Dreading move from private to state - help me feel more positive!

[LeatherSuitcase]

My DS has been at prep school for years 5 & 6, we'd hoped for grammar like my older DS but he just missed out.

DS is now heading to our local state school for year 7 onwards. He went for transition day and hated it and neither of us are feeling very positive about the new school (though I'm hiding this obviously). Apart from Eng and Maths all the classes are mixed ability and he's worried (and so am I) that he'll be bored after the pace and level at his prep school. Also he's done two years of French and Spanish at prep so is predicting being bored for two years in those subjects.

I've had some other threads under different user names exploring mine and my husband's dilemmas re keeping him in the prep school versus sending him to the local state school. If I had more money and a DH that supported me I'd rather keep him at the private school where he's currently very happy (it runs to end of year 8). But I can't do that and now I'm dreading the new school and feeling miserable.

How can I cheer the h*ll up and embrace this new phase and also stop worrying that I'm ruining his life by taking him away from somewhere where he's happy and making him go somewhere he's decided he doesn't like?

I remember you from the mixed ability thread and you seemed so much more positive by the end of that. You seem to have reworded that thread for this, in order to get points of view that support your rather apocalyptic theory.

There are many many people who are successful and went to state school : most of the population do! It can seem that is not the case when you are in a private school/grammar school bubble. Equally, there are some very bad private schools!

You have said your DH opposes private : but your DS did go there in years 6/7, so how did you win him over at that point?

I cna see your concerns about MFL but honestly can't see the angst about mixed ability. It seems a very demonised term to you. And it doesn't seem like reassurances on the other thread have helped. Just being taught mixed ability in a state comp does not lead to failing GCSES and a life on benefits! You really need to stop this doomsday talk....I mean that nicely.

Good and supportive parenting and positive partnerships with any school see kids through.

Your DS is bright but not super duper bright. he will eb one of the brighter ones in his new school and that wil be good for his self esteem. I find it an odd 11 year old who complains about not being stetched and the pace of lessons : they tend not to come up with those gripes unprompted.

Go in positively : you can always pull him out surely if it's a disaster?

NobleGiraffe is a well respected maths teacher who has given invaluable advice to many posters since I have been on Mumsnet under this user name and a previous one.

I think it is she who is getting the bum deal on this thread. The OP's initial post is full of angst about the situation of having to send her DS to state school and even the title of the thread suggest in some way that her DS having to go to state school is some terrible thing.

I also agree that despite OP's contention that she has somehow managed to hide her anxiety about the situation kids are more perceptive than we think and DS will have picked up on that.

OP - I do think there will be other children with a similar ability to your child. Indeed he may end up being near the bottom of the set subjects but will still have the chance to be at the top end for the others especially languages.

The main thing is you are interested in his education so you will be able to support him at home by finding appropriate worbooks, youtube videos etc. Also if you find he is "flying" at school most schools will have some form of extension work to stretch their able students.

There is some jealously and bitterness on this thread ( and there was on your last one too OP)
I can understand how you feel, we were really worried dd wouldn’t do well enough in the 11+ and she would end up at the local Comp.
Before anyone accuses me of hating all Comps I am talking about ONE SPECIFIC SCHOOL I KNOW QUITE WELL. Teachers I know who work there even said it wouldn’t suit DD. Luckily a change in circumstances meant we didn’t have to worry about it anymore which was great.
BUT you know what OP, despite what I thought if DD had had no other option than the comp I would have turned in an Oscar worthy performance about how great the school is.
It’s ok to be concerned and express that concern here, even if some people get offended by it, but if your son is going to that school in September then you are going to have to make the best of it. There must be some positives about it so focus on those, it might work out really well

i understand where you are coming from.
ds is highly unlikely to fail his gcses. he is likely to be pushed at home and school. he is likely to be at the higher end of most classes. he is also likely to benefit from being a bigger fish in a smaller pond.
if i were you i would be as upbeat as possible. make sure he is on top of homework and trying hard. praise effort, not attainment. encourage friendships.praise him for going to anything extra curricular.

I know lots of people who would suggest that private junior school and state senior( not necessarily grammar) is the best option for DC. Their organisational skills will have been honed and they will used to homework, revision and pacing their work. At a mixed ability School he will be in a position to express himself. As a pp says , you are invested in his education and it already sounds as if he is too.As to the thread about mixed ability education , I read that with interest and took from it that almost all children benefit apart from the exceptionally bright who might not be quite as advantaged. I didn't get the message that reasonably able children would miss out.
Your DC is starting seniors like so many others. Even in the grammars they start everything from scratch in year 7 as the new pupils are coming in from a wide range of junior schools.
You have dark glasses on OP, put on rose coloured ones for the rest of the holidays .

