AIBU to not reward results?

[MerryMarigold]

DS2 today came home and said he'd got 100% in both Maths tests so we 'have to take him out for a posh meal'. DH thinks we should. I don't think he should be rewarded for being naturally talented. My Mum siesta said we should reward the hard work put in and not reward the result.

To complicate matters, DS1 has just finished GCSEs. He's stressed about getting a 7 in Maths to get into 6th form. I got him a few little celebratory bits and we bought him an Xbox game when he finished his exams but I think the reward for a good grade will be the good grade.

I'm not sure what to do here. What do others think?

Sorry, meant to ask if you have any ideas of how he could stretch himself more in Maths.

But what should your son have done, to satisfy your requirements for effort, OP? If he's getting 100% without doing a huge amount of extra work at home, surely it would be a pointless waste of time to sit there trying to get >100% (and would indicate quite poor maths skills, given that's not possible). Is it that he does badly in other subjects and doesn't put effort in for them either?

Would it not be reasonable to reward for either effort/results? The deal when I was at school was that if you got the top attainment grades lower effort grades were accepted. If you weren't getting top attainment grades you had damned we'll be getting top grades for effort.

I know natural talent can get you a long way in maths but he must still have been paying attention in class. I think you are a meant not to recognise his amazing marks. You need to parent the kids you have as individuals. You son wants recognition of his 100%'s why dismiss them as not important.

You should also celebrate your other kids in a way that suits them.

They are individuals.

This is the equivalent of presenteeism in the office. Just because I’m still at work right now, doesn’t mean I’m being useful. I’m on mumsnet now and have had a fairly inefficient afternoon (blame the heat) so I’ll need to stay late to make up for it. But I think that my boss should give me a promotion and a massive pay rise because I’ll be the last one here tonight. Meanwhile my colleague who’s just put her head down and got on with it but had to rush home to pick up her kids, should probably put more effort in.

Are your twins at different schools? How come one already knows their grades and the other doesn't?

@Johnnysgirl , no they are in different classes. DD 's class is shambolic at the moment, cover teachers for just couple of weeks. Don't know when they'll hear.

@karmakameleon , it's nothing like the same. If you put your head down and revise hard for a week, that's totally different from doing half an hour for one evening. Most jobs will be able to tell the difference! If someone requires 7x the amount of time as someone else to do their job then that's their problem and they might want to rethink their career. Unfortunately you have no choice to do Maths right up to GCSE so rewarding effort is important.

Unfortunately you have no choice to do Maths right up to GCSE so rewarding effort is important.
Why can't he put the effort into something he actually does need to work at?

That was me in the office 😂 always stayed super late because I did f all during the day. Got me to Partnership 🤣

Most jobs tell the difference by having measurable targets. XelaM presumably had to get positive client feedback and win a certain amount of new business to make partner. Once she’s done that (however long it takes) why not go and do something else more fun instead? If your son knows he’s going to get a good mark, then why spend more time revising? What’s the goal because he can’t get better than 100%?

By all means reward your daughter’s efforts and encourage your son to put more effort into things that don’t come naturally to him but I think you’re being a bit ridiculous to think he should put more time and effort into the maths. If you think the school isn’t stretching him enough that’s a conversation you need to have with his teachers.

but I think you’re being a bit ridiculous to think he should put more time and effort into the maths

When did I say that? I said I'm not rewarding him for being naturally talented at Maths. I agree, he needs to make more effort in other subjects and I'd rather reward him for Science which he did actually do a couple if evenings revision for, and got a lower grade. This is purely about the Maths grade and expecting a treat for doing well.

Fair enough, you describing him as “lazy” suggests you want him to work harder but I see you mean generally rather than just in maths, although you did ask how he could stretch himself more in maths.

Yes, I was asking how we could stretch him in Maths - not so he gets 150% (impossible) but just to encourage his strengths.

Success is its own reward. i rewarded mine for failure because that's when they needed cheering up.

I agree. Success is a reward in itself, and hard work will (hopefully) be rewarded with success. And when we fail, it’s nice to treat ourselves and commiserate, just as it is good to celebrate the wins.

Personally I find the concept of celebrating effort quite frustrating because it’s subjective and often people people work “hard” but not smart. I remember a friend revising for her GCSEs by making endless flash cards on topics she already knew and putting off revising the ones she was struggling with. It looked like she was working hard because she was spending time on it but in fact she was avoiding the hard work and putting off working on something she found difficult.

Good point. I agree with that too.

I remember a friend revising for her GCSEs by making endless flash cards on topics she already knew and putting off revising the ones she was struggling with

I wouldn't call that working hard! I'd call it playing with stationery. I do know when my kids are revising properly and how 'hard' it is just by the looks on their faces/ level of tiredness.

I have always rewarded the effort not the grade. I was more proud when dc1 got a C in a subject he struggled at but tried so hard than the A he got because of his natural ability. Likewise dc4 came home yesterday with his report and straight away we look at the effort and the behaviour. DC3 is no good at school sports but bloody hell he tries and never gives up - that deserves rewarding.
I agree with you op.
At the end of term take all your dc our for a celebratory meal.

I think it's about the size of the "event" more than the mark. If you start spending £80 or whatever every time he gets a high mark it could cost you a fortune. He will start taking it for granted, it will stop feeling special and it'll be hard to keep it fair. He's 13, they can be demanding at that age and he's just chancing his arm.

We have done trips to the ice cream parlour after SATS, Maths Olympiad and GCSE mocks.

I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested that effort shouldn't be rewarded. Persevering at things, especially when they don't come easily, is a really positive thing. I've always praised/rewarded my kids for that but I'd also praise and reward my kids for things that they objectively do really well.

You have to think about what your kid thinks too. Not rewarding him for this is the type of thing that he could be bitter about for years to come.

Him wanting a fancy meal is a separate issue. He sounds cheeky. I never rewarded my kids with anything more that a dessert or trip out for an ice cream. I never gave them money although I know that works with some kids.

You're right. There's a few issues

1. Rewarding effort
2. Rewarding results
3. 'Level' of exam related to level of reward (GCSE vs Y8, for example)
4. Cheering up after a perceived 'failure' or celebrating whatever the grades

Lots of considerations. I really appreciate all the thoughts you've given me, especially treating them individually and not a set idea. DS2 has so far received praise but no meal. I will take him for an ice cream at the end of term, 1:1 and reiterate I'm so proud of him. DS1 had a few treats and we will go for a family meal when he gets his GCSE results, just as a celebration for all the hard work whatever the grades are (I'm sure there will be nice surprises and a few disappointments in there). Definitely no money! DD (still not got her result 🙄 but got less than her brother on Science despite much more revision), I will take for a little treat 1:1 at the end of term as well to acknowledge her hard work all year.

Cant believe more people aren't talking about the absolute entitlement of demanding you take him for a posh meal. How spoilt. If my DC were so cheeky I'd tell him you might be good at maths but you need a few lessons in manners.

I don’t think him wanting a meal out with his family is a big ask. It seems clear ds1 is your favourite to me, I can’t imagine how poor ds2 feels if even an amazing 100% is still not good enough for him to get a celebratory meal with his family.

I don't reward results but probably for a different reason to many others on the thread- to me studying hard and getting excellent grades should be expected. Clearly not every DC is going to be capable of straight A*s, but imo working as hard as possible and getting the best grades you are personally capable of should be the bare minimum expectation.

My DC are each set a minimum amount of age-appropriate study time that has to be completed before screen time etc are earned. I do also give out punishments for poor grades and/or lack of effort.

Oooh, I would love to see the thread on giving out punishments for poor grades!

Punishments for poor grades? Now I've heard it all...