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Original poster

DD can't sleep in boarding

116 replies

greenbuterfly · 24/10/2018 14:10

DD started boarding in September and seem to have developed a disrupted sleep pattern. She says she sleeps for only about 3 hours each night and falls asleep in lessons. She said some girls are noisy during the night. I think the change and the adrenaline of adapting to a new school together with some triggers/noises created a pattern / habit in which DD is now trapped. I discussed with the school and the messages are mixed. On one side they deny their is a problem because they are not aware of evidence of it, on the other teachers confirm that there is sleepiness in lessons. This half term at home DD goes to bed late and wakes up at 5 a.m. So clearly there is a problem.

Any ideas how to restore the normal sleep?
Did anyone experience this?

OP posts:
ohnothanks · 24/10/2018 23:12

Early waking is a cardinal sign of depression or anxiety. It is the very first sign something is up for 4/5 of the people I know who suffer from depression.

Bear in mind that the apparent trigger, whatever it was, may be only part of the story.

If something very specific has frightened her, then there is no quick fix. She needs talking therapy possibly including CBT, as pps have said.

Ariela · 24/10/2018 23:57

Try this too, lavender is relaxing www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/dr-organic-lavender-sleep-therapy-pillow-spray-60013575

CloudsAway · 25/10/2018 07:43

If you could get any melatonin, that can be helpful in resetting the body clock, and might be something to do over a holiday period.

It's sold off the shelf in other countries, but not in the UK, though I think it can be prescribed. You can get slow-release formulations. I don't know what the recommended ages for it are. I used it to help with jet-lag (bought it in Canada).

stayingaliveisawayoflife · 25/10/2018 07:47

I recommend flare audio sleep ear plugs. I use them nightly and get a good nights sleep because of them. I do still hear my alarm as it's a different noise.

Teaonthelawn · 25/10/2018 08:28

I do not think you will find a quick fix for this. Disturbed sleep is going to detrimentally impact on her overall health and well being and her ability to cope with school. I don't think we have the full story and no 13yr old girl is going to go to bed in ear plugs. How does your daughter feel, is she worried about it, does she have other anxiety issues?

fikel · 25/10/2018 08:42

I do not think you will find a quick fix for this. Disturbed sleep is going to detrimentally impact on her overall health and well being and her ability to cope with school. I don't think we have the full story and no 13yr old girl is going to go to bed in ear plugs. How does your daughter feel, is she worried about it, does she have other anxiety
I agree she might be dreadfully unhappy which is the trigger for all the issues? I would be pulling her out, bringing her back home to neutral territory to get the full picture. Don’t think you can do this when she is still there. Do feel OP is just wanting to put a sticky plaster over everything and I don’t really think you can compare someone’s experience of going away to university ( earlier post ) to a child that probably just needs her family

RueDeWakening · 25/10/2018 08:43

CloudsAway you can buy melatonin off iherb.com and get it delivered to the UK, we do this for our ASD/ADHD 8 year old. He has one strawberry flavour jelly at bedtime (adult dose is 2), it's transformed his sleep.

jellycat1 · 25/10/2018 08:57

We did a ouija board when I was at boarding school and scared the crap out of ourselves. Couldn't sleep for a while but got over it because our days were really busy and full of activities and sport, so sleep came relatively easily. Are they being kept busy enough during the day? You mention gaming - are they on devices before bed?
I sleep with earplugs too and the only ones I like are the 3M yellow ones. Sleep mask also good. Get a light satiny one. Problem with those is that they are quite habit forming. I can't sleep without earplugs now.

ninemillionbicycles · 25/10/2018 08:57

Google Howard Leight lite ear plugs. They are soft and very gently mould to the ear shape, they won't give her infections. My dd slept with them every night for yrs with no issues

Blarneybear · 25/10/2018 09:02

Well OP one of my dds is a bad sleeper and always has been. She's not depressed or at boarding school. She is very clever and puts a lot of pressure on herself.

In the holidays I wake her up at 7 and take phones away at 10pm. A few days of this seems to reset things plus I insist she gets plenty of fresh air. Rescue remedy night stuff helps too. Good luck.

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 25/10/2018 12:16

Melatonin is available on Amazon too I think. I’m not sure that or phenergen would stop the early waking though. However, the placebo effect might be enough to help her.

You could get the Fitbit and put the app on your phone so she doesn’t get obsessed with checking her sleeping? I’m not sure it would sync unless the phone was close to the watch though.

Maybe hide the app on her phone? If she’s like my DSs with a million apps! Then you can log in online?

BertrandRussell · 25/10/2018 12:31

You’re asking for a quick fix but refusing to give any details that might help.

