Secondary school- daughter has no friends year 7. Help!!

[EmilyW1991]

Hi all, I am looking for some advice and don’t know where to turn.

My daughter is 11, and is week one into high school. She had an awful time at primary school with bullying and friendship problems, I practically lived up the school constantly seeing teachers.

I decided (we decided together) to put her in a school close to our home (different borough to primary, we moved two years back) where she doesn’t know anybody- for a complete fresh start so to speak.
She looked forward to her first day for such a long time- she couldn’t wait to start.

Well today is day 6, and she text me from the toilets. She said she sat alone at lunch (again) and nobody seems to want to be her friend. Everybody has joined with primary school friends- she was friendly with one girl but today this child walked away from her and sat with her old friends leaving my daughter alone with no one to sit with with her tray of food. She found a space on a table by herself and quickly ate; then ended up in the toilets crying and begging me to pick her up.

I know it is only day 6, but she has not stopped crying. I am trying to remain as positive as I can and reminding her that she needs to settle in and everybody needs to get to know each other yet- these things take time.

She worries about lunch time every single day, whoever she asks to sit with seems to make an excuse or wander off to other friends.

I’m starting to think this was probably the worst idea I’ve ever had- am I being stupid on only day 6? I suppose I’m just worried because she had SO many friendship issues in primary. She’s never had a best friend- never been invited to parties or play dates (maybe up until year 1/2)

I need to also add that she suffers with social anxiety- she is on the CAMHS waiting list for CBT therapy. However- she has got much better so I don’t want this to drag her backwards, which it most likely will.

What is the best thing to do? We are waiting on clubs to start- I am just worried that she hasn’t the confidence to make friends. And if girls aren’t approaching her even though she has tried to approach them and sit with them- how is she going to make friends? This is just going to knock the little confidence she has and I worry she will find it hard to form friendships.

She says she wishes she was back at primary school- that’s how I know she’s extra upset! I’ve even sat and wondered if I should move her to a school where she knows a few people. On day 6!!

Please- any advice would be greatly appreciated. It is breaking my heart because she was so excited to start high school and is already dreading going in and wishing she knew people so she had friends.
She only needs one good friend who won’t leave her on her own

A (very) worried mum x

Oh bless her heart.
What a brave girl to keep doing this every day.
Please tell the school how bad this has become. She cannot keep hiding in the toilets .
I am a little cross on her behalf that no one has noticed that she is still struggling given they’ve been made aware but I guess there must be so many issues at the beginning of term.
Has she tried the library at lunchtime yet? Ds ended up being a library helper at lunchtime when he first started at secondary because he was struggling so much with finding friends
She only needs one friend doesn’t she?- has she looked about her for someone in her class who isn’t part of the groups? - there must be a few other kids who came from primary schools by themselves
I’m keeping everything crossed for her. I hope things are easier for you (both) soon

This is why I liked ds' school so much - two short breaks of 20 minutes. People didn't like it because there wasn't much time to eat lunch but it really reduced opportunities for bullying or just feeling lonely. Eventually they increased one break to 30 mins but it is so much better than having long lunchbreaks (the clubs are all after school as it finished early).

The library is a good suggestion (though sadly a lot of schools don't have manned libraries anymore). When do the sports clubs start?

This first term at High School is brutal for some kids.
Your heart must be breaking for your DD but she does need to try and integrate and be alongside the others to give them a chance to get to know her.
My DD has just started yr8. She's found High School to be a huge disappointment so far socially which is tough, but it does seem to be getting easier. Friendship groups this year seem a touch more flexible and open.
We had lots of tears last year, but my DD is pretty resilient and has some really nice friends outside of school.
Does your DD go to any clubs or activities where she hangs out with a different group? We've found Guides to be brilliant and she does a couple of other activities which keep her confidence and self esteem up.

So sad. Sounds like she's caught in a loop of having no friends so is sad and likely giving off sad/miserable vibes so in turn, not exactly looking fun, friendly and approachable herself to her peers.
I'd be encouraging the library, also finding out if there are any local kids who go to the same school who you could maybe speak to the parents and arrange if they could maybe walk to school together?
Library is a great idea.
Form tutor should be really versed in getting her pupils to know each other and encouraging socialisation.
Hopefully as the term progresses her lessons will start to involve group work and group projects which will help as these things often involve meet ups at lunch or outside of school to work on a project etc, and hopefully something will blossom.

