AIBU to not reward results?

[MerryMarigold]

DS2 today came home and said he'd got 100% in both Maths tests so we 'have to take him out for a posh meal'. DH thinks we should. I don't think he should be rewarded for being naturally talented. My Mum siesta said we should reward the hard work put in and not reward the result.

To complicate matters, DS1 has just finished GCSEs. He's stressed about getting a 7 in Maths to get into 6th form. I got him a few little celebratory bits and we bought him an Xbox game when he finished his exams but I think the reward for a good grade will be the good grade.

I'm not sure what to do here. What do others think?

That's interesting. What age will you leave it to your kids to decide how hard they want to work? What about Uni? Many parents still support their kids through Uni so it's not unreasonable to expect them make the most of it.

My kids are all adults now and all have good degrees and good jobs. I feel I was lucky that they naturally seemed conscientious. I can't imagine punishing any of them for poor results. That's wild. How would that actually work with older teens?

I believed it was up to them to decide how hard to work. I rewarded them for hard work but wouldn't have dreamed of punishing them when they did poorly. I was ok with them doing 'well enough' - I can't imagine a relationship where I was telling them what to do about their studies as teens.
I find it particularly unpleasant when kids feel they have to work hard in order to avoid disjappointmenting their parents. It just seems like such a negative relationship. It feels better to encourage a positive relationship where you encourage and facilitate your older kids studying but also respect their decisions. I wanted my kids to study because they wanted to not because they felt they had to.

@Pleaseletmeconfirm

I agree with what you say. There’s quite a lot of evidence that punishing and demanding more can be very bad for the child. Some might thrive but you can end up with resentment and a poor relationship. Being positive works better and some DC are very late in discovering the need to put some effort in. Way into their late teens or 20s!

@Anothernamechangeplease

Clearly if a DC has worked hard and tried their absolute best but still got a disappointing result, I wouldn’t punish.

But if they have messed about and not put in effort, yes there should be consequences imo if a DC gets poor grades.

It might actually be better to be aware of the issues much earlier and try to work with the school.