DS didn't pass 11+ - how to feel less sad about upcoming school allocation

[PersonAtHome]

DS1 passed the 11+ and is happy and thriving at the local grammar school.

DS2 narrowly missed the pass score and so he won't be going.

I feel utterly miserable about the upcoming school allocations on the 1st March because none of the options on our form are anywhere near the standard of the local grammar. I feel like one child will have a good future and the other won't and I just feel so utterly disappointed at how it's worked out and worried about the standard of education that DS2 will receive.

Anyone else going through or been through similar?

none of the options on our form are anywhere near the standard of the local grammar

How are you measuring this? If on % passes then the other school could be very good and still have way worse results.

DS2 will be hopefully in top sets rather than possibly bottom sets of the grammar. That may be way better for his self esteem.

He can be his own person, not DS1's brother.

There may be a wider range of creative or practical options so DS2 may find something he enjoys to add to his academics.

He may need to learn to be more focussed and self driven than his brother which may stand him in good stead later in life.

(haven't been through this, luckily live in an all comp area).

We're in a comp area so didn't do 11+, but i grew up in an 11+ area and went to grammar myself. I found it a bit terrifying to send dd to a comp but dd (year 9) has been so happy. Much happier than at primary and she has come out of her shell. She has a lovely group of friends and is doing well academically, enjoying clubs. She hasn't had kids be horrible to her like at primary. Hope it goes well for your ds. Does he have any friends going up with him?

How does your DS2 feel about his choices? I am sure he will settle well at his allocated school, a comp education does not prevent him from having a bright dynamic future! Results and league tables only tell a very small part of the story of a school.

Equally a grammar education is no guarantee of a bright future. All schools have challenges and non are perfect, DD and DS's grammar schools have both had their fair share of truancy/bullying/mental health issues/drug use/teenage pregnancy etc.

In fact the pressures of a selective schools do not always suit even the brightest of students. Siblings will often compare themselves to each other but if you positively reinforce their own individuality this usually isn't a huge issue.

As a last resort and if he really does't settle in his school there may be an option to take the 12 +/13 + if your area offers it. There is also the option of grammar sixth form later down the line.

Thanks for the replies, it's all very helpful.

I thought I'd made my peace with the results when we got them in October but I think I'm just having a last minute panic now the school allocation results are due on the 1st March.

DS2 and 1 are very different characters. DS1 is very motivated academically. DS2 is just as bright but not as motivated, so I'd been keen on the grammar for him as he would have been surrounded by bright kids and a hard working ethos and I feel he would have been pushed to do his best. I worry that at a comp he'll be the type to enjoy kicking back and mucking around and won't fulfil his potential academically.

But I do think he'll enjoy the creative subjects at the comps (the grammar isn't great at those). And I do think he'll enjoy the less pressurised setting.

We sent him to a private school for the last two years of primary as his state primary was falling apart (special measures and 16 teachers resigned), but the annoying thing is that now his school peers are being very snobby about the local comps and saying that the one he'll probably get into is awful.

He has lots of interests outside school and knows local boys through those, so he'll know a lot of people at the comp, but this phase is hard with all his current school friends going either to the grammar or to private secondaries.

Since the results in October I've been hiding in my car at school pick up as every time one of the private school mums asks me what school my son is going to I cringe. This is because when I say 'we're going back into the state sector' they all look pitying and nobody ever says anything positive.

Well ignore those snobs for a start as that won't help you feel any better. FWIW, I went to a private secondary school and was really unhappy there so you never can tell. This could be the making of him.

Thanks tygr, sorry to hear you were unhappy at school. I have a friend who was unhappy at the local grammar. For all I know, maybe he would have hated it at the grammar.

My friend's DD went to the comp after her son went to the grammar. She got pretty much the same excellent GCSEs as her brother and has gone to the grammar for Alevels and is flying.

Grammar isn't everything op. I've got a friend whose DS hates it - and is refusing to go back. Too pressured and with some weird ethos about winning at all costs.

Your DS may love being towards the top of the class. My DS passed but he chose an academy school and he loves it. He's the top in everything which he wouldn't have been at grammar school.

Hi op I have a slightly different experience but wanted to shade what happened with my ds.

We live in a non grammar area. In fact I think we are in one of the top deprived boroughs in the country and our secondary schools do not tend to have the best reputations.

There is a fantastic school in the neighbouring borough that is selected via lottery after LAC and siblings.