User19991999 · 25/10/2018 19:21

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User19991999 · 25/10/2018 19:22

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The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

User19991999 · 25/10/2018 19:23

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The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

mostdays · 25/10/2018 19:32

To be fair user1999, I drug my child too, with medication to treat his adhd and his conduct disorder and to help him sleep as the adhd and the meds he has for it male that hard. Medicating a child is not inherently wrong.

That said I agree that it needs to be a last resort not a first one. If op's dc cannot sleep at school I think figuring out why and trying to deal with that- which may mean bringing her home- should happen before a pharmacological response is sought.

shiningstar2 · 25/10/2018 20:24

If she is unhappy at school to the point of not sleeping bring her home...what ever the reasons for her being there she won't thrive if she is consistently not sleeping. However if she is happy boarding you obviously need to find ways to help her sleep and help her get back to sleep when she wakes too early. Not sure about all night ear plugs idea. I am a poor sleeper and i have found a kindle with a back light really helpful. I can read myself to sleep and if I wake in the night I reach for the kindle and read until I nod off again. The backlight doesn't disturb my husband as its much dimmer than a bedside light. If she ...and the other girls were allowed this it might help. Don't stir resentment in adolescent girls by getting this as a special privilege for your own daughter lol. If they all have that choice could make for a quieter dorm experience and if your daughter wakes in the night the backlight is unlikely to disturb anyone else.

ohnothanks · 25/10/2018 20:28

I couldn't have slept in a dorm either. I am an only child and sharing a sleeping space to me would have been weird! I've even struggled with it as an adult. Even with a partner :)

CloudsAway · 25/10/2018 20:44

To be fair, the melatonin doesn't mean a long term medicating solution but could possibly be a short term, get her body back on the right sleep rhythm, kind of thing. And the slow-release stuff can help with keeping someone asleep.

i'm assuming the OP has valid reasons for not having her come home right, which could be specialist school, other support at school that's needed, lack of suitable schools or places nearer home, other difficulties at home that mean she wouldn't necessarily sleep better there long term either. I'm sure the OP is trying to do what she can to understand why it's happening and sort out the underlying problem - but sometimes you do still need to 'reset' body clocks to get out of unhelpful patterns.

Original poster
greenbuterfly · 25/10/2018 21:26

I appreciate all advice, so please continue.

I just want to reiterate that of course I am aware and considering the whole range of factors and am weighing them appropriately. I am also aware of specific circumstances in DD's dorm, as I was trying to explain. This is why I am looking at a range of actionable feasible things I can ask DD and the school to do in the short term to address those specific circumstances and restore normal sleep pattern. It does not mean I am not considering broader and longer term factors.

And of course I am aware of Melatonin and its appropriate use through previous experience with DC. No one is 'drugging' children without medical prescriptions.

OP posts:
SwizzelsFizzers · 25/10/2018 21:43

You need to set the fitbit to fine motion (not sure what it is called). Mine used to say that I had slept all night- clearly not the case. I changed the settings and it reflected the time I was awake.

Stickerrocks · 25/10/2018 22:09

I've always been slightly wary of ear plugs in case a fire alarm goes off or there is some other kind of emergency. I have a Roberts Pillowtalk speaker which I keep between my pillows which I listen to the radio with. I have it on a timer to help me drift off and switch it back on in the middle of the night as soon as I wake up. DH swears it doesn't disturb him.

PeggyIsInTheNarrative · 25/10/2018 22:12

Green you don't have to answer but I'm wondering if your DD is neorodiverse? I think for my ND kids, sleep problems are intermittently an issue. They find it hard to sleep if they have to share a room on holiday or on school trips. For them sleep problems wouldn't necessarily automatically mean a sign of depression or severe anxiety (above their normal anxiety).
One likes to sleep with a fan running, another wouldn't cope with any noise due to sensory issues.

Try 5 minute breathing space together (lots online). Good luck.

fluffycatinahat · 25/10/2018 22:24

As well as talking to school and problem solving sleep environment you could teach her some progressive muscle relaxation or breathing exercises during the daytime at half term then she'd have a skill for when she's gadgetless during the night and wants to settle. Look on YouTube or kids section of headspace.

I do headspace kids sleep one together with my dd sometimes

Maursh · 25/10/2018 22:45

OP, the thing that stands out most to me is that this sleeping pattern has continued when she was home over half-term So it seems that the issue is less to do with noise disturbance and more (maybe) to do with the "incident". I would forget about the ear-plugs, background noise is something we adjust to fairly rapidly.

Sleep-deprivation is a self-destructive path and she is missing her opportunity to catch up. Is she happy to sleep during the day? (not advocating it, but indicates her state of mind). Would she sleep better at home if you shared the room with her (ie feels more safe)?