Secondary school- daughter has no friends year 7. Help!!

[EmilyW1991]

Hi all, I am looking for some advice and don’t know where to turn.

My daughter is 11, and is week one into high school. She had an awful time at primary school with bullying and friendship problems, I practically lived up the school constantly seeing teachers.

I decided (we decided together) to put her in a school close to our home (different borough to primary, we moved two years back) where she doesn’t know anybody- for a complete fresh start so to speak.
She looked forward to her first day for such a long time- she couldn’t wait to start.

Well today is day 6, and she text me from the toilets. She said she sat alone at lunch (again) and nobody seems to want to be her friend. Everybody has joined with primary school friends- she was friendly with one girl but today this child walked away from her and sat with her old friends leaving my daughter alone with no one to sit with with her tray of food. She found a space on a table by herself and quickly ate; then ended up in the toilets crying and begging me to pick her up.

I know it is only day 6, but she has not stopped crying. I am trying to remain as positive as I can and reminding her that she needs to settle in and everybody needs to get to know each other yet- these things take time.

She worries about lunch time every single day, whoever she asks to sit with seems to make an excuse or wander off to other friends.

I’m starting to think this was probably the worst idea I’ve ever had- am I being stupid on only day 6? I suppose I’m just worried because she had SO many friendship issues in primary. She’s never had a best friend- never been invited to parties or play dates (maybe up until year 1/2)

I need to also add that she suffers with social anxiety- she is on the CAMHS waiting list for CBT therapy. However- she has got much better so I don’t want this to drag her backwards, which it most likely will.

What is the best thing to do? We are waiting on clubs to start- I am just worried that she hasn’t the confidence to make friends. And if girls aren’t approaching her even though she has tried to approach them and sit with them- how is she going to make friends? This is just going to knock the little confidence she has and I worry she will find it hard to form friendships.

She says she wishes she was back at primary school- that’s how I know she’s extra upset! I’ve even sat and wondered if I should move her to a school where she knows a few people. On day 6!!

Please- any advice would be greatly appreciated. It is breaking my heart because she was so excited to start high school and is already dreading going in and wishing she knew people so she had friends.
She only needs one good friend who won’t leave her on her own

A (very) worried mum x

Sorry to hear this.

I'd unpick it a bit more with her.

It's quite unusual for a year group to exist in primary friendship groups by the second week. Usually they've started to disperse a bit after 2/3 days and there's often lots of students who are the only ones from their primary.

It sounds like she could do with a hand getting to know people and talking through her perceptions of other friendships in the year because often the child who is struggling tends to perceive the year group dynamic quite different to objective observers.

I would call to speak to her form tutor to see what can be done. Maybe when staff start looking at seating plan reviews they can try to deliberately sit her with potential people shell gel with, or who are the friendly with everyone types. There may also be some clubs or social space in the school support base which she could access.

Another suggestion would be to go to the school library after eating. It tends to be a hub for those who neither have large social groups but also don't wan to play football. Librarians are often amazing at helping similar children from different years to find like-minded peers. It's a much under-valued talent in my opinion.

Absolutely speak to school though. I wouldn't be considering moving just yet because even in another school she's unlikely to get a primary style group because most of the primary people will no longer be in a primary group. Best focus on how to help her settle.

I didn't want to read and run. I would contact the school. They should have staff who can help. My niece struggled at first at high school and was given lots of support.

I think clubs and time will help but very hard for you now. I hope it passes soon.

I would directly approach the Head of Year. They'd probably be appalled to hear someone's crying in the toilets. They may be able to set up a buddy or to link her up with someone else in a similar situation - she won't be the only one!

Speak to the school. Some schools have a lunchtime "friendship club" for exactly this scenario, but even if they don't, I'm sure they will have some ideas that might help.
I was very unhappy in my first year at high school because I was slow to make friends but grew, by about Year 9, to completely LOVE it. Still, my best friends are my school friends and not my uni friends.

That sounds horrible. But I do wonder if she is picking up on your anxiety?
My DD is same age and doesn't really get included in things. Very much on the periphery. She does seem ok with this - but I don't think it can be nice for her.
I haven't intervened really except to try and encourage her to message people. I honestly don't think school or teachers can force friendships that aren't natural.
We have focused on just doing nice stuff as a family & she enjoys being with us & grandparents.
Try not to worry & be as upbeat as possible. Do nice stuff as a family & just be there for her.

Agree with the library tip - it's usually a nice place to hang out. Also see if they have any lunch clubs so she has something to do.

Bear with it for a bit - all those primary school children haven't seen much of their friends over summer and might be desperate to catch up.

