DD can't sleep in boarding

[greenbuterfly]

DD started boarding in September and seem to have developed a disrupted sleep pattern. She says she sleeps for only about 3 hours each night and falls asleep in lessons. She said some girls are noisy during the night. I think the change and the adrenaline of adapting to a new school together with some triggers/noises created a pattern / habit in which DD is now trapped. I discussed with the school and the messages are mixed. On one side they deny their is a problem because they are not aware of evidence of it, on the other teachers confirm that there is sleepiness in lessons. This half term at home DD goes to bed late and wakes up at 5 a.m. So clearly there is a problem.

Any ideas how to restore the normal sleep?
Did anyone experience this?

Should say dd, blooming auto correct!

If she's not sleeping at home either, then it's not to do with noises and earplugs aren't going to help.

I don't think it is unusual for some children to have trouble settling into boarding school and some will take longer than others to find their equilibrium.

OP obviously has her reasons for sending the child away for school in the first place so I doubt it's as straight forward as bringing her home.

I'd expect a boarding school to have experience of dealing with this though and that you'd be getting better advice from them, who know your child, than you will from a bunch of strangers on-line. It's very concerning if they are unable to help IMO.

I can see now it was Barbarian's proposal for sleep restriction programme.

Any experience of what / how the school could do?

I sleep all night with ear plugs, they dull the sound of husband snoring! I also use a Vic nasal spray, don't know whether or not I need it but sometimes my nose has been a bit 'stuffy' and it helps. Get several pairs of ear plugs because they are easily lost and get dirty (I put mine in those little 'netty' bags in the washing machine).

An eye mask is a good idea but get one that's comfortable, I had one that irritated me terribly and wasn't worth the effort.

Just having a few props may settle your daughter but she is still adjusting, it's not always easy.

It took my daughter half a term or so to get used to sharing her room at school, now she sleeps through anything. That said do try to see if there's any other problems, disturbed sleep can be indicative or other issues from mental health issues to hormones.

They didn't say there were unable to help, to be fair, just that they were seeing her sleeping, which is neither here nor there. I am just trying to define what I could ask for in the discussion with school which needs to follow soon.

I'm a bad sleeper. When it flares up badly I have needed treatment for anxiety and depression. It helped almost immediately.

Silicone ear plugs are my friend.

Is she happy at school? Kx

Is it a mainstream or specialist school?

In my experience it is unusual for boarding house staff to do rounds in the middle of the night, I also doubt they'd be staffed to do any 'sleep intervention' late at night/ very early.

Could she swap to an individual room?

If it's a specialist school, I'd just talk to them and see what they generally do for poor sleepers.

OTT is jumping straight from a child who isn't sleeping well in a new environment to declaring that she is mentally ill and shouldn't be at a boarding school.

I had terrible sleep habits as a teen at boarding school, staying up chatting with friends, sleeping in the library during the day. I had a great time and was not mentally ill.

Maybe if she is an early riser, she just needs to go to bed earlier, with ear plugs, so she isn't disturbed by the noise, but has had enough sleep by 5am, if that is when she wakes naturally.

She is really happy, but obviously it is a huge adjustment.

I also doubt they'd be staffed to do any 'sleep intervention' late at night/ very early
Yes, I think so too, hence I am scanning for a well tried quick fix

I can see why you are worried, this will affect both her education and mental health, she has had a full term already so any issues should have settled down.

I am not sure I would be satisfied with the house mistress' response at all.

Is your dd homesick? Getting on okay with the other girls? Generally doing okay, or is it just all quite hard at the moment?

The flight or fight mode is probably stopping her from sleep. This pattern of behaviour usually present when an adult or child is distressed and alert. It is not something she can over ride, as it is her body's response to her surroundings, telling her may not feel 'safe'. I have had this too, and it is quite difficult to overcome. You need to know for sure that she is with kind and gentle girls, and is relaxed, and perhaps getting to the root of the problem in her dorm and why she isn't relaxed before sleeping is going to be the only way forward.

The school need to take it much more seriously.

The 'right' school is only right if she is doing well and coping, it isn't right if these things aren't happening. I would want a resolution by christmas at the very latest, make this clear to the school.

Can you flexi board? So she can catch up at the weekends?

This pattern of behaviour usually present when an adult or child is distressed and alert. It is not something she can over ride, as it is her body's response to her surroundings, telling her may not feel 'safe'. .. and it is quite difficult to overcome.

This is close to what I think is happening. A specific trigger in the room combined with the upheaval of the adjustment to a new school and boarding. I don't want to go into details, but I am aware of the specific problem in dorms that triggered this. It is not really a threat, but a creepy experience. It is not malicious / bad behaviour and is not easily if at all fixable by the school.

So if it is a trigger you may need to address it differently possibly with something like CBT or similar especially if to DD has been badly affected by something in her dorm, and is being triggered each and every night. This is unlikely to get better without help and could get worse.

A creepy experience can be just as serious as anything else, esp if she is waking up alone in the middle of the night and can't sleep because she is scared. That can be quite a terrifying experience in itself if she feels threatened in some way.

I would explore CBT or move her to another dorm (if possible) for a few nights and see if it makes any difference.

It has clearly made a real impact on her if she is also suffering at home, effectively bringing it home with her.

The ear plugs (yellow and pink ones) are excellent. Dh snores and they are the best I've tried britishsnoring.co.uk/shop.php?PHPSESSID=k4nrbkrde86ceq90gq8sgkmte6

Op it's trial and error to find ear plugs that work best. I like foam ones but even then I need to try several as I have small ear canals. Boots do a good range. I go for the dark blue long foam ones that are easily moulded. And then I wear ear muffs on top to keep them in and double sound insulated. Try test before you buy Bose silence headphones. They are not plugged into a device . They work on their own.

Work on the causes of the triggers and the creepy experience, it may be that when she feels triggered by her experience she is taught to stroke her teddy or to visualise a calm and happy place, meditate etc.

You may need some professional help if you want to see a solution sooner rather than later, I would not advise leaving this just to resolve though, chances are it will continue to play out.

If you can do this with her during the holidays, and resolve it at home she may manage much better at school.

Keep supporting and listening to her.

I think I should be arguing that moving DD to a different dorm might break the pattern and remove the trigger. Unless they are prepared to go for complex middle of the night sleep intervention that they are not funded for. I agree that it will get worse if not dealt with quickly.

How many girls are in the dorm and what age ?

There are 4 girls in the room. They are different age, 11 to 13 years old. I don't know how the other girls responded to the trigger. DD says they are also 'annoyed'. They are all aware of it. It is definitely not the case that DD feels unsafe or uncared for on a rational level. She is not at risk of harm. It is just that subliminal fight or flight physiological response to a huge adjustment combined with a specific trigger. I can obviously see how the trigger could be perceived, experienced by DD as someone frightening, hence I called it creepy.

On one side they deny their is a problem because they are not aware of evidence of it, on the other teachers confirm that there is sleepiness in lessons
So your dd saying she is having sleeping problems is not enough for them, they want evidence?

This all sounds very unsavoury!
Your kid is very young and loves away, she can't sleep
She's living at a new school she doesn't know and knows nobody there
There was an 'incident' which has had led to a relatively long term upsetting reaction
She's sleeping in lessons
The school isn't responding
You're not stepping in
Your child is suffering

I'd be in the car by now

Was it a ouiji board or something like that?

Thinking along same lines as Bertrand, was there a ghost sighting or something?

I can recommend Max-lite earplugs, you can get them on ebay.
They are the only ones that don't hurt my ears because they are so soft.