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Secondary education

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Original poster

Y7 (11) DS being incredibly oblivious and naive...

68 replies

obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 11:55

DS has just started new school. He is outgoing, sporty and loves his friends. He's also very empathetic and caring - he can't ignore anyone who is upset or feeling sad. He doesn't sound unpopular one, does he? However, he has tendency to be rejected by his peers.. I don't know what it is. It could be because of his immaturity in some areas. He is a summer born, just to add more info.

I have a few concerns over his social issues, but what's bothering me most is that he doesn't seem to be aware of any negativity around him. For instance, when someone is obviously very mean to him, he doesn't realise it and says nice things about them, and even refers them as a good friend. This happened at primary school too. Some people told me DS was being bullied or teased, yet DS didn't seem to know about it and kept telling me they were kind, then many months or even a year later he realised they were actually mean!

Today he went to school happily, telling me how nice all other boys were. But I happened to talk to a school staff and now I know the reality is not what he seems to think! No one wanted to pair up with him in a class, etc. He seems to be incredibly oblivious... This naivety worries me a lot.

Now, knowing what happened at primary school is happening again at new school, I am wondering if there is any unseen problem on DS's side, and worrying if it'll end up shadowing his sunny nature... Is there anything I can do to help the situation? Should I consider talking to SEN (no suggestion from school)? Any advice and suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 11:58

Is he naive or is he missing/misinterpreting social cues?

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 12:11

Wolfiefan, thank you for your post. I think both. He believes people very easily. But then I think he is also lacking to read social cues. We do lots of role plays at home, but it's not easy to master for him. I always thought it could be age thing, but now I feel it could be something else.

Just to add more about him.

At primary school, he was one of the younger ones but always one of the most able ones academically. He's also able in many areas including sports and music - won a few scholarships at 11+. However, while other academic or sporty kids were respected by their peers, DS was more like looked down, presumably due to his immature manners. He is impulsive, awkward (knocks things down all the time), chatty. I have to keep reminding him not to disturb others' conversation. Those things would be annoying for others.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 12:12

Is it chatty though or not understanding the conventions surrounding conversations? Like turn taking etc.

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 12:26

He can take turn and have conversations. But sometimes he says things for the sake of saying rather than because he has something to say. When he does it I tell him what he said wouldn't take the conversation anywhere and ask him to think why he said that. He gets it immediately so he knows what he dose and why he shouldn't. It's less now but he still does it.

I felt it was a mix of immaturity and impulsiveness which would be improved by getting older. But perhaps there is something else that prevents him from controlling what he says. Or I may be trying to find a problem unnecessarily?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 12:29

Sometimes kids that age have whole conversations that don’t go anywhere! Wink
Awkward? Is he dyspraxic?

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 12:38

Yes, I meant clumsily rather than awkward. I don't know much about about dyspraxic. His physical coordination isn't poor (he won both sports and music scholarships). However, he knocks things off easily, and hitting his hands and legs daily. He is incredibly impulsive.

OP posts:
BatFacedOK · 05/11/2018 13:13

Oh you're poor little boy. Feel for you. I have a year 7 11 year old too.

I think a small thing you can do is just keep chatting about this stuff with him - guiding him and maybe doing some sort of role play/ scenarios with him.

Does he do all the things his peers do such as gaming etc?

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 13:45

Thanks BatFacedOK.

DS does all the things his peers do and he is into games as others. But he isn't good at this particular game that seems to be very popular among his friends. He used to play with friends online but stopped a while ago. Recently I realised it was because he was removed from the group account as he wasn't good enough. It's not bullying. They just told DS to re-join once he got better. Yesterday he came back from football with a big smile telling me he found a boy who would be a friend for playing the same game online. He had shower quickly and sat in front of TV/PS4. They chatted a bit but didn't play together in the end. Apparently the other boy asked DS how many times he won and DS told him only once then the boy said good-bye. Sad

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 05/11/2018 13:49

I too wonder about dyspraxia when reading your posts. Dyspraxia covers a range of things, so it would be worth your while searching for the Dyspraxia Foundation and looking at some of their checklists to rule it out.

My DD1 has dyspraxia, and she is poor at social cues, and poor proprioception (knowing where her body is), but also rubbish sports skills, poor fine motor and poor executive functioning. Also sensitivity to taste and texture.

Have his eyes been checked recently?

You could ask his school whether they have any social skills groups.

BatFacedOK · 05/11/2018 13:56

Dear oh dear. Is it fortnite by any chance? My son is very kind so if you want him to play with him then do drop me a PM ( and I'm happy to prove who I am so you don't have to have any concerns.) Just an idea as this is making my heart break for him as I've been there with my DS just once or twice very briefly and that was bad enough.

