Secondary school- daughter has no friends year 7. Help!!

[EmilyW1991]

Hi all, I am looking for some advice and don’t know where to turn.

My daughter is 11, and is week one into high school. She had an awful time at primary school with bullying and friendship problems, I practically lived up the school constantly seeing teachers.

I decided (we decided together) to put her in a school close to our home (different borough to primary, we moved two years back) where she doesn’t know anybody- for a complete fresh start so to speak.
She looked forward to her first day for such a long time- she couldn’t wait to start.

Well today is day 6, and she text me from the toilets. She said she sat alone at lunch (again) and nobody seems to want to be her friend. Everybody has joined with primary school friends- she was friendly with one girl but today this child walked away from her and sat with her old friends leaving my daughter alone with no one to sit with with her tray of food. She found a space on a table by herself and quickly ate; then ended up in the toilets crying and begging me to pick her up.

I know it is only day 6, but she has not stopped crying. I am trying to remain as positive as I can and reminding her that she needs to settle in and everybody needs to get to know each other yet- these things take time.

She worries about lunch time every single day, whoever she asks to sit with seems to make an excuse or wander off to other friends.

I’m starting to think this was probably the worst idea I’ve ever had- am I being stupid on only day 6? I suppose I’m just worried because she had SO many friendship issues in primary. She’s never had a best friend- never been invited to parties or play dates (maybe up until year 1/2)

I need to also add that she suffers with social anxiety- she is on the CAMHS waiting list for CBT therapy. However- she has got much better so I don’t want this to drag her backwards, which it most likely will.

What is the best thing to do? We are waiting on clubs to start- I am just worried that she hasn’t the confidence to make friends. And if girls aren’t approaching her even though she has tried to approach them and sit with them- how is she going to make friends? This is just going to knock the little confidence she has and I worry she will find it hard to form friendships.

She says she wishes she was back at primary school- that’s how I know she’s extra upset! I’ve even sat and wondered if I should move her to a school where she knows a few people. On day 6!!

Please- any advice would be greatly appreciated. It is breaking my heart because she was so excited to start high school and is already dreading going in and wishing she knew people so she had friends.
She only needs one good friend who won’t leave her on her own

A (very) worried mum x

I can't offer advice, but sending you lots of hugs.

Is it possible to talk to her class teacher and give her some task to do during lunch time, like doing an interesting survey to ask around, giving out funky stickers the kids who participated ... if she is too shy to do it on her own, could ask the teacher find a buddy to do this together... this might help to build up her confidence... Does your daughter have any preferred subject, or hobbies, put some extra effort in it, make it to the absolute top of her year, she will get noticed. All the best xx

Hi EmilyW1991
I can so much relate to your post as my DD (still in primary school) is also shy and can appear to be socially withdrawn. I thought she might have an ASD , but after talking to a specialist we established she is a highly sensitive child (HSC), which can also results in being socially withdrawn (but different from ASD). She is in year 4 now and never had a best friend, but she does join other children during playtime, so she says she plays with everyone and not bothered (which is good). As she does not have close friends, she has not been invited for a playday for the last 3 years, but I keep on inviting girls from her class to us for playdays or sleepovers and also enrolled her to local Brownies to develop social skills.

Have you tried talking to school to try to identify several 'suitable' girls you could approach their parents to organise playdays with your daughter at home? Realise it is more difficult in secondary school as girls tend to do it themselves, but I would try to share your situation with parents of the girls you can trust so they could help too.

Hi all
Read this post with interest a few months ago, almost as deja vu. Just wondering if there have been any improvements or success stories amongst those suffering?
I also have a daughter struggling in a similar way. She does have some good days (or maybe I should re-phrase these as not exactly good, but just not bad days), but recently the bad (and sad) days seem to be becoming more frequent, and the tears of loneliness and a genuine want to be able to 'just have some friends' and feel part of something is so hard to see. As a mum, I'm doing all the things I can think of to try to help, but I'm feeling a bit helpless if I'm honest. Not sure there's much I can do. I can't force friendships. Is this just something she's got to work through and figure out for herself?
Daughter feels invisible, says she feels like she just follows people around, just an add-on, and feels completely irrelevant. I don't think there is any intentional meanness from others from what I can work out. Just everyone else getting on with life, fitting in (or appears to be). My daughter seems to have such a complex and absolutely no self-esteem or self confidence. Almost paralysed by what she fears others think of her, or how she is perceived. Is this just a phase that some children go through? Talking about a year 8 girl...

