Moving school at beginning of Y10

[christinarossetti19]

First day back today, another child's bullying of my dd has continued from Y9.

Dd very upset and, based on experiences last year, sadly don't have faith in the school to actually do something about it.

Having spent the summer counselling dd to give Y10 a go, it looks like moving schools is going to be the only option.

Dd wants to move to feel safer, but there's a GCSE that she's doing that she can only do at her current school and she has friends there.

Has anyone else moved their child successfully in Y10? I feel very angry and upset she's the one who has to face the disruption, but she's agreeable that if the school aren't going to take action, we will have to.

I’m so sorry OP
Unfortunately it looks like moving is the best option, as long as the new school will at least consider which set she will be in BUT if she’s now in set 3 won’t they just put here there too?
My DD sounds very similar to yours and thankfully we were able to partly resolve things (although she never felt the same about the school again) and get her through GCSEs.
Best of luck

Oh @christinarossetti19 I'm sorry. IME schools will always gaslight if it makes the problem go away. DD must feel so let down by them. I hope, over time, she can see getting out of the situation as a good thing.

Are you going to be honest with new school about reasons for moving? We were and it really helped them frame things positively for our DD.

Thanks both.

I have no idea about setting/options in new school. But her brother is there and I do have faith in their capacity to care about children as individuals and do the right thing by them.

I'd imagine they'd do some internal assessment re: sets, which would be absolutely fine and lead to to dd being in whatever set is appropriate.

Yes, I am going to be honest with the new school about the reasons for moving. Not slagging off current school, but focusing on the effect that it had had on dd.

If you make a formal complaint it should be flagged to governors and Ofsted. This might get them to buck their ideas up in the future, even if it's too late for your DD. Has the current school offered her any counselling?

I moved at the beginning of Y10, it was due to a house move but it did move me away from bullies and honestly it was a dream of a fresh start. I came out of my shell and developed a good lot of healthy friendships.

BlueChampagne the school has blocked me escalating this past HoY despite several attempts.

I have no faith in their processes and it wouldn't surprise me if none of the incidents were recorded/identified as bullying.

She said that when she met with HoY last week, he said that he would show the other girl the Anti-Bullying policy. Dd said (to me) that she thought they'd have done that already and that 'they never call it bullying'.

Sunday morning email from HoY was very keen to point out that he hadn't said this, just that the Anti-Bullying policy applied to all students and any further incidents yada, yada. 'Hope there was no confusion about this'.

Dd said he's lying. Whether he is or not, he was very, very keen that the words 'bullying' and this other child were not mentioned in the same sentence.

When I have dd sorted, I may make a formal complaint exactly to try to prevent another child going through this, but don't have the headspace for more gaslighting or stonewalling at the moment.

No, dd has not been offered any support by the school.

Thinking about it, I imagine it's because they've been so keen to minimise/ignore it, if they offered support it would be acknowledging that there is actually something causing her great distress.

That's shit, Christina I'm sorry. DD may feel.hurt by it now, but a move away from a school that so obviously doesn't have her best interests at heart may be just what she needs.

My DD's school wouldn't say "bullying" either. It would have meant they had to do something instead of sweeping it under the carpet.

Yes. I spoke with the Admissions person at hopefully new school today. She wasn't sure about whether there were places as all managed via the council. Got an email from the council last night indicating that the application is being processed under distance criteria as they don't have a sibling policy, which I knew. It's not yet showing up on the 'check your child's place on waiting list' system.

Emailed school again today saying that dd is refusing to go in and could someone please advise on the school's procedures in this situation.

No response as yet. They didn't reply to similar email yesterday which feels slightly unreal tbh.

The Admissions person I spoke to said that as it's a local school and not an obvious reason for a transfer eg relocation, if/when a place comes up they speak with the previous school and family to try to avoid an in-year transfer. I do think that's usually the best thing for a child tbh, and it's obvious safeguarding so that children can't school hope without some notice being taken of it.

Kicking myself now that I didn't apply before the summer holiday tbh, but I honestly hadn't seen her current school not being willing to even have a dialogue about her academics ie what kids actually go to school for coming.

On Sunday, dd listed all the issues that had happened in her class over the last three years and all the support that had been put in place for children affected.

It was heart-breaking to see her realise how utterly let down she has been.

Your poor DD. Fingers crossed for you both. There's always the Ofsted website. I can't see how they can stop you contacting the chair of governors directly either. Can quite understand that you haven't got headspace for it right now.

Just received phone call from HoY asking how dd was and would she be willing to speak on the phone with him and meet tomorrow.

Dd refused although I will go into to speak face to face tomorrow.

Had a reasonably productive discussion in which I said that I was fully aware that the school hadn't at any point actually addressed the behaviour as bullying, despite it clearly ticking all the boxes. And that I have no interest in the internal politics of the school and their decision to do that, but only in how it has affected dd who has indisputably experienced it as bullying.

She is apparently in 'second set'. I said that I don't care what number set she's in as long as she's learning something. Additionally, during the worst of the bullying last term, she was in classes/sets with friends who wouldn't stand up to the bullying as they were scared but didn't side with the bully. She's now in a situation where the only two kids she knows in her class are allies with the bullies (one of them was involved in stirring it all up) while she is fully aware that her friends are all in classes together. This level of isolation isn't okay for her.

He said he is 'confused' about the time-tabling across the year etc (he's just come from a different school) but will look into things later on today.

I agreed that Y10 time-tabling is a nightmare.

Not sure if anyone is still following this, but it's helping me to write it down.

Had meeting today with HoY (who is also Assistant Head, first SLT position which I'd guessed) and another of the Assistant Heads.

They agreed that they will look into how incidents were recorded in the summer term and whether they were recorded as bullying. Jolly good. That will either beg the question as to why they're not recorded as bullying or why there was no action taken about the bullying, including my dd being offered no support.

I explained the problem with her having been moved away from her friends. They've put children in 'core' classes so children are in the same class for maths, English, Science, PE, RS and CPSHE. This is approx 2/3 of the school time-table. Dd is, for the first time, in a class where she has no friends. She had two allies in classes last year and they are in another class together.

The only two children she knows in her current class are allies with the bully (because they're scared of her). Don't I think dd will make new friends? Unfortunately not, as she's lost a lot of social confidence and she knows that all the other children are scared of the bully.

I pointed out that dd is too embarrassed to talk to her friends about the bullying and has gradually withdrawn and become very isolated.

They asked me if I had taken dd to the GP 'for her anxiety'. I said that dd needed to be a school where she felt safe, was learning something, had friends and that was able to follow its own policies - that's not a medical problem. I mentioned that I worked in mental health which shut down that line of gaslighting quite quickly.

When I said that dd had just about coped with being in school last term because she had friends in her class and was now separate, the other Assistant Head scoffed.

They started talking about 'support' ie counselling they could offer. I suggested that there was no point in doing that until we'd worked out a way to get dd back to school if that was possible. No, I didn't think that dd going in 'for the odd lesson' was a good idea.

Dd is very aware that all sort of accommodations have been made for other children for various reasons over the years that she's been in the school (as they should be) and that, frankly, if the school care about her they will find a way of moving her.

I said that if this does happen and dd does return to this school, it's important to her and me that her experience of being bullied is acknowledged and validated.

No news on transfer but current school did agree to put work on Google classroom and I will continue to pursue transfer.

I want dd to move as she's been treated so carelessly by her current school. Dd wants to stay if she can be moved to a class where she has friends and actually learn something, have some support around having been bullied and knows there is a clear plan should there be further occurrences.

They'll get back to me sometime late tomorrow.

Hi
Yes I am still following
It sounds like it should have been a productive meeting but wasn’t as the school still won’t accept there is an issue.
Do you still feel the transfer is the best option? How does DD feel about it?

Thanks - it helps to know someone's interested, truly.

DD wants to stay if she can move to classes where she is with her friends and actually learning something, if she has some support around the bullying she's experienced and assurances that there is a clear plan if it occurs again.

I want her to move as she's been treated so carelessly by the school, but will support her decision.

I started the meeting by saying that I wasn't interested in pursuing what had or hadn't happened last term, more that we focus on whether/how it is possible to get a child who has experienced bullying back into school. Her being in classes with friends would be a good start for example.

I'm expecting them to say that no they can't move her as there isn't room but if she works hard she can get moved up and have I thought about her going on a 'how to make new friends' course tbh.

They sound utterly useless and unfortunately I think you need to move her. Some schools like to victim blame
The point where I lost my shit was when DD was being bullied because a boy who was interested in her (not mutually, she had made that very clear) was supposed to be in a relationship with another girl which led to this girl bullying DD.
The HOY said to me “well DD WAS seen talking to him”

I sent an email asking about Google classroom work (I appreciate it will take a bit of time) and how dd can access it.

I asked if it were possible that it be pitched at an appropriate level so that dd wasn't using her time in Y10 covering material that she had learnt in primary school. Dd laughed and gave it the okay so I sent it.

Thing is, she's actually doing okay at the moment for the same reasons that she was on Saturday - that she believes that the school will finally take it seriously, do something to support her and ensure that she's in the correct set.

I honestly do hope that they will for her sake - it would do her so much good for her experience to be validated in some way, but find it hard to have faith.

@Hoppinggreen

They sound utterly useless and unfortunately I think you need to move her. Some schools like to victim blame The point where I lost my shit was when DD was being bullied because a boy who was interested in her (not mutually, she had made that very clear) was supposed to be in a relationship with another girl which led to this girl bullying DD. The HOY said to me “well DD WAS seen talking to him”

Yes, we've had that.

'Well, I saw dd with her friends at lunch time and she looked fine.'

I do get that sometimes things blow over and 'watch and wait' is often the best tack, but this is something very different.

Well DD did stay but she no longer trusted the school so as long as your DD hasn’t got to that stage and they sort things out it sounds like she may not have to change schools

What an appalling situation. Sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to acknowledge the level of effort you are putting into addressing this situation. It's a disgrace, and I hope you get thing s sorted one way or another before too long.

CloudPop yes, it still almost doesn't seem real, that 'model child' dd (which is just how she is her db isn't quite as cut out for school) is in this situation.

It's not the bullying per se - the bully is a child who is also being let down by a load of adults cowering about the situation. It's the neglect and incompetence by the adults, coupled with the lying and gaslighting that makes it so unpalatable.

I've seen this from your side, @christinarossetti19 and it's heartbreaking. We too had "DD seems perfectly happy when I see her in class": yes, because she's masking madly and they can't call her "it" in front of the teacher.

You are doing all the right things to support your daughter, and her faith in the school.is touching.

I wouldn't trust them as far as you could throw the HoY.

Yes, she knows that they've dealt with this very poorly etc but has friends there and said that she could cope if she was with them.

I think she's right actually. That's what got her through last term. If she had known that she'd be separated from her friends in Y10, she would have been agreeable to moving before summer.

I don't trust them at all, which is why I want her to move. However, if a miracle happens and they are actually able to think about dd, the effect the bullying has had on her and that she underperformed in the summer because of this rather than because she forgot how to read and write, I will support her to stay if that wants she wants to do.

Still here too and hoping you can get something concrete sorted soon. If your DD is able to move, I hope she will still be able to see her old friends outside school.

What she has? She could by correspondence online or with a tutor

What gcse is it