Ds has had his heart set on this school for as long as I can remember ( as did I ) and the allocations came on his 11th birthday and he didn't get a place.

After 2 failed appeals ( ds has AS and we had good reasons for wanting this school ) we were in a crappy situation so decided to send ds to the secondary school that we thought would best meet his needs pastorally. It did not have a good reputation.

Fast forward to now- ds is 15 this week and in year 10. Is happy, thriving and has made lovely friends. He's doing some GCSE's this year and the school has turned itself around and is now the top secondary in our borough.

If someone had said to me 3/4 years ago that I would even consider sending my ds there I would have laughed.
It has turned out to be the best thing for him and I truly believe that if he was meant to go to the other school then it would have happened.

Best of luck

It's so great to hear positive comp stories, thank you.

Just need to take deep breaths and stop worrying I think.

I think my own background has a bearing too. I went to a lovely, quite strict comp and was doing really well and then my parents moved and I went to a troubled comp. My grades and motivation went downhill very rapidly and I went from a top stream swot to an unmotivated truant in a fairly short space of time!

My DC have both been in independent schools all through pre-school and primary. DS is Yr8 and still at an indie he started at the beginning of Yr5. DD started at a comp in Sept for Yr7 and is loving it. We have always considered state for her as she is very sociable and very bright but always felt if we were paying for her brother it would be unfair not to do the same for her. The choice was hers and despite being offered academic scholarships for the school she was in and another that was closer and that she had good friends going to she chose the comp where she basically knew no-one. I worried about it not being cool to be clever but this was totally unnecessary. She is thriving in every way. It is different from her brothers schools but they are individuals too. Please don't think that it won't be a great fit for your DC. Wait and see which school you get, be positive about it regardless of how you really feel and stay open minded. And ignore any parents at the current school who turn their nose up!! What score you get on a test aged 11 does not determine your future!!

I also totally agree with everything teentimestwo said.

I also wanted to say that I know a lot of parents with one at a grammar and one at a secondary modern (they are not comprehensive here). Some could have paid for a private school, but chose not to. Once they overcame their initial thoughts, the children have all done very well.

There have been a couple of parents in my village who were far too heavily invested in the 11 plus result and it is their children who have had health problems through being force fed the need to be in a grammar school and then not getting into one was a major trauma. It is better to be a bit more laid back and embracing of the new school. The children here went with friends, but these friends were not seen as good enough by the heavily invested parents!

However, many of the secondary schools have over 30% high achievers in them. A true comp should have more! There are plenty of bright enough children to work with and there are good clubs and activities for the children. The schools are obviously different from the grammar schools, but can certainly ensure children get very good results and, importantly, find like minded friends.

If he was very close to passmark, are you not considering appealing?

My partner failed his 11+ and went to a 'normal secondary school' whilst their two siblings went to grammar school. They got much better grades at GCSE/A Level but my partner (who only had GCSEs) moved to a city got a job in the bottom of a profession and worked their way up. Now 10 years later my partner earns significantly more than both of them (who went into uni) and myself (and I have a first class degree and a PhD.) But I also failed my 11+ and went to a state secondary.

My partner was also an idiot at school, clever but lazy and more interested in messing around than working.

I'm sorry you are under such pressure - firstly ignore the Mums at private school.

I think being a borderline pass at a grammar is the worst scenario - stressful and bad for confidence.

We have grammar schools in our area and chose NOT to use them as we are lucky to have an outstanding comp. I believe my kids will progress as well academically and receive a more holistic education.

League tables are fairly useless unless they compare similarly able kids.

Try to be really positive for your child and I hope you'll be happy with how it works out.

My son was at private for primary and state comp for secondary. He’s in year 10 now and whilst the choice was driven by finances I’m glad it was as he’s doing brilliantly, for a kid who is smart and driven but tends to be grade B/C. That said, the comp is best performing state school in the borough. He’d have fallen through the cracks if he’d stayed in private as I found real focus was given to the very high achievers.

