Dreading move from private to state - help me feel more positive!

[LeatherSuitcase]

My DS has been at prep school for years 5 & 6, we'd hoped for grammar like my older DS but he just missed out.

DS is now heading to our local state school for year 7 onwards. He went for transition day and hated it and neither of us are feeling very positive about the new school (though I'm hiding this obviously). Apart from Eng and Maths all the classes are mixed ability and he's worried (and so am I) that he'll be bored after the pace and level at his prep school. Also he's done two years of French and Spanish at prep so is predicting being bored for two years in those subjects.

I've had some other threads under different user names exploring mine and my husband's dilemmas re keeping him in the prep school versus sending him to the local state school. If I had more money and a DH that supported me I'd rather keep him at the private school where he's currently very happy (it runs to end of year 8). But I can't do that and now I'm dreading the new school and feeling miserable.

How can I cheer the h*ll up and embrace this new phase and also stop worrying that I'm ruining his life by taking him away from somewhere where he's happy and making him go somewhere he's decided he doesn't like?

LeatherSuitcase IME as a teacher (three very different schools over the last 20+ years) I can tell you that the children who do best are the ones whose parents are interested in and personally (not financially) invested in their education. Your DS will be fine because he has you and you are clearly very interested in him doing well. Try not to worry about it. Ignore the other mum. My DTDs have just finished Year 7 and have had a great year. When I found out which school they were going to, one of my colleagues told me it was a huge mistake - her DD was in Year 11 there and had had a terrible time. She couldn't wait to get out and start 6th form in a different school. If I'd listened to her, I would have been dreading it but it's suited my girls perfectly. Not every school fits every child.

I would treat what one parent says with caution. Also, and I know it's hard, try not to project your own negative experience onto your son and a school you know very little about. You are not your parents. This school is not your school. Your son is not you. This is an entirely different situation.

One massive thing he's got going in his favour is keen parental input re his education. This will enhance the work of the school.

I do feel that noble has a point. His prep school may have got the best out of him and it still didn't equip him with the knowledge and ability to knock spots off the competition at 11+.

Your DS chose this school. He will not be the brightest child there and he will be fine.
I suspect the biggest hurdle for him will be not having his old Y6 classmates alongside him, he will need to make new friends. Schools work very hard on transition to ensure established groups are in different classes to enable new friendships to be made.
My DC went to a tiny village school with a year group of five. They soon made new friends at the local comp.
It was a school with average results but they both got all A* at GCSE and A level. They couldn't have done any better at a grammar school.

Think back. You may be keeping quiet about your views now but perhaps you didn't earlier on in the process? Children are not daft.

One thing you could do asap to help is to try and get him into any local sports activities or clubs alongside others who will go to his school?

My mother has taught languages all her life and has a rather dim view of children like your son. I think he needs to buck up, if he acts like a stuck up prat he will find it very difficult to fit in. It's a bitter pill to swallow but try to focus on the positives.

I am TERRIFIED of my children failing their GCSEs

What on earth makes you think that your child will fail their GCSEs? You’ve said they’re bright. They’ve had a boost from a prep school. Even state schools manage get to kids through their GCSEs.

If your kid disengages with school, then kick him up the arse. Tell him how important education is and how important it is to engage with teachers and lessons even if he thinks it’s beneath him.

Bright children with parents who value education and have the financial resources to fund the type of experiences many families can't (books, museum trips, holidays to foreign countries, private tutoring) will do very well anywhere.

As a pp said, not all Y6 students will have taken the grammar entrance exam. There may be students there who would have sailed into the grammar if they had. Equally, there'll be a bunch of other students who barely missed out on the pass mark like your DS. Being part of a very able bunch of students, but near the top of the year group, might actually be a great confidence-booster for your DS after the disappointment of missing out on a grammar place.

Even if you're not convinced yet, just feign enthusiasm until you see for yourself that it's not as bad as you were expecting. Good luck to you both!

noblegiraffe I'm sorry you feel my thread is insulting to people. It's not my intention. All my colleagues and friends' children are attending and doing well at state school.

