Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Suspension woes

56 replies

StressyTimes · 17/09/2022 02:20

Any help gladly received - will try not to drop feed but do yea t to be too outing

My sisters teenager has been suspended from school for 3 days (currently serving) after inappropriate language to an older female pupil who made a complaint

My DN apologised at the time of the incident as realised they had said something wrong - not that this makes it right but the complainee fid not seem bothered by action

DN had a good record at the school

My sister feels that the punishment is too harsh for what was said and Is not fair -feels his good record is tarnished and that when he returns he will end up being singled out left right and centre

Anyone have any words of advice I can give her ?

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 17/09/2022 10:30

Tell DN to keep their head down, and not react to any negative comments and it will get blown over by the next scandal. If pressed say 'I realised <straight away> I was out of order so apologised <immediately>'

noblegiraffe · 17/09/2022 10:47

A three day suspension is very severe for a first offence, so what was said must have been pretty bad (or not the full story). If your sister is wondering why the punishment was harsh, Ofsted released a report into sexual abuse and harassment in schools last year that was pretty awful and all schools have been told to have this as a child protection focus. There's a thread running currently in Chat about a grammar school that went from Outstanding to Inadequate because it wasn't taking this issue seriously and not listening to complaints.

Agree that the correct response when he goes back would be to keep his head down and admit he was fully wrong and apologetic and mortified if pushed.

Original poster
StressyTimes · 17/09/2022 10:55

Thank you both for info - will pass on.

He apologised straight away and said he was in the wrong but several days later they complained . All my sister has learnt is that it was a teenage sexual comment about how hard he got thinking about her - yes she is not otoud that he said it but 3 days still feels harsh but we've no real experience of any of this and perhaps this is usual ?

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 17/09/2022 10:57

Girls, especially those under 16 should be able to go to their learning environment without being subject to these kind of comments. If the DN wants to compliment a girl, how about saying she is pretty, or funny, or has interesting views?

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2022 11:00

Usual that he said it or usual that he was excluded??
What he said was grim and completely inappropriate. He deserved exclusion.

Original poster
StressyTimes · 17/09/2022 11:05

Yes I am not at all happy that my 13 year old DN said this to a 17 year old sixth former

3 days for a one-off first offence does seem harsh - he did apologise immediately , realised that it was inappropriate and should not have been said and said as much

School have confirmed the above

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 17/09/2022 11:06

He deserves the suspension.

Rainbowshine · 17/09/2022 11:06

I think the suspension sounds fair now you have told us what the comment was. School should be a safe space for all, he made it an uncomfortable and unsafe space. In the workplace that would have been a formal disciplinary situation, possibly dismissal if it was part of a pattern of behaviour. I should imagine it’s not a one off incident either, unfortunately z. Just because the other pupil didn’t raise it straight away doesn’t mean it didn’t make her feel intimidated or disgusted and upset. I think you are minimising the behaviour of your nephew.

Whadda · 17/09/2022 11:08

So he sexually harassed a student and your sister thinks a three day suspension is too harsh?

I can see where he’s getting his sense of entitlement.

NerrSnerr · 17/09/2022 11:08

Completely fair. How would you feel OP if a colleague said this to you?

Endlessdays · 17/09/2022 11:11

That’s a pretty shocking thing to say to a teenage girl. He may have apologised straight away - but think about how she feels now - he can’t take it back. Your sister is minimising it.

It doesn’t surprise me that it may have taken her a few days to complain. She may not have realised how bad it was, she may have been too embarrassed to talk about it. It takes courage to speak up about these sorts of things as a teenager.

The school will be wanting to send a clear message to all the boys that this is not acceptable, hence the 3 days. I suggest your DN goes back, keeps his head down, stay well away from the girl, and it will blow over.

EndTheMonacyNow · 17/09/2022 11:12

I think that it's ok. Hopefully he will learn from this. It's a really horrible thing to have said. It's worse than an insult.
If this helps him think before he speaks in future then it will be worthwhile. The fact it's a first offence is good.

