GCSE results - how to react to disappointing grades

[justcheckin22]

DD is doing very little revision and if her recent mocks are anything to go by, she will be very lucky to pass any, let alone all, her GCSEs.

This is obviously very disappointing particularly as up until two years ago she was predicted steady 5&6's possibly one 7 so some subjects better than others not particularly academic but quite capable. When lockdown hit she pretty much switched off and lost all interest and motivation in work. No concerns about her MH but she's discovered boys, parties, gaming and just won't engage with anything about her future, school work or what failing might mean (leaving school and probably most of her friends, not being able to take the gap year she's planning etc

I've been thinking recently about the practicalities of results day - if by some miracle she does scrape a pass and secure a place at 6th form (Btec so only needs APS of 3.5)I honestly think I'm going to struggle to be pleased for her when I know how little she's done and how much more she is capable of. She has a bee in her bonnet about us having too high expectations so I'm conscious of not being too down on her about any achievements but in all honesty, yes maybe few years ago we would talk about how a 5 could be a 6 with hard work but now, if she got 5 & 6's I'd be bloody ecstatic so just keen for her to pass.
Anyone been in this situation or have any pearls of wisdom?

I haven't been in this position, DD2's GCSEs were a write off due to pandemic/MH. DD1 tried hard for her B/C grades.

I would perhaps just try to be matter of fact, so maybe try to hide disappointment? It is what it is.

Does she have a 'Plan B' if things go even worse than you expect - e.g. doing a Level 2 BTEC whilst retaking maths/English?

We always talked about

• having the good grades opens more choices
• not wanting any 'if onlys' on results day
• the fact you have to resit English & maths and that will be a pain when moving on to next studies (and yes, for DD2 it is a real pain, and I am so sad for her she needs to do it)

Matter of fact "I'm glad you've got the grades you needed to do your BTec. How do you feel about it?" If she is happy and she's done enough to get onto the next stage does it really matter that she's getting 4s and not 5s or 6s?

Parties and gaming wouldn’t be an option for my kids if they were not trying their best at school. I’d put a stop to those things/limit them until your daughter is willing to engage. And I wouldn’t hide my disappointment at results if she hadn't worked hard. Any results are to be celebrated if they have been worked for.

I would dial down all expectations from your point of view. Let her know that you've resigned yourself to whatever grades she gets and that you respect the fact that it's her life, not yours. Then ask her what her plan B is if she doesn't get enough for her BTEC. Make sure that she knows this is not about you and your disappointment. It's about her life and what she wants from it.

Sorry, I answered the wrong question. You asked how to react to disappointing grades, not what to say now.

I think I would avoid reacting much at all tbh. Just ask if she is happy with the results. If she is, then I wouldn't offer any further comment. If she isn't, then that's the time to have a conversation about what she could have done differently.

I wouldn’t say anything, if she wants to work harder to get higher grades she will. I know lots of DC that have used their mock results as a wake up call.

@TheSongAboutMe

Parties and gaming wouldn’t be an option for my kids if they were not trying their best at school. I’d put a stop to those things/limit them until your daughter is willing to engage. And I wouldn’t hide my disappointment at results if she hadn't worked hard. Any results are to be celebrated if they have been worked for.

If you had said the same to me a few years ago this would have been my response too - just make her do it and don't let her have all that freedom and then she will work. The realities of parenting a stubborn and underachieving teen are sadly very different. And believe me we have tried - being grounded did not result in any more work being done and was 4 weeks of hell for everyone. Yes possibly if we persevered she might suddenly become a consciousness student but frankly for the rest of my children and my own sanity, there was no way we could continue and whilst of course I want her to do well, her mental well-being is also my responsibility and locking her up (metaphorically!) did no one any favours. She started not coming home from school, leaving early hours of the morning so she could meet her mates and we even had stand-offs in the doorway!

We now have an agreement that during holidays and at weekends she has to sit at the kitchen table and do 2 hours work before she's allowed to go to parties, online etc, but you'd be amazed how little someone can achieve in 2 hours if they can't be bothered, don't want to, are angry/resentful etc. You can lead a horse to water...

Thanks for the advice and I think a more pragmatic - 'I'm pleased you can stay on' approach is in order. I have already said at 6th form she will need to set her own revision & homework timetable as I'm not continuing this current regime for a minute longer than is necessary but I'm desperately hoping she'll grow up a bit soon and be more interested in something she's chosen
.
Plan B is college to do the same Btec plus resits but she will not discuss it as apparently 'college is for losers'. And yes the irony is completely lost on her!!!