Blimey, giraffe, what happens if some 'posh' child turns up in your class, or one of the children foolishly lets slip their parents voted Tory?
Are they subject to the same sarcasm and rudeness that anyone you disagree with on here receives?

There are plenty of posh kids and Tory voters in state schools

I wouldn't worry too much about mixed ability, for a lot of subjects it will work really well and the big two are taught in sets anyway

My SIL works in a school that has moved to mixed ability and results for everyone improved - she was really surprised.

I understand knowing French and Spanish already might make that particular hour of the week a bit slow, but hopefully the teacher will differentiate.

Perhaps focus on what clubs are available to cheer him up a bit

As I said on your other thread my dc go to a school that uses mixed ability teaching. Able dc get reams of good gcses. In fact iirc the progress8 of your school, is really excellent, so it's clear that this school does well by its students.

It's likely that your dc will fin d some repetition in language lessons. However some of the dc in these lessons will be fluent already because they are bilingual or it is their native language. Schools are used to dealing with more able linguists.

Why not give the school a try before panicking? If it is really as dreadful as you fear, although the stats do 't support this, there are always options to move later. His life will not be over because of a bad school year (unlikely anyway).

Blimey, giraffe, what happens if some 'posh' child turns up in your class, or one of the children foolishly lets slip their parents voted Tory?

I teach them maths, same as all the other kids. What an odd question.

DSS is in a secondary modern. It's bloody dire. Will he achieve the grades he would have if he'd gone to the grammar? Nope. If he'd gone to a comp? Nope. BUT now that you have a good job and some cash to spend prepare to get tutors to fill any gaps but also to stretch him sideways. Have a look at some great STEM summer camps or Drama. Whatever he's into. It will help inspire him and put him with other motivated bright kids. Those kinds of experiences can be transformative. Basically you need the school to be adequate and you can support around it. The thing I'd watch hard is the pastoral care and peer group. If that starts to go south I'd move him to the other state option.

Another option is to look and see if you might qualify for a bursary from any of the local private schools.

OP, I think you and your ds are making an awful lot of assumptions about the new school and what it will be like. With respect, you have no idea at all if he will be among the brightest when he gets there - it is rather arrogant to assume that he will be at the top of the year purely on the basis of his 11+ results, especially as the prep school probably gave those results a boost that may have been disproportionate to his real ability.

You're also making all sorts of assumptions about things like modern languages - plenty of state primaries teach French from Year 3, for example, and most schools probably have a few bilingual pupils.

If your son is already saying that he is going to be bored in his new school before he has even started, I would suggest that he has a bit of an attitude problem. I would also suggest that you think long and hard about where that attitude might be coming from, and about the extent to which you may be contributing to that. If he starts the new school with a bit of a superiority complex and a belief that the school isn't quite good enough for him, I doubt he'll make many friends and he is unlikely to learn much either.

You are doing your son a terrible disservice in being so incredibly negative about the school - and whether you are explicit with him about your concerns or not, he will pick up on your anxiety. I appreciate that you had a bad educational experience yourself, but you now need to put that behind you and stop projecting it onto your son and his experience. Otherwise, your desire for him to succeed is in danger of being the single thing that actually causes him to fail.

I borrowed the money to send him to private for two years because I wanted to give him the best chance possible at a better education than I had.

you thought you could buy intelligence.

Either way having just missed the passmark by 0.25 of a mark he's obviously going to be at the top (academic ability wise) of his future school

no, you don't understand hoe the 11+ works, the cut off between pass and fail is likely to have hundreds of children within 0.25 of a mark on either side, and in any case, passing 11+ is no guarantee of a grammar school place, particularly tight at the bottom end of the "pass" cohort.

He has demonstrated himself not to be in the top 25% academically, in spite of 2 years at a prep school, which specifically prepares children for such exams.... that is the meaning of the word "prep"

he is in the middle 50% of the school population - what we call band 2. He is in band 2, as are half of all children in comprehensives around the country.

the open morning was just a year 8 girl walking along corridors that is exactly what an open morning is, a chance to see a normal school day in progress, usually with a student as a guide.

I am TERRIFIED of my children failing their GCSEs and having a life like I did. I would move heaven and earth to avoid this

well, if you are prepared to actively support him and support the school, then he has an advantage far far greater than attending a grammar school

the open morning was just a year 8 girl walking along corridors

It's interesting you mention this. I went to look at a lot of schools for dd, both state and private. Both private schools and one of the state schools (a failing comp) took a really "hard sell" approach - lots of glossy marketing materials and lots of "special" activities designed to show us how wonderful the schools were. At all three, were talked at by teachers and well-coached sixth-formers. I hated the whole set-up.

