) or obsessed with girls and porn!!?!

I don't think this would necessarily be the same at the other state schools. My personal feeling is that a lot of this is due to leadership in the school wrt LGBT issues and sex&relationships.

Even if the academic standard is lower you may find he is much happier and this succeeds better, or specific areas could be caught up with tutoring.

I think it is worth looking at least. You could ask the other schools how they approach gender & teaching respect to girls.

But obviously you know more about the other options than I do!

Ok I have a 13 year old ds in a small private Co Ed school, (45 kids in year 9). It’s a lovely school but there are a small group of boys in his year , about five of them, who are bringing a toxic culture into school especially mysogyny. These boys are basically being groomed online by the likes of Andrew state (I’ve had to deal with ds following that creep!) Because the school is small they are able to pick up on issues very quickly and address them. They had all the boys in a special meeting the other day. The pastoral team are strong and responsive.

There are loads of clubs, lunchtimes and after school. Ds goes to two lunch ones and two after school ones.

If you choose to go private, choose a smaller day school. Question them closely about pastoral care, and ask how they deal with bigotry, bullying, social media etc…

If you already live in a nice area and he goes to school with people who could afford private I wouldn’t think the demographic would be much different at private. In a similar situation, my friend moved her son with ASD, who was really struggling socially, to a new tutor group, he found people to hang out with and is now happily in year 10. If it wasn’t possible to move tutor groups and make friends because groups are set, then no one who moved schools would have any friends and this just isn’t the case. I work in a secondary and pupils move tutor groups all the time when there are friendship problems - I would honestly try it before you pay for private.

Have pm'd you

I completely agree with this. If you move him when his confidence and resilience are low and it goes badly you run the risk of doing more harm than good.

What does he already do outside of school? What might he like? Scouts? Cadets? Creative writing groups? (If you’re in the West Midlands PM me as I can recommend an excellent one) Tabletop RPG groups? A team or individual sport?

Thanks everybody- all really good points. Our plan is to talk with current school to see if they can help engineer some tangible changes whilst looking round the other private options as back up. Issue is timing as decision will need to be made by Xmas latest really to stand even a glimmer of a chance of getting in the private schools.

I’d gently suggest that your plan also needs to focus on your son’s confidence in addition to the context around him. There’s clearly nothing wrong with him; he’s just a bit of an outlier compared to his cohort, but this won’t change in another context. Helping him to find a passion outside of school would be genuinely transformative for him. It was for me.

Totally agree. He has interests outside of school & attends an external club.. problem is he is of an age where we can't just force him along to scouts etc(tried that some years back!) - he happily attends school clubs, but they are mixed year groups & same issue of the school being so big/ breaks being so short that chances of bumping into that random kid from warhammer club are slim! He also happily hangs out one on one with one or two boys from school at weekends - this is the frustration, he is social, he is a good friend, but something is blocking that in the school environment. Hoping chat with teacher will reveal more!

It can work but it mught not. We moved DS from state to private for the same reason, and it worked well for him. He didn’t fitnin with the boys at our state school and he does fit in at the private. But it depends what private options are available in your area. Some have huge problems with eg drugs. Ask around, do visits in the week when you can see the pupils (don’t rely on open days, they’re pretty useless).

Also consider non school options where he can make nicer friends. Air cadets? Scouts? St Johns Ambulance? Etc.

@hangryorhungry
I agree with the poster who says it might work. I think it wholly depends on the school. I also don’t think co Ed is necessarily the way to go. Boys will be boys with the girls at these schools. It’s not up to the girls to improve the attitudes of the boys. Boys like your son might well be better in single sex with plenty going on.

Our private school had loads going on. It was a girls school with boarders but lunchbreaks had so much available and after school too. I think the schools with lots to do are best. Not all clubs and activities will be mixed age group. There are awful Dc in all schools. The key is to swerve them. Being lonely at school is awful. I was and I don’t recommend it. I would move him but look for a good fit. You will find private schools are sporty but what else does the school offer? By y11, DD1 was doing 12 activities! House mistress advised a cull! He needs to find like minded Dc and I would give him another chance.

Have you tried inviting some of the boys over, that’s how my boy got into a friend group at school, by meeting them outside of school as friends

Mums don’t do this at secondary do they? The Dc form their own friendships.