I'm sitting here in floods of tears at your posts to me - I'm not sure of your background but I'd imagine it's not possible for whatever reason for you to empathise with me and understand what a state I'm in. When you come from a difficult background where you did badly and it held you back (and killed your mental health) for most of your adult life it makes you feel pretty kind of paranoid about education I suppose. The way I feel is that other people's children will do well at whichever school they go to because they are from good solid family backgrounds. Whereas my kids come from me and I fucked my own life up big time, so what chance do they have to turn out well?

Thanks to anyone who is being supportive. F*ck off to anyone else with your assumptions and prejudices.

We had a similar situation. My bright DD worked hard for the 11+ and got into a very good and very nice grammar school. But I lost my job and we had to move house. She had to go to the local comprehensive, which has no ability setting at all - so I envy you the English and maths setting! I'm a strong believer in ability setting - which certainly benefits more academic children, so I have found it frustrating. There is almost no homework at the comprehensive, either. The way we have handled it has been to do extra things with her at home, where she can be stretched and gain important additional skills. Using eg online tutors and correspondence courses. I feel much more relaxed now. And as she moves up the school I think that things become better (fingers crossed ), as children who are bad at or dislike certain subjects drop them. An advantage I've seen is that she is learning self study skills, and we have been able to choose things for her to focus on that she is very interested in and which should be very useful in later life.

OP the fact that you care about your child's education will benefit him.

OP there are some great state schools out there, even the ones in shitty neighbourhoods. There are so many great teachers who strive to do their best for their students. I have know of a kid from a state school in a poor area going on to Yale and others have gone on to be national debate champions and meet the royal family. Please try and see the positive in this situation.

Look at the school's results. Does it look as if a lot of high achieving kids fail their GCSEs? If so, you've got a problem. If not, you haven't. Look at the OFSTED. Remember that teenagers sometimes do disengage regardless of the school they're at. And parents often find it easier to blame the school.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to stop making this about you and your life choices. You say you fucked your life up. Clearly you didn't, because despite a difficult start and home life you now have a good job and are engaging wholeheartedly in the education of your children.

Both my parents came from poor families, and we didn't have a lot of money, but they both really valued education and raised my sister and me to do well at school. A very rough comprehensive, as it happened.

You need to focus your efforts on nipping in the bud ideas of being bored or 'not stretched' and instead focus your son's thoughts on being at the school of his choosing, being able to make new friends, and being able to learn loads of exciting new stuff. He will be supported and stretched in his learning because he has you.

What did you prefer about the other school?

OP, sounds like you have a disposition to become overwhelmed by circumstances. Well done for starting this thread to try and be more positive about your ds's start in comp. Try to see the positives yourself and you will be more likely to pass that to your ds. Try to pass on an attitude of making the best of everything, working hard, being resilient and doing your best. This is what will make him successful, not the school he goes to, or even the exam results he gets. Life is a long journey. I have twins, ds who is very academic, but can be lazy and unmotivated and dd who is much less gifted, but works really hard and pushes herself. She's very open to learning and getting ideas for improving. She is so determined. I have no doubt she will go far with that.

Sounds like your ds may be projecting feeling upset about not getting into the grammar like his brother and also perhaps losing a chunk of his friendships. This is totally understandable but it's not the new school's fault. In fact, in the long term, if your ds2 is not as academic as ds1, it may do him good to be separated so he compares himself less. He should also be nearer the top than the bottom, which will also do his confidence a great deal of good. This school will want his results desperately and may invest more in him as a result.

I do understand a bit of what you went through in terms of moving secondaries. I moved only once and it really killed me/ my confidence. If your ds stays put, this will not be the case for him. You don't need to worry. He has a parent who cares and probably stability in school. I promised myself that I will never move my kids during secondary school years.

OP you're getting a rough time from some posters.

He will more than likely flourish in the state school. He may be worried not because he thinks he will be bored but because moving to secondary school is a big change and can cause anxiety. What if you found out about clubs he could join? Would that help make him more excited about it? Does he know anyone in his year group?

I know lots of teachers/HT's, who choose to send their children to outstanding state schools, even though they could afford private school as they feel they will become better rounded individuals.

My daughter was fluent in french by 6, her school still pushed her, she sat the GCSE a couple of years early, and she was given the opportunity to learn an additional language to her year group.

Im sure he will find a lovely group of friends and achieve his potential- you will probably look back on this in a couple of years and wonder why you were so worried.