@CrimbleCrumble1

I wouldn’t say anything, if she wants to work harder to get higher grades she will. I know lots of DC that have used their mock results as a wake up call.

That was what we were counting on but nothing's changed so far and first exam is less than 3 months away

Has she actually applied to the college?
She might just be assuming she can go there (if she is considering it at all). But she could in theory find that all the places on her preferred course are already gone come results day...

Would she get into her school 6th form with her mock grades? If not I think I'd be thinking about insisting a college application goes in, and also mildly pointing out that if she doesn't work then she'll have to go to the 'losers' college....

Tell her to just focus on the 3 or 4 she is best at.
And get her some revision guides for those subjects.

Gcse is age 15/16? (I'm scottish so its different here). If so, they don't matter so much, unless she is planning to leave at 16.

Does she actually want go to uni?
If so, even if it doesn't go well while she is in school, she can take some classes in college. She might find she excels there. School just isn't the best environment for some ppl to learn.

I let school with 1 higher. Then got 7 more over the next 2 years in college. So I'd absolutely recommend that if she struggles in school.

...that and not bothering with uni unless there's something she really wants to do and it's a course with lots of job possibilities. Otherwise uts a waste of time and money.

Try not to stress too much. She has her whole life ahead of her and she'll get there when she gets there. If 'there' is the right place for her.

Pink I think GCSE results do matter:

• they are an access door to the desired steps for 6th form studies

but also

• they act as a well understood qualification so any employers not understanding BTECs they can judge things from the GCSEs
• if you don't pass English & Maths you have to keep retaking...
• they are looked at by some universities if that is the desired route

Fair point about them being used to judge the level for your final year classes. But still, you can literally take them at any age in life if it doesn't work out.

I was lucky that I've never needed a higher in math for uni or for work roles. But if I ever did, I ccould just take a night class in college.

There's nothing in the world worth stressing your 16 year old kid over. It's not life or death. It's some letters and numbers on a bit of paper. Much better to let them be. Let them learn for themselves. And if it doesn't work out, teach them that the most important thing they can learn in life is to dust themselves off and get up and try again or, try something else that does work for them.

If you had said the same to me a few years ago this would have been my response too - just make her do it and don't let her have all that freedom and then she will work. The realities of parenting a stubborn and underachieving teen are sadly very different. And believe me we have tried - being grounded did not result in any more work being done and was 4 weeks of hell for everyone. Yes possibly if we persevered she might suddenly become a consciousness student but frankly for the rest of my children and my own sanity, there was no way we could continue and whilst of course I want her to do well, her mental well-being is also my responsibility and locking her up (metaphorically!) did no one any favours.

I’d have still persevered with it. If they know you’ll give up, they’ll keep pushing til you do. I suppose it’s too late now. She’ll regret it when she’s 30 and probably struggling to pay the bills and realise the missed opportunities.
I’d be hoping she moved out as soon as possible, if she’s too cool for school and too cool to respect her parents and is disrupting her siblings lives, then my attitude would be, get out and see how cool you are on your own. It would break my heart but I couldn’t live with that attitude when I’d given her every opportunity.
Good luck, I really hope she turns things around.

If she doesn't want to go to college, what is she going to do. Law states either college, apprenticeship, fully time training. You can't just get a full time job at 16 anymore. No gap years at 16 plus who is apparently funding this?
Tell her one last time her consequences of failing. Maybe she is so overwhelmed that's she's scared but afraid to show it. Tell her just to concentrate on Maths, English and Science otherwise she will be repeating the maths and English. There is time if she knuckles down, Easter hols, study leave to get grades up to at least a level 4.
Good luck it sounds tough.

I agree that you can't force a reluctant to teen to work if they don't want to. And even if you could, where does it end? At some point they need to take responsibility for themselves.

(Have a friend who banned her DD from any socialising following poor mocks results. Her experience was like OP's - no more work was done and they had to spend the next few months living with an irritable teenager.)

She’ll regret it when she’s 30 and probably struggling to pay the bills and realise the missed opportunities.

I don't think hyperbole like this helps anyone.
If OP's DD regrets when she is 30, she can retake GCSEs or do a degree at the Open University (for example). And she's likely to do much better then on account of being more motivated and actually wanting to.

Failing or doing worse than expected in GCSEs at 16 does not dictate your entire future. It might mean you have to take a different route, but there are many roads, and many destinations.

It’s only February, she might have a epiphany yet!

I think it's not about disappointment or being pleased.

As a parent we always want our kids to achieve their best but sometimes they take a different path - one we wouldn't choose - and we have to take the role of guider and step back.