Hi OP
So sorry that things haven't improved.
Sadly it does take time for some or maybe even most of the kids.
Do give it time and keep reassuring her.
As I mentioned before we have had similar issues. Things seem to be getting slightly easier in year 8 but DD still doesn't have a close group yet. She doesn't mind at the moment though as she has learnt to hang out with different people most days.
I bang on the lunchtime club drum every single day to her and we made some progress there. You should look up at the club list with her and encourage her to sign up to atleast 1 and keep at it for atleast a term. Tell her to try it till Xmas without fail.
Also keep the conversation going about having a group to hang out with and not just a few close ones.
I know it sounds hard to think of many friends when she doesn't have any friend at the moment.
There is usually a lot of falling out happening in friendship groups at this age and it's always better to build the habit of knowing as many girls as possible.
In my experience this is an ongoing thing with girls at this age. Things may seem right one day and they all go haywire in a few days.
All we can do is keep the conversation going and encouraging them to give things a go including new people.
It is hard and you have all my sympathies...
Take care!!
Xx

We had many conversations at home about how friendships take time to develop and the groups forming now will, and do, change and shift over time.

@BarbariansMum it’s a bit harsh to critisize a child with social anxiety and who is on a waiting list for CAHMS as ‘ giving up easily ‘ every day is probably a huge effort for her , giving up would be not leaving the house or staying in bed but instead she is pushing on .

OP I think you need to escalate this, I think you are beyond the usual settling in problems . I would also see if you can get moved up the CAHMS list , could you afford private counselling ?

OP I really feel for you and your poor DD. And agree previous comments about hiding in the toilet don't help considering this little girls personal circumstances.

I would definitely be speaking to school as again agree this sounds like more than just settling in. She's stuck in a cycle now and needs some help to break this.

Best of luck OP

I agree she does need help in breaking this and you do need to escalate this! On the positive side, she’s not hiding this and is talking to you about it. It’s still very early days but if she’s hiding away this pattern isn’t going to change. If you haven’t already, call the school, go in. As for CAMHS, my experience of them with my eldest daughter was that they are pretty useless (my eldest DD is gay and went through a minor self harming stage when she was coming out- we were told to bring her back when she was using a knife - yes really!). I would pay for a private counsellor. And do get her involved in out of school clubs local to you.

Week 3, youngest DD does seem to be making friends but the journey in is proving a bit horrible as a girl she went to Primary with is being horrible to her on a pretty continual basis. It’s hard to watch them suffer! DD has joined the drama club as she says she wants to be more confident. She is still clinging on to Primary friends but there does seem to be more WhatsApping with new ones. It’s all new and fragile though! There will be many girls still looking for new friendships - my DD came home really really pleased yesterday to have made a new friend. I think your DD just needs help though from above so I really would go in and speak to someone ASAP. Good luck!!

texting me from toilets daily

I know this is going to sound mean, but sometimes we have to do things that push people out of habits that are making issues worse — I think it’s time to stop having her take her phone to school. Take it off her in the morning when she goes in and give it back when you pick her up. There’s little incentive to go out and find people/things to do when you can hide in the toilets and text your mum.

Kids are perceptive and they will notice that she is distressed and anxious and hiding out in the toilets every day. This unfortunately won’t be making many kids open to being friends with her, and it’s not giving her a chance to get to know people either if she is not around at break times of course people aren’t going to be talking to her or thinking about her.

I know it is very hard when you’re shy, anxious, introverted etc. to make friends but it’s important to learn what puts people off as a starting point, and unfortunately to kids of that age, hiding in toilets puts people off.

We also don’t make friends by hanging around waiting to be invited to something or waiting to be sat with at lunch. It’s give and take. Next time she is talking with someone near lunch time and they walk off to sit with other friends, she should go with them and sit down at the table with them. Or find a table elsewhere with other kids and sit. Introduce herself, ask questions about the others and engage. Nobody is going to make an effort with her if she isn’t making an effort with them.

Op, when she texts you from the loo. What do you respond with? Do you tell her to go to the library? Text you again whilst there?

Also does she know how to make friends? The casual smile and hi in passing? The slow build up. Short conversation and then move on?

Also who is she targeting for friends? They wouldn't have a club if she was the only one, so there must be other kids in this boat. Is she trying to target the popular kids? Has she said hi to any of the quieter ones?

In class does she say hi to those around her when she sits down, smile?

Also please don't take her phone off her. It's her lifeline. She will still sit in the loos without it. But do use it to ask her to go to the library etc and gee her up.

Agree don't take phone off her until she has another support strategy in place. To be honest that feels cruel as whilst she won't make friends hiding in the loo taking it off her definitely won't suddenly give her the mental and emotional shift she needs to do talk to other kids.

