GCSE results - how to react to disappointing grades

[justcheckin22]

DD is doing very little revision and if her recent mocks are anything to go by, she will be very lucky to pass any, let alone all, her GCSEs.

This is obviously very disappointing particularly as up until two years ago she was predicted steady 5&6's possibly one 7 so some subjects better than others not particularly academic but quite capable. When lockdown hit she pretty much switched off and lost all interest and motivation in work. No concerns about her MH but she's discovered boys, parties, gaming and just won't engage with anything about her future, school work or what failing might mean (leaving school and probably most of her friends, not being able to take the gap year she's planning etc

I've been thinking recently about the practicalities of results day - if by some miracle she does scrape a pass and secure a place at 6th form (Btec so only needs APS of 3.5)I honestly think I'm going to struggle to be pleased for her when I know how little she's done and how much more she is capable of. She has a bee in her bonnet about us having too high expectations so I'm conscious of not being too down on her about any achievements but in all honesty, yes maybe few years ago we would talk about how a 5 could be a 6 with hard work but now, if she got 5 & 6's I'd be bloody ecstatic so just keen for her to pass.
Anyone been in this situation or have any pearls of wisdom?

I know it’s a bit controversial but have you thought of giving a cash incentive if she gets certain grades in various subjects so that she can go into to do whatever it is she wants to do next?

@Pinkbonbon

A lot of sixth forms have certain GCSE requirements.
Most employers want good passes in Maths and English, even Saturday shop jobs.
Universities look at them.
They made be needed for apprenticeships.

They are important.

My 16 was on a path to failure, until I casually pointed out that if you don't get the grades the college require I guess the army is the only option you'll have 🤷🏻‍♀️ funnily enough they passed with 5s and 6s after that!

I do have teenagers, one doing A levels and one still at secondary. Our oldest wasn’t ‘compliant’ and admits now he was lazy and needed boundaries and a bit of pushing. He’s glad we did that and is now very independent and thankfully life is easier. Our daughter doesn’t need pushing, she just gets on with it and I’m hoping that continues.

Thanks for the messages of solidarity for those that have either been there or are in it. My dd is very switched on, entrepreneurial and savvy - far more so than lots of her friends - so in the long run I'm sure she will be fine and find her way in life, but short term she needs to grow up, figure out what she wants to do and enjoy life so I'd like her to stay in education of some sort at least until 18.

And @NextThreadPlease as others have said, I can only assume you don't have a teenager or if you do/did, they weren't like this. We did all those things we assumed would develop into a good work ethic at primary age but it made bugger all difference this this dc. Added to which, I'm guessing you had the luxury of being around to supervise after school but when both parents are at work & not around to oversee lockdown learning you have to hope and trust they do the work and school will update you if there's an issue neither of which happened in our case. With no school assessments or parents evenings to gauge progress since year 9, we literally had no idea how disengaged she was until parents evening in September and then recent mocks. I have friends who I'm sure think they same as you - we should be stricter, I'd never let it happen, she'd be grounded forever etc but when it's your child and your life it often works out very differently.

@NextThreadPlease

If you had said the same to me a few years ago this would have been my response too - just make her do it and don't let her have all that freedom and then she will work. The realities of parenting a stubborn and underachieving teen are sadly very different. And believe me we have tried - being grounded did not result in any more work being done and was 4 weeks of hell for everyone. Yes possibly if we persevered she might suddenly become a consciousness student but frankly for the rest of my children and my own sanity, there was no way we could continue and whilst of course I want her to do well, her mental well-being is also my responsibility and locking her up (metaphorically!) did no one any favours.

I’d have still persevered with it. If they know you’ll give up, they’ll keep pushing til you do. I suppose it’s too late now. She’ll regret it when she’s 30 and probably struggling to pay the bills and realise the missed opportunities.
I’d be hoping she moved out as soon as possible, if she’s too cool for school and too cool to respect her parents and is disrupting her siblings lives, then my attitude would be, get out and see how cool you are on your own. It would break my heart but I couldn’t live with that attitude when I’d given her every opportunity.
Good luck, I really hope she turns things around.

And to answer your question she didn't know we were going to give up as we obviously didn't tell her it was going to be 4 weeks - we assumed after a week, maybe 2 she'd realise we meant business but over 4 weeks and nothing changed.

@NextThreadPlease

I do have teenagers, one doing A levels and one still at secondary. Our oldest wasn’t ‘compliant’ and admits now he was lazy and needed boundaries and a bit of pushing. He’s glad we did that and is now very independent and thankfully life is easier. Our daughter doesn’t need pushing, she just gets on with it and I’m hoping that continues.

