Why do people openly criticise decisions to send your kids to a private school?

[scotmum1977]

I sent my Son to a private school (Glasgow) last year for various reasons and it's working out really well. There is the cost but we just do without expensive holidays etc. I can't think of a better gift for my children than a good education. I was so surprised at how offended people get when they ask which school he attends. They think it's ok to criticise you openly and make bitchy comments here and there. Surely how you spend your own money is your own business. Anyone else have this experience?

That’s again completely untrue.

From this thread, I'd say that certain people who send their kids to private school are distinctly chippy

whereas many folks who went to private school and choose not to do the same are much less so
bellum, bellum, bella and all that

I agree completely and disappointed that the stereotype of private school parents being out of touch with reality appears to be pretty accurate.

In the Ops initial post, there was clearly the suggestion that she was giving her DC the best gift she could. Verbalising this to other people implies that THEY are NOT giving their children this gift....and not surprisingly this grates with them. This might be because they don't actually agree because they think that the state education their children are receiving is great and they don't like the suggestion implied that only Independnet education is good. Or it could be that they worry that the state education isn't as good and don't like the suggestion that they somehow value their children less because they don't give them this great 'gift'. They don't like the suggestion that they choose to spend their money on alternatives or that they can't afford it.

If you use Independnet education, it's best not to talk about it too much with other parents. Common things people say about the choice, especially if a move from State has been involved, include saying it was what was best for their particular child (intended to suggest that the state might be great for other people's children, but actually sounding like the parents think their child is better and needs better or the less good option is good enough for other people's children) or people say it seemed the best use of money or education being the best gift, which those using state education hear as suggesting they choose to waste their money on less worthy expenditures or don't love their children as much. These things will never go down well.

Essentially when you are buying something for your children which other children can't have because their parents can't afford it or don't choose to spend their money on it, when it's something important like education, it will often make other parents feel very uncomfortable. The middle classes value education highly and so the idea that anyone is getting something their kids aren't getting makes them feel uncomfortable. When those paying for that education try to talk about their choice or to justify it, it just makes those not receiving it feel even more uncomfortable and not surprisingly there can be some negative reactions.

It's best to say as little as possible about it. Certainly don't say;

• we had no choice because all the state schools near us are absolutely dire and couldn't be an option for X.
• what could we do better with our money than spend it on Xs future?
• the state schools wouldn't suit X because of their shy personality, academic ability, sporting genius etc etc
• the type of children and families at the state schools just weren't suitable
• it seemed the best way for X to reach their full potential

Any of these might be true....but hear them from the angle of the parent whose child is going to the state school - what is it saying about their child or their parental choice (or lack of it)

@ChocolateWombat I absolutely agree the less you say the better sometimes as it's sensitive. I never mention it to anyone but I'm always asked about it and often followed by their opinions. I completely understand why it's a sore point but still baffles me they think it's ok to challenge to my face.

TP to be more specific I think (without scrolling back) that what I said was weird was your self declared habit of thinking in staccato format. I mean how can you hold a conversation with someone if you simply bark out a few words at a time? Mystifying.

Does it matter how someone speaks or types? As long as they get their point across it doesn't matter. What a strange thing to pick up on.

Pyjamas
Those who know me in real life will find goodbyes concern deeply amusing.
It certainly made my DH chuckle
(he went to a Comp by the way and only started to study Latin when he got into botany)

Obviously a personal thing but if someone was to bark staccato thoughts at me in the undeveloped way that TP has then yes, it does matter to me from the pov of understanding them and holding a conversation with them. TP seems delighted by the observation though so it's all good :)

I do not bark. I growl.
Staccato growling stands me in great stead financially

Undeveloped? Wow you are pretty rude.

Wombat, words of great sense.

TBH I have just been called a legend on another thread for the help my staccato growling has given people over the last 15 years

so I find the pearl clutchers on this thread really funny

I think the ‘I came from nothing and worked hard’ is the most galling phrase:

The cleaner in hospital works fucking hard too, as does the paramedic, police officer, pizza delivery man, car valeter.....

We’re police. No private healthcare, and no expensive holidays or cars to give up. Before the police we were both Armed Forces. Funny thing, serving your country clearly doesn’t count as ‘working hard’ as we can’t afford private schooling!

Also, why would private school come up in conversation with friends of friends or neighbours etc? If you squeeze it into every conversation (as a neighbour here does) then no wonder people get snippy with you. Remember, you can’t buy class and bragging about your schooling ‘choice’ (yes, mentioning the school unasked is bragging) is not class.

Our local school wasn’t helping my DCs because of size, so I WORKED HARD with them to help their progress.