FrippEnos · 17/09/2022 11:14

I wish that schools took this more seriously.
TBH I would be worried if the school didn't initially keep a closer eye on him.

Your DN needs to earn back everybody's trust.

FrippEnos · 17/09/2022 11:15

Its the first offence that is known.

Endlessdays · 17/09/2022 11:16

Also the fact he is 13 and she is 17 is irrelevant. It is still sexual harassment. Hopefully he will learn from the exclusion that this sort of comment is never ever ok. By you and your sister complaining about the length of the exclusion you are giving the message that you don’t think it’s that bad.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/09/2022 11:16

StressyTimes · 17/09/2022 11:05

Yes I am not at all happy that my 13 year old DN said this to a 17 year old sixth former

3 days for a one-off first offence does seem harsh - he did apologise immediately , realised that it was inappropriate and should not have been said and said as much

School have confirmed the above

I'm willing to bet every penny I have ever earned that this is more like the thousandth time he's said such offensive, abusive and intimidating stuff to girls.

ForensicFlossy · 17/09/2022 11:17

Definitely not the first time he has done it. He deserves the punishment. Hopefully he will learn from it.

maddy68 · 17/09/2022 11:20

There is more to this sounds like it was hate speech , maybe homophobic or racist.

Or it's not the first time and the punishment has been ramped up.

Support the school

sheepdogdelight · 17/09/2022 11:20

Complainee did not seem bothered by the action

I suggest you explain to your DN that people who are the victims of sexual or other harassment tend not to react because it can make the situation worse and/or they don't want to appear weak.

The girl is to be commended for keeping her head, not engaging with the situation and dealing with this in the appropriate way by making a formal complaint.

DeliberatelyObtuse · 17/09/2022 11:22

"- he did apologise immediately , realised that it was inappropriate and should not have been said and said as much"

But he did say it. It was a totally inappropriate sexual comment and harassment.

FFS - are will still supposed to be ok with lewd inappropriate sexualised behaviour from creepy men (and boys) on the basis it's a one off? He absolutely deserves his suspension. His behaviour was appalling.

LIZS · 17/09/2022 11:23

That is vile and he needs to learn a harsh lesson before he gets into more trouble. In the workplace he could be dismissed for gross misconduct for example.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 17/09/2022 11:25

I think the leadership of many secondary schools have had their minds very much focused on how they deal with this sort of unwanted sexual remark due to the ofsted downgrading of a grammar school that went from outstanding to inadequate in one inspection, despite having no academic issues, because the inspectors felt they were not dealing with these issues.

NameForAChange · 17/09/2022 11:28

"But he did say it. It was a totally inappropriate sexual comment and harassment."- Absolutely this.
Plus I can't get over the disparity in ages. He's 13 and said this to a 17 year old? It would be creepy enough if they were similar ages, but to have the confidence/ arrogance/ entitlement to say this someone in 6th form...?

I doubt this is a first offence- maybe the first time someone felt strong enough to call it out (I hope she's ok)

Original poster
StressyTimes · 17/09/2022 11:32

I have not complained & neither has my sister - she felt it was harsh - neither of us has said anything to him / in front of him to suggest we think the school is harsh - it is a private opinion that she had and discussed with me only

She has spoken to my DN at length about what is wrong here , why it is being treated so seriously, why he should not have said it , how awful the girl must feel etc etc - we are not taking his comment lightly st all

Those that are saying it's not a one off and he's saying it all the time are incorrect - he seriously has a good record , is a very good student - there were other boys present when it was said - and no there are no race issues at all here

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 17/09/2022 11:34

Can I just reiterate what a pp said. Justifying sexual harassment by saying she seemed okay with it is appalling and worrying. It's a close cousin to the "she smiled at me", "she didn't say no" defence. You cannot behave sexually inappropriately towards a girl or woman and then filter your behaviour through your own entitled and erroneous perception of their unwilling and unwitting role in the event. There is NO justification. And apologising after the fact doesn't matter either.

He needs to be taught about sexual consent, boundaries and sexism very quickly indeed.

I'm pleased the school are on it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread