DD wants to move from private to state

[SakaSpuds]

DD (13) is at a very good mixed independent school.

She's asked whether we'd consider sending her to a state school instead. She's quite left wing and I think this is what's motivating it.

I've said I'll look into it but I wondered what other people thought? Issues for me are:

• the local state schools nearby are substantially less good than her current school in terms of results (at her current school, 93% of GCSEs are 7,8 or 9, whereas at our best local state it's about 25%)

• the facilities are much worse as is the range of subjects offered. I'm not sure she appreciates how different certain aspects will be.

• I haven't talked to DD about this yet but of course the local state may be oversubscribed, in which case it may not even be possible or she may end up somewhere much further away. (I haven't looked into any of this yet- we've only just started talking about it.)

• On the other hand, I respect her views and think it's an admirable position.

Struggling to see whether, as her mum, it's my job to get her the best education I can (which would mean staying where she was, which is what I would prefer) and she can make her choices for her own kids, if she has them, later. Or should I be letting her decide this?

(In terms of other reasons she might want to leave, she's in quite an intense group of friends at her current school- lots of dramas and issues- and I think she's finding that all a bit stressful. Not sure moving schools is necessarily going to help with that.)

I'd be very concerned about how accepted she'd be if she moved. Moving schools is really hard socially, if you're likeable you disrupt the existing dynamic and popular people see you as competition if you connect less easily it's hard to break into well formed social groups. Add to the mix you've transferred from private school (and explain those reasons without sounding totally patronising) and it could be a loooong time before she is socially comfortable which would impact her education.

Think that’s quite doom and gloom. At dds state all girl comp several new girls started in year 8 and were quickly assimilated into existing nice friendship groups. One is dds main friend now. Think some were from private schools but that was irrelevant. Things have changed from our day.

I wouldn’t move her, let her get a really good set of GCSEs and let her move for sixth form if she still feels the same.
I went to a crappy state and would have loved a private education. It will set her up for life

Also agree she’s too young to understand the consequences of the decision

I think I would say she can definitely choose 6th form

She's 13 - very much still in a transition phase from child to adult at best and in reality cannot possibly have any real understanding or experience of the potential impact of these sorts of choices (for better or worse).

I would absolutely not be substituting my parental judgement for hers on a matter like this - you need to take a clear-eyed look at the situation for yourself. Given what you've said about the local state school results, facilities and the fact she's happy where she is, I'm surprised you're even considering this.

If you don't really agree with private education yourself and sort of wish you hadn't done it, then by all means remove her, but don't use her fledgling politics as the reason to hide behind. At this age is very much your responsibility to decide what is best for her in terms of things of this scale, not effectively put the responsibility on her shoulders by just going along with what she asks for.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I hope you understand where I'm coming from!

I would say it is a decision she gets to make with her own children.

It's up to you where she goes to school, not her. Tell her you've looked into it and the local state school is full.

Wow, your child is me! I did exactly this, at 13, partly because of politics. And for years I stuck to my guns that it was the right decision.

But actually, with maturity - it wasn't. I was a very bright child and the private school was steering me towards probably going into the sciences, I loved them, although I was also good as languages, writing and loved art. I was often top of the class in several subjects (I know this as they tested us often). But I was bored, and although I had friends, I didn't feel I fitted in.

I had a great time at the state school, made friends and found the life and excitement I craved. Discovered weed, acid and partying, had a wonderful time. Academically I coasted. I passed my GCSEs on my intelligence and the education I'd received at the private school, not work. I became really unstuck at A-level and got terrible marks. I didn't get into any of the universities I'd applied for as a result and went to a local ex-poly through clearing, but I only lasted a semester, I was distracted by partying and had totally lost my work ethic.

I was so very bored at 13, I needed change, my life felt so controlled. The private school rules felt so stifling. But my home life was boring too, it never occurred to me that I could change that. I wonder now, if the adults and I had had more conversations to get to the real root of the problem, if we could have come up with different solutions to me leaving a school I was excelling at.

I've had a rich and varied life in terms of experiences and have some wonderful friends. But I've never achieved anything much career wise. Which is not what you would have expected had you known me aged 12.

I don't think it's at all true that bright children thrive anywhere. My son is at a school that reminds me a lot of the state school I was at. It's an OK school, not good or bad, but they're letting him coast. He's bright and they're not encouraging him or stimulating him enough. I'd send him private if I could afford it, against my socialist principles. I'm considering moving to a place with a better school but as I don't have much money it's a bit tricky.

Having said all that, what would have happened if I stayed? I don't know, it's easy to imagine it all would have been great but I don't know that really, do it?!

Having said all that, if my child was having serious problems with friendship groups and really wanted to change school, I'd send him to the equally average other secondary down the road in an instant.

Easy decision to make though, if there isn't much difference in schools.

I think what strikes me, about but my own experience and your OP is how little the grown ups in this situation have explored what's really going on, and explored solutions to the problem.

Not a criticism of you, but a suggestion for a way forward. Talk to her, really listen to her, and take time to explore other possible solutions to the problem.

Wanting to change school is a quite possibly an expression of deep unhappiness with her current situation. Find out more about the real problem before jumping to solutions, is my advice.

I don't think it's at all true that bright children thrive anywhere.

Completely agree with this. A child can be completely crushed by the wrong school.

My son is at a school that reminds me a lot of the state school I was at. It's an OK school, not good or bad, but they're letting him coast. He's bright and they're not encouraging him or stimulating him enough. I'd send him private if I could afford it,

We had the same issue. So undertook a huge amount of investigation. From a position of pure optimism we managed to get a child from yr6 through to A' levels on really substantial bursaries at (very, very good) independent schools.