Have you taught her how to make friends, how to strike up a conversation? Maybe have some practice role plays at home - learning to make friends is a skill.

Our school has a facebook page for parents and a few have posted up eg "new to area, don't know anyone, 11 yr old likes dancing, horses, art.... anyone willing to meet at the park on the weekend for a play so she can get to know people.... etc etc"

Ours is brilliant - seating plan, not next to primary friends so they have to get to know each other. DD has made 3 new friends and is hanging out with them rather than primary school people.

Definitely speak to the school. My dd has just gone into y7 knowing loads of people, has an older sibling there and has cried every night because she’s so anxious about getting in trouble or lost or one of a million other things. I emailed the form tutor and head of her house pastoral care and they have rejigged the tables in form so she was sitting with some girls who they thought she might get on with and she’s already feeling much better, just having some people to move from class to class with. It must be a million times harder to not know anyone so do let the school know - they will want to help. And reassure her that the vast majority of kids are feeling the same way, no matter how confident an exterior they have!

My second was the same. Crying every day and so upset because he couldn't find like-minded friends. The pastoral head was fantastic - so kind, gave him loads of ideas and help, found him lunchtime activities with older boys who she knew would be kind... And then it all clicked. He found friends and he is so happy now.
He was also bullied at primary school and I underestimated the effect that this had on his self confidence. In reality though he was also quite judgmental about other people and how they were going to behave/be. He had to learn to be a bit more accepting. And we "bigged up" secondary school too much for him, telling him how much happier he would be - that was definitely our mistake.
But he can barely remember how unhappy he was at the beginning now.
I think it's still early days but if you are worried then I'm sure an email to the hoy or the form tutor would really help.

I can give you the same advice on all these threads, give it time and join clubs. I know you know this but it that's really what it takes.

In the meantime, your dd needs a plan for break and lunchtimes before her confidence is entirely shredded. You could speak to pastoral support who may be able to help (although they'll probably say time and clubs too) but what worked for me, and more recently for ds2 was to hide in the library with a book.

It is early days yet but in a few weeks tell her to keep an eye out for other children who look nice and are hanging around alone, or on the edge of groups. Those primary school friendship groups dont last long.. Also, she shouldn't shut her mind to the idea of a boy as a friend (assuming it's a mixed school). One of the nicer things about secondary is that the boy/girl split thaws a bit - both my sons are part of mixed friendship groups.

I think it's still fresh
Give it some time and put her in some school clubs.

My dd1 was the same - first 2.5 weeks no friends, lunch alone etc. As others have said the library is a good place to go (talking to other parents there were lots of girls in the same boat and most of them were in the library!). Are there clubs she can join? It is tough but should get better and you will need to put hours in every evening being the person to talk to and the shoulder to cry on. If you are going to contact the school I'd do so sooner rather than later.

A couple of tips that might help:

• Can she look out for the quietest few girls in her class and see if she can talk to them? They may also be sitting there waiting for someone to approach..
• Without her knowing, call the school and have a chat with the form teacher saying that she has been slow to connect with potential friends.
• If there is a large gang at the canteen, can she sit near/next them? She doesn't have to be in the middle of them. Someone has to be on the periphery in every group.
• Resilience is important. Not every day will be a good one, not every person she chats to will become a friend. It's a numbers game.

Definitely don't move schools as nothing suggests the school won't act etc. You just have to let things settle a bit (easier said than done I know).

Please ring the school they have patria support. They want all the kids to settle nicely and may have a few clubs at lunch time to help

Pastoral *

Hello OP

My DD is in year 8 but I could have written your post last year.
Every afternoon at work I would dread getting a "hello mummy" text from my daughter as this meant she is all alone.
You have received a lot of superb advice here so I won't repeat it
Only thing to reassure her is that many many girls in her class will be facing this though it may not appear to her that way now.
My DDs year group had so many issues at the end of year 7they have completely changed the classes for year 8.
My DD still has not found her tribe but she has learnt it is a phase of life and is very matured about it(most of the time at least)
We have learnt to be happy on the good days and try and be cheerful on the not so good ones.
School do help to a certain extent but it doesn't completely solve the problem in my opinion.

