Helping child with home learning - who is right?

[1starwars2]

Basically DH feels I am not "pushing" children enough. Also that their school is the same.
Ds2 is on his last day of self isolation (along with whole year group) and back to school tomorrow.
DH is working from home for the first time in 14 days, and DS is in tears because DH is criticising his work. DH is helping him correct /improve the maths he has done. DS is 11 and has not asked for help.
DS, in my opinion, has been working well at home.
I ensure he does the work set and submitted. I might discuss it with him but would not mark his maths and insist he redoes any sums he has got wrong, like DH is doing.
I feel he is knocking DS confidence (which is lacking in maths).
DH said "Don't blame me when they get Gcse results".
How 'pushy' are you, and who is right?

*"Don't blame me when they get shit gcse results"

He's doing really well if he's doing all the work set, in our school it was only about 20% of kids doing that when school showed the stats. So the fact he's doing all of that by himself at 11 is amazing in itself and I would be praising him for his hard work and motivation.

I discuss work with both mine - one of mine needs full-time 1 to 1 (he's ASD) and the other (15) is independent and just discusses issues with me but she doesn't do it all just the GCSE ones. I would have thought its the teachers that mark or at least send out answers for the child to mark. I don't agree with what your DH is doing and if its leaving him in tears its clearly not having a good effect, he will just end up with a child afraid to try and demotivated. It maybe what he experienced as a child but I don't think its good practice.

I would tell your DS he's amazing for doing all the work by himself and its normal to make a few mistakes, its how you learn and tell your DH to back-off and not be so rude to you. Though hopefully he will be back at work tomorrow and your child back at school so may not be worth a big argument.

Point out to your dh that his teacher is the one that will be responsible for providing individual feedback on his strengths and weaknesses, deciding which set he is best in, and (though hopefully never again) possibly his CAGs. It does NOT benefit your ds if he does his work to the best of his ability, then has someone else checking it and making him do it again. That gives his teacher an overinflated sense of what he is capable of.

By marking and making them only submit 100% correct work he is presenting an inaccurate picture of your DS abilities to his teacher. Part of the process of marking work for teachers is about finding gaps in knowledge and filling them.

Why do some men feel it’s their role to undermine and upset people by intervening? If he’s not used to guiding DS in maths, why is he the guru now? Honestly! I feel your frustration.

You are helping DS by being calm and letting him make mistakes. Does DH know the curriculum or is he “teaching” in the way he learnt? If you are concerned, contact the school about DS’s progress. It’s you that’s been overseeing him. It’s also just a short period at home so school will help him when he gets back. Be honest if DS is struggling and look forward to DH going back to work!

I have one self isolating due to bubble bursting. He is 11 and managing independently on the whole. I've been checking in with him to make sure he knows what he's got to do, when his live lessons are and if he wants any specific help. I have not reviewed his work. He has asked me an occasional question to confirm the meaning of something. I'm of the opinion that he needs to learn to manage his own learning /manage his time and know when he needs to ask for help - my role is to make him self sufficient in those respects.
I do tell him how proud of him I am in order to boost his confidence, I have also made the odd negative comment usually about presentation.
If he was not doing the work and submitting it I'd have had a phone call from school. If his work was not upto standard he'd have been having work returned.

I think for all the cries about vulnerable children, the ones who probably suffered most in lockdown were kids with pushy parents like this tbh.

I am astonished by the number of people prepared to take a laissez-faire approach to their children's education, tbh

What exactly is the teacher going to do in a class of 30 if little Johny is scraping by with his "working at expected level"?

My own DS has always "worked at greater depth" in core academic subjects in an OFSTED Outstanding primary. I was shocked how woefully unprepared he was (and would have been, should I have not intervened due to the lockdown) for the 11+ process/selective independents admission.

OP's DH is clearly not an educator, but his sentiment is entirely right, and his concerns justified.

I’ve got all three of mine at home albeit upper primary school. I’m afraid I am with your husband (not the crying but certainly the correcting and helping to see where your son has gone wrong). Home learning is not just homework so the teacher can constantly see where they are going wrong (and frankly in big classes with home learning to contend with likely won’t have much time to take them aside and properly explain) it should be as much a lesson for explaining and showing as you can possibly manage as if they were sitting in class and a teacher was wandering about helping if they get stuck or are doing it incorrectly. Unfortunately (and I am trying to work full time too) we have to be as much teacher as we can at this time. And to the PP who said that this kind of child is worse off than a vulnerable child clearly is either joking or has absolutely no idea what a child in a vulnerable situation has to suffer.

The majority of DC work at expected level in the majority of schools! Huge numbers of DC transfer to a comprehensive school with no tests. If you are pushy and want something else, that’s up to you. In my view if DC are doing what they are asked, the school is aware of gaps in knowledge and can make up the difference, then it’s not a massive concern right now. Could be if it continues. DC with 11 plus and entrance exams in their sights would already be coached anyway. So that’s what you should do. Not the job of a state primary to coach DC for 11 plus and entrance exams!

I unschooled mine through secondary and she got amazing results. But more importantly she kept her love of learning and was happy

I am astonished by the number of people prepared to take a laissez-faire approach to their children's education

It isn't about taking a laissez-faire approach at all. It's about building confidence and self-efficacy in the child, and encouraging intrinsic motivation. Pushing too hard is counterproductive in my experience.

I think parents should be interested and supportive with regard to the child's education, but never pushy or overly critical. The child needs to learn to take responsibility for their own learning, and they will never do that if the parents won't let them.

Tell your DH to back off!

With secondary school kids it's hard to get the balance right between being involved (interested) in their education and not annoying them by micromanaging. You want them to eventually study without being prompted.

If my kids asked for help I'd obviously sit down next to them and help but I think that doing as best as you can on your own (like your son did) is the right approach. The teacher needs to know if the class understood the lesson and if everybody gets their maths lquestions right they might move onto the next topic instead of redoing the bit that people found hard. There is nothing wrong with homework that's not 100% correct. If most of the class gets 100% you could say that the work is too easy and the teacher should have set something more challenging. The teacher wants to know what you son (not his father) can do in maths.

If my kids asked for help I'd obviously sit down next to them and help but I think that doing as best as you can on your own (like your son did) is the right approach.

Totally agree. I spent hours last night helping dd practise for her French mock oral exam, and I will probably do the same again tonight, but I'll do it because she asked me to, and not because I don't believe that she is capable of doing it independently. In the same way, I spent hours last year teaching myself GCSE statistics online in order to be able to help dd get her head around concepts that her distinctly inept maths teacher was not able to explain, because she asked for my help. Being available when needed, and actively trying to support when requested is not at all the same as intervening/taking over when the child has not asked for help. In my view, the latter only sends the message that the child is incapable without the parent and cannot be trusted to work effectively on their own initiative - not beliefs that I want my child to internalise at all!

Well I feel a bit vindicated, but haven't rubbed it in, and DH has calmed down. I think the one educational benefit (and there are lots of downsides) of lockdown is some children are becoming more self-sufficient learners.
Maths is a tricky one as DH considers it 'his' thing, and both DSs are good at maths but DS2 definitely lacks confidence and is inclined to say he can't do it without trying. I am more concerned about that than whether he gets the answer right.