low level bullying? - advice please.

[JonSnowsWife]

Hi all. Just wanted to say thankyou for the people that helped me on the last thread (where DD with SNs was scared of a teacher - meeting went well and DD seems happier in said lesson now - I emphasised I didn't think there was any malice in it but DD was clearly struggling, keyworker had a word in X's ear and all sorted).

However we now have a new problem, sorry if I confuse you. DD started the school and made friends with A, A has since drifted off with the cool kids (As words).
DD made friends with a lovely girl, B who has a BF from primary school, C. C started getting jealous of DD & Bs friendship and started making things difficult, rumour spreading ans sending messages that were unkind. School took this seriously and it was dealt with swiftly. C has since realised that DD poses no danger to her in stealing B of her & all is well. They are all friends now.

Still with me? X isn't happy about this and has been mithering DD for a few weeks now. I've advised DD to ignore as X is clearly just looking for a reaction. That much so in PE when they all had to be out in teams to use certain equipment, DD was put in Xs team and didn't get a chance to have a go in time. X started telling the other girls off because DD didn't ger a turn and it turned into a full blown argument. DD being DD told them that it didn't matter, it was her that was due the turn, she's not bothered so neither should they be. X and friends then turned on DD for not being bothered enough Told DD to let it go this time. She did and X was fine with DD for a few days (they share a number of lessons). Last week X made B&C delete and block DD from their phones in front of DD and this week X has made DD get up out of her seat on the bus as X wanted to sit there. (there was plenty of room - it was just X wanting to get what X wanted).
DD went to have a word with her keyworker who called the girls in but X made C get called in too. (C has nothing to do with it this time & I just think they're trying to make C resent DD again).

My problem is. The school keep telling DD and X just to keep away from each other. They get the same school bus together and share most of the lessons so it simply isn't possible. I struggle to know when I should leave DD to sort social problems out herself and when I need to step in and say to the school you need to be doing more.

After the incident with making her move seats on the bus, X was called in and spoken to, and it had no effect as DD had a lesson with her the same afternoon in which X spent the hour continually muttering things to DD under her breathe that DD could hear but the teacher couldn't.

How would you handle this please?

I'm sorry, who is X?

Sorry Miss I was trying to explain (albeit badly) without outing myself or DD.

X is the one who used to be friends with DD but is now actively being unkind.

Actually it was fairly easy to follow. I have a daughter too who has had similar drama. How old are the girls now?

On rereading, I think DD needs to ignore X as much as possible to avoid giving X the satisfaction and keep the pressure on through the school. In the US X would be getting a three day suspension at this point.

Thankyou MissConduct they're year 7 now so still finding her feet.

Ah sorry. Year 7 here is 11/12.

Yes I agree she needs to ignore X (it's just difficult when theres only one school bus there and back so they can't avoid each other).

It works the same here. 7th grade is 11 or 12 years old. It is hard but DD has to try to ignore provocations by X and report each and every one to the school.

Our school buses have CCTV cameras that record everything for just this reason. 12 is a difficult age socially. Sorry she's going through this but it's very common.

Thankyou Miss. Yes I think it's very common too. As in I think they're still sorting out the pecking order of things aren't they?

Funnily enough I was wondering earlier on if the bus has cctv. I shall have to check as it's a coach company.

I showed DD the Brooks Gibbs video earlier so it gave her something to think about.

It's hard leaving them to sort these things out for themselves isn't it?

It's the pecking order and the fact that they're becoming adolescents. And while they have to sort it out themselves they still need our support and guidance.

Can you have a word with X's mum or has the school already done that?

The bus might well have CCTV. It's required here.

i wouldn't speak to x's mum - tempting but often ends badly i think. I think you just have to keep on reporting to school - at yr 7 many dc don't have the skills to sort it out themselves and to be frank I'm not sure many adults would cope well with eg the deleting and blocking thing!

Can x be moved to a different class if it continues? Can dd sit with the adult supervisor on school bus or does that separate her from her friends.
Sympathies to you and dd - this sounds very difficult.

Thankyou MissConductUS and oklookingahead.

I spoke to DD who told me there is CCTV on the bus. No one did anything, none of the kids or the driver but I think X is doing it on the sly.
I told DD to try and ignore her as best she can, and just to report each incident to the school.

DD was quite confused as to why C was called in, but apparently this is because B had heard X and C conspiring at the bus stop to do this to DD
There was no other seats so DD had no choice but to stand. DD didn't tell school this yesterday. She has dyslexia and a hearing impairment herself and I think she is often clumsy/forgetful < delete as appropriate.

No won't contact X's mum as it's not the done thing here, and only snowballs further out of control this way. I dont know who they are anyway.

School contacted me this morning and said they are not very happy at all with the new information and they have passed this on to the HOY as it needs to be dealt with more robustly now. I won't know what went off until I get home later but will update you.

Thankyou for your advice so far.

I agree that contacting the other mum is risky. I'm in a small school district and either know a lot of the other mum or know someone who knows them.

HOY is head of year?

Good luck and it sounds like the school is ready to step up.

Yes MissConductUS HOY = Head of Year.

From what I understand, things calmed down so the HOY didn't get involved from what I can see. Unfortunately they've reared their ugly head again and I'm not sure if I've been overeacrionary. X was basically asking DD and B if they really are just friends or are they really going out and DD & B can tell her she wont say anything DD ignored X. It's now around the whole year that DD & B are going out. There's nothing wrong with it but they're not. I let the school know that DD was being sent on a different bus, and why. At some point today, X has been pulled and told off I assume because DD ie now worried about how mad X looked with her at home time. "I don't think she'll be my friend anymore" DD said, she looked really cross with me when I went for the bus". I've tried telling DD its no great loss if she isn't as she doesn't sound like a very food friend to have anyway.

Did I overreact by letting the school know what was said?

My point was that not just for DD & B, but a friend of mines DD who's around the same age has just came out as bi and i simply made the point there'd have been children on that bus struggling with their sexuality who'd have heard / saw that teasing and now might think twice about confiding in someone.