Ok so you have teens well I stand corrected. But a few boundaries and a bit of pushing is a long way off where we were/are - I assume your son didn't disappear after school with his phone switched off until 9:30/10pm when you put a few boundaries in place? And when you gave him a push and got him sat down doing work, presumably he would actually do it? I'm not being goody but I have 3 other dc (2 older and 1 younger) and they all need boundaries and a push to achieve but I promise you this is really very different and if you want to retain any sort of relationship with your child you do have to learn to compromise along the way.

My dd is in Year 9 and the pandemic was horrendous for her. I discovered she deliberately skipped a large part of online learning, and was starting to slide down a path of enjoyment, parties, boyfriends, hanging out on street corners, and generally no motivation to do well. To the point, her grades were bottom 25% and she started school at the very top of her year. Last year, she was even suspended from school a a couple of days on a serious misdemeanor.

It's been a huge year of struggle, and the school has only been able to support within a limited capacity. I decided I had enough and drummed it into my daughter failure is not an option. Like I literally tell her, every morning, she is capable of reaching the universe. She IS a star, she's bonafide brilliant and she can be the best she wants the be so long as she does xyz TODAY. I tell her that every morning at breakfast.

I sought help from a Board Certified Behavioural Therapist to provide strategies in effective studies, to advise how best to communicate and building a growth mindset. I now limit phone access so no access to any devices online after 10:30pm and she gets it back next morning after chores, music practice and school work is done. But the subjects she was failing in, I've bought all the GCSE revision books and we go through it page by page, and I set her additional homework tasks from the revision books because school work provided is pretty crap at the moment. I pack in as much activities as possible even if it's watching a movie, renting the council tennis courts for £10an hour, piano practise. I pack in a busy schedule so that she is NOT pining for her phone. I personally sit with my dd 30mins a day to make sure it is all done.

Now this is really hard. Not every parent can tutor Physics or Chemistry, I work full time and I have another child to look after. And it's a draconian but honestly, after 8 weeks of this in place, I'm starting to turn a corner. As my dd is now believing she is already a success and that if she doesn't put the effort in, she realises she won't maintain this position.

It's too hard for my daughter to do this alone but I think intervention earlier means GCSEs later on won't be in such a panic!?

So many of your assumptions are wrong. Never mind though. Good luck.

Well I got all As and Bs at GCSE and my mums first reaction was 'is that it, where are the A*s I know you were capable?' So don't do that!

OP, I really do sympathise. Know that there is always an option to retake GCSEs. It's not THE end. My niece dropped out of school aged 15 and ended up with no GCSEs.. however off her own back, she redid a tiny handful of core subjects and now she's just graduated with a Masters of Law at University aged 23. Sometimes they need time to figure out themselves and hitting rock bottom is what they need but I do think a strong parental guidance and influence to never give up is super important. In my neices case, her parents said they wouldn't be supporting her anymore and having worked at minimum wage whilst her friends landed good jobs, apprenticeships and college made her feel alienated. Hope that helps and that things turn around for your dd.

I would try to get her to work out what she wants to do after GCSEs as soon as possible. Leave some careers leaflets and college prospectuses around and see if you can get her interested in something. Find out what options there are locally to get maths and English qualifications. Do you have any friends or family who could let her do some work experience.

If she gets bad results I wouldn't react other that agreeing with her if she wants some sympathy and reassuring her that she will still have options. Asking her how she feels or showing any disappointment would be mean.
I'd treat it as a challenge and problem that you are going to help her overcome.
The fact she is savvy and entrepreneurial is brilliant.

One of my kids has a PhD is a stem subject and has not one ounce of savvy'ness 😭😭

Has she got the cpg revision books for her subjects? could you get her to do an hour a day, rotating subjects so she does about 3 x 20 mins on different subjects going through the books. I find them so helpful to have all the info in one book rather than them trying to understand the notes they have (or haven't) taken.

Agree with previous poster. It's not too late. Buy the revision books and practise practise exam questions. YouTube videos is also really good. But your dd needs to want to do this. And we're talking hours and hours of revision. Can you bring a tutor in to help cram?

Asking if she is happy is the same as saying you aren't happy imo. I think saying "great you got the grades to do your Btec"
and congratulation her. If she doesn't scrape that then that's an issue, but just say you did your best, we can have a rethink of want you do next or retake and try again. Honestly comparing to friends will make her realise. Be proud of her achievements whatever they are.

It sounds infuriating to know your DD is capable of getting what she needs to but is choosing not to see it/is self-sabotaging so runs the risk of not achieving. Has she already applied for college and sixth form places? I know DC1's applications were in about this time last year. I'm also aware that for one of my DNs, being rejected by the college they'd planned to go to has been something of a rude awakening. As a result, they're in a panic but have decided to/reluctantly accepted pull their finger out when it comes to English x2, maths and science so they stand a chance of coming away with five GCSEs at 4/5. They're only doing this because they are motivated by money and outraged by the low pay offered to level 2 apprenticeships; getting five GCSEs should mean they can access level 3 apprenticeships or other qualifications... which will ultimately mean more money for partying.

