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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Bullied at NCS and tears

54 replies

ROZ12 · 01/08/2019 00:58

Hi all

My dd is currently at Ncs. She has anxiety issues and none of her friends went with her. I encouraged her to go to open up and overcome her fears of social anxiety.

I was so proud of her for going, just got a phone call from her that a particular popular boy made fun of her glasses and swore at her and called her a f.... ing d... k. I’m fuming at moment and dd doesn’t want to do phase 2 now. One boy has made this whole experience awful, reduced her self esteem even more and the aim of fighting her fears has back fired .

I feel like a bad parent and back tracking on everything we tried to achieve .

What shall I do?? Report the boy? Let her quit?

OP posts:

Brain06626 · 01/08/2019 02:14

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GrammarTeacher · 01/08/2019 06:37

Is there a contact in charge that you could speak to about this? It would be such a shame if she didn't complete the programme for several reasons. But by the same account I wouldn't want her to be unhappy for the whole summer!
What would she like to do about it? I would say the important thing is to make sure she doesn't frame it in her head as 'failing'.
She didn't know anyone and gave it a go? I have social anxiety and for someone who is anxious about these things to do NCS without any friends is a HUGE achievement no matter how much of the programme she completed.
Sorry I haven't structured this very well as I'm up early with the toddlers.

Buzznbells · 01/08/2019 07:16

Hi, my daughter did NCS last year. Like your daughter, she didn't know anyone there but for her it was a really positive experience and most members of her team still meet up every few months. I'm basing my advice on what my daughters set up was like but obviously this might vary in different areas. Firstly the first week is exhausting, they are with people they don't know, doing full on physical activities, late night socialising and early mornings trying to get to the showers before everyone else. So the tears last night might have been just a release from feeling overwhelmed. Obviously the boy was out of order for what he said but if it was only one boy and she gets on with the others in her team, you might find that by the time you pick her up Friday evening she's feeling more positive. Although your daughter is in one team there might actually be several teams all staying together. They did the day activities with their own team but breakfast and the evening was spent with all the other teams, maybe your daughter has got on with people from another team better? If this is the case you can contact your NCS co-ordinator and request that she moves teams for the next 3 weeks. I know a child joined my daughters team in the second week as she hadn't really got on with members of her original team but had bonded with a child in my daughter's.
I would suggest that you wait until your daughter returns home on Friday to see how she feels before making any decisions. But certainly contact your NCS coordinator and explain about the boy's behaviour, there are leaders assigned to each team who should be made aware of any nastiness so they can deal with it. My daughter's team were like a little family and they really looked up to and respected their team leaders, who made sure the children worked and supported each other as a team.
I hope your daughter's experience improves, NCS was a really positive time for my daughter but if it doesn't, at least she gave it a try!

Eastpoint · 01/08/2019 07:22

DD did NCS 2 years ago and was unhappy with the attitude of some of the participants and outdoor activity leaders towards a student with additional needs. She complained to the course leader and also called the obnoxious participants out. After she complained things improved. Can you ask your daughter to go and talk to her team leader, I think they are in groups of about 15 aren’t they? Bullying is always unacceptable and they have a duty of care towards her.

3teens2cats · 01/08/2019 07:40

My ds is also doing ncs at the moment. You should have been given the contact details for the area organiser ( not sure if that is the official title). I would contact them. They will get in touch with the leaders who are actually with them. Don't leave it until she gets back because this doesn't give the adults any opportunity to try and address it.

MrPickles73 · 01/08/2019 07:42

What is NCS? How old are these children?

Original poster

ROZ12 · 01/08/2019 08:23

It’s for 16 years olds, thank you all. No we were not given a contact and my daughter won’t snitch it’s a popular boy it seems.

I will complain when she is back thou .

OP posts:

3teens2cats · 01/08/2019 08:26

Ncs is a scheme for 16 year olds. It's a 4 week programme, part residential, part daytime. It is about building confidence, life skills, employment skills, all sorts. It ends with the group having to plan and carry out a project in their community. Similar to Duke of Edinburgh award but concentrated into just 4 weeks.

Buzznbells · 01/08/2019 09:08

I'd actually contact the area coordinator this morning and tell them what this boy has done/said. This means they can notify the team leaders and allow them to deal with it asap. This boy might just be acting the big I am because he's away from home and once talked to may settle down and leave your daughter alone, allowing her to enjoy the rest of the week which means she can make a more informed decision whether to continue. It would be a shame if she missed out on what could be a really positive experience because of one boys behaviour that the leaders aren't aware of. At the moment she probably won't want to continue because she's worried this boys behaviour will carry on but if she was knew that the leaders are aware of the situation and are dealing with it, she might feel that she wants to give it another chance.