@everoptimistic123

We could be twin mums and daughters :-(
Big hugs!!
Last night I heard the words "yeah like someone is going to be want to hang out with me"
It breaks my heart but I have no answer

I did wonder about ASD when you first posted OP.

Sorry but yes way too early for day 6. I thought you were going to say she was in the 2nd or 3rd term!
Can I highly recommend building friends outside of school so she has something to look forward to and school is not her entire world.
Can I also recommend a therapist to coach her on body language and language skills to build friendships.
Please be rest assured - there is a lot of moment in friendship groups for the entire year 7. Plenty of space to make new friends.

It is only in recent years that it has been recognised that there are more girls on the autistic spectrum than was originally thought. This is because girls usually present differently from the way boys typically present, and they are able to "mask" their difficulties a lot of the time.

Many higher functioning children are not diagnosed until the transition from primary to secondary starts proving problematic.

Difficulties with social skills will form part of the diagnosis of autism. Once she has her diagnosis, she will probably need some sort of social skills programme to teach her social communication skills and how to form friendships.The SLT should facilitate this.

I hope you have reported the bullying OP.

Hi, I am going thro something quite similar right now, and was wondering how your daughter is 1year on?
My d has only been in school 3 weeks and as experienced cyber-bullying from a large group of girls. She has tried to make friends but they seem to start nice enough then turn mean and start excluding her.
What can we do?

This sounds awful and very upsetting for you both.

Unfortunately the longer she sits in the toilets, the worse it will get as other friendships form without her being present. This is going to be tough to hear but I think you need the other half of the story. Your child's perception is very upsetting to hear but may not be the full story. How is your child in social situations? Maybe other children feel uncomfortable around for your child for some reason. I would certainly request school to provide a buddy and observe your child at lunch to find out what is really going on.

If nothing works, could your child be a helper, help clean up empty classrooms, prepare rooms etc with a teacher at lunch? I'd want the school to find a role for my child to do something that keeps them out of the toilets.

Would contact the school again..... Good luck

Lots of hugs OP. I'm glad you're getting somewhere albeit a bit late. I have to say when I read your first post ASD was my first guess. Are there any opportunities for your DD to have a social outlet outside of school in a smaller group? Does she have or would she be interested in starting a hobby (obviously harder at the moment)? Are there local support groups for girls on the spectrum? Even an online one?

Good luck to you and DD OP.

Hi, i can see that this is an old thread, my daughter is in year 8 and without school friends. I'm wondering if your daughter managed to make some friends after starting year 7?

Another one here in similar situation amd now I'm wondering if dd has ASD . Hugs to all this is so heart breaking .

DD in Year 9 and still no friends. Mild ASD. It's very very hard.

She's mild enough for her not to have all the usual traits, she makes eye contact well, doesn't stand too close, doesn't talk too loud, doesn't talk obsessionally about anything as she has no obsessions - and yet when it comes to small talk and chatting, she just can't. She finds the conversations with other girls runs ahead of her and she can't jump in at the right moment and by the time she's thought of something to say, the moment has passed and she says it would sound odd.

So she never really talks. Doesn't talk all day. Every day. For many years now.

It's very very hard having ASD, even mildly.

So everyone just thinks she's "odd" instead.

Please dear Mums of "normal kids" please please please teach your DDs to be kind to the quiet ones, to give them a chance, to be patient, to be understanding.

DD is not odd, she'd love to have a friend. She'd love to be invited to a birthday party, she'd love to have someone to sit with at lunch.

But she never is or does or has.

It's a hidden disability. It can't be seen.

Children wouldn't discriminate on the basis of colour. Nor would parents you hope.

And yet when it comes to ASD, parents often don't know, don't understand how this is a disability. Instead they think that weird, quiet girl in the class is well... just weird and quiet.

But it's more than that often.

Please parents, if you are reading this, please invite the weird quiet girl. You'd make her whole year if she could go to your DD's party.

My DD never gets invited anywhere. She's stuck in a world where she's given up, thinking no one likes her and no one wants to know her.

As a parent I've watched "good friends" politely explain that "your DD isn't really friends with my DD so I hope you'll understand why we didn't invited her".

And I don't see why I should have to beg and explain and just crumple and explain that my DD has a disability so would you please just invite her because it would make her so very very happy.

That she has cried herself to sleep countless times due to having no friends. For being odd, for being shunned, for being perpetually alone, everywhere she goes.

If you're reading this, as a parent of neurotypical child, please ask your DD to invite the quiet shy girl. Don't be like my "good friends" who ducked the chance to be inclusive and help someone with a disability.

Thank you.