Did you let your dc choose their secondary school?

[kookaburra]

Getting to the point of looking at secondary schools for DS1 (in Year 4, so two years yet before crunch time.) DH & I would prefer him to go to an all boys school - he has said he wants to go to a mixed school. He is at a mixed primary now, and never seems to notice or refer to the girls, so this came as a surprise. On further discussion it transpired that becuase he is not interested in foootball when all the other boys are obsessed (surely can't be true?? ) he thinks this would be compounded if only boys.
He has plenty of friends and goes to play at other boys houses etc so not a loner.
We have dome excellent boys schools locally where they teach in 'boy-learning' task orientate way, rather than 'project based' which seems to suit girls better - hence the preference. Also, concerned girls would be a distraction.
BTW - not really a question about whether single sex or mixed is better, but for those who have already been there - how did you balance your childs preferences with your own?

It is really difficult. We had choice between good local mixed comprehensive and boys only independent. DS chose the latter - but we had only recently moved into the area and he didn't have loads of friends moving on to the local comp. If he had been more established it would have been difficult to tear him away from his peer group (especially as we didn't have major worries about the school). He needs to have a good look round both, but in the end you as parents must decide and there are good reasons educationally why you might prefer a boys only school. He should soon find friends and settle in whichever he attends.

Thanks - forgot to add that on of the reasons is that my parents let me choose, and latterly said they would have preferred a more academic school, but I wanted to go with my friends, so they let me. Obviously I turned out okay (!!!!)but would have enjoyed being stretched more, and don't want DCs to blame us for letting them have their own way when parents are supposed to know best... DH was offered a scholarship to an academic school, but his parents didn't want him to have to travel by bus, so turned it down - again he regrets that they didn'y apply a bit more parental long-term judgement.

I'm sure that lots of people will disagree with me, but I think that, at 11, a child is too young to decide which school is best for them. Listen to what they say, of course, and take that into account. But always remember who the adult is.

That aside, did you know that most research shows that boys tend to do better in a mixed sex environment? (Girls, OTOH, tend to do better in all girl schools).

Oh dear, I am reading this thread with trepidation. My eldest is starting secondary this September and we have let him choose his school. In fairness, he only had the choice of two - both very similar in achievments, ethos, co-ed etc. I preferred the other school because it has special science status and ds1 is very clearly science-orientated, also, I just liked the feel of the other school (as did ds1) but he chose the school he did because "everyone from our primary school goes there". I was not that impressed by that argument as I think children often make new friends at secondary school, but ds1 had no friends at all for nearly 5 years at primary school and it has only been since we moved areas and he started at the new primary that he has made friends. I just felt I couldn't take him away from those friends for the sake of better science teaching, but I still fear I am going to regret my decision. Added to that, ds1 has just found out that one of his friends has applied to the other school, so clearly not everyone from his primary goes to the same secondary!

I will watch this thread with interest and trepidation.

Message withdrawn

i discussed with dd about which school I thought would be best and luckily she seemed to agree. Even more luckily she got in to the school of choice. She is happy with our decision and is getting on brilliantly with friends of both sexes. We did consider a private girls school for her if she didnt get in which she wouldnt have been happy with

When DS1 was towards the end of Year 4 (or possibly early Year 5 - I forget) I talked to him about secondary school choices. (It hadn't previously occurred to him that there was a choice other than the local comp.) We discussed what the criteria might be for choosing a particular school, and he went away and researched them by looking at their websites and at their published results. That enabled us to see at a sufficiently early stage what kind of school we might be looking at, and whether any preparation for tests or CV-building exercises might be required.

Did very little else (apart from making sure he'd actually covered the material in English and Maths to cope with tests - and, for the most part, he had) until late in Year 5 when he did some practice papers, then we went and looked at the shortlisted schools (two of which we didn't like when it came to it) in the mad rush in Year 6.

DS's preferences largely ruled, indeed his first preference school which he now attends was one I wasn't initially too sure about, but I did ensure he was making his decision on sensible criteria, and at no point actually told him it was his decision, feeling that would leave him very vulnerable to others who might seek to influence him (primary school very keen on sending pupils to local comp).

I would be careful about any test dates or other deadlines - some seem to be coming forward to early Year 6 because of the new admissions code, so it may be no longer advisable to leave seeing the schools until Year 6.

I have to say, that the area I live in has single sex and coed schools, my daughter choose to go to a coed. I think you are very wise to be thinking about this now, do you realise that the kids are only at school for about two days in september before the selction sheets come out. One thing I wish I had done was go view all the schools in year 5 just DH and I, (although as we are on the crux of three catchment areas we have a choice of 11) and wittled it down to just a couple for DD to choose from, there fore it would be a combination of all of our choices.

Yes, my two dds who are secondary age are at different schools - their choice. Dd1 is at all girls comp in next town, dd2 is at local mixed comp with all her friends.

We are lucky though, to be in an area where all the schools are well above the average.

No.
We decided from the outset that we wanted all 3 of ours at the same school (despite 2 of the 3 secondary schools being right next to one another). So we couldn't let no.1 decide because that would have seemed unfair to the other 2.

I also think that a 9 or 10 year old isn't able to make that sort of decision. And that's the age it's all happening at - my 9 year old's class had their first all-day visit to one of the schools last week, and he will only be 10 and a few months when the application forms need to be in.

You can discuss things with a child and take their views into account, but ultimately I feel it should be the parents' decision.

I definitely didn't let my children decide which school they should go to. They both go to a selective grammar school and the first one particularly didn't want to go there. We had a lot of discussion about what was "best" for her, but she really wasn't having any of it and wanted to go with her friends to the local comprehensive.