At the school we eventually chose, we were invited in on a normal day, or in the evening, and shown around by a couple of delightful Year 7 pupils who showed us whatever we wanted to see and answered all of our questions. We also had opportunities to chat to the teachers and ask what we wanted. No sales pitch, no scripts, just a chance to see what the school was like on an ordinary day.

Did you not appeal for him to go to grammar? If he is super bright then I’m sure the school should have supported such appeals? Sorry if that’s not how it works in your area.

That's funny. I have a DD moving from state to private & I'd dreading it! Guess there's all kinds of ways to be unhappy about what our kids do.

One of the most important lessons in life is not what we achieve when things go well but how well we cope when life has set backs. Thats what makes us more resilient, wiser and empathetic to others when they struggle. Focus on modelling the positivity and optimism your son will need - all transitions to secondary are daunting for all new pupils - who is to say his transition to the grammar would be easy? He will have plenty of bumps and challenges throughout secondary school - nearly everyone does and think about all the things he will learn and how his resilience will grow as he grows from boy to man. The likelihood he will crash and burn at GCSE's? Evaluate it rationally - you have no reason to think thats going to happen. Get on with enjoying your summer and looking forward to new beginnings. Fussing and worrying won't change where he's going or how he'll fare. It just might surprise you if you both go into it with an open mind. Move on.

He might have only failed the grammar school test by a mark but all those who pass do not go to grammar schools - the actual mark needed to get in is normally far higher. So there are probably a number of students at or above his level.

He will definitely be sensing your worry and concern.

I’ve moved mine from prep to comp. I didn’t sit them for grammar schools because we aren’t in a grammar area and the grammar we do have is super super selective and I wasn’t interested in putting them through it.

Both of them have absolutely thrived. Eldest has just finished year 10 on mainly 7’s with a 6 and an 8 with a year to go. He’s far from the brightest in his year. Don’t worry a jot about languages, they learn very little at prep and even the most selective private schools start from scratch at 11 as so many will never have done it before.

With the best will in the world, prep schools are great for maths, English and nice neat handwriting and I’ve no regrets, I’ve still one in prep but they’re really not a hundred miles from a decent primary school and your son isn’t going to be bored or stand out. I think you need to make that clear to him too as 11 year olds shouldn’t be thinking that they’re better than everyone else.

I get why posters might disagree with the OP Or think she is overreacting but there is no need for the nasty and snide posts. Some of the posters in here seem set to try and upset the OP. I don't understand why.

Is it that hard to explain to the OP why you don't agree with her without resorting to insults.

OP I can understand that you are disappointed that your son didn't get into grammar - you want the best for him and that is totally understandable.

Please though, try to think positive about the state school - your son will most likely be fine.

I teach in a pretty average state school that gets good results (on a par with the local, private grammar for A-level).

When I plan my transition lesson, I tend to plan something fun and fairly straightforward (I teach science). The reason for this is that the taster lessons always and up being a bit shorter due to children finding their way around. In addition, at the point of transition day, the KS2 data hasn't come through so I know very little about the children in terms of prior attainment and their strengths/weaknesses. I want all pupils to be able to have a good to at the activities rather than some not be able to access the task.

When I get my new Y7 classes in September, I will have all of their KS2 data, SEN info and other info from primary. All of this will allow me to pitch lessons appropriately, putting in support for those who need it and challenging the higher attainers.

Please encourage your son not to too assume the taster day lessons are an accurate representation of actual lessons.

With languages - lots of primaries do languages to some degree and children come in at all different starting points. A good MFL teacher will differentiate accordingly.

Look at other things the school offers that may be of interest - sports, drama, science clubs, debating clubs etc. He is bound to find something which he enjoys and I am sure he will make lots of friends.

Also he's done two years of French and Spanish at prep so is predicting being bored for two years in those subjects
There are children at dd's comp with French parents' so they'd probably be more advanced than kids who'd learned it for two years. I can't comment on how well they are catered for as I've not spoken to them, but i know someone with a child who is very advanced at maths in the school and the parents don't feel he is not being challenged

"DSS is in a secondary modern. It's bloody dire. Will he achieve the grades he would have if he'd gone to the grammar? Nope"
Why do you think that? Mine did.

My DD did French and Spanish at her prep...so secondary put her straight into German
Don't write them off yet!