OP I am really sorry you are crying at my posts, that was not my intention.

You say that colleagues and friends have children doing successfully at state schools. You are instead terrified that your bright DS will fail his GCSEs. This is not normal behaviour. You are focusing your anxiety on this school, which you can do nothing about, and obsessing about any sign that it will be less than optimal.

You say you’ve struggled with mental health in the past. If you are feeling miserable and anxious, perhaps it would be better to visit the GP than posting on here?

OP I can understand your fears but it sounds like you arw projecting them onto your son.
My dd2 went from tiny private prep to large grammar at 11 and thrived. I was terrified for her.
The languages, well you and ds maybe in for a shock. My dd2 had been doing French since kindergarten and at yr 7 didn't really seem that further forward than the girls from local primaries who'd done a few years.
If your ds starts saying he will be bored in French and Spanish maybe point out that the state primaries teach it too, and many kids will have bilingual homes etc so he might not be as good as he thinks... In a gentle jokey way.
Ditto all the other subjects.
I always said 'yep baby bean... There will always be people less able than you but probably always be people better than you too... Do your best and compete against yourself only'

IIRC the school he is going to has good / very good Progress 8 results, including for high achievers.

That means that reasonably able children (the bar for 'high achievers' is not VERY high) who go to this school achieve better at GCSE than they would if they were at an 'average' school. So the chances are that your child WILL make good progress art the school, and given a reasonably high starting point, that will mean he is statistically likely to get good GCSEs.

However, it really does matter that he arrives at the school with a positive, 'I can succeed at this school', 'I'm here to work' attitude, and it is part of your job as a parent to model this for him.

You're overthinking this and catastrophising things.

It's not the worst thing in the world to go to a state school (grammar schools are also state schools)

Just be careful that he doesn't pick up on your wirries and fears.

Noble I do think you've been unkind and there was no need for that.

OP I am sure he'll be fine. All children are nervous about starting school, and it may be tricky at first.

I also think it's quite normal to feel sudden panics about what you're doing for your DC in terms of schooling, particularly if they failed your first choice.

But give it a chance. If he gets a great education, for nothing, in a good state school then he'll be in a better situation for the future than if you'd spent all that money on him going private.

And if it turns out to be no good (highly unlikely) after a decent time has elapsed, THEN you think again.

No need to stress now. Honestly!

OP I can understand why you are fearful. I'm a teacher and have taught in a wide range of schools, from private boarding to inner city comp. My own dc go to my local state schools. The best thing you can do is put on a brave and positive face, try to put aside your preconceptions and see how it goes. Your ds may end up loving the school! You are clearly very engaged with his education - supportive, interested parents give any child a headstart. Don't worry too much about the French and Spanish - state primary schools do at least a couple of years of MFL these days.

I can see why NobleGiraffe is irritated though tbh. The majority of people would be happy to send their child to a decent state school. Seeing that denigrated as a last resort could feel pretty insulting.

Op I can see how you are disappointed and why you have some concerns.
Have you spoken to your current school about bursary support to keep him on there? It might be worth a chat if you can afford some of the fees

I did a whole thread on mixed ability classes and there were so many posters who felt they benefited lower and middle ability but not top

But he didn't pass, so he's middle ability, yes?

I work in a school that has super-selective grammars nearby, their intake comes partly from our catchment. Our intake is way above national average in terms of ability- many parents opt out of selection. Lots who just miss the grammar cut-off are really around the middle of our intake in terms of ability. We really push them all, regardless off ability, and our progress at KS4 and at KS5 is better than all but one of the grammar schools.

No idea why you are dreading it. That's a poor attitude and one your DC will definitely pick up on even if you think you aren't showing it.

Both my DC went to private Prep up to Y6 because the school was a great fit them both, very local to us and offered great wrap around care which enabled me to carry on with my career.

They are also both going to state secondary, DD will be going into Y11 and DS into Y7 In September. It's an excellent school and DD has loved it there. I feel it's a better option for us than the private secondaries near us which are expensive and offer flashy facilities but in my view produce students who are less well rounded than our school.

In fact we turned down a scholarship at one of the private schools to take up her place at the state school. No regrets 4 years in and GCSEs next summer.