Jokes which make you feel a bit clever

[noblegiraffe]

It has been a long term, how about something a bit more light-hearted? I'll start:

Today I couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 or 500.
I was LIVID.

Three cats sat on a roof. Which one slid off?
The one with the lowest mew.

Two cats, called OneTwoThree and UnDeuxTrois were having a swimming race across the Channel. Which cat won?
OneTwoThree cat, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

I have a music one:

A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar. The barman says "sorry, I don't serve minors"

It had a massive long music theory joke story after that but I can't remember it!

Loving these.
I think the 789 etc jokes DO fit precisely because they are the "gateway jokes" to those that require more sophisticated background knowledge.

The binary/ternary version of that joke is I think my (12 yr old) son's preferred version of it :)

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

These are great - more please!

Love the attempted murder one, great for the non-mathematicians/scientists in my family

"Police pull Heisenberg over on the motorway. Cop asks him if he knows how fast he's going. Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am". "

Schrodinger was also in the car with Heisenberg. Given that he's stopped them, the cop decides to check the car out.

"Hey, did you know you had a dead cat in the boot"
"Well, it's dead now"

Engels inherits a house from an elderly relative. He invites Marx round to show it off, but also to see whether his friend can help solve a small plumbing problem. Very quickly, Marx goes to the bathroom, lifts the lid on the toilet, and removes some musical instruments.

"The problem, Engels, is the violins inherited in the cistern"

And for anyone who doesn't know them how to catch a lion in the safari desert

Of which my favourite has to be:
The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise for the reader.

And I should add these lion catching tactics from economics:
Methods from Political and Social Science

The Pentagon method. Construct a safe, secure cage and leave the door open. Alternate massive B-52 strikes across the Sahara desert with subtle propaganda campaigns emphasizing the safety and security of your cage. When a lion enters the cage, close and lock the door.

The supply-side method. Distribute vast quantities of lion food and eliminate all threats to the lion population. Put a cage in the desert and wait for the explosive growth of the lion population to force a lion into the cage.

The Marxist-Leninist method. Indoctrinate the gazelle population of the Sahara desert in dialectical materialism. Disguise your cage as a re-education camp for capitalist lions, and the gazelles will bring you all the lions you need.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will understand this. Some people appreciate these jokes, some don't, and the division is clear.

Statement: Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters.
Response: They aren't silent. They're just waiting their turn.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K.

With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state I feel like the target number should be 53 states - a prime number. "One nation, indivisible..."

And finally...
What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?

How do you tell the difference between a Miner and a Chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionised.

No need to apologise Clary - at least I understood yours!

Clary
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." Then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

.

"Hello - is that the cattery? It's Schroedinger here. I just wondered how Fluffy was doing?"
"Ah - well ... we've got good news and bad news ..."

what do you do with a sick chemist?

helium and curium

what do you do with a dead chemist?

barium.

LIVID is awesome. Now I never forget 51/6/500.
Ds is doing roman numerals at school at the moment. Watching him doing his homework, livid ....livid....livid...kept coming into my head.

My DS has just done Roman Numerals. He loved LIVID!

Which common plant in the UK can kill you by just standing under it for ten minutes?

A waterlily.

Language one, doesn't work well in print, say it aloud:

What comes between fear and sex?

fünf

kitnkaboodle I don't often guffaw but I did at this one! Brilliant!

When I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were having an affair, I was like “OMg!”

F(x) walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The barman refused. “Sorry sir, we don’t cater for functions”

My favourite limerick :o

Caglio Translation please

A dozen, a gross, and a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, is nine squared and not a bit more.