Dulwich College a “breeding ground for sexual predators”

[rosemary201]

Another day, another school
Interestingly, the first letter from a boy

Dulwich College is today accused of being a “breeding ground for sexual predators” in an open letter organised by a former schoolboy that contains more than 100 anonymous accounts of assault, harassment and sharing intimate photos online.

The letter, written by Samuel Schulenburg, 19, a former pupil at the south London private school, said “experiences of assault, revenge pornography and slut shaming were exacerbated by ... young men who ... laughed at stories of sexual violence”.

His letter includes about 100 anonymous testimonies written by girls who went to neighbouring schools, such as James Allen’s Girls’ School (Jags). One claims there was “an established rape culture” at the school.

@strugglinginswlondon Our comp doesn't seem to have got a mention in Everyone's Invited, but we got an email on the last day of term;

"The school has started planning to consider the significant issues raised following the appalling death of Sarah Everard, the Everyone’s Invited campaign, misogyny and male violence. Over the next few weeks, we will be working with staff, students and external agencies to develop lessons, resources, conversations and assemblies focused on sexual harassment and sexism. As the DfE has said we need to consider a curriculum that reflects the diversity of views and backgrounds, while fostering all pupils’ respect for others, and an understanding of what healthy and mutually respectful relationships are. Important issues such as personal privacy, consent and challenging stereotypes about gender are part of the guidance to ensure more young people have a better understanding of how to behave towards their peers, including online."

All the children have also been given the NSPCC line details.

I think all good schools will be doing similar, but if it isn't reinforced at home what hope to us Mums of girls have?

[quote Oohhhbetty]@strugglinginswlondon Our comp doesn't seem to have got a mention in Everyone's Invited, but we got an email on the last day of term;

"The school has started planning to consider the significant issues raised following the appalling death of Sarah Everard, the Everyone’s Invited campaign, misogyny and male violence. Over the next few weeks, we will be working with staff, students and external agencies to develop lessons, resources, conversations and assemblies focused on sexual harassment and sexism. As the DfE has said we need to consider a curriculum that reflects the diversity of views and backgrounds, while fostering all pupils’ respect for others, and an understanding of what healthy and mutually respectful relationships are. Important issues such as personal privacy, consent and challenging stereotypes about gender are part of the guidance to ensure more young people have a better understanding of how to behave towards their peers, including online."

All the children have also been given the NSPCC line details.

I think all good schools will be doing similar, but if it isn't reinforced at home what hope to us Mums of girls have?[/quote]
Your last sentence is everything ...

I hope the government change the darn curriculum too.

@strugglinginswlondon I think most schools cover these topics extensively anyway, my DD"s certainly come home telling me about the amazing PHSE they do and what they talk about, and the boys are attending the same lectures and lessons and debates so they know this too. Someone up thread who works in indy schools described the amazing program they put on, and the fact that it had almost no effect on behaviour.

Porn is addictive, phones are addictive. I think maybe boys are just powerless - as they say in the AA 12 steps "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
Maybe it is the same for young boys with porn and phones. Maybe they just can't manage the addiction? Maybe we have to accept the addiction is bigger than what they can control?
My Sister in Law was telling me that a psychologist told her that an 11 year old watching porn suffers trauma damage to the brain that cannot be undone. Where do you go from there?

@Oohhhbetty I have been pondering the porn thing for a while, and your post, while depressing is certainly food for thought.

Interestingly, my teen DD has had some impressive PSHE lessons yet still apparently boys watch porn in her year, often within school hours. We've got a whole range of mountains to climb.

@strugglinginswlondon
This is what the NHS says;
What is sex addiction?
Relationship counselling service Relate describes sex addiction as any sexual activity that feels "out of control". This could be sex with a partner, but it can also mean activities such as pornography, masturbation, visiting prostitutes or using chat lines.

For most people, these behaviours don't cause any serious problems. But some people are unable to control these urges and actions, despite the difficulties they may cause in their relationships, finances and professional lives.

Some people may also have a dependency on sex and sexual activity to numb any negative emotions and difficult experiences. This can have a negative effect on the person's quality of life and on those around them.

My worry is that if we don’t keep talking about this then nothing will change. The greatest power we have as parents is against the schools where a bad reputation will result in loss prestige (such as with these big name schools) and possibly income. I hope that unnamed privates and state schools watch closely and also act.
So often we see a big movement and a brief uprising that peters out to nothing .

When people have young brains they are very vulnerable to anything the equivalent of mainlining. Porn is the mainlining version of sex.

There has been a discussion today on another thread of an porn promoting video linked to childlike.

Would it be possible to at least have no smartphones in school?

Would be possible to drastically cut down access to porn sites?

Do you think DC only access porn in school? That genie is well and truly out of the bottle. It’s educating DC to not want to watch it. Not having a phone on in school won’t stop anything.

Who is going to control the web? It appears impossible. We don’t control anything.

I'd certainly welcome a smartphone ban in school.

The same physiologist who talked to my sister in law about brain trauma also said to her that if you can say one thing to your boys then tell them not to watch the strange kinky porn as that will effect their brains for life. It’s a bit like drinking perhaps - saying to children don’t ever drink is unlikely to work - it alienates them. Teaching them about wisdom of staying off spirits and having eg beer instead is educating them instead of alienating them.
If you say to a boy ‘don’t ever watch porn’ will it work? I don’t have sons so can’t really comment.