BatFacedOK · 05/11/2018 13:57

I'd also speak to his tutor. Just to ask if she/he has spotted anything and to run your concerns by them. They should be able to at least make some suggestions and also keep an eye out

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 14:02

TeenTimesTwo, thanks for the post. I suspected ADHD before, but never dyspraxia. Although clumsy, he has fine motor skills - an excellent sportsman and instrumentalists (plays complicated instruments to high level). But as two people mentioned it, I'll research and look at the checklists. Is it something earlier diagnose is needed like ADHD or APS? I am feeling very bad that I may have left him struggling without knowing what's wrong with him.

BatFacedOK, yes, it is fortnite... DS vowed to get better but as he cannot play during weekdays he doesn't have much 'practice time'! You are very kind, and I would love to jump in to grab your suggestion but worrying he may end up irritating your lovely son... Don't know how bad he is at the game.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 14:08

There’s not necessarily anything “wrong”. It’s about figuring out how to use the right strategies to support him whether he has dyspraxia, Aspergers etc or whether he’s just another unique individual!!
(I’m a clumsy one who struggles with spatial awareness and finds conversation hard work at times. It’s just how I am!!)

TeenTimesTwo · 05/11/2018 14:09

Dd1 didn't get her dyspraxia diagnosis until she was 15 …

It is a bit weird him having good fine and sports motor skills, but being clumsy. The motor skills bit is, I understand, the core thing with dyspraxia, though I could be wrong.

BatFacedOK · 05/11/2018 14:10

I will speak to him later after school about this. He's empathic by nature and friendly and also a 'young' 11 himself so I'm sure he'll be fine. Just message me if you'd like to

Iizzyb · 05/11/2018 14:10

Op my friend's ds is currently being assessed for Aspergers and he sounds very like your ds. I don't have much knowledge and they are not yet at the point of having a diagnosis but is this a possibility? X

TeenTimesTwo · 05/11/2018 14:14

Dyslexia, dyspraxia and Aspergers seem to overlap quite a lot, so worth looking at all three if only to rule them out.

Etino · 05/11/2018 14:16

You mentioned 11+ and scholarships, what sort of school did he end up in?
Because he sounds like a sizeable proportion of the boys at ds’ academic boys school. If he’s not there already maybe a change at 13+ to single sex and the biggest most academic of the available schools.
He sounds great and so do you!

HPFA · 05/11/2018 14:22

He sounds a lot like my nephew (who has a SEN statement for being on the autistic spectrum) - he is friendly and affectionate, loves to chat and is actually very endearing but I can imagine other children finding him rather exhausting.

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 15:00

Wolfiefan, I am clumsy also and not a social butterfly. But I accept who I am and quite happy with being myself. I hope I can give DS right support and help him feel it's okay to be himsel (though he has to gain more social skills...).

TeenTimesTwo, his motor skills were always excellent even when he was a baby. However he's very clumsy - he bangs his arms and legs (and sometimes the head as well) everyday. I don't know why...

BatFacedOK, I'll PM you. Thank you so much for the kind suggestion.

Etino, he is in a selective school now and he will be there till 18 so no plan of changing school so far. He loves school. But I am not sure if he is socially ok there... Thank you so much for your kind comment on DS and me.

Iizzyb & HPFA, now you mentioned autism... DS had severe tics when he was younger. I researched a lot about it and came across ADHD, autism, APS, etc at the time. I did thought about the possibility but in the end I ruled it out due to his sociable and outgoing nature. He's also easy with changes. But I know there are many different forms of autism. I may have to look at them again... If he needs help I must act sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
t1mum3 · 05/11/2018 15:05

Given that it is school who have alerted you to this, do they have any suggestions?

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 15:16

t1mum3, the stuff I spoke to said DS was energetic and young compared with others around him but said DS was totally how he should be for his age and others were quite mature for their age. He said he would pair DS up with a gentle pupil and see how it would go. Apparently he asked boys who would be happy to pair up with DS and this gentle one was only one to 'volunteer'... Although I appreciate the kind thought, I don't really feel entirely happy with the whole thing. DS told me he has 'a friend' today. I just said to him 'have fun!', because I didn't want to break his heart by telling him all the story behind his back. He may learn from others though.

OP posts:
t1mum3 · 05/11/2018 15:30

My heart is going out to you on this. They are all at such different ages and stages at the start of year seven, and a lot of them won’t really be as mature as they are acting anyway. Sorry, no real advice here just empathy.

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 15:40

Thank you so much for your empathy. I was really upset this morning so ended up gluing myself to screen, researching and posting. I probably just wanted to talk about it and it's really helped me to think how to approach this by hearing many voices here.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 15:42

Whether there’s a specific issue underlying this or not your boy is very lucky to have a parent who looks out for him like you are doing. Good luck.