Jokes which make you feel a bit clever

[noblegiraffe]

It has been a long term, how about something a bit more light-hearted? I'll start:

Today I couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 or 500.
I was LIVID.

Three cats sat on a roof. Which one slid off?
The one with the lowest mew.

Two cats, called OneTwoThree and UnDeuxTrois were having a swimming race across the Channel. Which cat won?
OneTwoThree cat, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

[BarkisIsWilling]

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

No, to whom.

[APcreator]

Making a story up to a group of kids, their parents listening. Basically loads of animals and a kind elephant came to help out with a problem and on the spot I cleverly called him "Ben the Elephant...Benepholent". Looked at the parents and smiled as if to say "witty or what?". Only witty or smart joke I've ever made and it went over their heads.

[allinclusive]

Why do Koreans walk in straight lines?

They have a supreme ruler?

[PolkadotsAndMoonbeams]

A Christian missionary converted a group of snakes. He came back several weeks later to see how they were getting on, and found that they were busy chopping down trees.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "Well," replied a snake "you told us to go forth and multiply, but we're adders, so we're building log tables."

[Mrsmorton]

Neutrino
Knock knock

[steppemum]

Oh thanks noble.
should have got that really!

[user789653241]

I tried to start similar thread on primary for primary children. Didn't go so well.
Maybe primary teachers doesn't like jokes so much.

[noblegiraffe]

In Octal (base 8) the number 31 is equal to 3x8+1 = 25 in decimal (base 10).

[steppemum]

I've just clicked on cathpot's MATTER picture, and discovered it has another line at the bottom!

Can someone explain the Oct31=dec25 to me. My engineer husband doesn't get it either!

[Cococase]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
etc...

[redexpat]

How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the invisible hand does it.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. 1 to change the bulb and 1 to hold the penis. I mean step ladder!

[PinPon]

Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?

They always ended up with X equals 10.

[shakeyourcaboose]

I've given up booze this Christmas - i don't think much of ethanol and I don't like glycol ether.

[steppemum]

The water in the kettle died.

It shall be mist.

[Bobbiepin]

Pavlov? Name rings a bell....

[elephantoverthehill]

The subject of semi-permanent fixings is rivetting. The oldest form of semi-permanent fixings are nails, Jesus had first hand experience.

[Cathpot]

I like this one

[BothersomeCrow]

Scientists who can't do maths become biologists. This is why the two enzymes that create DNA are called DNA polymerase 1 and DNA polymerase 3.

[allegretto]

Thank you Sadik

[Sadik]

Q: Why did God create economists?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

[Sadik]

And:

A mathematician, an engineer and an economist apply for the same government job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the engineer and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The engineer says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?

[Sadik]

for allegretto

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
The man says to the shepherd, "I will bet you £100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
Man says sure.
"You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

[HangryHanderson]

Why did the chef commit suicide?
Because he lost the huile d'olive.

[sashh]

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25