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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

DS didn't pass 11+ - how to feel less sad about upcoming school allocation

59 replies

PersonAtHome · 26/02/2018 20:46

DS1 passed the 11+ and is happy and thriving at the local grammar school.

DS2 narrowly missed the pass score and so he won't be going.

I feel utterly miserable about the upcoming school allocations on the 1st March because none of the options on our form are anywhere near the standard of the local grammar. I feel like one child will have a good future and the other won't and I just feel so utterly disappointed at how it's worked out and worried about the standard of education that DS2 will receive.

Anyone else going through or been through similar?

OP posts:

PhilODox · 02/03/2018 08:38

Come on- don't most reasonably intelligent people spend part of their adolescence thinking about politics, disrribution of wealth, inequities, social constructs etc?

PersonAtHome it sounds as though you're handling it exactly the right way, which means he'll be successful and fulfilled wherever he goes, because he's got your support (and ds1's!)

Middle-of-the-road that must have been a horrible time for your family, and I hope, 6/7 months on, they're both settled and happy now

Grrrrrsnarl · 02/03/2018 08:46

It's not me that's prejudiced. OP said it

It's her son that's spouting this rubbish

I have lots of friends who's dd go to a local high ranking grammar
Low pupil premium, all tutored to pass the 11+
One of then I still being tutored because she struggles with the work at the grammar

Twinkie1 · 02/03/2018 08:57

You're much better off being cleverest at comp than least clever at grammar school. The pressure is horrendous and lots of kids (more girls than boys admittedly) end up with MH issues and being referred to CAMHS because they're unable to cope with the pressure.

Taffeta · 02/03/2018 09:20

I hate these sweeping generalisations because they make people think if they have a borderline child they will fail at grammar.

It’s just bullshit.

Sure, some kids do better at comps. Some kids do better at grammar.

Kids are different - who knew?

StrangeAndUnusual · 02/03/2018 09:32

My uncle failed his 11+, went to a crappy school, and now (age 75) is a retired CEO with several million in the bank. He was a very single-minded, clever boy and worked very hard at what interested him. I have an Oxbridge education with many postgrad degrees and earn squatdiddly. It's what you do with what you have that really matters.

BertrandRussell · 02/03/2018 10:45

"You're much better off being cleverest at comp than least clever at grammar school"

Who says the OP's child will be the cleverest at a comprehensive?
The statement is bollocks anyway. It depends on the individual child and the individual schools.

sackrace · 02/03/2018 11:04

Someone posted some research with regards to kids who scrapped through into grammar doing very well and this idea of people struggling with grammar because they had been overly tutored didn't hold up at all.

I will try find it if I can have a dig for it.

Original poster

PersonAtHome · 02/03/2018 18:24

I very much agree with Grrrrrsnarl (great name)'s point and I made this point to him just the other day.

I said 'but YOU'RE getting a privileged education' and he came back with some stuff about how grammar schools were good because they allowed people who couldn't afford to go to private schools to go to a good school.

But I forgot about the costs of the tuition during this conversation (and also about the parents who send DCs to private prep school with a view to going on to the grammar), so now I have some ammunition to reopen the debate with DS1, which is excellent, thank you!

It's quite fascinating how he can't see that he is privileged and nor can my husband. DH said that it would be very unfair on DS1 if we sent DS2 to private school as DS1 hasn't gone to private. Which I think is crackers because DS1's grammar is better than the private schools in our area!

Gendarme I find your comments very interesting about the difference between the grammar and the comp. I love all the positive stuff I can see DS1 getting from the grammar but I do also see that it's a bit dry and academic.

I'm really starting to come round to the positives about the comp now, the drama and sport there are really good and they have a good choir and DS2 loves all those things.

OP posts:

Grrrrrsnarl · 02/03/2018 20:26

I think if a child wants to do well and is committed they will succeed.

My dd is nearly 14 and has just picked her options. She will be doing 8 (or 9 depending on what she gets) GCSEs
The girls grammar down the road are doing 13/14
Because they have to do triple science, re, mfl there isn't time to do drama, music, art, media, cooking, textiles etc it's purely academic.

As virtually all subjects now are based on final exams the pressure on the grammar school kids is going to be intense. Hours and hours of work. It's going to be very stressful.

My dds comp is great. The teachers are supportive, she enjoys school, they get above average results but they also have fun. Great after school clubs, amazing drama, lovely friends
But just because she doesn't go to grammar and may not want to go to uni it doesn't make her future a failure.

When I was pregnant I was asked repeatedly what I wanted. I always answered the same - I don't care as long as they are happy.
My job as a parent is to raise a confident, caring, responsible, happy child and whether she gets A* or Cs as long as she has those traits (especially happiness) I will feel it's a job well done

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