Sounds like you're realistic about how much you can force your teen dd to do.

I prefer the talking it through as mentioned above.

Ask her what she feels about what she needs, how will she achieve that. What's she going to do if she doesn't get the grades (help her look at other options as a realistic necessity). Ask her how she'll feel if she doesn't get the grades she needs for 6th form.

Often the way to get teens very focussed on their own (current!) wants and needs to focus on their future is to guide them to how they may think and feel if it doesn't turn out how they want. Let them figure it out for themselves.

I think it's also important to be supportive outwardly however much your screaming at them in your head

If she has some subjects that are similar and have heavily essay based exams then that might help. For example politics, modern studies and sociology - there are very similar veins through these subjects. So she might be able with learn 5 or 6 essays and pretty much just adjust the introductions and a few key words to make them subject specific. Trick I learned in uni xD

Get some old exam papers and hunt through them to see if there are any questions where similar info can be regurgitated. Eg: Marxism for politics and sociology.

If OP's DD regrets when she is 30, she can retake GCSEs or do a degree at the Open University (for example). And she's likely to do much better then on account of being more motivated and actually wanting to.

She can but what a waste of time and money. As teens, all they have to do is go to school and put a bit of effort in. And I think if you put good values in from primary school, it’s easier at secondary. My son was capable but could be lazy, it’s not easy to keep insisting that homework and revision is done but it pays off. And then eventually, they see it works, maturity kicks in and they want to do it. Personally I wouldn’t stand for OPs daughters behaviour but each to their own. She’ll hopefully settle at college and knuckle down.

@NextThreadPlease - I assume you have nice compliant teens? I have brought up 2 with the same "good values" but for some reason one has turned out to be like OP's DD and puts in the bare minimum because he can't see the point, and the other has turned out to be one that won't accept an 8 when working all hours might turn it into a 9.

I absolutely agree with what you're saying in principle, but it's not so easy to put it into practice when your DC think otherwise. And no amount of "not standing for" it is going to change things. Unless you're going to resort to throwing your 16 year old out or something similarly drastic, which will hardly improve matters. Sadly, not all 16 year olds are mature enough to realise that work now will pay dividends later. All you can do as a parent is guide; you can't force them to do anything.

@NextThreadPlease

If you had said the same to me a few years ago this would have been my response too - just make her do it and don't let her have all that freedom and then she will work. The realities of parenting a stubborn and underachieving teen are sadly very different. And believe me we have tried - being grounded did not result in any more work being done and was 4 weeks of hell for everyone. Yes possibly if we persevered she might suddenly become a consciousness student but frankly for the rest of my children and my own sanity, there was no way we could continue and whilst of course I want her to do well, her mental well-being is also my responsibility and locking her up (metaphorically!) did no one any favours.

I’d have still persevered with it. If they know you’ll give up, they’ll keep pushing til you do. I suppose it’s too late now. She’ll regret it when she’s 30 and probably struggling to pay the bills and realise the missed opportunities.
I’d be hoping she moved out as soon as possible, if she’s too cool for school and too cool to respect her parents and is disrupting her siblings lives, then my attitude would be, get out and see how cool you are on your own. It would break my heart but I couldn’t live with that attitude when I’d given her every opportunity.
Good luck, I really hope she turns things around.

I think you either don't have teenagers or you don't have experience with a particular type of teenager.

It really isn't that simple to make someone work hard. It really isn't. You can take away everything, give them no money to do anything but it still doesn't make them work hard and you end up just damaging your relationship.

GCSEs are important. Honestly, I'm a massive believer in education but there really is a limit to what you can do for someone is doesn't want to work.

I could have said exactly this about my DS. The reality of a disinterested teen caused me to act very differently to how the parenting manuals would dictate, without gaming and a social life my DS would have quit totally.
DS has always got 'just enough' to get to the next stage. Frustrating, because he has pretty good academic skills, just chooses not to focus them.
I just wanted to reassure you that, with 'just enough' GCSE's and a few C grades at A-level, he managed a 2.1 at a university he enjoyed and has now embarked on a well paid, management training scheme.
DS felt our expectations of him were unrealistically high, not least because his siblings did much better academically (and yes, he could have done equally well, if not better!).
My pearl of wisdom is that DS is happy, seemingly much happier than some of his high achieving peers who had stressful Uni experiences and have struggled to find a career path. Sometimes those undriven teens turn out to be mentally resilient and content.

I think we have to remeber that school really isn't the best atmosphere for learning for some. Everyone learns differently too. Plus, at 16 your brain is still forming. If they can do it at that age, great, but if not...they still have all the time in the world.