dd yr 7 says she's not got friends in high school- what can i do?

[razzie]

help! dd v sporty, not girly, clever but not nerdy, got into top grammar.was a joint decis
ion, she loved it when we looked round and knows lots of girls already there.was def not told she had to go there.

in her form were at least 6 girls she knew either from primary school or out of school activities, but since about november she has said she is not happy there, as she has not made any new friends and the ones she knew seem to have blown her out. it seems that she is sometimes included in the circle of girls and yet at other times, excluded. when i suggest hanging with other girls she says they are already in their groups. lunchtimes and form times she says she's on her own- and it breaks my heart to see her unhappy. it must be said that her work is still good( that seems to be my marker), and on a good day she's full of so and so
said this and so and so said that...she has not had anyone home, although she wasn't much for that in primary either.

she doesn't want me to speak to tutor or head of year, but she's on the internet looking at other schools. there is not any other decent school for miles and the other girls grammar school is oversubscribed as it is.

friends tell me that it can take a year to settle in, but will it be too late to move her?

anyone been in this situ and can give me advice?

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having been in a similar position to your DD at school, I would suggest that she does more extra-curricular activities, both inside and out of school, so that she can meet kids in school outside the usual class groups, and kids not at her school at all. sport would seem like the obvious way to go, seeing as she has an aptitude forit.

I agree, I have a DD who is happy to go to sch when her best friend is there but seeing that BF is so sickly my DD is often left in tears and I have to leave her there and go off to work. Most high schools have a person who they can confide in - pastoral carer. In my DDs ex they have been brilliant, if I was you wait until DD is in sch and then pnone and ask for this person in sch. I was amazed at what activities they did for the children

Hi

I am sorry to hear about your dd, I know it is a big worry - particularly when they are just starting at a new school.

My dd went to her new school totally on her own without anyone from her primary(also a grammar), so I did worry a lot about it. She has made some really good friends now and I am very relieved, but I talked to her quite a lot about how to make and keep her friends before she went. Some children are very keen to impress others and show off - others then think they are big heads. I also tried to make her look as attractive as possible, because for young children it is (shallow, but) very important. So she had some trendy shoes and a new hair cut, etc. I told her to smile at people too - just a little thing can make others think you are friendly. Also, not to be too talkative and to listen to what other people are saying.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think many children really lack social skills and boast uncontrollably, which makes others dislike them. I am not saying that your dd is anything like this - I don't know her. But perhaps a bit of a chat about good ways of making people like you, without being over anxious, might help.

Also, is there a child she could walk to school with? Or you could pick up in the morning and take to school with her? There are lots of ways to encourage friendships by inviting children round, etc. May be children who she didn't know before she went to the school?

Good luck to you - I know that as a mother you feel such anxiety and I hope it works out. I think it is too early to change schools - may be she had an incident recently that upset her?

My DD is 12 and has the same experience. She does know lots of people but they are all from the extra activities she does. She gets upset that she is not in a group for her lessons. I have tried to stress the fact that she does have lots of friends and not to worry too much about her classmates, but it is hard. Girls of this age seem to pair off, where boys hang about in larger groups. My DD does something like drama and choir every lunchtime and that does help.

thanks everyone for messages.

yes she is on the netball team and is involved with another school activity group, which she enjoys.

i don't think she's been showing off or boasting, but she can get a bit stroppy sometimes- she keeps telling me it's her age...

i think i already knew that i will have to speak to her tutor, i think i just wanted someone to tell me! doesn't that make me such a crap parent!

i'm feeling like ,if i mention it to school then it's become 'official'. she told me that one girl had similar feelings and she was called out of class to discuss it with her form tutor- & i guess she doesn't want that.

have casually broached the idea of when she's on msn - incidentally to some of these girls who blank her in school(makes no sense to me), that she asks them over or suggests going out to the pictures etc, but she always says no.

will see how she gets on after half term then will contact school.

you never know, maybe on monday she'll suddenly be miss popular and all my worries will be over.

Have been a Year 7 form tutor enough times to see this all the time.

IME, this often happens in Years 7&8. They are changing a lot at that time. Y7 girls can be really horrid to each other!

It usaully takes about a year or so for them to find new friends. But, pupils who are friends in Y7 are rarely friends by the time they get to Y11. They have all moved into different friendship groups.

Year 9 is when they tend to start to re-cluster..

I know it must be hard for her ATM, but it is not for ever

MUst be horrid for you feeling so helpless. I would speak to her form tutor or head of year about this, but also gently suggest that a 'fuss' is avoided (like the being called out of the class that happened to the other pupil you mentioned). When's parents evening? If things haven't gotten any better by then you could alsways mention it to a teacher for subjects that encourage group work, e.g. English, Drama, R.E. etc. IME (as an Eng teacher and former Drama and Form teacher) if a parent mentioned this kind of thing to me I'd be only too happy to help integrate pupils into groups and encourage discussion and paired work. If her school has some kind of PSE programme that is run through the form times, this kind of thing is ideal as well.