Buzznbells · 01/08/2019 09:10

Oh and the contact details should be in the info pack you received or just Google NCS and what area you're in. Our area coordinator was brilliant and responded very quickly.

bizzey · 01/08/2019 09:58

Oh this is so sad to read .
@ROZ12 Please get in contact with someone.
My dc is on it now .
At our meeting a few weeks ago we were given the mobile number of our co-ordinater.
If not the main number will help you.
Your daughter won't be snitching.

NCS Will not tolerate this. It would be a shame if she let 1 boy ruin this for het .

With enough notice they could change her group for the other phases.

Hope it turns out ok .
The leaders are fantastic and want to make this a positive experience for all .

bizzey · 01/08/2019 10:00

Oh ..and he may not be the "popular" boy
Just the loudest that no one will pull him up on .

NoBaggyPants · 01/08/2019 10:08

I'm sure it was just a slip of the tongue, but does your daughter understand that complaining about bullying is not "snitching"? She has a right to be safe and to be treated with respect, no one should ever be deterred by the suggestion that is snitching.

In fact, people shouldn't use that word full stop. It's a bully's word used to turn blame on to the victim.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 01/08/2019 18:56

I have followed advice and has contact with the area manager and mentors they have spoken to my daughter and kept an eye on her. She has not mentioned the boy but I have and issued him a warning without mentioning his name. They have also told his friends to tell him to tone it down. I’ve been also told his Mother has been contacted about his behaviour and issued a yellow card but will not be chucked off the programme as he has issues going on at Home.

The mentors will encourage her to carry on as you have all mentioned she can’t let him spoil things.

OP posts:

Buzznbells · 01/08/2019 20:00

Fingers crossed your daughter will be happier.
NCS was brilliant for my daughter, she gained so much confidence and made some lovely friends, I really hope it's an equally positive experience for yours.

Zodlebud · 01/08/2019 20:25

I would add that if this behaviour had been experienced or witnessed in the workplace then it would have been reported to HR.

You should reiterate to your daughter that this is not being a snitch but even when you are a grown up there is behaviour that is inappropriate and there will be a way of raising it with someone.

So many people, women in particular, put up with a lot of stuff in the workplace. Giving your daughter the skills to address this sort of behaviour will be invaluable.

I once reported a colleague who used to leer at the women in the office and mutter stuff under his breath which you couldn’t quite make out but knew it wasn’t pleasant. Turned out he was watching porn for up to six hours a day at his desk and was promptly fired. He’d been employed for FIVE years by the company and not one woman had spoken up about it in all that time, although they had all discussed it between themselves.

Nobody should be scared to “rock the boat” if there is just cause.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 01/08/2019 20:53

I agree zodlebud I wouldn’t tolerate this at work we have bullying and harassment policies. I have asked the mentor to Chuck the boy off the programme he said that then My dd will have to have mtg with the boy etc. although I’ve told her to she doesn’t wnat to do this as then this boy will text his many friends and make her life miserable next week.

OP posts:

bizzey · 01/08/2019 21:09

AH @ROZ12 well done Glad it has been noted/sorted .
Horrible situation for her and you to be in.

Hope her next phases are better.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 01/08/2019 21:31

Thank you she comes home tomrrow will update you .

OP posts:

mimbleandlittlemy · 01/08/2019 21:55

DS did NCS last year and we had a situation - not bullying but something else. I rang our area leader and talked it through with them and it was sorted. Call them, don’t wait for your dd to get home. They should sort it.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 02/08/2019 22:49

She is back!! I burst into tears when I met her , I couldn’t hold back it was just awful situation not being able to pick her up from a bad situation all these days. I did thank the leader for looking out for her more and the boy was kept away from her.

I didn’t see him as he was picked up before I got there. Good thing too as I may have kicked off.

She is back but looking malnourished and tired, she stopped eating due to the bullying.

However she said she had some nice times but not made many friends. She wants to go next week, this time I said it’s up to her. I felt guilty I forced her previously .

Thanks everyone for supporting us.

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 03/08/2019 13:06

I'm glad your daughter wants to go back - please encourage her. One thing I learnt from when my son was bullied is the growth in confidence comes from being able to go through a negative experience and come out the otherside - teaches them things can and will get better. Praise her as much as you can abput how well she is doing and that she is strong - she is facing her fears and she is not letting the bully stop her doing something she wants to do.

Original poster

ROZ12 · 03/08/2019 14:06

Thank you I will do .

OP posts:

bizzey · 03/08/2019 19:48

@ROZ12 I hope your dd got a good night sleep in her own

Original poster

ROZ12 · 03/08/2019 20:04

Yes she slept till 5pm!! She didn’t sleep much in a sleeping bag in an insect ridden tent! I’m appalled at the conditions she described, toilets with no flush and showers with no where to hang your clothes . She isn’t eating much either. She is pretty nervous about next week but doesn’t want to let down her team so will definitely give it a go. I’m shocked that she just mentioned she wants to be friend the bully!

OP posts:

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