AIBU to not reward results?

[MerryMarigold]

DS2 today came home and said he'd got 100% in both Maths tests so we 'have to take him out for a posh meal'. DH thinks we should. I don't think he should be rewarded for being naturally talented. My Mum siesta said we should reward the hard work put in and not reward the result.

To complicate matters, DS1 has just finished GCSEs. He's stressed about getting a 7 in Maths to get into 6th form. I got him a few little celebratory bits and we bought him an Xbox game when he finished his exams but I think the reward for a good grade will be the good grade.

I'm not sure what to do here. What do others think?

From a sibling perspective..

I was gifted as a child. My brother, less than a year younger, was average to slightly below average. My mother always said it was the hard work that went into it and not the grade. So he was always celebrated for his average abilities if he revised and did okay whereas it was just expected I'd breeze in and get top marks and this was just my ability not my work ethic. This has bred a huge amount of resentment to the point as adults I've just gone no contact with my brother. I'm tired of him being the golden child for trying and overcoming with average results. If a child was massively talented at sport that's often celebrated but less so with academics and I don't know why (I'm sure hard work there is celebrated too). Your DS2 has still managed to learn the material and produce a flawless result, regardless of whether it's difficult for him or not.

I'm not saying you're like my family or that your boys will end up the way my brother and I have but I definitely feel like you should do something to celebrate his accomplishments whether or not they were hard for him to achieve. It's worth celebrating all of their accomplishments.

How much more effort do you want him to make if he got 100%? If he knew what he had to do in the exam, and could do it, then what else were you expecting him to do? Pretty confused here.

That's a good point. How can he work hard to challenge himself when he can already do everything he's asked to do? If he's not being stretched at school that's hardly his fault.

My daughter could read when she started school. She wasn't allowed to go past a certain level of reading book (stupid school rules) so there was nothing she couldn't read at school. Should she have been accused of not really working hard because of that?

So IMO these are 2 different things. Your DS1 has sat his public exams which are a v big deal and have a massive impact on his future. The stress of GCSEs is in no way comparable to end of year 8 tests!! Which matter not and so therefore cannot be seen on an equal footing. Its great your other children have done well/ worked hard but I cannot see how treating your DS1 after his GCSEs would breed resentment. They seem like bright kids and can surely differentiate between tbese different scenarios!!! And I am sure when your DS2 and DD take their GCSEs you will treat them when they are finished too.
I did the same. And have again with DS1's A levels this year. DS2 did his year 12 exams and has not been 'treated' but will be next year!!! His predicted grades are his reward.
I never reward results. Results are results and reward (or not) in themselves.

We just went out for dinner together. No judgements. We love them equally. Who judges their DC in such minutae? No one I ever knew. Some DC don’t necessarily have to work hard. Others have to slave away. But you don’t love one above the other do you? They are not the same personalities or abilities. But that really doesn’t matter. Even the ones who find school relatively easy usually work hard when employed. I often think that’s how it should be. Slaving away at school for medium grades can be relentless. You never get to the top of that mountain. Balance is what’s needed.Plus enjoyment of school and life.

I'm with you, OP, about focussing on the effort, more than the result. We took DD out for dinner after she sat the 11 plus, but we didn't do anything special when she received her results, or when she got a place at her preferred school.

I would be a bit concerned about your DS's attitude, basically demanding a posh meal out because he got full marks in some tests! I do wonder whether this idea came from school friends - we know people that take their kids out as reward for getting a good report, and have even heard of one person who was promised a pony if she passed the 11 plus 😮

It is more difficult with siblings though, and other posters have given some good examples as to why. My gut feeling would be to stay away from giving any special rewards (meals out, money etc) for individuals, and just keep up with the support and praise for them all, with perhaps a treat for all at a suitable point (such as an end of term family meal.)

Just be glad that rewarding 100% is your problem 😂

Ours expect a fanfare and a pat on the back when they put in minimal effort and get 50%. Apparently getting a 4 is "really good" 😐

He did put in minimal effort (at home). Yet to see the report for effort.

@MerryMarigold
why be so worried about effort? He’s done the exams and learned what he was asked to. He’s not any less lived if he just winged it, is he? If he has friends going out for meals, just say you are doing a family one later! It’s no big deal surely?

I have always taught my dd that the results themselves are the reward. It's what my parents taught me and I stand by it.

We have often taken her out for a meal to acknowledge her hard work (typically before results) or lovely feedback from her teachers about helping other students etc.