@PresentingPercy if you can't access something addictive for most of the day, at times it can help with moderating behaviour. Not always but to some extent.

For parents who control screen time at home (for instance a strict policy of no screens in bedrooms after a cut-off point at night) having no screens at school could be an effective dual approach potentially.

I don't think you have to say, don't watch porn. Don't become addicted to porn and don't watch violent porn is much more realistic.

@SouthLondonMommy
I think you are right - parents need to use the words 'addiction' and 'porn' together, so that boys know that this is potentially as addictive as class A drugs and smoking. That it will change their brains forever, and that it will potentially spoil their ability to enjoy sex with real partners once they get to that stage. That there is help from the NHS for porn addiction for teenagers, and that they will utilise it if it gets to a level where the boys are overusing it.
Not easy conversations for Mums of boys. But then the conversations I have had with my girls the last few weeks have not been easy either.

@Oohhhbetty "Not easy conversations for Mums of boys" - I know this is mumsnet but why is it down to me as a woman/mother to fix this?
Why are we not holding fathers accountable too?

@dongray My husband speaks to my daughters all the time about difficult things, I only used word mums because the posters on this thread have been mums. Parents/carers/ heck even grandparents can talk to boys about porn addiction and sexual harassment, whatever works.

I do think independent schools should rewrite their policies and have stricter suspension/expulsion criteria based on any conduct on school buses/social media/in public outside school - that is what I would like to see coming out of this. I know they have an inherent conflict because they need the school fees and are desperate to uphold their reputation. I would go as far as saying that the school buses should have CCTV footage that is kept. That will be a sufficient deterrent to plenty of boys. It is a question of they have gotten away with poor pack mentality for far too long and I would go as far as saying that it has invaded our politics to some extent/City life etc. - it has to stop now. It was very prevalent in the 90s when I grew up and was a teenager. I had hoped that with wokism it had become less rather than more prevalent but clearly porn/social media has exacerbated the problem. I am pretty sure that the male parents of many of these teenage boys are probably subtly encouraging poor behaviour due to their own past behaviour. It is good a light has been shone on schools because this is where it starts and then continues later in life, in more subtle ways for young women, ethnic minorities etc. In the work place - anyone not in that inner macho, male circle. Because if so many girls have had a poor and intimidating sexual experience at a young age, it undermines their confidence and self worth for life.

I think you're right @Musicdilemma. The training to be part of that 'macho inner circle' starts very young. I still recall to this day the time we were in a playground in a very affluent neighbourhood. DS (toddler at the time) was patiently awaiting his turn for the slide. Some dad (very much of the City type) encouraged his similarly aged DS to just barge to the head of the queue. The DS did it and was rewarded with lots of positive 'you're the best' type banter. It was that encouragement to indulge in alpha male activity at such a young age that just shocked me to the core.

@NewModelArmyMayhem18
You are so right about that city type attitude, and we see it in the current crop of political leaders - I think when children are being prepared for these very elite schools, they are aware that they are being primed to be 'the best' and they are often rewarded for being successful about getting in (cash, iPads, gaming stuff, holidays...). Knowing you are at a school with 'the best of the best' doesn't help with the mindset of those boys who are prone to being in a cool set anyway, and that is maybe the toxic culture in fee paying schools that many have spoken out about and agreed with on this thread.
How about we reward boys for kindness and empathy and being good enough, rather than pushing them from 7+ onwards to be 'the best' and all the feelings of superiority that come with it.

'successful getting in' that should read!

The hours spent at school are around 6-7 each day and not at all for 12 weeks of the year. I can assure you that DC will find time to look at exactly what they want at all the other times. It is well known that addicts will spend all hours of the night looking at porn sites. Are parents intending to confiscate phones as well? And lap tops? It really is clutching at straws to think DC will be OK if phones are limited at school.

I thought all phones were banned in classrooms now? If not, parents should have done something about this long ago and talked to the schools about it. It would at least have stopped any photos being taken on school premises.

As for the slide incident, in my area it was thr rough kids who pushed in. I am fairly leafy lane but not totally. Those little boys had the nearly shaven heads and big boots! You did not want to challenge the parents!

They shocked me too. Do we reserve ultimate shock for people with percieved money? If so, why? The outcone is the same. Bad behaviour.

I might add that the absolute worst misogyny and sexual harassment I have ever seen is amongst Army Officers - I worked for three different regiments in a non Army role, and some of the young officers who I was in very close contact with behaved as if it was the 18th century still. They had affairs, harassed young women and behaved as if women were for the taking in any way necessary. They had gone straight from boarding school to Sandhurst to the coziness/safety net of officer accommodation and their behaviour was appalling.

Were they all ex boarding school? I doubt it. I have seen such young men go into the army from the grammars near me.

@PresentingPercy - yup, all prestigious cavalry regiments, never met a state educated officer not to say they didn’t exist. This was 20 years ago mind.

I was involved with working them on extreme environment training and they were certainly brave and good to their soldiers - but beyond vile to women.