She is now in year 10 and has told me that being separated from her primary school friends was very good for her. She made a new set of friends very quickly who had much more in common with her. She only stayed in touch with primary friends for about 6 months and isn't interested at all any more.

It wasn't easy when she first started at secondary because she wasn't keen on going and we had tears, etc. However, I am glad that I stuck to my guns and got her into the grammar school - it was the best thing for her and she really is thriving there. I don't know what I would have said if she hadn't been happy, but I think children are quite resilient and change at age 11 isn't all bad.

Good luck with your so called choice.

DS1 is in Y8 at a grammar school. It is the school that DH and I wanted for him, but it was very convenient that it was also the school he wanted himself - for the very mature and important reason that he wouldn't have to walk very far! The school is a 10 minute walk along the road. The other grammar school (for boys) is about a 30-40 minute walk, but that walk would also involve going through the town centre - which would at some point put temptation of one sort or another in his way.

DH attended the chosen school when he was at secondary school, which gave things a nice sort of continuity, but wasn't a major reason in our choice.

DS2 has just sat the 11+ and has asked to go to the same school as DS1, which we are obviously happy with. Not entirely sure what we would have done if either boy had wanted to attend a different school. DS2 was a little torn as his best friend will be going to a different school (if DS2 passes the test), but we pointed out that, if they are really good friends, that friendship will survive different schools.

My DS loves his all boys school because they play LESS football than the average Comp. They focus more on Rugby, Cricket & Hockey (although he is doing Football for the next few weeks).

We moved house so ours got a decent choice & DD went to the excellant Catchment Mixed Comp, but DS decided he wanted the grammar & got in.

I wouldn't force them into a single sex school if they really didn't want to, but would make sure they visited etc & new the reality of what they were rejecting.

I looked around all the schools that I liked in Y5 (without my DC). I narrowed it down to 3 schools that I was happy for them to go to and took them with me in Y6 when I went to look again.

DS1 preferred my first choice (selective boys, lots of sport)
DD1 preferred my second choice (liberal but top comprehensive)

They both went to my first choice. I can see further into the future than they can and I knew which schools suited them better than they did. Both are doing incredibly well and are completely happy.

They are still at the age when I need to look out for them.

No, I wouldn't let mine choose, but I think I would let them have an input, and then I would decide which of their points were worthy of factoring in and which were not.

I don't approve of single-sex education.

Marsy, when you say dd went to your first choice, are you really saying that she went to a selective boys' school??

we have a few good schools in the area. DS1 said he wanted to go to a certain one. I went to look liked what I saw so thats where he went followed by 2 siblings

Freckle.... lol!

No she went to my first choice of school for her PMSL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Both of them are at single sex schools. Brilliant. I don't worry because they have plenty of siblings and as I keep an open home there are always lots of girls and boys hanging out!

It is hard to decide.There were 2 v good schools near us and we had one in mind for several years before we needed but when we viewed them we chose the other one even though 90% of his friends didn't.He didn't complain too much as he liked the school we chose better too.I think you need to get a feel for the school in relation to your child and forget any ideas you had before.My ds is 12 and has loved it from day one and is often saying he is glad we made the choice we did.

Dd1 is also in yr 4 and I have started to look for info on the surrounding schools.

We have 2 secondary schools within walking distance, Dd1 wants to go to one of those basically because most of her friends will go either to that one or the opposite one.

It is important to me that she has a say in it and also that she doesn't feel that she is being seperated from all of her friends but there is one other school that I am interested in and so we shall see.

I have told her that ultimatly the desicion will be mine.

What are the best things to look for in a school ??? I am never quite sure what I am meant to be finding out.

Speak to the police and ask which school scores highest on their ASBO list??

Seriously, ask around. Find out what sort of reputation the school has, not only from those that attend, but their parents and people in the surrounding area. Everyone we spoke to about DS1's school said that it had an excellent reputation for pastoral care. This was very important to us as we'd had to withdraw DS1 from primary because of bullying so wanted a school that deal with their pupils' emotional welfare as well as they did their educational welfare.

We read the Ofsted report and looked at the league tables (although didn't pay much attention to the league tables). We visited both schools to get a feel for them. I have to say that the other boys' grammar "spoke" to me when we went in as it was very similar to the grammar that I'd attended (very old-fashioned, red-brick, academic school), whereas the one we chose was quite different. DH attended DS1's school when he was at secondary school, but that wasn't a major factor - more an opportunity for DH to go round the school going "Oh where's the 6th form rec??" "Now that wasn't there when I was here." "Goodness look at all the safety equipment in the Tech department. In my day we had to handle all that stuff with our bare hands...". You get the drift.

In the end it came down to a few factors. The school gets excellent results (as it jolly well should being a grammar, but it does well compared with the other one), it is very close to our home, it cares very well for its pupils and we all liked it. DS2 wants to go there too.

Oh, there is also a single sex girls grammer a bus ride away too, but dd has said she doesn't want to go there. I still might go and have a look around though.

We went to an open evening and ds just looked as if he fitted in there and looked really excited about the school.Dp and I both agreed we would love to go there if they had 2 spare places as it was so different to our experiences of school I think you just know.The friends thing has been no trouble at all he as loads of new ones and the old ones keep in touch too as the 2 schools are v close to each other

I have already discounted one of the nearest schools as it has a rep for bullying and I know 3 people who have moved their kids out of there.

Wow, thanks, am really grateful for the amazingly wise input from everyone! Has given us lots to think about. DS is 9 next week - wish I'd found mumsnet 9 years ago...