Sixth form boarding school for anxious expat?

[dauntlesscrusader]

Any suggestions for a nurturing, supportive – and probably co-ed – boarding school for sixth form? DD is a study in contrasts -- intellectually curious and strong academically but in need of support (anxiety); shy but strong-minded and not easily led; musical and athletic, but plagued by self-doubt. If she were feeling more confident, I think Atlantic College would be a good fit.

I think she needs someplace where the emphasis is on the development of the whole student, that isn't packed with the hyper-confident or a particular "type" of person; where school is supposed to be stimulating and the students are interested in learning but where individual student goals are wider than Oxbridge entrance. Does such a school exist? There isn't much choice where we live, and she doesn't want to continue where she is.

She would be a full boarder, but has grandparents and sister in London, so could do weekly boarding if not too far.

My current list (assuming at least a few still have room for next year) is:

• Bedales ( "head, hand and heart" is perfect, but is it too North London trendy?)
• Bede's (same question)
• King's Canterbury
• Malvern College
• Oakham
• Oundle
• Rugby
• St Christopher's Letchworth (but is it too unstructured?)
• Sevenoaks
• Uppingham
• Westonbirt

Am I missing anything? Should I take any of these off the list?

It may be too alternative, but a couple of friends whose dc were very unhappy in school moved to Brockwood Park and were really pleased. I also know a couple of adults who went there and they're both incredibly socially confident lovely people - which may of course be co-incidence, but they've talked about the importance the school puts on developing social skills.

They don't do GCSEs at all, but do offer a reasonably standard A level curriculum I believe, and my understanding is that there are quite a lot of international students.

Hello - I have a friend whose dd has just got into Atlantic College and I think competition is really intense to get in and definitely interview based selection process. Reading your description of your dd I think Westonbirt would be definitely worth considering - not intense in that way you described some single sex schools to be. A few girls from London go there - not sure if they go home at weekends but near for exeats etc.

Strangely enough, Seaford does have a full counsellor there all the time....in its own little house where the students can pop in at any time as well as having regular sessions. However, I know that this is unusual and probably only in a school who really prides themselves on pastoral care.....

Wellington Coll also and I think Stowe and Kings. Anyone else have DC in boarding with counsellors to help out our poster. It's getting to be a popular position now especially with CAMHS being inundated and therefore often out of reach. 60% of uk schools have them apparently. Someone qualified should be available and as well meaning as matrons and staff are they are not trained to anywhere near enough for mental health issues. And parents are not around.

A lot of the boarding schools have access to counsellors these days.

Charterhouse also has a full time one

The boarding school I worked at had three so hopefully a pupil would find 1 who he could get on with.
Some would say having a school counsellor available 24/7 or a specially trained nurse where students can "pop' in any time is not encouraging pupils to be resilient or learn stand on their own two feet, or access help and support from family and friends. Schools are not and should not be extensions of CAMHs and in the real world only an inpatients would have that level of support. CAMHs rapid intervention and support teams (for outpatients) are generally only available when child needs urgent help. Once pupils leaves school they will not have this level of support certainly not at university.
Just want to add as someone who works with adolescents I genuinely don't know the answer to this. Mental health concerns are generally no longer hidden children and adults talk about them more openly than when I started work 30+ years ago which is brilliant but there is a danger that normal emotions that we are or will feel as we go through life are being labelled "abnormal", worryingly I see many more children being prescribed anti depressant by GP's because a "school counsellor" said they should be, this is completely contravening the NICE guildlines in the prescribing anti depressants in the under 18's. I acknowledge CAMHs are exceedingly overstretched but reaching for the prescription pad and giving a child a medication that they may not need and whose benefit has not been thoroughly established on the recommendations of a "school counsellor" is not the way forward.

The whole point of a school counsellor is to ensure that young people can access someone easily before things escalate and they have to be referred out for something more serious. Normalising things for young people and allowing them to understand that as they are not yet adults they should be working towards resilience but not yet resilient is the reality. Many young people dont want to worry family who are not readily available anyway when boarding or seek advice from friends who are a similar level of maturity to themselves. We should be working towards removing the stigma of counselling created over the last thirty years so that young people understand that seeking assistance is a sign of strength not weakness. Sending people out to see a counsellor because they have a big problem doesn't reduce the stigma as much as having someone on staff who is seen to be a regular part of the staff body who students will go to because they don't want to have a big problem. Adolescence is fraught with issues faced by young people who don't yet have the adult level coping skills to be resilient. It's everyone's responsibility to preempt this.

To agree with you Happy the over prescription of drugs by the doctor to the child sent by the school counsellor is worrying but it may be because schools are not careful or don't understand about the expertise of the outside counsellor they are referring their pupils to. Adolescents are not mini adults and yet many counsellors who work mainly with adults and have limited experience with adolescents are seeing these kids.

This is very true, there are not many counsellors and also therapists who are very experienced with paediatrics even if you can pay for it. But GPs should know better when it comes to prescribing anti depressants in this age group.

100% in agreement

Back to the school recommendation could try pangbourne college in berkshire. Lots of Experience with children who are a bit 'different'. School motto 'proud to be different' and big focus on values/kindness etc. Would be flexible over entrance test as well. Co Ed but not all full boarding - mix of day/weekly/full

OP, this is slightly off-topic (so forgive me), but I am curious to understand how an unwillingness to take exams is a defining characteristic of a perfectionist?

Fear of failure ?

Absolute fear of failure and a defining characteristic.

A feeling that anything short of perfect is an appalling performance.

Vanilla and Sansculottes, you are right – perfectionism often includes an absolute fear of failure, and a feeling that anything that isn’t perfect is rubbish. The more she cares, the worse it is.

She hasn’t always been like this; it started about a year ago and we’re still trying to figure out what triggered it. It’s not pressure from home; DH was too focused on sports to care about school at her age, and I was the despair of my teachers; neither of us is overly invested in her performance or feels that how she does now needs to determine the course of her life (another discussion for another post!).

Happy and Bash, I also agree that there is a huge problem with antidepressants being over-prescribed to adolescents. They aren’t mini-adults; rates of effectiveness are lower and risks of side effects are higher for this age group. There’s been a lot of research published in various peer-reviewed medical journals (Lancet, BMJ etc.) over the past 18 months. Sometimes meds are the best option, but often they are not.

A school with a counselor with experience in dealing with adolescents would be great.

DD’s MH issues aren’t severe; she’s not depressed, and not self-medicating with alcohol, sex or drugs. But she does need a school that will recognize that that her type of anxiety is not the anxiety all students feel before an exam, and that her desire to be perfect is not the desire many students feel when trying to do their best.

Thanks to everyone for all the suggestions. I’ve started calling around, and while some schools are already full for September, some still do have places.

Op this may not resonate, but yoga has really helped teens I know with anxiety - may be worth a try.

Thanks sansculottes. Yoga is good. So is meditation, CBT and mindfulness, if only I could convince DD to try! Exercise also works wonders.

For anyone who is interested, a friend recently sent me this video on what high functioning anxiety looks like...

themighty.com/2016/12/video-what-its-like-to-have-high-functioning-anxiety/