Big hugs to you and your daughter.
Xx

First of all thank you for all of your comments. I have taken them all on board!!
I emailed the school office today and asked to speak to the head of Year 7. I have a brief outline in the email as I put on here- and they forwarded it to him. I heard back within a couple of hours, which was amazing. I was expecting a long wait!!
He has spoken to the team at school who deal with this stuff (student support workers) and got her involved in the school ‘chill out club’ at lunch times for girls who find it hard to makes friends / socially anxious. They do movies and all sorts, which I think is great.
He has also spoken to her firm tutor and made her aware, he assured me she will bare this is mind and maybe try and seat her with girls in the same situ- or friendly girls she thinks would be good for ds.
I also spoke to ds about the library and she liked that idea too.
At least now she knows she has two places to go at lunch time when alone.
I feel a bit more at ease, and although these aren’t long term solutions they will keep her confidence from being shattered by being alone in the toilets / walking the corridors at break.

@Angrymouse I also dread that text.. my heart sinks at work when my phone pings because I know it’s her and that she’s in the toilets again big hugs right back xx

Just waiting on clubs to start, she is keen to get into netball and football so that’s another way to get chatting and maybe make some friends.

My life would be made the day she comes home with other girls phone numbers / arranging to meet at weekends etc, it would be her so happy and me too!!

Fingers crossed xx

It's a tough transition! My DD is now week 3 and is only one of two from her Primary - the school is all girls and a fair way from where we live. The other girl from our area is someone she didn't like at Primary (and generally wasn't liked) as she was pretty spiteful. I had a call on Thursday just before school started, my DD in tears as this other girl had been pretty horrible to her on the way in calling her a 'stuck up cry baby'.

I think possibly we're not getting the whole picture though. My DD does seem to have made some friends but complains sometimes she's ignored when they are with their wider old Primary groups. Whether our kids are truly being ignored i don't know or whether it's that they don't have the skills yet to include themselves in conversations and groups where others know each other. I'm sure a lot of this isn't 'willfull ignoring' . DD has also said she doesn't want new BFs as her Primary friends are still her best friends and is still seeing a lot of them out of school.

It will all get better but just takes time and there are lessons for our DCs to be learnt about fitting in to new social situations. We're seeing her mentor this week so hopefully they'll have some advice!

No advice OP but your last update sounds like you've got a few strategies for her.

I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread as DD has also just started Y7 and is really struggling with the transition. We have tears most bedtimes and first thing each morning at the moment.

I LOVE the library idea and will suggest that with mine later.

I'll be watching this thread and to OP and others in this boat, good luck! And thanks for so many encouraging posts from others too!

I would give it time for the clubs to start. Does your DD do any outside activities?

I know the general advice is don't give up but sometimes things don't ever get better.

I would make a plan for you to review the situation by say half term and if it isn't any better can you Home Ed.

If she is so upset and it is affecting what little confidence she has left then she isn't going to learn anything being in that environment

Bless you.

My dd eldest and a worrier took a full half term to settle down and another half term from there to say she was happy.

The primary friends thing will eventually stop. It’s just security blanket until kids find there own feet.

My advise would be to encourage your daughter to be friendly in lessons and approachable.

To attend a lunch time or after school club to get to know more people.

To speak to the school /form tutor and see if they can match her up in lessons with other kids in a similar position.

Also I’d tell her kids are inherently selfish and will put there own needs first. Ie safety in numbers but as they gain confidence they will spilt up and smaller groups will form.
Hang in there.

Also if possible invite some girls back or organise an activity they can do together. That’s what really helped my dd when she was invited to a party. I practically forced her in but it maSsively broke the ice. .

Just seen your update. What a nice school having a chill out club.

Update-

Still not good here

She still hasn’t made any friends, still sitting alone at lunch and texting me from toilets daily. She’s spending half her lunch eating alone, half in the toilets waiting for the bell.

She couldn’t find the ‘chill out club’ I emailed the head of Year again and it is only on Wednesdays which is upsetting.

She went to an after school club today, does not want to go back.

Shes told me she feels this will be it for her for the rest of school and she doesn’t know if she can do it anymore, and she doesn’t know why nobody wants to be her friend.

She’s lost all her confidence and motivation, I’m ending up sorting her books and homework each night, hanging her uniform ready for the next day, packing her bag for her. This is so unlike her, but I’m trying to remain as positive as I can.

Two weeks in, should I be worried? I know many of you have been through the same, I know it takes time. But I don’t know how much longer she can do what she is doing, she’s so unhappy as am I. It’s breaking my heart to see her like it x

I think she really needs to stop hiding in the toilets. This sounds like it's really not helping. I think you really need to tell the school how bad this has got and she needs a buddy or something allocated. I feel so bad for her and you.

I'd be worried by her attitude - she gives up very easily, doesnt she? A d she's very much making this your problem to solve, rather than her own (with your support).

Friends by Christmas if you are out there taking part in school life is realistic. Friends when you've been hiding in the toilets for 2 weeks isn't.