Like other posters have said talk to her about having those little conversations, smiling at everyone she encounters and seeing all the reciprocal smiles/small talk she gets back as progress. It's a marathon not a sprint

Friendships also develop through class time - chats to people you sit with and so on. It's not just break times. My DD is a volunteer for an activity in the library fortnightly which gives her a break from people. Does your DD have the opportunity to do something like choir or an art club at lunchtime? DD's school has a yr7 'craft club' which I think is designed for the quiet kids to have a little bolt hole from the stress of break time.

Friendships also develop through class time - chats to people you sit with

I didn’t think you were able to chat in class

Well, my DD assures me classes are not silent...

I think the route cause is the social anxiety.

So when someone wanders off to sit with their friends your DD doesn't have the confidence to follow and sit with them.

My ds was like this as he has asd.

He always waited for an invite or instruction from his peers rather than infiltrating groups quietly and appropriately.

And when it doesn't happen instantly that she's infiltrated she sees herself as a failure (most likely a fall out from the bullying).

Does the school have an ELSA (emotional literacy support). Ask the school directly for support from them to help dd learn about peer relationships and the emotional around them.

DD had this last year, haven't time to post in detail but we made her take a book in, she was into mysteries so eventually she worked her way through Agatha Christie books! The pin being she had to sit on a bench / somewhere in the playground but she was engrossed in her book wasn't as obvious.

A couple of times people asked if they could sit there and read too. Definately a way to get her out of the toilets and other pupils might then spot she is alone and it could open things up for her

op massive sympathies to you and your dd. I think it's time to speak to the school again and see if they can get her class teachers to try to put her with dc she may get on with - others who haven't yet made friends, maybe? Also to suggest joining clubs at lunch times - even if she has zero interest in learning Russian, manga, knitting or whatever - just to have somewhere to go and not be alone!

I think for those who don't have the innate 'social navigation' skills, starting a new secondary school and making new friends is much much harder than people who do have those skills realise. Dd's starting from a position of not having had a great experience in primary school so it won't be surprising if she doesn't have the confidence or skills to build up friendships. School advice is often well meaning but perhaps not wholly realistic (sometimes surprisingly as they are spend a lot of time with dstudents!) in that they may think it's just a question of dd 'reaching out' to other dc. So for example they may say 'why not just go and sit with a group of girls at lunch and start chatting'. That can be extremely bad advice in some circs! - real world, those girls may tell her to go away (has been known!), ignore her, blank her etc.

Sorry, second para sounds a bit negative! - it's meant to be the opposite in that it's useful to recognise that dd may need specific help to be given the opportunity to get to know some potential friends, and to go to clubs to help with the isolation. This won't solve the problem immediately - but over time friendships may develop.

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. Please do go back to the school and and arrange a meeting asap explaining how unhappy your child is. My daughter is into week 3 of primary school and has moved into new sets with no friends and mentioned going to lunch on her own. It's heartbreaking to think of them feeling so lonely and miserable. I'm going to see how this week goes and then may well talk to pastoral care. The school have a duty of care to help your daughter so she can integrate. Really hoping this improves and fast.

*secondary school (not primary)

Sorry to hear that your daughter is going through this. Given that your DD is on the waiting list for CAMHs have you talked to the SENCO?

They often have social skills groups and lunchtime activities to help children in your DDs position. Her emotional state will be impacting on her ability to learn and good schools will prioritise emotional wellbeing as much as academic progress.

HI Emily
I feel like I could have written this post about my own daughter in year 7. Its awful. She has refused to go in to school today. The school is no help and like you I am at a loss. Have things improved at all for your daughter?

@EmilyW1991 just wondering how things have been for your daughter? Hope she's managing to find a few friends.

Hi everyone!!

So we are now over 3 months in- and still no friends, bullying has started, and the school, CAMHS and speech & language therapist are putting together an ASD diagnosis.

My heart has shattered this past 3 months, but school are extremely helpful the SEN department couldn’t do anymore to help her out. She now sits in the SEN building every single lunch time and does her home work/eats lunch instead of the toilets. Which is amazing, but of course I’m still gutted she has not been able to make any friends. She struggles with social skills massively, she has done since around year 1/2. I have always blamed schools, other children- but to be honest I’m disappointed nothing was noticed during primary school instead I have been fobbed off every single time I have been in begging for help.

A learning plan (I’m not sure of the official name) is being put into place, I’m just hoping children don’t notice the extra help she will be getting and pick on her even more.

Thanks for reading x