I really dislike the whole idea of private schools and children being offered better opportunities because their parents have money.

I really dislike Swiss ski resorts and children being offered better holidays because their parents have money …

Also really dislike huge Eaton Square houses and children being offered bigger, swankier bedrooms with bathrooms en suite because their parents have money …

Not to speak of exclusive £1k per month gyms and children being offered fantastic equipment and personal trainers because their parents have money. Hate that …

He needs to find his tribe. They'll be at the state school. Bigger pool of kids. Book a mtg with the school to discuss. A parent I know says the same about their DS at our school but no one else I know does. Get him to look at clubs that run often and ask to try a new form

My ds was the same. He doesn't like football, which seems to cause the initial issue, and then as he got older, he really disliked the whole teen boy obsession with porn etc. It was already obvious in yr 6.

I moved him to a small independent co-ed where phones aren't allowed in school, which removes most of the porn, where bullying is not tolerated and any persistent nastiness results in suspension/ being asked to leave.

He's happy and settled. Absorbed in his maths and physics, more friends and generally more confident and outgoing.

It's not a case of being offered better opportunities (or bigger bedrooms, ensuites, gyms and personal trainers 😂😂) I'm a single mum with access to none of the above. He got an academic scholarship to go to a school where he can learn in peace, without being made to feel miserable.

Different things work for different dcs. Have you asked your ds what he would like? Has he been on some taster days? My DS visited six different schools and knew immediately which he preferred.

I have a year 8 DS at an all boys private school . The school is small and nurturing. I
i deliberately sent my slightly awkward son to a smaller school as I thought he would be lost in the noise of a bigger school. It’s still large enough that he has found his group (he is nerdy and not remotely sporty) but the lunchtime clubs helped him find the similar souls quite quickly - think dungeons and dragons, coding club etc.
if you can do it, then I would. Just make sure it’s the right school for him and don’t necessarily be drawn on academic performance . Boys supported pastorally will do well and thrive!

Trouble is a big house and bedrooms and better holidays don't land you better jobs or entry to University do they? I say this as a parent who intends to go private.

Its easy for me to understand why people are p'd off that these schools offer a leg up to those who can afford it (or the tiny minority that win large bursaries if they can't afford it). Its silly not to see this.

OP, I don't think moving him to private will be an expensive mistake , but you may have the same situation, but with 6K-9K fees to find each term and lots of extras.

Be warned that if you're relying on work income to send DC to private school, God forbid , but it only takes long term illness and you're pulling your DC out of school. I'd have a back up plan for paying for fees, be that family help, cashing in investments, equity release, etc, or making your move conditional on getting a scholarship. Saying you'll get a job and stop taking exotic holidays isn't a solid plan to fund private education.

I hope he finds his tribe, I'm sure he will.

@ilikehoney
If you gave a house in Eaton Square, Dc won’t be competing with your Dc for jobs. Or anyone else’s! The rich don’t really require Dc to work. There’s plenty of money so Dc have lots of choice! It’s also who you know, not what you know, for the very rich too.

I would echo that a financial plan is needed. Equity release is, in effect, a mortgage so don’t do that! Most people don’t get ill snd do pay from earned income. It’s very normal. Unless you are pretty rich of course!

Trouble is a big house and bedrooms and better holidays don't land you better jobs or entry to University do they?

Well of course they do! You don’t think comfortably off pupils at ‘leafy comps’ - catchment area houses circa £3 million maybe - are more likely to get into the ‘best’ universities than others less fortunate?

My point was that people with the money to make choices will always choose things others can’t have. Banning the tiny proportion of independent schools in the UK would make no difference whatsoever to social equality. (And would absolutely harm the prospects of poorer children whose only route to a decent education is currently through scholarship / bursary access to fee paying schools. Their parents can’t move next door to a top 20 comp.)

I don't really get why you had sights set on a top public school when your income just isn't big enough. Schools like that are for the Uber wealthy

@belowfrozen ‘Top public schools’ are exactly the sort of independent school the non-wealthy are best advised to consider - as they have the resources to offer large bursaries.

(But the OP hasn’t actually indicated she’s thinking of that category of school.)

Eh?

I think you need to read my reply again@TizerorFizz