Will your DD discuss the situation at all? I wonder if she'd be able to respond to a conversation in which you said you'd been thinking about results day, you want it to be a day she gets the results she needs but also that you want your reaction to be right too. Could you explain that your priority is making sure she's content with what she gets on the day so she has options, but you're aware that concern comes across as having high expectations? Maybe ask her to let you know which subjects she's going to focus on so they can be the ones you focus on too and offer to not bring up the other subjects? If she won't talk about it, might she respond to a letter or text? Would you be able to offer a bit of time each day when you can test her on stuff, watch Mr Bruff videos, sit with her whilst she does some Seneca chapters? One of those magazine style quizzes laid out with options or tick box options might be a way for her to process what you're offering without either of you feeling put on the spot.

I would prioritize sitting with her, helping her make and execute a plan. Making sure she actually has the skills she needs for organisation, revision and exam questions. Not easy to do when she probably doesn't want your help but procrastination and disengagement can often be masks for underlying lack of confidence. If she's sitting at a desk for 2 hours not achieving much, maybe a handhold will work better than either carrot or stick.

Maybe it is pure lack of motivation, but I tend to err on the side of assuming there is a "can't" in there somewhere. Whether I'm right or wrong that helps me mentally frame myself as a helper and cheerleader, on her side. My Y11 responds to this, but of course they are all different and you know your DD best.

OP. If I were you I might now be getting a little frustrated at the posters giving you ideas on how to help, which isn't what you asked, rather than on how to make your peace with it and react appropriately, which is what you did ask.

I know they mean well, but there comes a point when your relationship with your DC is more important than exams. If you aren't there yet then you have received lots of ideas to try, but if you are, then detach, help if asked, and then be around to pick up the pieces later.

I would go at this from a different angle and tell her how much you love her and you want the best for her to be able to afford (insert things that matter to her now like clothes/phones/holidays/out with your mates for meals/evenings) but she will possibly, possibly have a lower paid job which means she won't be able to afford to do those things.

There is a Friend's episode where 3 of them can't afford a birthday night out and 3 of them can because they have better paid jobs.

I would also tell her that at some point she will have to move out of the house as you don't live with your parents and you want her to be able to afford somewhere nice, not some grotty place. Explain to her all the things she will have to pay when she has her own place. Does she know about council tax or insurance, how much broadband costs? You are telling her this because you love her. Of course you want her to be happy and have fun etc but her school work also needs to be thought about.

As for reaction to results day, tell her now that you are hoping for the best for her and you hope she is happy with herself on results day.

Does she need help with how to revise? I think for some kids it’s so daunting they stick their head in the sand.

Could you afford tutors/revision boot camp. Would she engage?

There's some smug twattery being espoused here none of which helps because it's blaming the OP for something that can't now be changed.

When my daughter was in primary and I apologised for being too busy with work to have helped with the homework that week the teacher replied that she should be responsible for her own learning and not rely on a parent. Goodness knows why the OP is somehow expected to drop everything else in order to force a reluctant teen to 'picture themselves penniless and full of regret in 30 years'.

GCSEs are important only to get her to the next stage of what she wants to do. If she wants to be a doctor then she is in trouble as things stand. If she has her heart set on the BTEC then so long as she gets the grades for that it doesn't really matter. My only issue would be ensuring she gets the minimum in English and maths if at all possible because that does restrict things in the future (but can always be retaken of course).

Stop writing children off at 16. Not everyone is academic and not every child will follow the approach that might have worked in your own specific circumstances.

It's so hard - I feel you need to step back and let them live their mistakes... but I know from stuffing up my degree she will regret it!

Maybe try to talk about it - ask if she's anxious and not engaging as a coping strategy? That's what happened with me, basically. If you mess up results you have to work much harder down the line to repair your damage. I'd try to support with offers of help, or encourage her to face the revision - even if it's really worrying her - as it always feels better to get on and do things. If I notice now I'm procrastinating or flitting between things I need to do then I'll take it as a wake up call; I'll get things on a list and just doggedly start working through. Even if you have a lot to get done it's the only way to meaningfully make a dent in it all.

We told DS who was doing very similar that it was fine if he didn't do well as he could always do resits the next year. He quickly started working. Also we limit gaming.

@TeenPlusCat

OP. If I were you I might now be getting a little frustrated at the posters giving you ideas on how to help, which isn't what you asked, rather than on how to make your peace with it and react appropriately, which is what you did ask.

I know they mean well, but there comes a point when your relationship with your DC is more important than exams. If you aren't there yet then you have received lots of ideas to try, but if you are, then detach, help if asked, and then be around to pick up the pieces later.

I agree. Your relationship is more important. I think we place too much importance on results - when what really matters is being happy. And the people I know who completely failed their exams - it didn’t really matter in the end