As I repeat endlessly - the only people who get bursaries are those who apply.

I went to a private school that I hated and came out with stellar qualifications. And mental health problems and rock bottom self esteem.

There is an awful lot to be said for being happy at school. It's much easier to get more qualifications later in life (if you need to) then it is to rebuild self esteem and self confidence and recover from depression.

Many children have friendship issues in Year 8, but very few of them actively ask to change schools. I do think OP needs to look more closely into the "why".

How strong minded is she? My parents wanted to send me to private school as they thought I'd do better there - passed the exam - but I was 100% adamant I wanted to go to a state school. Our state school wasn't the best but I was determined to show them that I could still do the best. Ended up with 9 As at GCSE and place a a great state sixth form for A levels, then onto university. Some kids are super single minded and principled (even at age 11) and sometimes parents need to respect that.

@33feethighandrising that's such a thoughtful response. Thank you.

I had a chat with DD last night and get the impression that she feels less strongly about this than I first thought. I looked into places yesterday and it turns out that there are no secondary places in our borough at all, so moving would mean taking whatever was available in another borough- not something I would agree to. When I said this, she seemed relieved rather than anything, and I wonder whether she thinks she ought to want to leave but actually doesn't at all.

We've left it that we'll think again when it comes to sixth form- if she still wants to leave we can look into both state and other independent options at that point.

A couple of people have asked whether I feel ambivalent about sending her to a private school. I don't at all. I think it's admirable when people try to live in accordance with their views, even if I don't share the views (within limits, obviously!)

@0None0

Poor girl. Why force her into a private education she does not want? You may be only able to see advantages, but there are massive disadvantages too, in terms of personal development, respect, self respect, confidence, social acceptance, general world view and understanding. Many people are left disabled for life by private education Let her go state

Oh stop it what a load of rubbish. My two dds are in an all girl private school and they focus on self respect, confidence, they actually teach a class for personal development, they celebrate female historical figures, writers and scientists. Its a incredible school, my kids are thriving and they are very lucky to be able to go there.

Many people left disabled by private schools? What on earth are you talking about?

[quote SakaSpuds]@33feethighandrising that's such a thoughtful response. Thank you.

I had a chat with DD last night and get the impression that she feels less strongly about this than I first thought. I looked into places yesterday and it turns out that there are no secondary places in our borough at all, so moving would mean taking whatever was available in another borough- not something I would agree to. When I said this, she seemed relieved rather than anything, and I wonder whether she thinks she ought to want to leave but actually doesn't at all.

We've left it that we'll think again when it comes to sixth form- if she still wants to leave we can look into both state and other independent options at that point.

A couple of people have asked whether I feel ambivalent about sending her to a private school. I don't at all. I think it's admirable when people try to live in accordance with their views, even if I don't share the views (within limits, obviously!)[/quote]
OP my daughter (now 25) wanted to dye her beautiful red hair jet black when she was 15. I said no. We laugh about it now as she's glad I said no. As parents we get to look in to the future and make the right call to protect our kids.

Your 13 year old should not be making very important life decisions about her education. Private education is a massive investment in to your childs future life. All she is thinking about is right here and now. Its lovely she is starting to have independent thoughts but she still is a child that needs guidance.

I did my A levels with lots of formerly privately educated students at college. The reason they went to a state college is because the college had better results than their school 6th forms.

In most cases it was their choice to move and in a handful of cases it was lucky they did as one of their parents lost their job/business started struggling.

So I would simply tell your daughter that when she is 16 and doing A levels she can move to the state system if she wants. Until then it is your choice where she is educated.

And actually it would be better for her university-wise if she did. (You may still have to get her private tuition.)

I did this at 16 and it worked really well for me.
I started 6th form as I was rather than with the history of previous years. I had the opportunity to reinvent myself. I found 'my people' and honestly had a great time.

Also knowing I helped my mind finances made me feel good and less guilty about occasionally asking for things. I got a Saturday job as did most of my peers and I felt very accepted.

Don't be too afraid of it if she does continue to think about this in the future.

I was given a choice of state or private, and I chose state. However, my state school was an excellent one, I was very academically motivated and I don't think I would have done much better at a private school. A couple of my cousins went to my option of private school and I actually did better in both O and A levels than both of them, and got a place at a top university.
A state school like the one you describe doesn't sound like nearly as good an option as private.

Slightly different but I was at a state comprehensive school and offered a place at a state grammar school at the same age as you DD. I didn't want to leave the comprehensive even though I was miserable there. Parents made me move even though I cried and cried about it. It was the best decision for me. I thrived and never looked back.

From personal experience I think parents often know best in these situations.

Find another private school option and ask if she’d consider that - should tell you if it’s really her friends that are the issue.

If it is her friends and moving school will help her reset - making sure she has a plan for how to do that - and going to another private where people move around for work etc. Could work.

I think it depends on what you mean by 'education'. Results? Or a broad, well rounded school life where the society you find within the school mirrors the society outside the school.
If it helps at all DH and I both went to very top indie's and love what our DC are getting at our local comp - it goes waaaaayyyyy beyond exam results.

I am moving my children from state to private as our local state school is awful. They are not happy about it but I think this is one of those occasions when parents have to decide what is best. It's tough though especially as it's a stretch economically. I just hope they'll accept it. I think you should do what you think is best for her education.

By the way some people are speaking on here you'd think sending your kid to state school is something akin to sending them down the mines!

@seeingdots I know - these posters always make me giggle. I have been in some utterly dire private schools and seen some incredible state schools (and v.v). How 93% of the population don’t end up in jail I just don’t know.