Jokes which make you feel a bit clever

[noblegiraffe]

It has been a long term, how about something a bit more light-hearted? I'll start:

Today I couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 or 500.
I was LIVID.

Three cats sat on a roof. Which one slid off?
The one with the lowest mew.

Two cats, called OneTwoThree and UnDeuxTrois were having a swimming race across the Channel. Which cat won?
OneTwoThree cat, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

Billy was a chemist
But Billy is no more
Cos Billy added H2O
To H2SO4

What do you get when you cross a mathematician with a cheerleader?

"1,1,2,3,5,8, Who do we appreciate?"

"Fibonacci!"

Q: How many theoretical physicists specialising in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Where does criminal light end up?
In prism.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a goat?

|sheep| |goat| sin theta n

What do you get if you cross a mountain with a mountaineer?

You can't. A mountaineer's a scalar.

A Roman walks into a bar and says 'I'll have a martinus, bar-keep!'
'Don't you mean a martini?'
'No; if I'd wanted a double, I would have said.'

Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says 'Five beers, please!'

My daughter's favourite..

I love this one.

What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn's lemon.

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb... ?

It doesn't matter as the light bulb must really want to change... !!!

Why can't run through a campsite?
You can only ran because it's past tents.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Why did the chef commit suicide?
Because he lost the huile d'olive.

for allegretto

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
The man says to the shepherd, "I will bet you £100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
Man says sure.
"You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

And:

A mathematician, an engineer and an economist apply for the same government job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the engineer and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The engineer says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?

Q: Why did God create economists?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Thank you Sadik

Scientists who can't do maths become biologists. This is why the two enzymes that create DNA are called DNA polymerase 1 and DNA polymerase 3.

I like this one

The subject of semi-permanent fixings is rivetting. The oldest form of semi-permanent fixings are nails, Jesus had first hand experience.

Pavlov? Name rings a bell....

The water in the kettle died.

It shall be mist.

I've given up booze this Christmas - i don't think much of ethanol and I don't like glycol ether.