He's asked a few times. He seems to think it's somehow worth 'extra credit' because of the mark. I've explained it's a fantastic mask and we'll go out end of term to celebrate all their hard work this year.

I'd be taking him for a lovely meal out and I'd be celebrating his grade. I'd celebrate whatever works with your other kid. Just celebrating effort would work with some kids but not others. You need to treat your kids as individuals not have some standard fixed way of patenting.

It's amazing he got such a great score. Downplaying it because he is naturally talented is mean. It's dismissive.

It's also difficult to measure 'effort'

I'd take him out, it will give him a reason to carry on in the future, if he isn't rewarded he may not bother.
I think most parents give a little treat as an insensitive. X

@allboysherebutme
We never did this. A clever child just gets on very well anyway. The op is treating the whole family together. That’s fair and easy to explain.

It's totally stupid to reward the effort but not the result! That's the opposite of what's important. The results/marks are what count at the end of the day. I have always been very good at passing exams with minimal effort and would forget everything I learned upon leaving the exam hall. It has served me very well in life. Being able to do well in exams is a very important life skill because there will be countless exams/tests your kids will have to sit in throughout their education/careers.

If you don't reward two 100% results your son might completely lose motivation and not bother next time.

I don't see what else you wanted him to do if he already knew everything he needed to revise for the exam?

This.

Your perspective is skewed and he should be rewarded for hard work.
I get that your wanting to protect your older siblings insecurities but you are risking discouraging your younger son.

I grew up with my achievements never being celebrated but my brothers were to encouraged him to stay in school and work...all it did was cause issues and I felt pushed out and ignored. I was expected to do well and got told off of I got Bs!

Just to add, my little brother was like your son at school - very talented in STEM subjects and got results without trying. In fact, he spent most of his time gaming/messing around and school would complain about him constantly because he wouldn't hand in homework on time/ made no effort. My parents were actually very soft on him because his exam results were always brilliant.

Subsequently, he ended up going to Cambridge (graduated with a First again seemingly without much effort) and did his postgrad at Harvard. He is now in his mid-20's and super successful in IT working for one of the biggest tech giants on an eye-watering salary. It would have been unfair of my parents to not reward him for his results just because he was naturally gifted and bored at school. It probably would have discouraged him from getting good results in the first place.

As a previous poster suggested The problem with getting 100% in tests is that with all the effort in the world he couldn't have got any higher. Next time he will have to try harder to get a lower mark then you will be able to reward him.

On Mumsnet you often hear of kids who breeze through GCSEs and A levels making very little effort. It's so dismissive of the kids. These exams are a LOT easier for some kids than others but even the brightest kids have to put a lot of effort in.

I rewarded all my children if they did well in general so piano and electric guitar grades, swimming badges and later placed in races, karate grades, GCSE, A levels, degrees, HGV class 2 then class 1 all got rewarded but we celebrated as a family on many occasions so if 1 child got new karate grade = family takeaway, child won competitive swim race = family meal out, GCSES child got money plus family meal out. I found it made children support each other more. When I'm gone I want my children to be there to support each other.

How can you say someone getting 100% shouldn’t be rewarded for their effort? That can’t get any more than 100%😂

I don’t reward for 100% .. one of mine - same age , has got a couple of 100%s this year . He’s good at maths .

I reward for effort when the reports come out .. but we’re talking a game or some sweets or something not a posh meal out.

I might be tempted to reward good grades in English though as he really struggles and I know he really will deserve something … again though it will probably be a bag of Sourpatch kids !

my younger one isn’t academic so it would just be unfair to always be rewarding one and not the other

Why don't you take them all out for a meal. Then it's not like anyone is favoured.

Finishing GCSEs, no matter what the result is worth a little extra. So it's nice you gave your DS1 something.

I'd suggest with DS2 if he is gifted at maths then I'd suggest a way to find out how far he can go with it. Getting 100% didn't require a lot of work - so find a way to allow him to truly stretch himself and then reward him after that.

It's like a fluent French speaker getting an A* in GCSE French. They didn't really need to try. Sure an exam and pressure requires a level of input but it's nothing compared to what a non-French speaker would have had to do, to get the same result.

You reward for the effort before any grade. If someone spends ever evening for a week revising for a Y8 exam then I think they'd deserve a little reward for that even if, when the result came out, they got 40%. If they revise one night then, nope even if, when the result comes out it's 100%.

But this thread is basically my DH vs Me!

@DailySnooze