I feel you OP.
My son passed 11+, only just, and was turned down due to oversubscription. We were both devastated. I appealed and he got the place, I proudly bought the lovely uniform and felt we were so lucky.
There were problems from day one regarding admin, buses, everything. After three weeks he broke down in the car and said he was so sorry because of the effort I had to put into the appeal, but he felt he'd made a massive mistake. He had no friends, all his others went to comp.
I felt sick. Gutted isn't the word, I totally broke down, not in front of him but on my own. I felt he was giving up his entire future, and for that I was angry, upset and devastated. To make it worse the school bent over backwards to keep him. But he was so unhappy he cried everyday, so I made the decision to send him to the local comp in special measures with a 60% pupil premium percentage and full of kids with behaviour problems who spend all week in isolation.
6 months on he is the old him, happy with his friends
The other school was amazing, international education centres, national opportunities. I still have his uniform and diary and weep for what he lost (for myself-I wanted to be able to say he was there). But he's happy.
He never has homework, they seem to doss through term achieving nothing. I know he will achieve less academically. I have given up hoping for any of my children to do well-we planned to use the sibling rule so him leaving has effed up the others going.
Cannot give you any hope OP. I am still devastated, it is tragic and I will always wonder what would happen if I had made him stay. I feel I've made a mistake. But that's life.

I've got a couple of failed 11+ success stories if they'd help?

DD1 utterly bombed her 11+ - gobsmackingly bad results - she got 8 A*s, an A & a B at GCSE. I failed mine too yet I made it all the way to medical school & picked up another degree (a first) on the way.

I know it seems harder when one child passes & another doesn't but I know of a multiple families in that situation. All the children have done very well & you'd be hard pressed to tell the grammar from the non grammar child.

DS2 is just as bright but not as motivated, so I'd been keen on the grammar for him as he would have been surrounded by bright kids and a hard working ethos and I feel he would have been pushed to do his best.

Definitely not always true. I've got a little brother who narrowly scraped getting into a grammar. It was the same grammar I went to, thrived in and did very well - excellent GCSE and A Level results, uni etc. However, I was a very motivated child and did well in the competitive environment. My brother is extremely bright but struggled immensely with the grammar environment, getting into trouble, being earmarked as one of the "failing students" very early on, because he struggled with motivation, concentration and organisation but was given no support to develop these skills.

Alas he just about got his 5 A-C GCSEs and is now attending a comprehensive further education college where he is doing amazingly, he's ambitious and motivated and has made so many friends from many different backgrounds. His self-esteem was crushed by the time he left the grammar, after years of being told he wasn't intelligent and now he is so comfortable and confident in his identity. He is one of the highest performers in his cohort and looking at Russell Group universities.

What I'm trying to say is that children like your boy, who are very bright can often cope much much better in a comprehensive environment. These children often need a bit more pastoral support which many comprehensive schools are excellent at providing (and FWIW, when I was experiencing family trauma in my 2nd year of A Levels my grammar school's support was terrible).

Definitely don't write him off already

This

Again, huge thanks for every single post and story on this thread. You have no idea how much you're helping my mental health at the moment.

I wish I hadn't got so invested in the idea of him going to the grammar. Fortunately I'm able to hide my thoughts and feelings from DS2 so he hasn't seen or heard any disappointment from me, in fact I've gone the other way, talking about how the grammar isn't right for him and how great all the other schools on our list are. I'm pretty sure he'll have a better social life at the other schools (though of course that is a double edged sword as I worry that will get in the way of study).

It's just in private that all my stupid worries come along! Hearing all your thoughts and stories is really really helping.

starlightafar I really feel for your particular situation, that sounds very very difficult. I sincerely hope that despite your worries, everything works out well for all your children.

One positive story I know of - at one of the schools we've applied for, the one with the worst reputation and lowest of the area in league tables (which is the one I suspect DS2 will get a place at), a friend's son recently left with a gazillion top grades at GCSE and has gone to the local grammar for sixth form.

Also, one of the worries I have about DS1 is that he is only experiencing one type of person (academic) and not getting the rounded education that studying with a wider range of people can bring.

Hurry up March 1st so I can get the results and get on with mentally preparing for whichever school he gets!

1st choice - really quite good comp but unlikely to get in
2nd choice - improving comp with terrible reputation, v low in tables
3rd choice - new school with no results yet

I don't think we can appeal for a place at the grammar as they explicitly state that nobody with a grade lower than the pass will get in, plus even those who get the passmark probably won't make it in as it's oversubscribed.

Might be worth just checking re appeals

Speak to the school’s admissions department and your LEA

Check eleven plus forum - appeals section

My DD missed one paper by one mark and got in to local grammar on appeal

Don’t believe all the tales of borderline kids struggling at grammar - from my experience that’s bullshit

She’s totally thriving