‘I came from nothing’ but oblivious to what is happening two mins away from where she is now. That’s what I find the most upsetting.

Bunny one thing I disagree with is when you say that people don't ask you about schools. Maybe it's because I'm in a GS area, so there's a lot of 11+ angst, but around here, if people know you have a child in Year 5 or 6, they ask you about it ALL THE TIME. Incessantly and persistently. And not just other parents - everyone. I really, genuinely try to avoid conversations about schools, but it's actually very hard. And that's where Wombat's words of sense fall down slightly - because if you are either definitely or possibly going private, then what is the acceptable response to the question 'Where's Bob going to school then?' that doesn't offend people or make you sound 'chippy'? Anything about class sizes, sports facilities, drama facilities etc sounds like bragging. Anything about style of schooling (you prefer co-ed/SS, more rounded education etc) sounds like you're criticising their choice. Anything about doing the best for your child implies they're not. Even anything general about school funding or teacher recruitment suggests that their child will suffer because of these things. Anything about 'it's the best fit for my child' makes it sound like your child is more special than theirs. While saying 'I'd actually rather not discuss it' makes you sound like a stuck up arse. There is literally no good answer to the question. So far I've tried to go with 'I don't know yet' (which is true), but that's not going to work forever, clearly.

Kestrels surely you can just say "DS is going to the school where I work" in your case. That can hardly be controversial.

No-one needs to justify their choice of school to anyone, especially not with elaborate explanations for why their choice of school is better than someone else's. Even in the state sector people will question why you chose one school over another (or they do round here anyway). I find it hard to believe people are openly critical of school choices to their face (what they say in the privacy of their own home may be another matter ).

Not that I'm being censorious about those who like a drink. I'm a Scot/ Pole - neither nationalities being known for abstinence.

I agree it's really difficult and it's not possible to avoid talking about it at all. However, I think the key is to never be the instigator of the conversation. Yes, answer if asked and if it feels right to ask about their choices in return do so, but just make positive noises or bland comments in response.

In the period before you know where they'll be going, you can say that you'll be applying to several schools (name them if needed) and will just have to wait to see where you get offers. If pushed you can name a favourite and try to make any reasons be just about that school, not that school in comparison to any other 'we liked the feel of it when we looked round'.

After everyone knows where they are going, again don't be the instigator of the discussions, nor get into gossip about who is going where. Just be honest about where your child is going and give a positive reasons which isn't comparative. Don't run down the local schools and if you need to say something, repeat a positive you've heard about one of the locals. Comments about how all the children yore discussing have such supportive parents etc etc help too. Say little. Once there, don't say too much about lots of sporting opportunities, any subjects not offered in most schools, small classes, great results etc etc. Stick to X making friends, teachers seeming nice and other things which aren't too controversial or don't set the school apart from others too much.

Basically, no-one likes hearing that others are receiving something different or better than themselves.....so simply don't say very much that sounds like it. If it helps people to think you're paying entirely unnecessarily, then that's fine - don't try to explain why you're paying or what you think you're getting for your money.

And keep up old friendships. They were your friends before and can be now. And it will be true that some of those children in state schools will be more successful and do better at school than yours, and having a wide range of friends and especially old and local friends is so important and school makes up only a small part of life.

Pyjamas - you'd think. But even if I say DS is (possibly) going to the school where I work, I still get the 'do you think that's better than the state options then, and why?' questions. Plus I then get plenty of 'God, I'd have hated going to school with my mum' comments, as an extra bonus 😁.

Round here people always ask about schools and there are no grammars or anything much different from the next state school. Private schools are for rich people in other areas.
People always want to know as some are ok and others are dire.
Interestingly though, the main CofE secondary offers Latin as well as Physchology. It's the only school in the borough that does.
So my dd school is a talking point, most people are nice, but others look at me as if I've grown an extra head.
A down side is mixing with richer kids as well as poorer can make your child catch posh They start talking posh too, and gain skills you know they wouldn't have done without the school.
Character can be developed as well.

I've already qualified that IDNNP. It's not rude but it's one of the few explanations for this incredibly singular way of writing, like a toddler might think. It's very, very, very, very unusual. TP is fine with my comments - I'm not at all convinced she needs your support and I'm not at all sure why you feel you should shut down my perfectly amiable observations. I have no problem whatsoever with those who like to drink. None at all. If you think it's rude then you must be the pearl clutching moralistic one - I'm very relaxed about almost everything :)

More wise words, Wombat, thanks (I think you're on the wrong thread!). Could you go back ten years and have a word with all the breastfeeding mums who told me they were 'just doing their best for their children' too? I think they need your wise words even more than private school parents.