Can I have your experience please

[walrus]

DD is being bullied by a girl who lives by us. This has been going on for two years but they haven't been in the same school before. DD is just starting secondary. Can I have peoples experience of informing the school, and if so who, or just letting it go (it is only verbal bullying, but the language is foul and it is intimidating, DD is frankly very scared). DD has been into the school for a one day visit last year and this girl stuck her fingers up at her so I am aware that it will continue when they are in school. So far I have told her that this girl will get bored if she ignores it.

Yes , let the school know.

We separate childdren , and put them in different classes if we know this sort of thing is going on.

It is also helpful for the school as well as you and youdd.

Hope she settles in well

We've just had this situation. DS2 had a taster day at his new secondary last term and came home horrified that he'd been put in the same class as a perfectly foul boy from primary, a boy who has targetted DS2 with his nastiness for the last couple of years.

I immediately spoke to the school, who, I have to say, were brilliant and moved him to another class with boys he likes. My mistake was to assume (based on what had happened when DS1 changed schools, but the primary has had a change of headteacher since then) that the primary school would advise the secondary school of any difficulties between boys.

Obviously if this girl has been to a different school from your DD then this wouldn't have happened anyway, so I'm sure the secondary school would appreciate advance warning of any potential problems.

Unfortunately, in my experience, these children don't often get bored with being nasty .

Often secondary schools have mentors - older children who befriend the new ones and the new ones can go to if they have a problem. This is often better as they dont feeling like going to a teacher at first in case they are thought of as snitching and the older kids have more kudos (sp?) than teachers . They can get the 2 together if that helps too to discuss it, though am sure that will be hard. My dd did this with a girl and even though they will never be best friends, they can get on ok now.

The other good thing is that unlike primary school where all the class are always together, with secondary school the subjects mix the classes up so it's unlikely they have to be in same classes much. The head of year can swop them around at this stage without it being too much of a problem I'm sure if you have a quiet word.

Hope she settles in well xx

My close friend had a similar experience with her daughter. She decided to adopt a wait and see attitude and the problem escalated quite badly. In hindsight she believes she should have been more assertive with the school at the very beginning.

Certainly inform the school, then they can do all they can to prevent anything from happening & can make doubly sure that your DD knows what to do / who to see if she is worried or if there is any trouble.
In our school pupils have been separated into different forms / tutor groups if the school is aware of a potential problem.

Is this girl older than your dd?

I'd contact the Head of year in the first instance or whoever is responsible for pastoral care

Let the head of year know and the school should make sure they aren't in the same form group and keep an eye on the situation to ensure your DD isn't being victimised. It will also help the school to protect other children if they are informed of a potential bully; even if this girl gets bored of picking on your DD she will probably find new victims unless monitored.

This girl is now in year 8. DD came home today and hadn't bumped into her, however she is so intimidated that I have to take her about 2 mins in the car so that she won't see her on the way to school. She was absolutely thrilled and had a brilliant day, whereas before she left this morning she was completely inconsolable. I have spoken to her this evening and she says that she doesn't want me to contact the school at the moment. I have a parents evening on 17th and am mentioning it then whether she likes it or not. I think that if I can keep her away from her for the next month or so then dd will naturally build up her confidence and friendships and be able to handle the situation better.

Can I thank you all for your kind messages and support

I hope the better days continue for your daughter.

They'll frown on it more because this girl is older. I'm not saying that any sort of bullying is acceptable but the school should come down heavier on her for picking on a younger pupil

Walrus, you need to make sure the Head of Year knows about this situation. It needs to be resolved to make your daughter feel ok. The girl needs to be spoken to about it and if it continues despite this then parents need to be bought in. In a good school, this should be enough to stop it.